Happy Halloween, you dirty turnips

Glad to see the Twitter thing is really working out

Considering it's almost November and all.

Perhaps someone told the person expected to monitor this account that their iPhone is like an Etch-A-Sketch and you have to shake it if you want to upload anything.

Disabled person asks drivers who abuse use of accessible parking spots at GO Stations to stop

None of these vehicles parked in the marked disabled parking spots at the Oshawa GO Train Station had permits, writes Oshawa woman

Submitted by email to cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Good morning!
I found your website while looking for information about GO parking enforcement. What a fabulous website and I'm happy I found it because I think your readership needs to hear from me.

I have celebral palsy. When I was a child, I used to pray to God every night he would fix my body so I could walk straight, talk without a lisp and run like my friends (the very few that I had). That, of course, never happened. But I did meet a wonderful man who accepted me for who I am and because he chauffeurs me around, we are privileged to have a disabled parking permit for our car.

Friday evening, we parked at the Oshawa GO lot to catch a train to Toronto to attend a function downtown.

As I waited in the car for my husband to buy the tickets before coming back to help me out, I was surprised at how many disabled parking spaces there were and how many were occupied by drivers who were just sitting in these cars. Then a train arrived and all these people coming out of the gate began to walk towards these cars (most of these people were young and very able) and climbed in and off the cars drove away.

I was furious. Those spots are not park and rides! When my husband came back to our car I asked him to go to the cars still idling and tell me how many of them had permits. He came back to tell me none.

Shame. Shame on you all who do this. There is a waiting area and drop off and pick up area right near the station entrance. I could see it from where I was. That's where you are supposed to go.

Then, as we waited for our train to arrive, we saw a small sedan pull up with three young people inside and the driver parked right in a clearly marked disabled spot. No sticker. After five minutes, two young people climbed out to take the same train as us and the driver left.

My husband took photos with his phone that I have shared with you.

As my husband pushed me in my wheelchair to the train, I stared at these two young people as they walked and laughed on their way to the train.

I am 64 years old. There was a time when this country was not accessible to me. When I could not go see a movie because my parents could not fit my wheelchair into the theatre.

I have made the best of my situation.

I pity the ignorance and selfishness of today's youth. You have not had to fight for anything but you so easily take advantage of what I, in my youth fought for, without so much as a thank you.

These spots are there to make my life more accessible. Not for you to shorten your walk.

Isabelle Lampion
Oshawa

Foot fail

Original here

Do as I say but not as a I do

Submitted via a text to 9054420352

hi. just a quick story. i'm heading home early and coicindentally am sitting near a woman who i actually see most nites. this is a woman who likes to lecture her train buddies about the perils of eating fast food, specifically mcdonalds. what do you think she's wolfing down at the moment? Bingo! and with fries too!!! hypocrisy. she has it!

Your Dog. Your Poop

Bring it home with you, you donkey!!!

From: Sara B.
Sent: Fri 29/10/2010 8:42 AM
To: cj@thiscrazytrain.com

I was gonna do a shout out but what I want to say is just too long and nasty and the story about the guy who wrote about his farting is nothing compared to the lady on the LSE 8:13 train last night with a small, black, poodle-type dog.

I'm sorry I don't have a camera phone but just before Whitby, her dog, which had been sitting on the seat next to her, jumped down and proceeded to get into "the position". Then, in front of myself and the other 12 or so people on that level, her dog defecated. ON THE TRAIN. Did she not think to make it go outside of Union?

She was talking to the dog like an idiot. Praising it and calling it "baby". (roll eyes) She didn't even acknowledge how grossed out I was or even apologize. She took some tissue from her purse, picked it up and THREW IT in one of those side garbages near the seats meant for disabled people.

I couldn't take it anymore so I scolded her. Does she not carry poop bags? Does she realize that's shit? Dog shit with bacteria and that it smells? She said she didn't want to waste a poop bag. How the hell do you waste a poop bag? isn't that what it's for???!

This woman was arrogant and self-indulgent. I don't even know why her dog was on the train as it wasn't a service dog. She could see and hear just fine.

I can still see the outline from the poo on the floor in my head. Some people really think the world is only about them.

A message for the dirty turnips

The couple with their shoes on the train seats
From: Krystal B.
To: cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Fri, Oct 29, 2010
6:46 AM

To the couple on the stoufville line that takes the 6:15 to union please have some class, take your nasty shoes off the seat for once! People have to sit there!!!! And yes I'm talking about you, the guy with the yellow tinted sunglasses and your Asian wife or who ever she is!

Fandelerious. What? Like you don't make up your own words?

Text message from anonymous to 9054420352 tonight at 8:33pm

---

At first, I wasn't going to bore you all with the whole transcript but this person did ask a question that a lot people ask. This isn't an exciting exchange and contains no sex, explosive farting or obscenity.

All reading from henceforth is strictly voluntary so don't whine about the lack of funny or I'll shut the whole site down, pick up my ball and go home.

---

FAN: omg. you're site is hilarious.

thanks! i think you meant 'your' site

FAN: you mean your site

exactly

FAN: i love it

and i love it when people use perfect grammar!

FAN: oops. did i type something wrong?

yes, you said "you're" site

FAN: ohhhhh. my bad

FAN: grammer nazi!!!

what's a grammer nazi?

FAN: u don't know!? it's someone who is strict with spelling

guess i shouldn't mention you spelled grammar wrong

FAN: i did?!

yep

FAN: don't make this awkward

why do you say that?

FAN: are you on the train now

as a matter of fact, yes

FAN: i'm at work

(long pause)

sooo... what's for dinner? anything interesting?

FAN: sorrry. my phone rang. well one thing that's not for dinner is beef and bean nachos. why do you ask?

lol. figured i would try to make things "awkward"

FAN: so do people really write you or do you make stuff up sometimes???

shit, you mean, i was just imagining you all this time?

FAN: bad question then ...

i get asked that a lot. i don't have enough time to make up content. trust me. however, i do need more amusing and obscure texts. tell your friends!

Seek and you shall find

From the site logs:

Click image to enlarge

If you push it, it *will* come

Learn from the errors of my ways

From: Jay X.
Sent: Wed 27/10/2010 10:42 PM
To: cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Hi CJ

I thought about writing a shout out, or "shout put" depending on the grammatical capabilities of the person writing at the time, but then I came across your site while looking for the website for the shout out paper and felt my story was better suited for your site - which is hilarious and informative all at the same time.

Friday night, I was on the 17:53 LSE to Whitby. Throughout the day on Friday we had been entertaining some Hong Kong clients. At the pub we took them to for lunch, I ordered a large bean and beef nacho plate thinking that the two gentlemen along with my colleague and myself would share. As it turns out, the clients were not interested and my colleague decided he didn't like the meal. Like a fool, I consumed the entire plate which was heaping with three kinds of cheeses and more beans than one man should ever consume. I went back to the office bloated and full. This was around 3pm.

I left the office at 5:30 and took the TTC to Union. Just after King station, I felt the first rumble from deep within my gut. I thought little of it until while scrambling to get on the escalator at Union, the first fart made its way into my bowels. Small beads of sweat began to form at my brow as I fought my ass to keep a lid on things. As I walked through the throng to head outdoors to Union, I couldn't keep it in any longer and trumpeted it out slowly as I walked with the crowd.

I stood near the hot dog vendor for a bit as more pressure built. I let a few more go as I pretended to be deeply interested in the sky. When I figured it was safe, I made my way to the platform where I let a few more go. I knew it was bad when a small crowd had formed far away from where I stood. This made me relieved and I let a few more puffs out. When the train came in, I made use of the noise to really let the pressure rip when all of a sudden, all that effort resulted in the worst nightmare known to man.

I sharted. For those who don't know, this is gas followed by a mass.

Horrified, I stood rooted to the spot, completely frozen. I was wearing jeans. I could feel the small warm wetness. I had a jacket with me and underneath just a plain golf shirt. I took my jacket off and tied it around my waist. I quickly weighed out my options. Do I head back downstairs and clean myself and then venture to go buy some pants? Or do I just get on the train, take care of what I can in the bathroom and stand the whole way home?

I opted to get on the train. It was one of the cars with the larger accessible bathroom and I nearly cried at the site of it. I went in and went to business. It wasn't as bad as I thought but I still felt hiding out in the bathroom would be a good idea. So I sat on the toilet and waited.

The gas was terrible. I have never had cramps that bad. Just outside of Pickering, there was a small knock at the door of the bathroom. I sat there and waited, willing the person to go away. I said nothing and continued with the sweet release.

Halfway between Ajax and Pickering, another knock. I said nothing. Can't these people just go to another car?

At Ajax, my legs fall asleep and I'm miserable from the gas. I'm also miserable from how mortifying this whole situation is and I decide I'll exit the washroom and just stand until we reach Whitby.

I open the door and there's this woman standing there with a small boy next to her. Both of them were standing right outside the bathroom door. If I had a match on me, I would have lit it.

The little boy looks at me and says for the whole train to hear, "My mom says you were dying in there". "You were really farting!"

His mother shushes him and pushes him into the bathroom. As she's closing the door, I hear the boy say, "Ew mommy. It smells like grandpa in here".

Needless to say, I got home okay and my sympathetic wife, upon hearing about my tale of woe, hoofed over to the Shoppers Drug Mart and brought me back a bottle of Beano.

As you can see, this was way too long for a "shart out" but should be told. Learn from my errors and it should be a shart-free ride for all.

-JX

Some people need to raise the bar a little bit higher

Below is a text exchange from last night between myself and a lad who figured himself to be a stud.

Stud: hey

hello

Stud: how are you

good, you?

Stud: can i ask a question

sure

Stud: this is cj from crazy train right?

yep

Stud: ok cool. i have to check because id hate to think im texting my mom or something

how can you text your mom when you would have to type in my number?

Stud: well i stored your number in case something funny happened and i could just quickly send something

oh, great idea! i like readers who are prepared

Stud: well i did take scouts when i was a kid

:)

Stud: has anyone told you about how people have sex in the big washrooms on the trains

no, not yet but i have heard that this goes on thru the shout outs

Stud: i'm one of those people

one of those people who writes shout outs?

Stud: no one of those people who do it

do what

Stud: have sex

big deal. so do i

Stud: in the washrooms?

no. never on a train. that's super gross. the bacteria. the germs. who the hell would do that?

Stud: i do

i just threw up in my mouth

Stud: ha. ha. it's not so bad

right. provided you have no sense of smell

Stud: last night i took a late train and i hit it off with this brunette heading home to milton

let me guess, you delivered a pizza to her and she didn't have any money to pay you

Stud: ha ha no. i nailed her in the bathroom

sure.

Stud: why, u don't you believe me

where did i say i didn't believe you

Stud: you wrote sure

right. sure. sure as in sure, that's great

Stud: or sure as in you're a liar

you're the one who thinks they're writing to penthouse magazine

Stud: i thought you wanted people to text you

i do, i just don't get what's so hot about sex in a go train bathroom with all the urine splatter, poop smears and other bacteria you don't see while you're "nailing" someone

Stud: it's exciting

your sexual experience sounds limited if you think sex in the go train bathroom is exciting

Stud: i used protection

like what? purelling yourself from head to toe afterwards

Stud: she liked it

oh, your fantasy girl because i'm pretty sure you had sex with only one person last night

Stud: ha ha it's true

that you had sex with yourself

Stud: ha ha no. with the girl

if it is true, it's still gross. unsanitary. yuck.

Stud: it was your mother. she wanted me real baaaaad

how old are you?

Stud: why?

just trying to figure something out

Stud: are you going to write about my hot date

dude, you need to set your standards higher if what you did last night is what you consider a "hot date"

Stud: you probably won't publish this

What the hell was that this morning?

Tuesday night my 5:20pm train was delayed by an hour due to a gang of wet leaves causing mayhem on the rails and last night, we were delayed almost 20 minutes into Oshawa because of a switch problem. That's two nights in row where I got home past 7pm but I can't complain because according to a Shout Out in last night's TO Night Newspaper, GO commuters aren't allowed to complain - or whine - because GO employees work real hard.

Hey, guess what? So do I. Every goddamn day at my job, too. It's not about who works harder. It's about expectations and on Tuesday and Wednesday nights, none of my expectations were met in regards to being home on time.

This morning I arrived at the station at 7:41am with several minutes to spare before the 7:53am was to depart. As I walked onto the platform, another train pulled in. The first stopped train was near capacity. Talk about mass chaos! Panicked people clamoured onto the train already at capacity thinking it was the 7:53 when in fact, it was the 7:53 that had just rolled in and it was the 7:21 train that was really late.

Needless to say, those of us who hopped onto the 7:53 rode all the way to Union with plenty of room, sustained no bruised elbows from people who can't walk down aisles like a normal person but instead rush down like a bull in a china shop, and all the bag riders breathed sighs of relief because their bags were able to ride in comfort.

It's the small things, folks.

Another person who "parks how I want to"

Can't park in front of me. Can't park behind me. Just the way I likes it.

Snapped this morning at Oshawa GO Lot

Hey, did you hear about the one about the GO train and wet leaves?

The Canadian Press sure did.

In fact, the rogue wet leaves situation from yesterday has caused me to coin a new word: "vegetation malfunction". As in, "Sorry I'm late boss, but my train had a vegetation malfunction".

Apply a big fat "TM" after that when you use it and we're good.

Here's the story:

Maple Leaf stops Go train dead in its tracks
Tue Oct 26, 5:35 PM
By Pat Hewitt, The Canadian Press

TORONTO - What does it take to stop a train? Apparently, the mighty Maple Leaf — and a few of its leafy cousins.

GO Transit, Ontario's commuter rail service, cancelled its first train of the morning Tuesday, blaming slippery conditions as a result of leaves on the tracks.

And it was the second time in two days.

An incredulous Twitter tweeter who identified herself as Sheltie Addict wrote "So my 6:18 GO Train is cancelled due to wheel slippage from too many leaves on the track?"

"In 25 years of GO Training, this is the first time I have heard this excuse, er, reason, for a GO Train delay."

But in fact leaves in their glorious fall colours of red, orange and yellow put the brakes on trains fairly regularly.

Leaves fall on the tracks, get crushed and bake onto the rails at a high pressure leaving behind a hard, smooth Teflon-like coating. The condition is called slippery rails, and it's similar to black ice, said Metrolinx GO Transit spokesman Mike Cyr.

READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE ON YAHOO NEWS

Rolling along like it's my living room

Do you mind if I take off my shoes?

Um. Yes. Yes, I do.

Thanks to Silent J. for the pics

Like mah muddy boots? Me too! So much so that I'm gonna leave you a gift of dirt.

PS. Mah bag rides for free!

Only a man truly confidant in his own masculinity can pull off wearing a hat like this

Oh crap. Literally.

Hi CJ,

How could I not send you this from tonight’s local Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog?

Oh crap, light rail service delayed
Sound Transit had to pull a light rail vehicle out of service Tuesday after a woman defecated inside as the train headed north in the Downtown Transit Tunnel.

"Some unfortunate soul peed and pooped on the train," Sound Transit spokesman Bruce Gray said. "And it was not a little accident."

At 11:05 a.m., Sound Transit sent out a rider alert: "Central Link Light Rail service from Westlake Station at 10:25 to Beacon Hill was lost due to a unsanitary train. Thanks for your patience. "

All passengers got off at the Westlake station. The train turned around and ran empty to the maintenance yard in Sodo (South Downtown), where it was cleaned. It took about 10 minutes to get a clean replacement into service, Gray said.

Passengers notified the operator about the accident.

Love the headline, eh? Here is the link, in case you’d like to read some of the comments: http://blog.seattlepi.com/transportation/archives/226185.asp

Love your blog,
Ang

If you lost some crazy, I found it

It didn't take much for me to connect this text message to this post about bringing in a necklace I found on a train Friday night into the GO Lost and Found at Union Station on Monday.

First Anna K. actually left a comment, then she texted me.

Here's what happened:

Anna: helo can u help me??? i lost my really expensive scarf on the train and would really like it back

hey, did u contact go?

Anna: what? i am. i'm telling you

but i'm not go

Anna: this is lost and found right?

if you've lost crazy, i've found it

Anna: what? i just want to know how i come get my scarf ....it's a purple michael kors. i left it on the richmond hill 7:53 train but i can't remember what car i was sitting in

i think i got a comment from you earlier

Anna: what?

lady, listen to me, you have to contact go transit

Anna: are you not them?

no. how did you get this number?

Anna: from the lost and found website on google

i'm not the lost and found website but i do know i found some crazy

Anna: ok???

are you in front of a computer

Anna: yes

go to www.thiscrazytrain.com

Anna: ok. i did. i have that up right now at work

look at the site real carefully, does it say go transit lost and found?

Anna: yes. i'm looking right at it

impossible

Anna: who is this?

i'm the person who runs that website

Anna: so you are the person who can help me with lost and found? or not???? i'm confused

sweetheart, you're writing to a blog about go train commuting

Anna: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE JUST TELL ME WHO TO CALL

call go transit

Anna: fine. whatever. i hope you die.

excuse me? really? you're pissed because you found a blog post where i wrote about finding a woman's necklace and assumed that i was some kind of virtual lost and found when in the very beginning of this ridiculous exchange, i actually told you what to do and since i can't help you, you wish death on me?

Anna: i'm done with this

i'm not

Anna: i'm sorry i ever contacted you

that makes two of us

Rogue wet leaves

I have no idea which train it was tonight that couldn't get up the incline into Danforth Station, but I'm going to guess it was the 4:53 aka 16:53 Lakeshore East train.

Why you ask?

Because of these:
That's right. Leaves.

Specifically, wet leaves on the tracks.

We were told the engine's wheels of the train two cars ahead of us was experiencing "slippage" on the rails. I'm sure the engineers scrambled for a word that sounded ominous yet technical at the same time.

I received quite a few texts from riders expressing frustration at GO for not having a plan in place to deal with "slippage" as Fall comes every year, rain isn't a new weather phenomenon and it's not a secret that wet leaves are slippery.

I guess it's time for steel chains or somethin' ... because arriving home an hour behind schedule because someone couldn't find a broom and a black garbage bag or provide basic preventative track maintenance requires a better word than "slippage".