It's coming!

You know what this means, right?


Parking at Oshawa will be a bitch.

We need a plan of action for these donkeys who don't even try to position a car thinking that no lines = park wherever.

My opinion is instant tow.

Seriously, Metrolinx needs to call up Bob's Towing and have trucks on the ready. Why? Because Oshawa is at capacity. People who park like lazy asses deserve ZERO sympathy and zero tolerance. Not being able to see pavement guidelines isn't an excuse. If you can't figure out how to park next to a car without lines to tell you how far you should be, then good Christ, turn in your licence.

Rest assured ...

My cupcake ... brings all the cars to the GO (and the donkeys who drive them)

Old beagle mix on TTC brightened my day

According to the owner, he just turned 13. He was so sweet. Wagged his tail at everyone. All the passengers were smiling, including me. Thanks old beagle mix. You made me feel less angry.

Monday

If you walk through this:


You have no business doing this:


The title says it all. Imma warn you now, this post is long. You may want to grab a coffee, take a break, etc.

I made the mistake of taking the 401 this morning when I should have known better that the weather would cause traffic to be slow. I missed the 753 Osh - Union by a minute.

I hopped on the 825 which is not as full of a train as the one before it which means lots of empty seats. This also resulted in people, with wet shoes and dirty boots, spreading themselves out, along with wet umbrellas on seats! Many were grinding their wet shoes into the fabric off the seat in front of them and I'll get to that in a minute.

Why is this wrong? Because I know there are plenty of you who see nothing wrong with this rude behaviour. The train hasn't made all stops yet. This means some poor soul gets to sit in others' wet and filth once they take their feet down or slide their umbrella under a seat.

At Oshawa, a whole gaggle of college girls got on my coach and their wet shoes, jackets, back packs and umbrellas were tossed onto all the seats around them. This pissed me off. Especially the one girl grinding her UGG boots, still dripping, into the fabric of the seat in front of her.

We still had 10 minutes until departure. I asked her politely not to do that. She looked at her friends and they all laughed and ignored me while increasing the volume of their conversation. Oh, I see... It's like *that* is it?

I made sure to stare directly at her. Finally, she asked me if I had a problem. These young girls today, such short memory spans. I said nothing. I got up and walked down to see the CSA who I swear to God, reminded me of Santa. He was so polite when I told him my beef and just like Santa, he got a twinkle in his eye and pulled out the microphone (which isn't really micro but is a phone) and made a long, scathing announcement about how it doesn't matter the season, that riders must not put their feet on the seats as it's disrespectful to other riders. I really wished he had said Santa is watching, but he didn't. Ridiculous that grown adults have to be TOLD!

So I walk all the way back to the coach I was on and made a big production, using a lot of swagger, as I walked past the group of girls, who, mainly because of the people who were about to board at Whitby, had their feet down (or it was the announcement, but I doubt that).

I took it a step further and told people coming up the stairs, "You may not want to sit here as these seats are wet from people who had their shoes and umbrellas on the seat. I don't have a towel handy or else I'd lend you one".

The ringleader of these girls turned a nice shade of red. I don't think anyone's put her in her place before, definitely not her parents. Now I didn't single her out by saying it was her but she knew who I meant. I'm not her mother and in the real world, there are consequences for rude behaviour.

A lot of people text me and email me asking why I give a crap about foot riders. Maybe it's because I lived another life in some bygone era but I was raised in a household where my parents took great pains in teaching me and my sisters how to behave in public and we wound up with a great deal of self discipline and next to zero self-entitlement. Do unto others and all that jazz.

To this day, my mother derives great pride from anyone who mentions to her what respectful and kind daughters she has. It's a testament to her iron fist. Trust me, it wasn't fun but my mom wasn't a mother for the sake of being someone's friend. Her job was to make sure we were brought up right.

Sigh. All I want is for people to be respectful of those around them. This includes not only the foot riders but the loud and overly boisterous cellphone talkers who project their conversations because they think others find their life interesting. If you're one of these people, trust me, this is not the case. Texting is just as efficient and if it's not possible, I'm sure your conversation can be condensed to under two minutes. Learn how to summarize... m'kay?

It took 20 minutes longer than it should have to write out this post because some guy who got on at Ajax decided to have a long, loud conversation about flyers and sell sheets that were only in draft, but some co-worker thought they were final and wrote some rude email saying they all had to be re-printed, so he was gonna write an email to embarrass her, but only psychologically.

See? I shouldn't know any of this but I do. I want to focus on my thoughts, not yours!

I hate you but now I love you

Many apologies for not posting this earlier in the week as promised last Friday.

Read on to find out why and for the not so stunning conclusion. I'll strip the headers once you get the flow and my replies, as always, are in green.

Text message from 1416868XXXX
to 19054427423
November 24 2011 06:09 PM

Hi. I was on the 17:05 barrie train on thur nov 24. I left a My Passport external hard drive on the train. I had it my pocket and I guess it fell out because I remember looking at it when I was on the train but all I had when I got in my car was the cable and no hard drive.

It's blue. I can get the serial number and it's a western digital. It's blue. I just backed up my home pc on it that I left at work because my it guy is re-building my machine. All my kids baby pictures are on it. It's irreplaceable. My home phone is 905-841-XXXX.

Hello?

Okay I'm home now. It's the man who lost the blue WD My Passport hard drive. I have the serial number. I was on the 17:05 barrie train to aurora. thur nov 24. serial number is wxb1a60y2144t

Text message from CJ Smith
to 1416868XXXX
November 24 2011 07:17 PM

Hi there. I'm real sorry to hear you've lost something. Please contact GO Transit at 1866GETONGO or try the website www.gotransit.com

Text message from 1416868XXXX
to 19054427423
November 24 2011 07:19 PM

OH MY GOD. Thank god. Finally someone! you really should manage this sms better. Hi! Please tell me you found my hard drive!!!

No, I don't have your hard drive nor did I find it. Please call 1866GETONGO or visit www.gotransit.com

Why can't I just deal with you? Do you feel out a report? Should I rport the theft to the police??

***fill/report

Well if you think it was stolen then I would.

Is this a common problem on the train? I think I was probably pick-pocketed but the hard drive has no purpose to anyone who doesn't have the password. Or it probably fell out of my pocket. But I don't sleep on the train so I can't see how I wouldn't have noticed. I just can't believe I don't have it. There's a lot on it. I backed up my entire digital life.

You sound very upset. But the more you talk to me the more likely your hard drive won't be found because you have to report it to GO Transit.

HUh?

You have to call ... look, Imma stop this right here. I can't help you. I need you to take a deep breath and scroll back up and carefully read my last few texts to you.

Wow, you're rude!Is this how you do your job!!!

No. I do my job involving software and processes that aren't even remotely related to the job you think I do.

What do you mean, think I do??? Don't you work for go?

You realize you are wasting a lot of time talking to me, right?

WHO ARE YOU? (I really wanted to say "I'm Batman", but I bit my tongue)

Look, texting in caps is just dumb. It's like sending a company memo in 24-point Arial and colouring all the text red. If I'm opening the email, you already have my attention. So if I'm texting back to you, I'm reading what you're typing. No need for aggression.

What? The? Hell? ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!!!?

The same goes for multiple punctuation. No effect.

???

(zzzz)

wtf?

Wow, and you sounded so nice and pleasant at first.

You are awful.

How did you find this phone number?

From the website.

Okay. Which one? Walk me through it like I'm new to the internet.

I searched for how to text for go train lost and found

Text? Really? Amazing.

Well I can text radio stations so why not GO?

Yes, why not GO?

Well?

Oh dear... amazingly, you managed to miss about three top ranking hits that were about GO Transit. I think at least one of those URLs are for lost and found. Yet, you pick my site. That... is ... amazing.

On my phone, I got a link that said Lost and Found GO Customer Service and there was a phone number to text.

K. I'm not in front of a PC right now but I can tell you that either you have no idea how to use Google or you just skimmed the page.

Wait, so you're not GO Transit?

Bingo.

What the hell? Why bother answering my text messages then!!!???

Well, that would be rude and why wouldn't I try to help?

Some help you are. Thanks a lot. All you've done is piss me right off. Thanks a lot. You know what? You're **amazing**. You're amazing that you're so stupid.

Ok.

You are.

Ok.

Do you have my hard drive??? No! that would have ended this B.S. right then.

When you calm down, I guarantee you, you will feel like the biggest jackass.

Ha. I doubt that.

Ok.

Bye.

Thursday, I got this email:

from fgXXXXXXXX@sympatico.ca
to cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date Dec 1 2011 08:54 PM

Dear Ms. Smith

I am very sorry about how I behaved in my text messages to you dated from last Thursday. Understandably, I was upset and anxious. My hard drive has yet to be located but at least my data is fine. What was on the hard drive was a back up but it's not pleasant to lose your only back up.

I did backtrack in our text exchange and I did examine further how I came to "land" on your site. I wouldn't say I was skimming but in my haste to contact someone, I thought I had found a means. These days it's hard to tell what the best form of communication is but I can tell you, at the time, I was looking for the fastest. I saw that text messages could go to a number and I just went along.

I also have to apologize for not listening to you and to thank you for providing the information I needed. I just didn't "see" it.

I am now a fan on your website. I've been riding GO for three years and TTC for much longer. You've captured the sub-culture with humour and and a great deal of diplomacy. I also would like to extend my permission to share your text experience with me on your site. I see you haven't done so and I'm not sure what your reasons are but rest assured, I'm okay with it.

I'd like to make up for the way I behaved. How's dinner for two at a restaurant downtown? Your pick. Wait, not with me. With your husband or a friend. I can arrange to have a gift certificate couriered to your office or left with the reservation desk.

Sincerely
Frank GXXXXXXXXXX
416-868-XXXX


text message from 9054427423
to 1416868XXXX (Frank)
December 01 2011 09:22 PM

Hi. Got your email. I didn't publish the text exchange because I accidentally deleted all copies sent to my email in-box. I only had what was on my BB which meant physically re-typing the entire exchange or forwarding each one by one back to my email, which I figured I would do this weekend if I have time. Re: dinner. That is entirely unnecessary. I know you texted with the best intentions. You don't need to apologize or feel you have to make amends. I sort of ask for this by having this kind of content up there, right? Take care. No worries!

from 1416868XXXX (Frank)
to 19054427423
December 01 2011 09:41 PM

Are you sure? It really is no trouble.

I'm sure. Spend the money on a gift for a child this Christmas okay. Somewhere there's a kid that needs a Christmas morning more than I need a meal. Trust me.

You are too gracious.

Thank you. So are you. Keep reading and take care!

Off Topic: Oh Christmas tree, you're so wee, it's cuz I'm so sma-all ...

Off Topic: Picking a tree

As you can see, I am not a fan of the decorating part. I also am partial to small trees because it means less ornaments. My daughter demonstrates the height for you.
We'll throw some lights and what not on after dinner. Photo to come.

@wattsyyz "Here's another #gotrain canvas from today's commute" - Twitter

The number you have dialed is in service but please don't hang up and try your call again

I took the 8:38 am OSH - UNST this morning.

Quiet train. COLD train. No heat. Not until I traveled through three coaches to the fourth coach from the rear did I find heat.

The CSA for the trip, Gary, spoke with the diction and annunciation of an aircraft pilot. I was waiting for him to tell me when we'd reach the train's top cruising speed, that's how smooth his voice was. Like butter, slowly sliding off a warm corn on the cob.

At some point during the ride, the woman across from me receives a phone call. She has her phone on her lap, balanced on her thigh. She's fast asleep. She has her headphones in and her mouth wide open. I can hear her music playing. After four annoying rings of what sounds like the theme music from the 80s video game Pole Position, the phone goes silent. Seven seconds later, it goes off again. A few people around her are showing their annoyance and I decide I'll poke the woman awake. Her phone goes silent and I lean over and tap her knee. Nothing.

Her phone goes off again. The man near us throws his newspaper down in aggravated pissed-offness.

I tap her shoulder. Nothing. I can see she's breathing so it's apparent she's in a deep REM state. Her phone goes off again

By this time, I've realized I could have robbed this woman blind. Seriously. Her purse, her iPhone, her bag. All of it.

Her phone goes off for a fourth time.

I shit you not. I pick it up and answer it. "Hello?"

"Hi ... (pause) Hello Sara? How come you weren't answering?"

"This isn't Sara. This is the woman sitting across from Sara on the train. I tried to wake her up but she's in a deep sleep and you've phoned so many times I was thinking maybe it was an emergency and so I answered it."

"WHO IS THIS?"

"A woman on the train."

"WHERE. IS. SARA?"

"Asleep, which is why I answered... "

"PLEASE PUT SARA ON THE PHONE NOW."

"I'd love to do that but she's asleep."

"Well (expletive) wake her up!!!"

"Please do not swear at me. I tried. I don't know what medication she's taking but you may want to ask the doc to change her dosage. We roll into Union around 9:40 am so try calling back around then. If she wakes up before that I'll tell you to call her. Who shall I say is calling?"

"I'm calling the police!!!"

"And tell them what?"

"THAT I AM CALLING MY (expletive) SISTER AND SOME STRANGER ANSWERS?!"

"Right, and you called four times in a row and there are people on this train who were getting annoyed and I figure hey, maybe it's an emergency and I can't wake up the owner so maybe I should answer. Your sister is fine. She's just in a coma".

"LET ME TALK TO MY SISTER!!!".

She's yelling so loudly that I pull the phone away from my ear and the man who had thrown his newspaper down is talking to me. "Hang up," he says.

I put the phone down and tap Sara again. Nothing. I grab her iPod and pull the headphone jack out. Nothing.

I can hear her sister yelling.

This has gone so awry that I am now at a loss of what to do. I can tell Sara isn't dead but now I'm wondering if she's, you know, taken something.

I confer with newspaper man. "Who cares!" He says. "Not your problem."

I dismiss him.

We're now at Danforth.

I decide that maybe it's time to visit CSA Gary in the next coach when Sara suddenly stirs and pops open her eyes.

Here's what Sara sees:

Some strange woman is holding her iPod and her iPhone is on the seat next to me. Shit. I've already regretted getting involved. This didn't go as I planned with her sister being pissed and panicked and me looking like a tool.
I angle my legs in case she decides to kick me.

I start talking. I pick up her phone and I tell her that it was ringing. A lot. I tried to wake her up. Several times. I answered her phone to:
a) quit the ringing as it was disturbing other passengers
b) field the call in case it was an emergency and I could at least assure the person she's alive but just asleep.

She doesn't say anything. She takes her iPhone from me and speaks into it. I guess her sister hung up because she proceeds to dial. I'm still holding her iPod which I motion to hand back to her.

Since this had gotten really awkward for me, I get up and head downstairs to the main level of the coach.

I didn't care to hear the conversation and don't really care what Sara and her sister had to say about me or the situation.

What I don't understand is if you're going to start sleeping hardcore on a train, why wouldn't you turn your phone off when you know you're not going to hear it?

From @wattsyyz "A different type of "crew" was operating my #gotrain this morning." - Twitter

Follow @wattsyyz

GO Trains and Wi-Fi

For some strange reason, because I have never discussed Wi-Fi (aka WiFi, aka Wee-Fee as my mom calls it despite being corrected numerous times) on this blog, I get hammered by Google searches from people wanting to know if there is Wi-Fi, specifically FREE Wi-Fi available on GO trains.

Every day. Hour on the hour.

Even more odd is these queries originate in Europe for the most part as well as out of province. I suspect people are confusing GO with VIA or perhaps they are sitting in their high-speed, European bullet trains, sipping espresso while using their fancy cup holders, generous leg room, head towels, luggage racks, charging outlets and telling other passengers that "*ree-lee* eeze dat such lushuree eeze" (continue using bastardized Parisian accent) "nut availa-bull in Canuhdah, ah... Non! Look, ah weel shows you." (Begin Google search query on iPhone).

Then they all sit back in their reclining seats and guffaw at us (queue sip Espresso). CAN YOU TELL I'VE BEEN DRINKING? Gin o'clock, dammit.

But why is WiFi not available?

Posing as an important, independent, transportation media consultant, I sent a rather official sounding email to Metrolinx's media relations department (GO Transit's parent company). I used fancy language like "added-value" and "customer commuting experience enhancements". It worked because here's what I got back:

GO Transit has no short-term plans to offer Wi-Fi service at our stations, or on our trains, in the immediate future. However, we continue to investigate various Wi-Fi options, examine customer willingness to pay for this service and monitor changes in Wi-Fi technology that may make this easier to implement.

We always welcome feedback and encourage customers to complete a Customer Comment Form at this link on our website; http://secure.gotransit.com/en/service/ecomment.aspx

So long story short, it's gonna take more than a Rogers rocket stick and a wireless router for this to be feasible. But let's say GO did provide Wi-Fi for a nominal fee ... say, $5 a month for a user name and password. I'd bite. But considering that GO has much higher priorities when it comes to enhancing my commuting experience, such as introducing Friday night bar car service, I can wait.

Okay, I made that up. Considering what GO's dry-cleaning tab must be because of all the dirty donkeys who can't keep their filthy shoes and boots off the seats, I suspect there isn't a lot of chunk of change for such an undertaking. So if you want Wi-Fi, how about you think twice about where you put your feet because less dry-cleaning bills means more money for alcohol. Wait, more money for Wi-Fi. But for me, gin trumps internet.

Darn. It says TTC

But that's ok! Why? Because I know that at least one of you reading RIGHT NOW uses the TTC and this campaign called TORONTO ETIQUETTE PROJECT is for you!

So download and print this handy sheet, cut and fold where indicated, shove it in your wallet and be on the ready to distribute it when you come across a breed of donkey that is all kinds of rude.

Thanks to everyone who sent this over.

On Monday, I published a photo from a guy named Henry. Henry took a picture of his reflection in a GO train window and then emailed it to me. He claims to have his feet on the seat and it appears he's giving me the finger. Or he's telling me I'm Number One.

Below is the text exchange we had Friday night.
My replies are in green.

Henry: hey asshole just sent u a picm lemme no if u like LOL

The hell is that?

It's me sayin hi 2 u. Middle finger in the air and I'm a foot riding cowboy. The best season is winter when I rest my boots!

Where are you in the photo?

You don't see? Are u blind? LOL

I see what looks like a fat blob. Is that you? Are those tree trunks you're holding?

I'm sitting and I've taken a pic of myself inthe reflection. Do u see it?

Nope.

Make it larger.

Make what larger?

The photo asswipe.

How do I do that?

Are u kidding?

Well maybe if you weren't such a crappy photographer...

It's the phone.

Yeah, I bet. Ansel Adams managed to take art gallery quality photos with a box and a pinhole of light. You're just crappy with a camera.

Maybe if I have a $2000 nikon instead of this camera phone but I don't so who carers.

See my point above. The camera is merely a tool.

Anyway, there's nothing to see here so I'm moving on. Thanks for the chat.

Do you want me to highlight what you need to see?! LOL

Nope.

What's your issue with people who put feet on the seats anyway? Who cares. Does it hurt you!?

Actually yes it does.

Every time I see feet on a seat, a piece of my heart withers away and dies.

LOL whatver. Who cares. When u look at my. Pic you'll get it.

Wow, you're not letting this go are you?

You should put it on yourwebsite!!

Put what?

My picture.

All I see is a mess.

---

I never heard anything further from Henry. Eventually I did get around to looking at the photo he sent in Photoshop and posted it for you all on Monday. lswgirl13 confirmed what I initially thought, it wasn't obvious at first what the photo was about.

Hells yeah she was gettin' a great deal. No wonder GO has increased the fare inspections

from: D.F.
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Nov 30, 2011 at 2:20 PM
subject: Presto

I was on the LSE train home the other day and we got checked yet again for tickets. I swear they check twice a week lately.

Anyhoo, this woman sitting across from me, busy using her Blackberry has a Presto card and when the GO Transit officer tapped it, it didnt beep. Long story short, this woman since she purchased her Presto card over two months ago has only been tapping on in the mornings. She told the officer that he was wrong, that when she purchased the Presto card she was told it automatically knew where she was going and she only had to tap once a day.

So the guy explains to her how it really works and then asks her if after initially putting $150 on her card over two months ago, has she since refilled her card? She said no and he said, "Didn't you think you were getting a really good deal?"

After that, I literally LOL'd at her. Anyway, he wrote her a ticket. I wonder which is cheaper, the ticket or the fact that she's only been paying half price for the past 2 months?! I am also shocked that she has never been checked before now since, as I mentioned, GO is checking tickets much more frequently than ever before.

Ain't no shame in this game

from: David S.
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Tue, Nov 29, 2011 at 8:06 AM
subject: It's raining so...

Literally watched this one park - even though I stood there staring in amazement over how they carried on with no shame at parking in what is the "driveway" and right under a NO PARKING sign. There was still space at the back of the Oshawa GO Station lot, but heck, it was a rainy day so why not, right?

Sounds like someone set sail on the S.S. Minnow

from: Doug R.
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Nov 30, 2011 at 11:37 AM
subject: Car parked for at least a year

This car has been parked in the Pickering GO Station lot since at least January and has never moved. If this was a pay lot I wonder what the bill would total? I walk by this car every day and wonder what happen to its owner. At least now I know to tell out-of-towners to leave cars here and get a ride to the airport. Save on the "park n fly" charge.

Dirty skateboard is tired

What a GO foot rider does on weekends in coffee shops.

A grinch among us

This may be a free country, but people aren't "free" to do this. Sorry. Vandalism has no place on trains.

Thanks to Pete L. for the pic.

The amazing Olympic Sprint that will never be again

Those of you who have me on the tweets know I was up at an ungodly hour yesterday morning to catch the 1st LSE train (507 am) out of Oshawa.

My day really was trains, planes, buses and automobiles for a whirlwind trip to Montreal for business. A trip that almost didn't happen.

Oh it was close. It was so so so close.

Monday was a long day and my mother sweetened the crap by asking me to venture into the Eaton Centre - a place I HATE - "to run to Old Navy to fetch a sweater she put on hold". First of all, there is no 'running' to Old Navy. I work across from the Eaton Centre, where it starts. Old Navy is located where it ends.

I had a million things to do before leaving for this trip, some items that were delayed because I wasn't in on Friday. I was already working well past 'time to go home' and had to be up at 4am the following day. There is no saying no to my mother.

Those with an Eastern European mother know they are the first to throw out the guilt card. Screw the King of Hearts. Nothing beats the "next time you ask me to do something for you, I'm going to be too busy to do it, too" card. Her house wins. Every time.

By 730 pm, I'd done as much as I could on a presentation I had to provide graphics for. Knowing I had to call it a night, I left work and walked up Yonge from Queen to Old Navy (Dundas).

I buy the goddamn sweater and take the subway to Union. I miss the 813 pm train by 2 minutes.
This sets the mood for the rest of the night.

I sit around Union waiting for the 913 pm train, pissed off that I'm wasting time and all this over a stupid $17.25 sweater. Granted, that was the 75% off sale price, but still.

I roll out on the 913. I have the sweater, my purse, and a leather attache folder with printouts relevant to Montreal, notes from the company president about the presentation I had been working on, my boarding passes, the address of where I was going and reference guides for training all neatly bound and printed in colour.

On the train, I put the Old Navy bag and my purse under my seat and I slide the folder into the crevice of the seat between the cushion and armrest - this location is key to the story so pay attention.

As we leave Whitby, I'm so tired and unhappy that I will get less than 4 hours sleep that I'm no longer clued in to what I had with me when I boarded.

I remembered the sweater. I remembered my purse. (Oh yes, you know what's coming...)

I walked to my car all the way at the end of the lot - the same distance to walk from Queen to Dundas. As I get in my car I suddenly realize that I don't have the leather attache folder. Yes, those of you who are swift already knew this.

The train was still sitting at the station.

I threw my purse and the goddamned sweater into my car and took off running.

Here's what I didn't clue into: the train wasn't going anywhere but when I got off the train, it was "out of service" but only temporarily.

I'd like to point out a few things about me and running.
1. I suffer from chronic heel pain.
2. I'm overweight.
3. I have asthma.
4. I run like I'm treading mud.

As I reach the platform, my lungs are screaming, my feet are numb, I can't feel my thighs and I'm coughing. In fact, by the time I reach the accessibility coach, I am so out of breath I can't talk.

The engineer was on the platform and he took one look at me and asked me if I left something on the train.

I nodded. I coughed and gasped and felt like vomiting. He told me the doors would be opening soon once the train was back in service and that's when I clued in to a few people milling about the platform.

I didn't know! The hell! And I did that Olympic Sprint for nothing. Nothing!

I got on the train and could not recall which coach I was on, so I raced through the four locomotives east of the CSA and on the second run-through, found my folder.

I walked like a turtle back to my car and was coughing so hard, I was gagging. In hindsight, I should have just slept at the office.

I honestly don't know where the hell I was going with this. Other than to say when the CSA says to look around for your shit so you don't forget it, heed the advice.

Just another day on the TTC

Amazerballs. So much for staying well back behind the yellow platform line, huh?
Thanks to Dan D. for the pic.

Train 1 - Ferrari 0

I can't confirm if these pictures are indeed what happened after a Ferrari driver attempted to outrun a GO train five years ago according to an email. Some sharp-eyed railhead will probably smell a rat but they're neat and show why you'll never win in a contest against a train.

A quick note about anonymous commenting - Redux

I've turned off moderation. This means comments will appear instantaneously.

I think I've tightened up the spam filters and suspect our 12 year old troll will have to be more imaginative with his flaming if he wants to be heard.

I don't like putting up a barrier. I like giving people the opportunity to speak without censorship but some people just need to surf away and get their own soapbox.

Foot rider tells us we're number one

Henry disagrees with this site's anti-foot riding mandate and sent in this lovely photo for all of us to enjoy.

I salute you too, Henry.

My chainsaw loves men of girth and it's hungry.

Bag riding and foot riding. Doing' it right

Girlie here has it down. Bag next to her. Feet on the bag. Awesomesauce.

The Future

Apparently, two coaches were enough in "the future".

Unfortunately, I don't know the backstory of this photo emailed to me. The sign says "GO Urban"??? in what is the GO Transit stylized font. Perhaps GO Transit was to be one big monorail along the lake? Close enough.

Photographer Terry Doner captures 'exit the GO parking lot' crazy. Richmond Hill, but it's like this pretty much at all of them

Source

Bluhd!

from J. McDonnell
to cj@thiscrazytrain.com
Wed, Nov 23, 2011 at 12:58 AM
subject nose gushers

I'm susceptible to nosebleeds at this time of year. I just found your website so I figured I would send you a story that happened to me last week.

I was headed home to Milton and was in a quad with three other women. My nose was really dry. So I kept pinching it hoping this would stimulate some mucus. After about 12 minutes of this, I began to think of things that would make me cry such as my dog dying, my mom burning all my Pac Man personal arcade systems. You know those really small versions of the larger kind you would play in an arcade? I have seven of them. All original. Mint. Already the tears are forming. What I was hoping for was a runny nose as it would help with the lube. Earlier in the day I had moistened my nostrils with dabs of Vaseline. Hey, anyone who deals with this dry nose shit is nodding their head. Anyone grossed out should just count their lucky stars you don't have to start your day stuffing grease up your snot tunnels.
About 30 minutes into the ride, I'm now considering giving up my seat to snort the water that isn't safe for consumption in the GO train bathroom when all of a sudden, I feel a gathering wetness in my left nostril. Shit. Blood.

Of course I have no fucking tissues and the only thing I can use to stench the flow is the sleeve of my jacket, which I carefully use to dab after every sniff of blood. I throw my head back which only pushes the blood down my throat causing me to gag. Then horror of horrors, I irritated my gag reflex and coughed, spewing a spray of blood into my hands.

Only one of the women in my quad was awake and she was staring at me like I was Regan in the Exorcist movie.

I mumbled an apology and scrambled to get up to go to the bathroom. I realized I had the attention of quite a few people who had no qualms about shrinking back into their seats as I passed them.

In the bathroom I looked like I had just bitten the toe off of someone. I had blood crusted on top of my upper lip. My nose was leaking like a faucet. I stayed in the bathroom for most of the ride.

My wife was waiting for me at the station. She was pissed I had ruined my jacket. Like I had intended for all this to go down.

I guess what surprised me most was that no one offered to get me paper towels or provide Kleenexes. I guess that's to be expected in this day and age with all the diseases on hand.
A crappy train ride home.

-J

Reminds me of this video:



J, you're the boy screaming, "Not funnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee!"

An almost 'win' for all your space are belong to us on the TTC

Surprisingly, This Crazy Train has developed a rather large TTC following. Are there no satirical TTC blogs out there with roving citizen-eye riders on the look-out for the rudest of rude? Or is it because I'm just so awesome? Well... I am.

Sean writes:

I was on the TTC this morning, and these two yahoos decided to take the comfort of a three-seater subway car and turn it into a two-seater. The way they did this is by sharing a newspaper (sorry, the "Metro"; not a real newspaper) between them and effectively hiding the middle seat. Alas, their clever scheme only lasted one stop, before an elderly woman snuck in between them.

Go Granny go Granny go.

Guy on the right: "The key to 'all your space' is to look super engrossed in the conversation."
Guy on the left: "Got it. Look super engrossed."

Guy on the right: "Be sure to smile occasionally so people don't think you're that much of a douche for hogging a seat."
Guy on the left: "Got it. Look friendly."
Guy on the right: "Right. This way, little old ladies aren't scared to ask for a seat."
Guy on the left: "Got it. No stealing seats from nana."

It was all kinds of purple

A few of you will recall an earlier post involving the purchase of a ticket for the "Purple One" by my father.

Dad got me a great seat as one can see from the photo.

I last saw His Royal Purple Highness in 2004. The man is a tireless performer. He rocked for almost four hours and gave encore after encore. The best was when he busted out Purple Rain. It was amazing to see so many people just so happy to be singing a song they truly love.

I went alone to the concert but made friends with the people around me. I wore purple but not to the extremes that others did. Prince fans be crazy y'all.

For those who missed him, here's the performance of all performances:

Off Topic: First in line for Santa at Fairview Mall!

Lemme tell you. This Santa? He was all kinds of awesome. He spent well over five minutes chatting with my kid. She was so ecstatic afterwards that it really made me feel grateful that she's the kid that she is. Funny. Sweet. Sensitive. Her excitement makes me want to enjoy Christmas.

It's been a very stressful two weeks for me. Been tryin' to bring the funny but not really feelin' it these days. What this girlie needs is sleep. Alcohol. Sleep. Alcohol. And not necessarily in that order. I suspect next week will be better.

I have in my possession probably one of the best text exchanges yet with someone who confuses me with GO Transit Lost & Found. I just have to clean it up. It's amazerballs.

What a gong show that was ...

I have to admit, it's been over 18 years since I've taken a TTC ride north of Queen on the Yonge line.

The hell?

One word. Sardines.

I had a conference today. I journeyed up from Union to North York Centre and left at around 5pm, so just at the start of the clusterf*ck rush hour. By the time the train left York Mills, the train, one of those new, motorhome-wide Bombardier models, was P-A-C-K-E-D.

I was seated in one of the 3-seater jump seats. The ones with a sign that says small babies will be catapulted off of. A woman is standing right beside me and almost over top of me. Like this:

Am I setting the scene now? Good. I had snapped the photo so I could show how tight it was on the train and how people were almost on top of me. But then things took a different turn.

She's chewing gum. She's snapping it. She's chomping it. She's blowing bubbles.

Well girlie blew a little too hard because this is what happened next:

This is my chest and me taking a photo of my chest where her orange-coloured gum landed on my scarf. Because I know, if I didn't, few would believe me that this woman launched her gum clear out of her mouth and onto me.

What happened next? Settle down. I didn't go for a bag beatdown although it did cross my mind but how could I? Oh, how soon y'all forget. The nail incident?

She saw me take the photo which I know totally threw her for a loop. Yeah, Imma submit this to CityNews Viewer News. Top story.

She made no effort to retrieve her gum. I had to ask her. She reached down quickly, snagged it and held it between her fingers.

Look, I felt for her but really? No apology? When the train pulled into Bloor, she bolted.

Train delayed? Cancelled? Go ahead, make yourself comfortable

What a shit show that was

I lost all battery power on my BlackBerry shortly after climbing aboard the 5:53pm LSE, so I had no idea or fore-warnings of the dog and pony show that was sadly, a pedestrian fatality at Guildwood.

However, I did connect with the people around me to commandeer another BlackBerry and send a text to my husband so at least he knew, if we were going to be idle for hours, that I was stuck. Said networking led to a student sitting in my quad getting a lead at a law firm. See? Delays aren't all that bad.

This also meant I missed all the texts sent to me as people vented. I do have a messaging feature enabled on my phone that emails all texts to me, so I had some great reading material when I got home.

Yes, it was a suck-fest and yes, I agree that pedestrian fatalities are an annoyance and an inconvenience and yes, I do wonder why these people don't wait until 2am, but the reality is there are people who do decide to end their lives in this manner. It's unfortunate that the ones who are affected are those left to deal with the decision: the VIA engineer, the first responders, witnesses, the family left behind, etc. Our 35-minute to 1.5 hour delay (depending on what train you were on) pales in comparison to what these people just had to go through.

Or, there are people who choose to try to beat an oncoming train at a level crossing. I never understood people who do that. Maybe someone can explain it to me?

Every bag tells a story

Wednesday night's 5:53pm express from Union to Oshawa.

When I get on, the train is 75% full. I take the first seat available in a quad opposite a dude and a chick with her very large bag on the seat across from her. She's on her iPhone, yapping with a lot of likes and um, and uh, and you know, like?

The train continues to fill. She makes no motion to remove the bag even though I'm eyeballing it and waiting for someone to ask her to move it so they can sit. No dice. Holy crap, people are way too polite.

This girl doesn't even take a breath. And she's crowded herself against the window and facing out that way so as it to indicate through her body language that if no one can see her face, no one will ask her to move her bag.

She talks. And she talks. Finally, the train is standing room only and we begin to pull out of Union. She's still talking and I've gotten busy tweeting about her.

This is all kinds of rude.

Amazingly at no point, even through the Rouge Valley dead zone, did she lose any cell signal. I contemplated a few times slapping her on the arm to get her attention but then figured, why the hell should I do all the work to free up a seat for someone who doesn't have the balls to tell her to move her crap?

After Pickering, she decides she needs to get more comfortable and throws her dirty, caked-on-muddy boots onto the seat. I had enough at this point. After Ajax, there was enough room for me to move to change seats so I didn't have to listen to her stupid pirate hooker conversation with her friend. As I was leaving, I did say very loudly, I sure hope you bought a second ticket for your bag and walked up the stairs to sit somewhere else.

Entitlement? Absolutely.

These are the clowns some have raised.

Beware: I will shut down your game of BBM ping pong

5:10 pm LSE Tuesday

The lady beside me has the volume on her BlackBerry set to L-O-U-D. There are several of us around her who are fiddling with our own BlackBerries, which are quiet.

She's in full BBM-mode (*BBM = BlackBerry Messenger), sending messages back and forth between herself and a colleague. The pinging is so loud that I want to punch her in the va-jay-jay after every ping.

After the 11th ping or so, the guy across from me drops his head into his hands. Let me tell you something about "dramatics" and "grandstanding". The people annoying the shit outta you? They don't notice your gestures, your eye rolls, your death stares, your sighs, or your throats clearing.

Queue me.

"Would you like me to show you how to turn your volume down?" I ask the woman.

"Oh, is it bothering you?" She asks, throwing a quick glance at everyone around her. Thanks for shaking all your heads "yes", you donkeys.

"It's a little loud," I say with a polite smile. I take her Blackberry and show her on the Home Screen how to change her alerts. We settle on "Normal" although I would have preferred "Silent".

She doesn't thank me which irks me. I imagine she thought I was in the wrong. That I was rude. Or bold.

No, what I am is smart. There was no way in hell I was listening to anyone play a game of BBM ping-pong for 45 minutes. Not on my watch. Imma shut you down.

Meme butchered by Yours Truly

Off Topic: As seen at the grocey store. No wonder life tastes a little "off" at times

Somewhere there's a produce manager who thinks he's pretty clever.

Photo courtesy of Sean P.

It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure book

UPDATE
Holy moses. Loads of people are googling the link shown in the email below. Either these people don't realize they willingly set themselves up for GO news alerts, they don't trust "the man", they just refuse to believe the "reward" is real, or they think it's a virus.

---

"GO Transit" (alerts@enews-gotransit.com)

GO Transit wants to learn more about how you use our train service. We are conducting a survey to better understand your transit needs. Please take a few minutes to complete this survey. Completing the survey by December 21 will enter you in a contest for a chance to win one of ten $250 GO Transit fare vouchers! Please visit www.enews.gorailsurvey.com to take the survey

What? Me? Turn down free fare? Never.

I must warn you, the questions almost make you want to lie.


This one below, is specifically dangerous. If this survey were paper-based, there'd be a big arrow with the words "Turn over for more" scrawled underneath.

When a text message takes a wrong turn

I present to you, what happens when a person with good intentions, goes down in a blaze of glory.

I've stripped the remaining text headers out for y'all. My replies are in green.

Text message from 1416730XXXX
to 19054427423
Mon Nov 21 2011 06:55 PM

r u the go person?

Text message from 19054427423
to 1416730XXXX
Mon Nov 21 2011 06:59 PM

Hi! I am definitely a go-to person. What's up?

is this the go train site?

No.

so this isn't the crazy go site???

Yes and no.

wtf? are u the person who writes about go trains???

Yes, sometimes.

oh my f*cking god. just answer the question!!!

I did.

no u didn't.

is this ur website www.thiscrazytrain.com

Yes.

why didn't u just say yes!!!??????

Then I would be lying.

what?

You asked if I was the "go person"? I'm not.

jesus christ. r u really this slow??? obviously u new what i meant.

Au contraire, my friend. I get people who mistake me for a GO Transit employee so I like to be real upfront about who I am not.

whatever, k. i have a story 4 u.

Are there keys missing on your end? What are you using?

wtf?

Why are you typing like I'm charging by the letter?

who cares who i type. r u interested in my story or not????!

Sure. Shoot. Just don't type me as a class-A personality.

i don't feel lke tellin it 2 u NE more cuz ur being so rude

Your typing is giving me a headache. What's better for pain? Tylenol or Advil?

etf?

Are you trying to give me stock advice?

WTF?! r u on crack?

r u high?

I think you need some anger management courses.

i think u need a kick in the azz

Okay, why don't you name the place and time and I'll come by and show you some buns?

w/e. i'm out.

Have a good night. Don't forget to water your plants. Mark Cullen told me once that plants die if you just put them on the fireplace. Stupid guy. Knowing so much about plants. Please.

Because I haven't broken out the cheerleaders yet

This heartwarming story comes from one of the regulars - lswgirl13.

With all the bitching and complaining (on the site) I actually have a warm and fuzzy story. Last nite, I'm almost at my stop, all comfy as I have the quad to myself.

I'm getting organized, get my keys out of my purse, put my PRESTO card back in my wallet, put my gloves on, etc. I get into my car (totally unrelated but just to piss Whitby and Oshawa people off, less than 5 minutes from off the train to out of the parking lot!!) and head to the grocery store for a few things.

I get to the cashier, open my purse and yep, NO WALLET. I immediately knew I had left it on the train. My gas tank is nearly empty. I have no cash, no debit card, no credit cards (including my work one!), no driver's licence, no health cards PRESTO card... NOTHING.

I whip home, get on the computer and start looking for GO phone numbers thinking all the while I have a poop-load of stuff to cancel and then my home phone rings. It's a girl named Lisa, who is also my new BFF, and she has my wallet. She boarded when I got off and she was heading home to Hamilton.

She found my business card and was going leave a message for me at the office, but figured I'd be in a panic, so she used the info from my licence and Canada 411'ed me when she got home to get my home number.

I borrowed money from my son for gas and whipped into Hamilton to get my wallet.

Everything, including the money was still there. I gave her a bit of cash for saving my ass and for being such a decent human being AND even more important, I made it home in time for Dancing with the Stars!

It makes me feel good to know there are still honest people out there.

Lisa, this is for you (girl better have told you about this website):

*\o/* *\o/* *\o/* *\o/*

This story is worthy of four cheerleaders.
Oh, and one more, a sexy pirate cheerleader just for Fred:

*\o/¿

Girl with a suitcase hasn't got a clue

Lots of room under the seat! Funny, she has no issues having her laptop bag on the floor.

721 OSH - UNST

I'm in the bi-level part of the last coach. There's a woman in the quad beside me, who for some reason, feels her suitcase belongs on a seat and not on the floor. She has it on the seat opposite her. There is plenty of room near us for her rolling bag.

Fast-forward to Ajax, I ask her, before the train pulls in, if she'd like to put her suitcase on the floor. She says, "No thanks".
The hell? Bitch, that wasn't a question.

People get on and I already know by looking at some of the answers to the recent poll on this site that ain't no one gonna ask her to move her shit.

Wait, I spoke too soon, a man asks her if the seat is taken and she makes this big production (something tells me she doesn't ride the train much during rush hour) of moving her suitcase from the seat opposite of her to the seat beside her, which results in several people coming up and waiting on the stairs to shoot her death stares and of course, roll some eyeballs.
I mumble, "Told ya to move it" and she ignores me.

Look, still lots of room!

She's put all her hair in front of her face like a shield as she studies some documents from Goodlife Fitness about how to answer sales calls.

I have a good view of her side boob. It's just begging for a punch but I won't. Because I don't like jail.

New poll. Those who read this blog faithfully already know which answer is mine

I got some flack about how I handled the Blackberry Trackballah from last week, so I'm curious, let's hear how you superstars would have handled it.

Top right. Vote.

And just as an FYI:

How to turn off trackball sounds

1. In the device options, click Screen/Keyboard.
2. Set the Audible Roll field to Mute.
3. Press the Menu key.
4. Click Save.

217 voted (thank you) and the winner is ... Presto

But not by much.

People still love their paper passes.

HOW DO YOU PAY YOUR GO TRANSIT FARE?

Presto
94 (43%)

Monthly Pass
92 (42%)

10-Ride
26 (11%)

Two-Ride
5 (2%)

Votes so far: 217

Off Topic: You may want to change the sign

Parking FAIL at Lawrence & Elinor in Scarborough.

Photo courtesy of my friend and news photographer, Tom Stefanac

GO-GO Gong Show

What a crap weekend I had. Fever, chills and a cough. I'm sure standing in a cold wind for three hours on Saturday during the Bomanville Santa Claus parade didn't help my situation. But the kid loved it.

Here I was, all snuggled in bed, with my 40 pillows and two cats, and the mistake of keeping my BB next to me after I made the rounds of texting and calling those who needed to know that I would be keeping my germs to myself today, when the phone lit up like a Christmas tree.

The 6:27 am milk run from Oshawa became express from Pickering which I'm sure, delighted the folks on that run and the 6:47 am Oshawa, which is the express from Pickering, became the milk run, annoying the hell out of, I'd say, 15 of you based on the texts, BBMs and tweets. I love it. You come and bitch to me. Imma take it. At this point, I turned up the dial on my electric blanket.

My GO patriot, Doug, sent me a text that read, "With trains late this morning a lady is handing out cards asking us to complete a survey. I think, "Are they that dumb?". Then everyone I have been standing with for 45 minutes all said yes and took a card. I am sure the responses will be negative -- just my gut feel. What a crazy morning starting at 645 am."

That's one way to ensure participation.

But don't be jealous of me. I'm still going to try to get some work done from home. Just be glad I'm not on the train spreading the sick around. You don't want this.

Freeloaders on a GO Bus

Someone's been sipping too much of the juice

Angela says this woman did the entire hokey pokey in her seat (I shake my hands back and forth!) during the entire morning rush hour ride to Union Friday. It was all kinds of exercises!

That's not water in that keg of hers.

And get your crap off the seats, you dirty bag rider!