Friday, July 29, 2011

Not once, but twice! reader suffers abuse at the hands of parking donkeys

I don't have a name just a phone number but I'll call the person who texted me these pictures "Janet". She sounds like a Janet.

On July 15th, at the Streetsville GO station, Janet parked her Hyundai in the parking lot and went to work. When she returned to her car, she bore witness to this:

Someone had scraped her car.

There was no note. No banana offering to show apologies. Janet drove home - pissed off and in disbelief that people can't drive out of a parking lot without causing mass destruction.

Fast forward two weeks later. Janet again parks at the Streetsville GO and last night, when returning to her car, she discovered this:

Again, someone had hit her car, only this time, the donkey managed to scrawl out a note offering to pay for the repair.

The paint colour looks the same to me and I'm willing to bet all the fat in Kim Kardashian's ass that it's the same car, same driver.

Tell me, how in the hell does anyone manage to scrape another car? Did the person graduate from the Stevie Wonder School of Driving? Seriously.

And now for something completely random ... I'll have a pepperoni pizza with a side of Bollywood please

Thursday, July 28, 2011

About those Chrysler employees parking at the Oshawa GO lot

Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2011 09:03:31 -0400
To: Cindy Smith
Subject: RE: DDC employees parking in GO Transit parking lot

Thank you for the information about our employees parking in the Go lot.

We have an assigned area off sight for our employees to park and I will remind Everyone that they should be parking there.

Thank you again
Peter Bright
Awesome. However:

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Keep Bitchin'

I love it.

I love it, love it, love it aaaaaannnnnd love it.

I especially love it when you bitch about asshole drivers who can't park, can't stop at a stop sign, attempt to run people over or have no idea that a turn lane isn't a through-lane!

A woman pulled this stunt at the Oshawa GO Station this morning and nearly broadsided me. Then, she had the nerve to confront me after I parked about why I blared my horn at her. Holy crap, she was in a left turn lane. When the light turned green, she gave no indication she was going to be a jackass and enter the intersection where she drove forward into what is the merge lane for the next entrance into the lot. It was a stupid driving maneuver.

I also want to let Kevin, Derek, Tessa and Elisha know that I did contact Durham Dodge Chrysler to inquire why their service technicians are using the Oshawa GO Parking lot for employee parking. Parking is already at a premium and the capacity is reached by 8:30 am making it difficult for those who take later trains to find parking. Those employees have no business parking in the GO lot. If Durham Dodge Chrysler can't provide parking for their employees, they need to expand their own lot. I'm pretty sure if GO customers were parking on the dealership property, the tow-trucks couldn't arrive fast enough! I wonder if the dealership would extend me the courtesy to park in their Customer Parking spaces on days when I can't find a spot in the GO lot? Doubtful.

However, what I would like is photographic evidence. These guys have the balls to be in their work uniforms so I'd like pictures. If you've also witnessed this, please email me ( UPDATE - Email from Durham Dodge Chrysler

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Union station compost fail. Spot the problem


Parking lot assholes (the rage spreads beyond Oshawa)

From: KXXXXXXX Foster
Date: Mon, 25 Jul 2011 13:41:51 -0400
Subject: Asshole Drivers

Is it just me, or is it extremely irritating (rage-inducing even) when people drive diagonally across the GO lot, cutting through all the empty spots to get to the parking spots that are filling in closest to the station? Personally, I like to be SAFE and drive down the main lane of the parking lot to where the front rows are filling in, turn down one of the aisles, find a spot and then park. You know, the way you’re legally supposed to. But everyday it seems there’s some jackass who can’t be bothered to drive properly. Instead, they come in from the back of the lot and cut through all the aisles and empty parking spots until they get to the front where people are parking.

So we have all these people speeding in diagonally across the lot, and other people driving in the marked aisles horizontally. Naturally, this makes it dangerous. Several times I have almost been hit this way! Every time I come into the lot I have to be on the watch for these people so they don’t smash into my car and myself. Do you have this problem in Oshawa or is this just at my station (Appleby in Burlington)
Yep. Just as bad as Oshawa.

I'm sorry, your umbrella is too fat to ride

Date: Mon, 25 Jul 2011 08:49:00 -0700
Subject: Umbrella Fail

A woman got onto the second train out of Barrie today (sorry, I didn't pay attention to what station we were at) with a really big umbrella - picture a golf umbrella, but bigger (someone later quipped that it was a patio table umbrella). It is pouring, people are rushing to get on behind her, and... the big umbrella won't close! She's up against the opposite doors blocking access to the stairs, fighting with this thing. People are piling up behind her until another person took pity on her and gave her a hand. I guess this goes to show that bigger is not always better.
Sounds like she had one of those beach parasols!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Carpool to Whitby for priority parking

According to those who have VIP parking spots, GO can't even protect the spaces people actually PAY for from drivers who park illegally and we're expected to believe FREE spaces (for carpoolers) will be enforced. Here's hoping. The lots need to be monitored. Parking abuse is a huge problem.

In a pilot project, GO Transit is offering carpool parking at four of their stations. If you use one of these stations, you can apply for a free carpool parking permit: Oakville, East Gwillimbury, Burlington and Whitby.


Friday, July 22, 2011

Entitlement. He has it

Photo submitted by Kevin L.

Why is it that those of us who leave from Oshawa always get the shaft?

I'd like to share what I wrote on GO Transit's Official Facebook page:

The LSE issues this morning could have been handled better in regards to those departing from Oshawa who were unaware that the 7:15 and 7:53 trains had been cancelled.

The 7:00 train had been holding at Oshawa and left at 7:49, only to sit outside Whitby for 2 minutes. How difficult would it have been to hold that train for four extra minutes at Oshawa for those who thought it was the 7:53?

People aren't supposed to be checking mobile devices as they drive to the station and those who were on buses, weren't even told by drivers of the delays/cancellations. This is pretty rotten customer service.

Those people left standing on the platform this morning at Oshawa deserve a text message apology. I was lucky enough to be on the train but how this was handled wasn't fair to those who were not.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

When it's this hot, you set your A/C to "crotch"

Enjoy getting into your cars tonight folks after they've been sitting in the GO lots all day today.

Thanks to Beth for the photo. Yes, that's the real temperature recorded by her Ford Edge's exterior thermometer.

Warmageddon brings out the best in me

Yesterday, I put a co-worker on the wrong GO bus.

We had gone out to dinner and because of a disability, she can't run. I'm not much of a runner myself but I hoofed it along the GO Bus Terminal platform from Bay, almost over to Yonge, to hold the bus leaving from Platform 46 for her. Even though the bus was due to leave at that very minute, the GO bus operator heeded my cries of, "Please wait!" I figured it couldn't hurt.

She patiently waited for D. to make her way along the platform. I know GO tries to keep strict schedules. I never expect anyone to make exceptions so I thought it was amazing that the driver waited. The bus left just 1 minute past the departure time.

So here I am, all sweaty, hot, looking like butter on corn, when I look up and to my horror, realized I just put D. on a bus bound for Barrie when the bus she should have been on is the one waiting on Platform 45, marked for Aurora.

I frantically dialed D.'s cell to tell her to get off the bus but thankfully, she figured it out on her own when she asked the driver as she pulled away if she stops at Rutherford.


There's no trains on the Barrie line after a certain hour so those folks looking to stay downtown after rush hour need to rely on a series of buses.

My own train wound up being late. I told off a couple for smoking on Platform 5. I yelled at another couple who decided to pour water from water bottles over themselves while sitting on the train (there was air conditioning, who the hell are these people?!) I gave the hairy eyeball to the woman sitting across from me who slipped off her running shoes (no socks) and threw her bare, stinky feet up on the seat beside me. I made a big production of asking her to move her legs so I could change seats. The smell, similar to that of stale corn chips, was too overpowering to bear.

At least I had a full lobster dinner in my belly. I can't imagine how things would have gone down if I had been hungry as well.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


from Terry O.
July 16, 2011
subject Summer Convos

I know you find other people's conversations funny so I'd like to share my own experience from this morning while riding in from Ajax for a day of shopping.

Two college age females were sitting across from me and were discussing diseases and how neither of them would like a disease named after them, "Like, So and So syndrome." All of a sudden, one of them makes a face and says, "Like the guy who discovered Diabetes! Imagine your family name being associated with that? Hi, I'm Mr. Diabetes." "Or Lou Gerrick (sic)," says her friend.

Face palm. Imagine these two in school: "Can someone tell me who discovered diabetes?"

"Some guy named Diabetes?"

Ha ha ha. No.


This Crazy Train's Presto Chronicles, Chapter 8: Voodoo

I checked my Presto balance online today. Saw something interesting ...

Apparently on July 15, somehow, despite taking the 5:20 pm train from Union, I managed to tap my card at Danforth Station at 8:20 pm for a Card Query. I live in Clarington, sixty some-odd kilometres away from the Danforth GO Station. True, I could have gotten off the train when it arrived in Oshawa, gotten in my car and drove over to Danforth Station for a card query and then, hopped in my car for the hour ride back. But I didn't.

See for yourself (click to enlarge):

Voodoo. No wait, ghosts in the machine! Crossed wires? Bad programming. How about we just get this fixed, m'kay? I called GO Customer Care, cracked some jokes, got some possible theories, such as my card got scanned as I was passing by on the train were checked ... Impossible, I said. I was on the 5:20. Just a communications error? Yeah, it happens.

All the more reason to trust technology, you say! No, really. I can tell you from experience that strange sh-t goes down with technology.

Now I just need to figure out why my Presto card is cheating on me.


Because I'm the Ann Landers of all things GO (apparently), here are some frequently asked questions I've received over the past year via text messages in regards to various dilemmas and my replies (in green and italics):

The man across from me keeps picking his nose. What should I do.
Do you have tissues?
Do you have socks?
Um, yeah, why?
Take one off and give it to him.

* * *

Ever seen a hot guy on the train and wonder what his name is?

* * *

Let's say I'm your number one fan and would like to treat you to coffee, would you meet me somewhere?
If you can show me Somewhere on a map, it's a date.

* * *

What do you prefer? Presto or paper pass?
Well surely you have a preference.
Oh, absolutely. I prefer free!
What's better in your opinion?
Wow, you're no help.

* * *

What do you consider a good situation to press the yellow strip?
Ask yourself, is my life in danger? If you answer yes, press the strip.

* * *

Boxers or briefs?
On me? Neither.

* * *

Are you hot?
Are you stupid?

* * *

I know this is off topic but I've been following your site for a while so I figure I'd put this out there. Ever thought of leaving your husband?
Why in the hell would you ask me that?
I'm lonely. Good luck.

* * *

This train is so hot, I'm gonna melt. Why can't they ever get the temperature right?

* * *

Hey, I know you've mentioned you have train friends. Recently one of my train friends found herself a new friend and I'm feeling left out. What should I do?
Buy a book.

* * *

The guy beside me has his music so loud, I can sing along.
Do it.

* * *

Do you really ride the GO train everyday?
Are you on medication?

* * *

OMG. You're hilarious. How can I be as funny as you?

* * *

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A hot walk to Union ...

The lady in the blue SWEATER also had a wool turtleneck under her sweater. She walked down Bay Street from Adelaide. I was behind her.
She made me feel hot. Very hot. This was yesterday. It was 32C at the time.

Dyslexic parking job causes grief

I watched four different drivers make attempts to park in this spot this morning at the Oshawa GO lot. None of them had the balls to cut their vehicle as close as they could to this jerk. Just drive in then. Park your passenger side as close as you can to the jerk's passenger side. Done. I believe it's the owner of the Jeep that caused the disturbance, judging where his tires sit.

Mosquito in Union Station GO Concourse waits for lunch

Monday, July 18, 2011

All I want. Is. A. Goddamn. Quiet. Car.

Matt (via email to writes:

I'm on the GT 7:38 (Bramalea to Union). As with every day, there is a woman who gets on the train at Bramalea with a cellphone wedged between her ear and her shoulder. If every other day is a predictor, she will continue to speak on the phone the entire way to union. This happens every day. I'm not kidding.

I would love to know what she is talking about, but she's not speaking English.

To make matters worse, I already had to change where I sat on this train because of a make-up/face cream/body groomer who also spent the entire ride in talking to a friend of hers who was also on the same train.

Where are these fabled "quiet cars"?

And she'll have fun fun fun til her daddy takes the T-bird away ...

I got up at a ridiculous hour this morning to drag my sorry ass to the Oshawa GO Station for 7am. (Half of you are probably saying, "Pfft! That's lunch time for me!")

As I drove into the lot, I noticed a tow truck operator hooking up a late 80s model Ford Thunderbird (or Thunder Chicken as my husband calls them). Curious, because this is the first time in the history of me taking the train have I ever seen a tow truck actually taking a vehicle away from said GO lot, I asked the operator for the scoop.

Turns out the car was reported stolen. By supposedly a parent. Whose daughter had taken it out for a joyride.

So I said, "And you're bringing it back?!"

(Ba rump de rump rump)

Thank you! I'm here all week. Tip your servers!

No really, I am here all week.

Friday, July 15, 2011

You know what sucks?

People who see a kid get on a morning rush hour train and roll their eyes.

Don't be so quick to judge.

My 6 year old accompanied me to work today as she's spending the weekend at my parents who live in the Bloor West Village area of Toronto. This was the best way to get her to them as my mother just had to drive over to Queen and Yonge to pick her up.

My daughter sat quietly in a seat with a movie on my Blackberry and headphones with nary a peep. Why? Because I know how to keep my kid in line.

You're welcome.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Well... this. is. just. SAD

UPDATE 7-14-2011
10:29 PM

The VIA Rail employee killed in this incident has been identified as Rick McColl, 53, of Hampton, Ont., according to the Toronto Star.
Full story

* * *

"GO E-News Alert"

07/14/2011 02:41 PM

Lakeshore East Passengers: GO Train service on your line is currently suspended between Pickering and Guildwood due to a pedestrian fatality involving a VIA train. The police investigation resulting from this incident is likely to continue into our peak evening travel period and if it does will result in a significant impact to your travel with us this evening.

Currently GO service on the Lakeshore East line has been adjusted as follows:

GO Train service will operate between Union and Guildwood and again between Pickering and Oshawa.

We will operate a shuttle bus service between Pickering and Guildwood GO Stations. Rouge Hill GO Passengers may use their GO tickets to travel on the TTC.

We encourage passengers to allow extra time for travel this evening and if possible seek alternative travel.

We thank you for patience and will provide you updates on your service as soon as the situation changes.

Please do not reply to this email. This is an outgoing message only.
I don't know how you're getting home but I'll just stay here at work until the coast is clear.

Why can't people just stay off the tracks, you ask? Oh wait, he can't because the victim was a CN employee. An engineer! How does this happen? Whose head is gonna roll because communication broke down and someone died? How in the hell does this happen, period?

My condolences to the man's family. A tragedy that need not happen.

Toot! Toot! Beat. Beat.

I'm totally rushing this post because I have 10 minutes left to my lunch hour and a busy afternoon ahead but I really want to share a story that was texted to me this morning. Why? Because the use of a car horn isn't a crime. That's why. You wanna honk at someone? Do it.

Joanne was south on Park Road in Oshawa this morning and where it meets Bloor Street, there's a merge lane for southbound traffic to go west. Yes, there's a yield sign, meaning cars that are coming have the right of way so yes, you are to stop, but you can also proceed in the merge lane to flow into traffic onto Bloor.

Ahead of her was a woman in a red Caravan. She came to a stop at the merge lane and then proceeded to sit in the lane instead of moving forward and using the lane to merge into westbound traffic.

So Joanne did the unthinkable. She did something that was apparently "f*cking unnecessary and rude". She tooted her horn.

She writes, "I couldn't understand why she was sitting there. The merge lane isn't for through traffic but for traffic merging from Park Road southbound. So, after seeing several gaps for her to go, I tapped my horn. It wasn't until the light went red for the westbound traffic that she moved."

But it didn't end there. As Joanne parked at the Oshawa GO lot, so did the woman in the red Caravan. This same woman also decided to confront Joanne as she walked to the train. The conversation went as follows:

Red Caravan (RC): What that you who pumped your horn at me?

Joanne (taken by surprise): Yes, I couldn't understand why you were just stopped, in a merge lane.

Red Caravan (RC): It's not a merge lane. There's a yield sign. You have to stop.

Joanne: Yes, if there was through traffic but it's not a through lane. It's a merge lane.

Red Caravan (RC): It's not a merge lane. That is a lane for what used to be the on-ramp for the 401. How dare you f*cking pump your horn at me. If you're in a rush in the morning, have some f*cking patience.

Joanne: That's not why I honked my horn. You have a merge lane that you can use to merge into traffic. Instead, you stopped and just stayed there.

Joanne didn't get to finish because RC decided to give her a lecture and went on about all the accidents that happen at that corner which Joanne didn't find relevant to the situation. Joanne decided it was time to end the conversation, threw up her hands and continued walking.

Joanne writes, "She demanded an apology. She sarcastically said she was sorry if she ruined my morning because she decided to obey traffic rules. This pissed me off because I'm a former driving instructor. At the same time, I know she's right in that she did everything right in the technical sense but at the same time, she has 400 metres of lane to drive into to help with the flow of traffic as it empties from Park Road. But she wouldn't give me a chance to explain. And once she started swearing, she lost my respect. She really upset me. I could see if I had cut her off but all I did was toot my horn at her."

Hey, I'm with Joanne here. Granted, I'm taking all this at face value from a text exchange but since when is it rude to honk your horn at anyone? Even if Joanne was in the wrong? And to make a scene in the parking lot in front of passengers Joanne sees everyday? She was mortified. I don't blame her.

People piss me off all the time when I drive but when it comes to horn honking, go ahead and honk.

Here's a Google aerial view of the location in question:

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Hey Ken! Wanna go for a ride?!

I know Ken is sobbing somewhere in his pillow tonight because I didn't list the Indigo Girls as my most favorite musical group in the "Are You A Lesbian Questionnaire?" he sent me. In homage of his sleuthing, and based on reader suggestions, I have updated the banner just for him.

Background here.

View the This Crazy Train logo gallery.

But I'm not done. When I think of Ken, I also think of this:

Google needs to get their act together

After all the hard work I put into the damn poll, putting it together on my BlackBerry of all things, Google (aka Blooger) farts and I lose half the results.

On the weekend, the poll was showing that over 70 people had "voted". On Monday, I noticed that almost 25 of those votes disappeared.

This morning (Thursday), the number has dropped again.

You can't "unvote". So what happened?!

Stoopid Google.

Does your lard make you special? Nope

It's time to come clean to you turnips. I've alluded numerous times that I am a woman of girth. I wouldn't say tremendous girth but if we were meeting for the first time and I casually mentioned I was a Chef, you wouldn't raise your eyebrows in surprise.

I'm sympathetic to people who struggle with their food addictions, food relationships, diets, metabolism, etc ... I've stepped on every rung of that ladder but looking down from the top, I can tell you honestly I have only one thing to blame for how I got here - me.

Having said this, I do not expect others to accommodate my girth. I also don't consider obesity a disability. You can fight me on this but I'm not going to participate. I know how I got this big. Anyone who gets offended is in denial. Truth hurts.

Got this email tonight, here it is in its entirety, discuss at will if you'd like or you can email me personally (

from Kxxxx XXXXXXX
to "C.J. Smith"
date Wed, Jul 13, 2011 at 7:20 PM
subject Courtesy Seats
7:20 PM (2 hours ago)

Hey CJ,

How are things?

I was kinda stunned today on the 4:53 home when a woman directed some aggression toward me. I think we've had this discussion before... do we consider morbid obesity a disability? I'm sure there are challenges with mobility, but does this qualify for a courtesy seat?

I usually park myself in a 2-seater by the door. Not so that I can be first off the train, but mainly because I don't like to sit in a quad lest an obnoxious conversation start up. When I sit in a 2-seater, the only conversation that may happen would be between my co-rider and their voices. I'm a psych nurse, so I'm use to that. But I digress....

I'm sitting in my usual spot, and a morbidly obese woman got on the train. As she headed down the aisle toward a seat (there are several empty) she pounded her fist on the "courtesy seat" sticker by my head. I had my ear-buds on, so it kinda startled me. Now I wouldn't want to assume that all people who are morbidly obese are automatically disabled as well, because I think that would be disrespectful toward many people. So I have never jumped up and given that seat to someone her size, unless I saw an obvious reason i.e. a limp, a cane, etc.

Also, I see this woman get on in Oshawa all the time, and head upstairs, even when there are plenty of seats available down on the main level! Her attitude kinda pisses me off, because if I'm to assume she is disabled, why shouldn't she assume that I am as well? Is she sure that I don't have a cardiac issue, or arthritis in both my knees?

So what do people think? Should we be leaving those seats empty until the train is leaving, then whoever wants them can grab them (can you imagine?) or should those who do not have an obvious condition just speak up and politely request the seat? And what about the morbidly obese? Do they get a seat because we are to assume that they have health conditions due to the impact of their excess weight? Thing is, as a nurse I'm quite sure they would have mobility issues. Maybe I'm being judgmental, thinking she doesn't rate getting a seat because of the stigma toward obese people.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Cock-eyed Susan

Ahh, New York. The lights, the sounds, the showers

Andrew sent me this link.

I am not embedding the video but you can watch it yourself. In private. As in alone and after you've done eating.

Women showers on subway train

Going to Guelph? Good luck with that

from Claire XXXXXX
date Thu, Jul 7, 2011 at 8:39 AM
subject another customer service FAIL
Jul 7 (6 days ago)

Hi CJ,

I have a daughter who will be going to school in Guelph next fall and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out whether or not she could use a GO bus.

I occasionally see a "Guelph" bus at the station and I suspect it passes a bus stop near my home. However, there is no map to show what route a bus takes when traveling between points listed on the schedule. For example, you would never know my bus makes up to 18 stops between the Go station and my house, only one is listed on the schedule!

I called customer service (CS). The agent had a hard time finding the route, told me it was impossible, was argumentative, kept going off on tangents that had nothing to do with my request etc. Yesterday, I had a conversation with another Go bus rider from my neighborhood who sometimes takes that bus to Guelph. She had exactly the same experience with CS.

On her first trip, she drove to the station to catch the bus only to have it pick up passengers at stops along the route. She asked the driver if he would stop at the one near our neighborhood and he said, "You're kidding right? Of course we stop, it's a Go bus stop."

She explained her call to CS and the driver told her they don't know what they are talking about.

I had a similar experience. I wanted to know how to take a GO bus from Courtice to the Oshawa GO Station - express. I was told to drive to Bomanville and catch the bus at the Kiss and Ride. So ... drive east to go west. Right.


We've all seen these donkeys, trekking across the tundra that is Union Station with the weight of the world on their backs.

Oh, I know the cool word is "backpack" but some of these backpacks are so large and filled with God knows what, that those who wear them take up as much space as if they had a small child hanging from their neck. I call them a backperson.

Many aren't mindful that they're swinging a body around behind them or that this backperson takes up more room on stairs and in elevators, or on the train.

Tonight I got knocked off balance by a backperson whose owner decided to come to a screeching halt while climbing up the stairs to Platform 12. Colliding with his backperson caused me to lose my footing and if I hadn't managed to snag the railing, I most certainly would have fallen to a concrete death.

Once I regained my footing, I climbed past the jerk and shouted a loud, "Excuse Me!" in his hear.

Well that's a shitty deal. Save 7 cents! We're slashing our prices to save you pennies!

Saw this in a woman's bag while sitting on the train last night.
What a bargain. A savings of 7 cents. She had this in a Zellers bag.

Monday, July 11, 2011

All my friends know the Bag Rider

Bag Rider likes to take over. (insert horn toot toot)
Bag Rider makes you gonna move over.

Bag Rider is a dirty turnip. (insert horn toot toot)
Bag Rider needs to go ahead and move it.

- As sung to the tune of Low Rider

Thanks to 705761XXXX for the photo. Taken on the 5:10 LSE! You know that train gone full up!

The tale of the button

Today, I would like to share with you my button story. It's a little lame but if you've ever had a wardrobe malfunction while on the train, this story will be dear to your heart.

I had this pair of dress pants that I loved. One summer day in 2008, after a long food and alcohol weekend known as Canada Day, I decided that to hell with the two pounds or so I packed on in the course of three days, I was going to wear those pants to work.

I squeezed the top of those pants together, looped in the button, greased up the zipper (Vaseline) and I was done. I knew I had to move slowly so as not to disturb the tight pant force I had just invoked, but I was confident that a mere ONE dress size of too-tightness was fine. Nothing to be concerned about.

I can't remember when exactly all hell broke loose but after getting up to let a woman sit in the window seat beside me, I felt a sneeze coming on and I sneezed at the same moment I moved to sit back down. These two motions combined caused a disturbance in the force and I felt my button give way. Like a slow motion cafeteria scene in a John Hughes film, I watched that button sail across the aisle and then disappear under a row of seats.

Did I mention I was wearing a top that wasn't long enough to cover the valley? This is critical to the story. I also wasn't carrying a purse or bag this day. Instead, I was carrying a small, wallet-size clutch.

Immediately, I began to panic. I could feel the zipper slowly sliding down. I sat there trying to recall what shade of underwear I put on that morning. Was it white? Yellow? God, please don't let it be the one with the huge pussycat on the front! (I no longer own those).

My face grew hot as I realized I may have chosen white - with yellow smiling happy faces. Why the f*ck didn't I just choose black? I swore to myself. Beads of sweat began to form across my brow as I saw the Toronto skyline come into view. I slid my body forward to contain my belly from spreading the fabric. I'm not a toothpick. I have girth!

The man sitting across from me gave me a funny look. I told him that I didn't think my breakfast agreed with me. He shrunk back, looking like he was ready for me to projectile-vomit.

How the hell was I going to get off this train?

I waited until everyone had disembarked. I scurried off the train with my body crouched over, pulling down my shirt the best I could to hide the huge V, and lunged for the stairs. I needed a strategy. I needed a newspaper ... something. The f*cking zipper wouldn't stay up because I had lubed the bloody thing!

I was in no mood to hang around Union Station. I only had to walk as far as Bay and Queens' Quay. I figured if I could at least get to my office building, I could figure something out.

I was able to snag a Metro newspaper and I used it to shield the front of myself as I made my way down Bay Street, hunched over with a fist gripping the front of my pants. Twice I had strangers walking alongside me asking if I was okay. I'm sure I looked a hot mess. Sweat was streaming down my face because of panic and the heat.

There's a dry cleaner in the concourse of the office tower I worked at. I begged the dry cleaner to help me. She told me she couldn't sew a button with me standing in my pants. She also didn't have anywhere for me to hide if she took my pants off as she had no change room.

Feeling sorry for me, she found me a button and some thread and I scurried off to the public washroom. In a stall, I sewed on a button that wasn't the right size but it was enough to get me home, or so I thought.

I phoned into work and professed that a family emergency had occurred and called in a personal day. There was no way my pants would hold for the day. I considered shopping for a new pair once the Eaton Centre opened but was not prepared to do so considering the condition I was in. I couldn't imagine being in a store, or even in a cab, looking like I was about to unload the biggest dump ever because I'm gripping my pants and hunched over.

The train ride back was as equally precarious because due to engine problems, we were all forced to get off at Guildwood and wait for another train. I stood there on the platform gripping my pants to my stomach because the button I sewed on, of course, didn't hold.

A woman asked me if I needed something for the pain. I couldn't believe how many people had actually spoken to me about my "supposed" condition. I wound up telling her the real reason why I was standing like I was. She fished around in her purse and produced a safety pin. A big one. The thing worked like a charm.

I never did get her name.

Revenge of the herd

Someone waged war on the parking donkeys at Ajax on the Thursday before the Canada Day long weekend.

I'll let TCT Reader Jen set the scene for y'all:

I caught the 5.20 train home. It was so empty everyone got their own quad.

I got off the train and lollygagged across the parking lot. As I was nearing my vehicle, I was mentally lamenting the number of donkeys that are still parking in the No Parking locations of the north lot in Ajax - even after the overflow lot was opened. Laziness, I tell you.

One of these donkeys was parked close to my vehicle and as I was passing by I noticed that the sun was reflecting oddly off the window. I stopped and turned and then ended up doing a double take.

The reason was this: Someone had taken a sharpie to the driver's side window writing how badly this person had parked and that the plate number had been forwarded to the proper authorities. That is paraphrasing of course, the hand writing was a little hard to decipher (CJ says: Probably because the person writing it had a hand shaking with rage).

I just wish I knew who the Ajax Avenger (as I have taken to calling this person) is. I would love to contribute to their sharpie fund.

I did manage to get a photo of the window. It was taken with my phone and with the light, its a little hard to read.

I'm baaaccckkkk!

Hard to miss me when I post-dated my blog throughout my vacation and also managed to get a signal on my Blackberry at one point to create a new poll, right?

Ahh ... Monday. Friggen heat, I hate you.

I also took into consideration the suggestions for a new banner and will putting the design in place this week. I appreciate the feedback. It helps. No really, it does.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The shittiest GO train flashmob ever? Or I'm just cranky...

Hey, I'm all for a random sing-a-long but if you're going to burst out into song on a Saturday night GO train ride, at least try to sing in key. Ouch.

And get your damn feet off the seats! Now get off my lawn.

(Thanks to Virgin Radio (Kid Craig) for the link)

Friday, July 8, 2011

Dammit all to hell! We have to start the poll over guys. I missed a few key industries

A whole boat load of other jobs have been added to the poll. Top right. Pick one.

This list now spans almost the entire blog interface.

Boy, some of you were sure angry I forgot that the world would stop spinning if there were no accountants, doctors, programmers (pick computing for the love of Baby Jesus!) blah, blah, blah. All I wanted here was a snapshot but hey, the fans ... without you, there wouldn't be this crazy train, never mind a world. So I'll bend over and take it ... sometimes.

I hope you appreciate I started it over. Do you know how hard it is to do this from a BlackBerry? Of course, this gives me a good argument to convince my husband that I really do need a Playbook. Enough with this whole "but the site doesn't make us any money!" crap. Buy me a damn PlayBook, you fool. Don't you see the gold in them hills?

Sadly, Google doesn't let you edit polls after you've opened them (stoopid Google). So if you did "vote" for your job, I kindly ask that you vote again. Please?

If I left your job off the list, you can write me ( to tell me what you do or leave a comment.

Should I say something?

from susan b.
27 JUN 11

This morning I watched a man that I have sat next to a few times, but who I see everyday, who I know is married because his wife has accompanied him sometimes when she has a meeting in Toronto, kiss a woman goodbye in a car that wasn't like a kiss you would give your daughter. He got on my coach and sat near me. Then he made a call on his mobile to his wife to tell her that "David dropped him off at the station ok and that he thinks he may have to stay over at David's again to continue with the prototype until pretty late so he'll crash there again".
This man has young children. What should I do? Should I say something?

to susan b.
re: bastard
27 JUN 11

I have changed names, descriptions and the context of the phone call to protect the wife in the crazy event she actually reads this website. I think your role in this is to keep your mouth shut. If he's truly cheating, she will eventually find out on her own. I have no idea what you could even say to the guy if I had the background or degree necessary to coach you. For all you know, that could have been David's wife dropping him off and they kiss on the mouth sometimes. I know that's a stretch but are you going to follow the guy home, wait til he leaves again and leave a note in the mailbox for the wife to read? I'm posting this to the blog because I know transit affairs do go on because there are pages of Shououts devoted to them. I can only go from my own marriage. If my husband were cheating, the only person I would want to tell me is him.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Get ye my welding mask!

Thirty-five percent of you who bothered to move your mouse up a bit take the LSE

I had to recreate the poll as I missed some key jobs. Thanks for the feedback my friends! Please make your selection again.


I run polls on this site. I run polls because I'm nosy as all hell and want to know more about my demographic than what Google Analytics and SiteMeter tells me. I do know that 40% of y'all work for law firms. I can see how the traffic routes in. Don't worry, I won't be calling up your HR department any time soon, so you can close down and quit hyperventilating.

The results of the last poll, titled, "Which corridor gets your crazy ass to work?" garnered the following:

Lakeshore East

75 (35%)

Lakeshore West

42 (20%)


17 (8%)


23 (10%)


27 (12%)

Richmond Hill

7 (3%)


9 (4%)

None. GO Bus!

4 (1%)

Other transit

6 (2%)

Votes so far: 210

I have a new one, based on a reader suggestion. I want to know what industry you work in. I might want to renew my mortgage, buy more life insurance, write a will or get some advertising drawn up.

To partake in the new poll, which Google stoopidly calls "voting", just scroll up. Top right. I appreciate the added effort.

She's got Crazy Eyes, she blocks the space between you and I

Dudes, I don't profess to be a songwriter. I'm no Wierd Al but I do feel that Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen needs to be parodied to address the look people give those of us when we say "Excuse Me" on the platform, "Excuse Me" when boarding so the door blockers (aka door donkeys) move, "Excuse Me" when on the train so the bag riders and the foot riders move their shit and their body parts so we can sit, and "Excuse Me" when we try to tap our Presto Cards or punch our 10-rides to the people who think the machines are their personal coat racks/bookcases.

The people who block the machines remind me of cats. If you own a cat, you'll know what I mean. My cat Georgie, who is the fattest cat in Canada, thinks a table leg makes him incognito. I can see you, you bastard! Now move!

I was emailed a link, where in the comment thread, a shout out to ye old (TCT for short, yes, it's the acronym for the TTC mixed-up - purely unintentional) was written. For the shout out, I thank you "hauntedsponge". The shout out was in reference to people who make riding the GO suck (Thank you, "sempire") .

Here's a picture of Crazy Eyes. Those of us who hang out on the TCT know her as a door donkey. What's a door donkey, you ask? Learn more about this TCT meme here.

Here's a helpful illustration:

It's Thursday.

I couldn't come up with anything witty, sorry.

It's that time again! I need to change the banner.

Hulk need new idea.

Got any?

Check out the gallery for inspiration.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The contents of your package must be secured tightly

As some of you know, Sunday was the Pride Parade.

A friend of mine who lives in Whitby took the train early in the morning to be early for the parade in downtown Toronto. He goes every year with his girlfriend and brother who is proudly gay.

So apparently, and I gave him hell that there was no video or photo to corroborate his story, a "flamboyant" drag queen who got on at Ajax failed to do the "tuck" properly. Do you know what I mean? So there was a lot of walking back and forth to the washroom with what looked like packing tape (it won't hold when things get sweaty, according to Simon) to fix the problem. There was a wardrobe malfunction at one point which resulted in a Full Monty. Thankfully there were no young children on the train.

Oh my goodness, two gay themed posts in a row! Surely Ken must be throwing his magnifying glass across the room in frustration!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Postcards from the Edge

Dear Crazy Train Reader,

By the time you read this, I will be on a beach on Georgian Bay soaking up the 27 plus degree weather and watching my six year old shrivel to a prune in the water. Thank you to those who wished me a nice holiday. Sadly, it's only from Tuesday to Friday. The cottage I am staying at belongs to a family member, so the opportunity to have it rent-free is limited. It's incredible I managed to snag it and over a few days where it's expected to be fantastic weather.

Last Thursday, I received an email from someone who told me that in the spirit of Pride Week, I should just come out and admit I am a lesbian. The "clues" that the person wrote that helped him "figure it out" was that I never write about a partner or husband (lies!), that I tend to focus solely on myself (true), that I seem to write more about what a woman looks like than describe the physical attributes of a male subject. I am obsessed with the Hulk (how this makes me a homosexual is anyone's guess) and I have a very "butch attitude" when it comes to confrontation.

In response, I had my husband write the reply. I told him to write whatever came to mind. Here's what he sent:

"Dear Ken L.
Believe me, there's no one who wishes more than me to have my wife come home one day with a female train friend, fetch me a beer, tie me to a chair and make me watch. You know what I mean (wink, nudge)? I've been telling her for years she should expand her horizons but she only has eyes for me, which is great because I'm told on my Facebook wall all the time what a great husband I am and how lucky CJ is to have me. I carefully reviewed your email and consulted with several Christian websites that promise to eradicate a person of their "gayness" and I am 100% certain that the only redemption that my wife needs is from people who send her emails like yours. If my wife were a lesbian she would be more than happy to share that with the world instead of burying "clues" in a transit blog secretly designed to be a scavenger hunt that would reveal her true sexuality.

Happy Pride, bro.
Mr. Crazy Train"

Monday, July 4, 2011

One hell of a service commitment!

Thanks to Thomas for the photo!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

It was a crappy Canada Day ride for some on the GO Friday night. According to several passengers who emailed and texted ye old Crazy Train, there was a whole mess of drunken debauchery on display.

Michelle wrote me to tell me that she can tolerate drunken fun but she can't tolerate foul language, especially with her 7 year old daughter in tow.

"We lost track of time and I stayed at my parents' too late with my daughter to watch fireworks, so we caught the last train to Oshawa. My daughter was cranky, tired and trying to sleep but there were plenty of obnoxious young people ruining it for those who were behaving after a night in the city to celebrate Canada Day. After confronting a group of punks over their use of the f-bomb and mf-bomb, another small group began to chant "fight! fight! fight!" I thought to myself, what is this? Grade 7? I know a little karate so I got into a defense position and was ready to do the whole Karate Kid leg sweep when this guy stood up and threw his weight around - verbally of course, telling the misbehaving jerks to be respectful of others. He looked like the kind of guy who can make grapefruit juice just by looking at the grapefruit. Thankfully, the kids I chose to confront got off at Ajax. Of course, there were some menacing glares and rude hand gestures but I refuse to subject my child to this shameful display of vulgarity. Love your site. Keep up the good work, girl!"

Sunday, July 3, 2011

New poll question needed!

What's the one burning question you'd like answered by fellow riders?

Please, no sex on the train themes. It's so over-done.