Voodoo curses and clackety keyboards

This guy is banging out quite the novel on what is the clackiest of laptops. In the #QuietZone #GOtrain #DeathStare pic.twitter.com/JktdipPRta

— CJ Smith (@ThisCrazyTrain) December 16, 2015

I'm in the #QuietZone of this #gotrain and am surrounded by Mr. Clackety Clack keyboard & a lady on her phone talking about voodoo curses

— CJ Smith (@ThisCrazyTrain) December 16, 2015

Let's focus on #voodoocurse lady here. Apparently she works in a bank & some guy came in angry about a mortgage refusal ... #gochro

— CJ Smith (@ThisCrazyTrain) December 16, 2015

... demands to speak to manager so #voodoocurse lady comes forward. Guy says he's gonna sue RBC and she looks at letter ... #gochro

— CJ Smith (@ThisCrazyTrain) December 16, 2015

... something something co-signer needed. Guy goes off on #voodoocurse lady saying his Haitian blood lines will be made known... #gochro

— CJ Smith (@ThisCrazyTrain) December 16, 2015

... She's telling us all (and the person on the phone with her) that he started a #voodoocurse on her & said she'd need snake oil... #gochro

— CJ Smith (@ThisCrazyTrain) December 16, 2015

... #voodoocurse lady is asking friend on phone to google Haitian voodoo & snake oil. Asks how legit her friend thinks this is... #gochro

— CJ Smith (@ThisCrazyTrain) December 16, 2015

#voodoocurse lady is exiting at Ajax. We're not going to find out what happened to the Haitian RBC customer who was denied a mortgage!!!

— CJ Smith (@ThisCrazyTrain) December 16, 2015

@FayMaclachlan @GOChronicles This is the part I don't get. The lack of confidentiality. It's public space. You're no longer at work!

— CJ Smith (@ThisCrazyTrain) December 17, 2015

GO Transit updated their Quiet Zone FAQs and there's some serious LAWL going on

Will Transit Safety Officers’ check tickets in the Quiet Zone?

Yes. Transit Safety Officers’ responsibilities will not change in that regard.

REALLY?! People have asked this?

What should passengers in the Quiet Zone do if they need to make an important phone call?

Short and quiet conversations are fine within the Quiet Zone; however, the train’s lower level is available for longer conversations and important phone calls.

We ask our passengers to consider their fellow riders while in the Quiet Zone.

It's good I don't work for GO because my answer would read: take your phone, find a lighter, now set it on fire.

What if there are no seats available on the lower level, but I don’t want to be quiet?

Passengers in the Quiet Zone are encouraged to abide by the Quiet Zone guidelines.

For example:

Make sure you take a knife and dig out the clotted blood and other things you shouldn't talk about on a train, especially in the Quiet Zone

Friday night, as the 4:53 pm train rolled out of Union, this woman who had rushed upstairs within minutes of departure was still settling in her seat, rummaging around in her half a dozen bags, undressing herself, and blowing air out of her mouth. Tough day, I thought. We've all been there honey.

Suddenly, she pulls out her iPhone from her beneath her blouse, pushes her glasses down to the end of her nose, holds her iPhone at arms length away from her, and dramatically dials a number. Around her, people begin to squirm.

Remember that one high school teacher we all had with the incredible booming voice? The one that could be heard across a busy parking lot, with a streetcar rumbling by, and some guys in a 5.0 blasting some Stevie B., as she hollered at you and your friends to get your butts back into class?

She was on my train.

"Hello? Honey?" She boomed into her phone.

(pause)

"Yes. Yes!!! I'm on the 4:53. That's right! What's that?"

(pause)

"Yes, that's right!" She nods emphatically.

(pause)

"Okay. Splendid! Oh, honey? Make sure you take a knife and dig out the clotted blood, okay?"

(pause)

"No, use the knife my mother left us. The one with the white handle."

(pause)

"Make sure to dig it all out and leave it all in the sink, okay?"

(pause)

"You know I don't like that," she says sternly.

"And oh... make sure it puts the lotion on the skin."

(She didn't really say that last sentence, but she might as well have.)

"Okay... Yes ... I love you, too. See you soon!"

She hangs up.

The reactions from people around her and myself were hysterical. One lady looked like she wanted to blow chunks. The over-enunciated phone call could be heard three coaches over. I think even the CSA heard about the carnage that was about to go down in this lady's home.

I whispered to the man beside me, who looked far from amused.

"I hope to God she's talking about chicken."

Here are some other things you shouldn't talk about on a train:

1. Your plans to give up your unborn child to Children's Aid if it's born with "anything wrong with it".
2. The bottle of wine you stole from your boss' cabinet.
3. Your daughter's first period and how "she put the pad on sticky side up".
4. Jews and their "thousands of holidays off work when they're probably out golfing".
5. Leaving your baby alone for a few hours so you can get some grocery shopping done.
6. The affair you had but you won't leave your husband because at least your kids "will have a dad in the house".
7. Any test result from your doctor.
8. Describing your son's recent circumcision.
9. Bragging about how you never buy a ticket for the train.
10. The result of your latest pregnancy test and when you and your husband will "do it" again.

Items in bold are conversations I have personally overheard over the years. The others are conversations others have relayed to me via Twitter or text message that they've been witnessed to.

Some people need to play with matches

from:		PC
to:		cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date:		Mon, Apr 6, 2015 at 2:07 PM
subject:		Quiet Zone fun

Hi CJ

Last Thursday, the "fake" Friday leading into the long weekend, I was on the 4:53 Lakeshore East and sitting in the Quiet Zone. I don't care if people talk while we are still at Union but once we roll away, it's time to ssshhhhhhhhh!

I was sitting behind the quad nearest to the stairs. The one right under the HUGE Quiet Zone sign. There were four people in that quad and all four were talking so loudly that someone from the bi-level section actually came up the stairs and shushed them!

I couldn't work up the nerve myself and all around me, people kept turning and staring at these losers who just didn't get the hint.

After the man from the lower level asked them to keep it down, it got really ugly as these four people decided to be more obnoxious and started laughing louder with all kinds of grandstanding.

It was incredibly pathetic and rage-inducing.

So I asked myself, what would CJ do? 

I didn't have a chainsaw handy, and I can't throw a punch because I'm broke. So I decided to stand up and move into the little space that enters into their quad and I just stood there, staring out the window. They shut up for a bit while they tried to figure out what I was doing. What I was doing was interfering with their comfort of riding the train by invading their space because their loud, obnoxious behaviour was interfering with my comfort and enjoyment. I didn't budge. I didn't make eye contact. I just held onto the pole and stood there. My knees were almost touching the knees of the guy who was the biggest jerk of the four. Finally, after what felt like hours, but was really only a few minutes, the jerk asks me if I wouldn't mind going back to my seat. I ignored him. His friends laughed awkwardly. 

I was working up the nerve to actually sit on his lap when this woman got up and she stood right next to me and asked me how I was. We began to have a quiet conversation about the quiet zone and how it works, and how people are total assholes. I am really grateful to that woman. She enhanced my superpowers tenfold. 

The loudest asshole to ever ride a train got up and excused himself and went downstairs. His friend eventually followed him. I wouldn't move for either of them, so they had to force their way around me. I wanted to kick both of them in the arse as they went down the stairs. Then the lady and I sat down in the two seats that were now vacant. The other two noisy jerks ignored us, but at least they were quiet. I put my music back on and the lady stared out the window. 

I was really proud of the two of us. My new best friend left at Ajax and wished me a Happy Easter. I then left the quad to return to where I was sitting originally. And then I threw up... nah, I'm just kidding but I really did feel like it. 

Did I do good?!!!

Quiet Zone confrontations

Have any of you had a situation where you did talk in the Quiet Zone where you addressed something quickly with another passenger and been told off for it?

Friday night, the woman I was was with, asked me what coach we were in and how far she would have to walk to get to the front. I quickly explained to her how to do it and to be aware of the crowds she'd have to fight.

I hadn't even finished my sentence (while speaking in a normal voice) when the woman behind us spoke loudly through the crack in the seat and said, "Please go downstairs and finish your conversation." I was taken aback. So was the woman with me. We both stared at each other dumbfounded for the rest of the ride.

At Whitby, when this woman got up to line up on the stairs, I'll be honest -- I wanted to say something to her. But I didn't.

Nobody rules the Quiet Zone and also, if you feel that fucking strongly about anyone saying one word within earshot of you, I suggest you visit a shelter and hug a puppy until you feel better.