Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Not if the smokes kill you first

I have this umbrella with a long metal point. One could call it a weapon. I call it an umbrella.

When I got off the train tonight, I pointed the umbrella inward towards me and then up so I could open it, but was bumped forward by a woman who decided she was practicing for the time she has to jump out of a burning building because she launched herself off the train and into me. This resulted in me catching the arm of a man, puffing away on a cigarette I might add - right under the sign that clearly read NO SMOKING - with the point of said umbrella.

"Hey!" He yelled. "You could really hurt someone with that! That's a weapon!" I quickly replied, "Says the smoker on a platform where smoking is not allowed."**

Eff you, buddy. Seriously. Really? He's the one sucking on a stick proven to cause all kinds of cancer and he's worried about being poked by an umbrella?
**Smoke all you want. Just obey the laws of the land is all I ask. It's not fair to the smokers who follow the law when a-holes like the dude from tonight think the law doesn't apply to people like him.

All aboard the 5:53

This dude (Burly I think is his name) speaks slower than Tom. I have no idea why his annunciation skills are so precisely monotone and drawn out but dude needs some coffee.

During the ride this evening I was subjected to someone standing near me who repeatedly slammed her bag into my head until finally I stood up and asked her if she would like to sit. Of course, she said no thank you, so I told her that her bag was was giving me a concussion and she put it on the floor. What in the hell do some of you women carry in your purses? Do you pay for everything with gold bullion?

The guy sitting next to me is asleep and is breathing like Darth Vader. Earlier this dude was picking dead skin off his forehead and forearm. Why can't people groom at home?

Wet spot

Submitted by text message to 9054420352

One of the rudest things I've ever witnessed happened this morning when this woman got on the train at Georgetown and put her sopping wet umbrella on the seat beside her while she adjusted her coat and bags.
The seat was fabric and you could see how saturated it was getting. Then she picked up her umbrella, actually popped it open and closed it to smooth it out. When she popped it open, water splattered across the aisle and onto a few other seats.
This woman didn't have the courtesy to tell anyone who got on after her that the seat was wet and this man sat down and immediately jumped back up. This cow just sat there eating her muffin. Finally I spoke up and told him that a wet umbrella had been left there.
He made a look and said, "Well that was rude," and he went to sit somewhere else. I also got up and changed seats and as I left I looked over my shoulder and told this woman she better tell people, or at the very least lay down some newspaper. Honestly, how inconsiderate. - Helen

Monday, November 29, 2010

Burning questions

I keep a traffic log through an analytics utility known as SiteMeter that allows me to see what Google searches direct people to this website.

It appears there's a huge concern about the cleanliness of the bathrooms on GO trains.

Here are the most popular search queries (from least to most popular) since March 1, 2010:

10. bathrooms on go transit clean
9. how fast is GO train
8. GO 24 hours
7. Go sucks
6. how to complain about GO service
5. corridor club for real
4. GO train Barrie on weekends
3. can I sleep on GO train
2. slippery leaves GO transit
1. sex in washrooms GO train

The number 1. search query, regarding sex in washrooms on GO trains, really sets the benchmark for these people when it comes to romance.

Number 10. is most likely related to Number 1. It all makes sense now.

Research. I has it.

Guess who's baaaaack!!?


Seeing as I gain 6-9 new readers a week... Shocking right? No, really. That's about average... I'll have to reintroduce Anna to the new readers - all 18 of you since I last wrote about her. You can start here. Come back when you're done.

Anna sent me an email today. Allow me to share it with you.

From: Anna K.

Date: Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 10:18 AM
Subject: got my scarf back

Hello cj. I know you found me to be a pain and possibly quite vapid but I had my scarf finally returned to me. I was so attached to it because it was the first thing I bought myself when I got my job this year after nearly a year of being out of work. I bought it as a treat. I'm truly sorry I told you I wished you dead but I was frustrated and pissed off I left it on the train. I finally saw how you played out my saga and I laughed my ass off! I do sound like I'm missing a few screws but really I'm not! I appreciate all the help you did do by telling people about my scarf and that shoutout about it being found in a white bag wasn't mine. But I did go to RBC to look at it. It definitely wasn't a Michael Kors. I gave it some thought about what you said about donating it to someone more needy than me. At the time I lost my job I really thought I'd hit rock bottom but I still had my home and I still had money in the bank and a husband to support me. When I got my scarf back, I gave it to a homeless woman I see often lying on a grate at Bay and Adelaide. She can use it more than I can.


If I we get sick, we're coming after you

Train buddy Jill and I were subjected to a germ circus on the ride home tonight. There is nothing worse than people so engrossed with texting that they just openly hack and cough with no attempt to cover their mouths. We were in a quad. Quads have no barriers between you and the person in front of you. I stopped short of wrapping my scarf around my mouth and nose. Actually, I should have done that. It might have made a statement.


Before I lovingly pen this post, I must point out that I myself, am a lovely round woman of girth. However, I don't feel my roundness bestows upon me a handicap, rendering me disabled and gives me the right to plant my butt across two seats on a crowded train and then cry foul when a slender gentleman wedges himself next to me.

But that's what happened two weeks ago on the Barrie line, according to the Lady in Pink.

A woman, a rather large woman, with a cane (this may be a crucial component to the story), sat herself down in the two-seater that faces another two-seater, near each door. The Barrie trains fill up quite quickly and for those who ride it all the way to Barrie, it's a long train ride. Apparently a weary fellow spotted this woman in the two-seater and asked politely if he could sit. She told him, "It's too tight." He says he disagrees and goes to sit down. Before his butt even graces the seat she gathers all her stuff up in a huff declaring, "This is ridiculous, I'm going to tell the conductor".

Lady in Pink is certain this woman did not pay for two seats. About five to six minutes go by and a GO constable comes 'round and tells the man he has to vacate the train, that he violated GO's policy about priority seating. He was then escorted off the train. The woman then reclaims the two-seater as her own and the man has to wait for the next train to Barrie.


Will we find out if she leaves him? Or does he leave his wife?

I doubt the author of the love letter I found will respond.

Is there any merit to me turning this letter into lost and found?

Would you want something like this letter back if you lost it?

My rotten heart and lack of soul

It appears my 'editorial' decision to scan and post two pages of a love letter I found at Union Station struck a nerve with some people. Many people who only wanted to help the author as she works through her affair with a married man wrote comments with loads of advice, almost all calling for her to end the affair.

Great pains were taken by me to black out names and other identifying comments but apparently this wasn't enough for some people who blasted me in text messages and in email for invading this woman (and man's) privacy.

Whoah ... hold on there Nellies ... this letter was found on the floor of a public place where it could be picked up by anyone and read by anyone. It just so happened it was picked up by me.

One person texted that it was my duty to destroy the letter, not destroy the life of the person who wrote it by posting it online. (Keeping in mind none of us know who the author is ... ) I don't know how it's possible to destroy the life of someone whose name appears nowhere on the letter.

One lady wrote in an email that the handwriting could easily give away the person to a co-worker. Now that's a bit of a stretch since I don't know of many people working in offices who hand write notes to each other on a daily basis. In fact, if I saw a note written by my boss on a desk in some other office, I'd have a hard time knowing that was her handwriting. Even if a co-worker did recognize the handwriting, how in the hell do you bring that up in conversation? Do you print out the letter and hand it to the person you think it belongs to in the lunch room? Then what? What would that achieve?

Another person sent me an email writing it was cruel and unfair of me to poke fun of someone who is obviously tortured. The problem is most of you who disagree with the posting of the letter are taking this way too personally. No one knows who this woman is. How do we even know it's a woman? She may have already delivered it to her lover, who in turn was the one who lost it.

In my opinion, seeing as the author remains anonymous, posting the letter is no different than reading an advice column in a newspaper where people anonymously submit personal problems and air their dirty laundry for the whole world to read.

It'd be a whole different ballgame if I had this person's name and published it. But rest assured, I have a heart ... and a soul, and I would never do that. I know there are people who disagree but to be fair, I've left it up for you, the riders/readers to decide. You'll notice a poll in the top right corner of the site. Have your say.

There better be a million bucks in the trunk

Guy gets on at Ajax.
Strange sounds emit from his jacket pocket.
A few seconds pass before he clues in the sound belongs to him.
He pulls out a key ring and announces to us around him his car alarm has gone off.
This guy is panicked.
His hands actually start to shake as he calls his wife, who is still asleep and asks her if she wouldn't mind driving to the Ajax GO lot to make sure his car is okay.
He even provided explicit directions to where his car is parked.
I think she hung up on him because he got off at Pickering.

Why was he so freaked out?

I keep nothing of value in my car. People are welcome to my extra bottle of oil, my roadside emergency kit (there's some granola bars in it and a bottle of Gatorade - grape flavour!). I've got half a container of windshield washer fluid. Of course, I'd be pissed if someone took my Oskar folding windshield snow-cleaning brush. In fact, I love that brush so much, I'd probably get off the train too, hail a cab, and book my way back to Oshawa.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Well look at what the train dragged in

I don't own or carry a purse. I carry a courier bag that I use to strap my arms to my body when I sit so I can keep my girth to myself. But I have a question for the women who put their purses on the floor of trains instead of on laps... Do you put those same bags on your kitchen table and counters?
Have you ever thought about what came home with you? Yeah... no. Not good thoughts.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Is it *hard* to change your ring tone?

Why is it that people with the most obnoxious mobile ring tones panic when their phones ring and they scramble to answer? Never mind the fact that these same people set their ringer volume at a decibel that can be heard from space. If you're that embarrassed, pick a ring tone that actually rings!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Well at least he wasn't driving

Av, a faithful reader of this website, relayed a story to me today about her unusual ride home last night on the 9:13pm LSE.

She usually rides in the accessibility coach so should she encounter any "crazy", she's got the CSA there to handle any shenanigans. But last night, while rushing to catch the train, she decided any coach will do and hopped on.

At about 30 minutes into the ride, Av and another lady sitting near her were startled by a loud thumping noise. A few seconds pass and they hear another loud thump followed by what sounded like someone having thrown a suitcase onto the floor. Then a man, a construction-worker type dude, suddenly appeared face up on the floor, arms above his head. He was previously sitting comfortably beside the stairs.

After Av and the the other lady have their "home alone, silent scream moment," Av approaches him and shakes/pokes him, trying to rouse him but he remains unresponsive. Av tells the other woman she'll go alert the Customer Service Ambassador (CSA). So she hoofs down to the accessibility coach, tells the CSA and the train is held at Pickering while the CSA follows Av back to the coach to investigate.

Encountering the man, the CSA is eventually able to rouse him and asks him if he's ok.(Cut to Av who stands back due to her fear of projectile vomit and the likelihood that she'll deliver a punch to the guy's cake hole should that occur, to which a bottle of Purell would be needed.)

In the meantime, the CSA is able to get a response which took the form of the man smiling and tucking his hands behind his head and getting comfy, like he's lying all snugly in his own bed.

The CSA gets him to sit up and then stand up. By now, the other lady confirms that the man had not only slumped forward and hit his head on the wall, but that she had smelled alcohol on his breath.

It's obvious he's completely wasted. It's also revealed that the man meant to get off at Rouge Hill. The CSA escorts him off the train and tells him to take the next westbound train back. Av and the lady return to their seats and crack jokes about their weird experience.

Now what I love about Av is she did the one thing I ask all you turnips to do, she immediately took a photo because she knew no one would probably believe her without photographic evidence. She snapped the picture just before she headed off to fetch the CSA. Every story is made better with pictures! How can you not take a photo of such drunken craziness?

How could I not photoshop this either?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Just because the seats are vinyl doesn't mean they're your personal floor mat

Submitted by picture message to 9054420352 from Diana D.

Diana wrote, "These were rubber boots, complete with caked-on mud. I find this whole practice disgusting and wonder how these people would react if I came to their homes and walked all over their beds with my boots on."

Well, this is a first

I'm on the 8:13pm and the woman sitting across from me is reading this site on her iPhone. She put her phone down at one point, allowing me a glimpse of my green pac man-esque logo. She's been giggling madly and I suspect it's the dead people story that's killing her.

I see dead people

Sent via text message to 9054420352

I've nicknamed the sender DP. My replies are in green.

DP: this the crazy train website?

are you looking for the person who writes it?

DP: yes, is that you?


DP: has anyone told u how the georgetown line is haunted?


DP: well it is

ok, you don't have to get defensive... how is it haunted? is it a "Ghosts on the Train" type of situation?

DP: there's a ghost of a small child that walks the track near the mount pleasant. i 've seen this figure myself

really? is mount pleasant a station on the georgetown line?

DP: yes... apparently it's the spirit of a boy who was hit by a train

how and when do you see it?

DP: i live in an old farmhouse in brampton on pleasant road. at night mostly.

ok, i don't really know the area

DP: i live right behind the station

do you take the train yourself?

DP: no, someone told me about you

who ?

DP: a co-worker who takes the train but she takes a different train

cool, so she recommended the site ?

DP: yes and i immediately wanted to tell u about the ghost

when you say immediately, did she tell you about the site and you immediately pulled out your phone to text me?

DP: um no it took a couple of days

i'd think it be more interesting if the ghost actually rode the train

DP: maybe it does

it probably leaves a hook on the door, too!

DP: um, probably ... i don't think so ...

you don't know that urban legend?

DP: not really. can we talk about my ghost?

i think it's a bad idea to make a haunting personal, you've seen poltergeist right? portal to hell and all that ...

DP: i don't think this is that kind of ghost

well what kind of ghost do you think it is? do you think it's a residual haunt?

DP: a what?

a residual haunt. i watch a lot of ghost hunters on OLN. when you see this ghost, does it do the same thing all the time?

DP: so you're saying you believe me?

i won't believe anything yet until i do my own investigation first

DP: so you want to come to my house!?

yes! absolutely.

no, just tell me what the ghost does when you see it

DP: i just see it walk along the tracks and then it disappears

so it doesn't look at you or do something different one day and then something else the other?

DP: not really

then it's a residual haunt. meaning the spirit is just playing back an event.

DP: you mean like being hit by a train?


DP: so there should be a ghost train?

(Long pause by me as I try to make sense of this question.)

i dunno, wait, let me ask velma, she knows everything

DP: whose velma?

she works with me here at mystery incorporated

DP: sorry, you lost me

fred, daphne, velma, shaggy we all work together especially when investigating a mystery

DP: are you talking about scooby doo?

how do you know my dog?

DP: it's a tv show

what is?

DP: scooby

no, scooby is my dog

DP: ok, scooby is your dog

(Another loooooooooooooooong pause. I actually thought I lost the person.)

DP: So are you telling me you're going to come here with the gang in the Mystery Machine?

Did you google that?

DP: No.

Dude, you didn't write for nearly 20 minutes ...

DP: so are you going to write about the georgetown ghost


DP: cool!

but only if you get me some footage of the georgetown ghost

DP: you mean like a photo?

no, i want you to draw me a picture

DP: ok. i can do that

(Obviously sarcasm is lost on some people.)

awesome then. email it to

Below is the drawing DP aka Mike sent over.

Be sure to make note of what he says about the boy and the time of day. Gold stars.

(Click the picture to enlarge the map in a new browser window).

This message will self-destruct

Submitted by Anonymous to

This past Sunday my wife and I were returning back to Ajax from a show in Toronto. The early evening train had a few cars that were relatively empty including the one we were in. Several rows over sat a young couple fooling around. At one point, this couple got up and left. I could see them, from where I was sitting, both enter the washroom. This would be one of the larger lavatories, with the sliding door. I can't recall what station we had passed when they both entered the washroom but shortly after we left Pickering did both of them come out of the lavatory. The boy came out first, followed by the girl. I'm not good at ages, but I would guess they were both late teens, 19 or 20. I thought it odd that the girl proceeded to leave the car, moving towards the next one while the boy sat down not far from us, put in some earphones and closed his eyes. This left my wife and I somewhat baffled.

We both got off at Ajax, along with the girl who was several yards ahead of us on the platform. My wife saw her shove something blue into the trash can. As we got closer, my wife stopped and pointed. The blue item the girl discarded was a pair of female underwear, specifically a blue thong, my wife said. She was sure of it. We're not sure what we witnessed but we don't understand the ditching of clothing? Was it to discard evidence of an unfaithful tryst or to escape the watchful eye of a mother who handles the laundry?

We both are weekday commuters of GO transit and we've heard the rumors of people having sex on the trains. We didn't find what we saw titillating. In fact, we were both grossed out.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Ballad of the foot rider


8:13pm LSE train from Union.

I sat down in a quad, by myself, and was soon joined by a woman, who, just past Danforth, slipped out of her loafers and laid her stocking feet on the seat next to me. Lord have mercy. Do I have to describe the stench? It was somewhere between stale Doritos and the smell of the water after you've boiled corn.

So I got up and moved. I also took a photo which I lovingly share with you below.

Settled into another quad, I was now seated across from a bag rider/foot rider combo who had her running shoes up on the seat in front of her.

I didn't even try to hide that I was taking pictures of these women.

The running shoe beast was busy texting and listening to her iPod. At one point, when she began to push her feet onto the foot cushion, grinding her filth into the fabric, she caught my eye and I nodded, to say I wanted to talk to her. She pulled out her earplugs and I asked if her running shoes were new, to which she replied, "No, do you like them?" I said, "No, not really, but they shouldn't be on the seat".

She got up in a huff, all pissed that I said something and lumbered her way upstairs.

Mission accomplished.

Friday, November 19, 2010

I judge you when you use poor grammar

Most of my posts are typed out on the crappiest webphone ever made and seeing as I can't spellcheck in the mobile Blogger interface, I think my accuracy is pretty good. When I'm in front of a PC, I'll go and correct posts after I read them again.

Don't ever be afraid to point out errors or grammatical mistakes to me. Don't hold back. I don't like what ifs. What will you be for Halloween this year? I don't know what to go as.

Got it?

I think only the people who read everyday at The Toronto Star (I see it in the traffic logs, but of course, it could be people in the IT Department) will laugh at this post. Those who write for a living, I had you all in mind when I spewed out that nonsense.

Speaking of poor grammar, see the Facebook group of the same name with a photo gallery of poor grammar mistakes.

Excess baggage

Obviously these two didn't get the memo.

What memo you ask?

GO specifically asks in its tariff that customers not bog down its trains with excessive baggage.

Look, folks, bottom line is those of us who use GO Transit everyday aren't paying $2 to ride. At almost $300 a month for a pass, those of us coming in and out of Oshawa have high expectations, and one of those is that you consider VIA for commutes into Union with luggage. VIA trains can support the baggage. GO trains cannot.

Secondly, my train buddies wrote me to tell me they were extremely accommodating to these people this morning, while others who got on at Ajax and Pickering, were not. As you can tell from the picture, things got awkward real quick.

It can be deceiving at Oshawa in the morning, but trust me, if you're looking for a trip into Union as part of your route to get to Pearson Airport, I suggest you consider avoiding rush hour.

Many thanks,
Us Crazy Turnips

I should smack that entitlement right off your face

I had the honour of riding into work on the TTC subway this morning.

At Spadina, these two elderly ladies got on the train and three young high school lads got up and offered the bench seats to them. The ladies sat and did not acknowledge the courtesy bestowed - no thank you, no nod, no smile. They just continued with their conversation.

I was sitting in an inside seat and gave it a minute or so. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. I leaned forward and said, "Don't you think you should thank those young men for their courteous act considering most people today don't think to do that?"

One of the ladies said, "No, because it's expected. That's what they're supposed to do." And then she went back to her conversation.

I wanted to kick her. But I didn't. Because I don't like jail.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Great idea, but no ...

Lionel emailed me at suggesting I set up a "meet and greet" with fans of this website.

Boy, are you crazy?!

Don't mess with my SEO


Even if you're not, I have some news. But in order to share it, you need to:

1. Open a new tab or new browser window
2. Go to
3. Type in Crazy Train

What's number four on this list?

And some of you said it couldn't be done. I guarantee you, by the time this site celebrates its one year anniversary in February, this site will be number 2, even maybe number 1.

Crazy train. I has it.

Words other than turnip

Submitted via email to

Hi CJ...

I think there should be names for people who do different things on the train...for example...the people who hover and read other people's books or newspapers...

Or for the people who get on the same train and know that people who are getting off on the next stop so they purposely stand in front of them ... I think they all need names...

I love your blog. I read it everyday! You make my life interesting.

~Lady in Pink
I totally agree that it's time to coin names for people who do crazy things, annoying things, stupid things and rude things. Give me a couple of days and I'll present a list that we can all critique together over a non-existent catered lunch complete with donuts.

It's time to retire

I'm so out of my element at the moment. I'm at my parents' house dogsitting/housesitting/babysitting catching up on emails lovingly pounded out to, and when I say pounded out, I mean email like this:




How can you not laugh at that?

What the hell does that mean? "I'm 64 years old and can't wait to retire". What does that have to do with what I do with this website? Does this mean I have driven this person to no longer have any desire to work?

I spent an hour trying to decode the secret message hidden in that email. And the obscure sign off of "God bless"? I re-arranged the letters and the only word I could come up with was "glossed". So there has to be a co-relation between sleeping with her eyes open and glossed. No?

Friggen crazy, right?

As I was looking for my parents' dog's leash earlier, I came across my mother's secret stash of Reese's Peanut Butter cups. This from a woman who likes to tell people she hates peanut butter.

When she phoned me to ask if I could come house-sit and take care of my disabled sister in their absence, my mother told me she'd leave money for food on the counter in case I need anything for the next two days until they return from Ottawa.

Did I mention my mother is Eastern European (Ukrainian)? Ah! See. Some of you know damn well there is no way I could go hungry in this house. And it made me laugh out loud when I saw the money right where she said it would be, despite my protests that it wasn't necessary.

My mother has two freezers full of food and one whole wall in the basement that is two long cupboards crammed with non-perishable foods. In fact, there could be all-out Armageddon and my father, sister and mother could eat for two years, comfortably, before starvation would kick in.

I need my mother to come live with me. It's a whole different ballgame at my house.

Where was I going with this? Nowhere. I just wanted to see if you would keep reading.

GO Transit politely tells LSE passengers to ease up on the donuts

Did this look familiar this morning?

From GO's website:

Here is the information we have to report at 9:38, November 18, 2010


  • The Oshawa 08:25 - Union 09:18 train trip arrived Union 8 minutes late due to heavy passenger volumes.

Funny how no where did GO mention why the trains were "heavy". The 7:53am train from Oshawa was cancelled but not reported in this message.

But at least everyone knows how to get to the bloody Santa Claws parade this Sunday!

Grade: D+

Someone deserves a compass for Christmas

Why in the hell did this CSA just spend 7 minutes telling us about every single train, bus and donkey leaving Aldershot for the santa clause parade this Sunday... Oh wait, someone must have told her she screwed up. Now she just spent 6 minutes telling us the same info, only for Oshawa. That's 13 minutes of announcements about something easily found on GO's website.

Grade: F

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tickets please! You be Spiderman. I'll be Batman

This is a shout out to the bad ass who I was on the 5:53pm with tonight who, after getting a tongue wagging about not signing his pass to "validate" it, he whipped out a pen and wrote Spiderman Jones.

My own pass says Batman on it, complete with a photo of a bat.

Okay... it really doesn't.

How does signing an adult monthly pass, in front of a constable checking tickets, one that requires no picture ID, become more official with a signature that means absolutely nothing to the person looking at it?

Does GO have a handwriting course they provide for their constables that gives them the ability to scan your signature with their eyeballs, cross reference it with some national federal database and determine that yep, that's your signature.

The only merit I can see to signing your pass is that should you ever lose it, and find yourself down at the desk at the Lost and Found at Union, you have something that will help you claim it. Most likely, your signature will match other signed pieces of picture ID you have, provided you haven't signed your pass Spiderman Jones.

Or Batman.
Incredibly, you can buy a Spiderman driver's licence (that's just like "THE REAL THING"!) on-line. Check it out.

Working hard for the lie

A while ago, I alerted those of you who have been faithfully following since the summer about a transit scam that usually targets GO riders.

Zainab A. wrote in tonight to alert me of a similar scam that's not too far off from the original premise. To learn about the basics of this popular scam, the background is here.

Here's how it went down for Zainab:

I have my own story to contribute, not strictly on the GO or on the TTC but it was right in front of Union station.
A few nights ago a woman came up to me and a friend. Now, I'm not one to judge based on appearance, but this lady did not look how you say - sane.
She started telling us about how someone robbed her specifically of her GO ticket and wallet (she still had her backpack), and was asking for money home.
I told her why not go to the transit police inside the station and tell them you have just been mugged.
She responded with some utterly BS excuse.
I was suspicious and turned away saying no.
Up till this point she had been speaking in a high pitched voice, when I turned away she yelled out "well aren't YOU A BITCH!" in a faintly disturbing deep and manly voice.
Many a scary dream has been experienced since that day. 0_0

But seriously, do these scammers think we're stupid? Anyone could put two and two together... if you've been mugged, you don't ask people for money, you go to the police.
Exactly. Don't part with your hard-earned money folks. The only people you should be giving any money to at Union Station are the people who have cash registers near them.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Once again CN saved the day!

No they didn't.

Those turnips couldn't save a penny from a mall water fountain and the ride home tonight proved as much.

Those of us on every GO train out of Union during the evening rush were held up outside Danforth as the engineers and conductor put each train on turtle to avoid wheel slippage on leaves that had glued themselves to the track.

When was this monsoon warning issued? Early this morning, right? And why in the hell is no one pruning the trees that create the so called "canopy of death" over the east and westbound tracks?! It's 2010. Why all of a sudden is this a problem?!

I'm all for safety but I'm also all for getting home on time, too. Believe me, the last thing out of my mouth when I'm dying on my death bed won't be "Gee, I wish I had spent more time on the GO train".

Somewhere, somehow, there's a person that GO can hold accountable. To that person I say, buy some sand and get on with it!

Does no one get a weather report over at the maintenance yards?

Write your own caption

Because this doesn't look like food to me.

Source: t.o. night newspaper, pg 2., nov 15/10

Monday, November 15, 2010

Electrifying GO could cost less than once thought

source: The Toronto Star

ON - It would mean a faster and greener ride, and electrifying GO Transit’s rail system may even cost less than previous estimates suggested.

But don’t look for GO to electrify any of its lines in time for the 2015 Pan Am Games — and that includes the run that will run from the airport to Union Station.

It’s unlikely there would be time to electrify the airport link service before it opens that spring, said Karen Pitre, project director of a $4 million GO electrification study that was slated to be complete next month.

And if the power grid knocks out, then what?

Baked a$$


If you're going to recycle your gitch a few times, at least have the courtesy not to bake your ass stank on a vinyl seat for 45 minutes and then get up where your ass bacon wafts its aroma in my face.

I know this is gross. I know this is graphic, but that's what the ass-end of another passenger smelled like as he got up to stand in the aisle as we were pulling into Oshawa tonight. His ass was right in my face as I sat in an outside seat. I actually had my mouth open, mid-sentence in conversation with my friend Jill, when the first waft hit, so I got to taste it, too.

If it wasn't what I think it was then he must have sat in dog crap at work. Or he put his bag down on a toilet. Either way, it was disgusting.

Well don't leave us hanging ... !

It's like one of those supposedly "deep" facebook status updates. Is what? Yellow?

Aww yeah ... corn. Here you go ...

Photo of the strangest vanity plate I've seen yet was shot at the Oshawa GO lot by yours truly.


This morning two blokes climbed on at Pickering and recognized another co-worker/friend/some dude already on-board.

One of the men greeted this person by exclaiming, "Well you were busy this weekend, flying down to Mexico and blowing up hotels and all."

All three laughed.

I did not. I'm pretty sure anyone sitting nearby who could possibly be related to a tourist currently in a Mexico hospital wouldn't find it funny, either.

Go ahead and crack tasteless jokes. But for God's sake, know *when* to do it.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Whatcha gonna do, brother?

Submitted via text message to 9054420352

Hey. Love the site. I'm on the 11:13pm LSE. I got stuck in the drunk tank. These 2 guys who were about 20 or so were pissed outta their heads and one had come up to me and told me, "I want to hump you". I said "What?" He grabbed his crotch, laughed and then went over to the next woman and asked her if she wanted to hump him and his friend. This woman stood straight up and pushed the guy roughly into a seat. She tells him that if he talks to another woman or continues to act like a d-bag, she'll toss him off the train at the next station. I sat there debating if I should push the yellow strip. The guy just laughs and says she probably humps dogs and sucks ---- (I know you can't publish it but you get the picture). Well, as we pulled into Rouge Hill, this woman gets all Hulk Hogan on the guy, grabs the guy like he weighs nothing, pushes him to the door and literally throws him off the train! I can't tell if he fell but his friend bolted just as the doors were closing. Then she sat down and acted like nothing happen. AMAZING. I thanked her when we I got off at Ajax and she smiled. She made me feel empowered.

Saga of the ring: the final chapter

Sheelah writes via text message to 9054420352:

Hi CJ. I have good news. Remember how i told you about my ring??? This evening while i was looking for my Shoppers Drug Mart optimum card, I noticed something very familiar at the bottom of my purse. i had been to lost and found this morning and was going to tell you your magic 8 ball was broken but then this happens. i guess when it went flying, it flew into my purse which i had on the seat beside me (DON't worry the lady who was there got off at whitby so i only bagged-ride for a little bit). Please let your readers know!

Hey Kitchener-Waterloo, you can ride crazy, too!

Kitchener-Waterloo GO service set for next year
Published in the Toronto Star

ON - GO Transit plans to run trains to Kitchener-Waterloo by the end of next year.

The new $18 million service is expected to attract about 2,300 riders initially and between 9,000 and 16,000 by 2031.

GO expects to run two trains each in the morning and afternoon rush on the CN track west of Georgetown, with one stop each in Kitchener, Guelph and Acton to begin.

But there are plans to eventually add one additional station in Kitchener and Guelph.


This is awesome for you jokers in the west but I'm still waiting for my train to Clarington. As far as I'm concerned, that should be the NUMBER ONE priority.

Has Anna's luck turned for the better?

From the T.O.Night Newspaper Shout Outs published November 11, 2010.

Wait ... What?!

You don't know who Anna is?!

You can read about her scarf drama here (Part 1) and here (Part 2).

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Do you sex crazed GO commuters google this because you're hoping for pictures?

Click to enlarge:
And the answer is no, I am NOT photoshopping anything for this.

Sleepin' Hardcore

Submitted via picture message to 9054420352 from Anonymous

Anonymous writes, "People who sleep like this amaze me because they make it look like a sport. It also doesn't look very comfortable."

And the guns would be silenced ...

... on Remembrance Day.

Please take a moment today to visit "Canada Remembers ..." hosted by Veteran Affairs Canada and remember all our men and women who fought, still fight, and have died.

Well at least Elmo got a seat

Snapped on the 6:43 LSE Wednesday night by Joyce W. who wrote when she asked these ladies to move their bags so other people could sit, they completely ignored her. Submitted by email to

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Burning question ... from somone in ... Washington???

Captured from the traffic logs:

Click to enlarge in a new window.

Bad omen appears in the right-hand navigation menu

Such a sign can never be good.
More about the number of the beast.

Request: Magic 8-ball advice sought for reader who lost family ring

Sent via text message to 9054420352

Dear CJ: First and foremost, I love your website!!! I read your post where you offered up your magic 8-ball for advice. On Monday night as my train was pulling into Oshawa from Union, I lost my ring which has the birthstones of my two children set on it. It went flying and with the CSA screaming the train was out of service and the doors were closing, I only had a few minutes to try to find it. So my questions is: Did someone find my ring and will it be at lost and found when I go there on Friday morning? Thanks!!! --- Sheelah K.

And the magic 8-ball said ...


Milton woes ...

Adapted from the Toronto Star

GO train service on the Milton line was delayed this morning after a pedestrian was struck and killed.

The victim was struck at approximately 7:50 a.m. just west of the Cooksville station.

According to GO Transit, trains on the line faced delays of up to 45 minutes. The 7:53 a.m. and 8:08 a.m. trains were cancelled.

Nasty, nasty nose rag

I missed the 7:53 LSE this morning. This is the first time in almost three years of commuting that I've missed a train due to my own comedy of errors.

I was already running late because my kid decided to have an epic meltdown this morning over what I put into her lunch bag which resulted in a new sandwich being made.

Then I had a wardrobe malfunction on the way to the station which resulted in pulling over and assessing the situation, which then necessitated a trip to Shoppers Drug Mart, which in turn left me circling the GO lot a few times to find a place to park.

It's nice to see people ditching the highway to take the train but it also means Oshawa is running out of room. I was tempted to a pull a "park how I want to", believe me.

On the 8:25, a man got on at Rouge Hill and sat in the last available seat across from me. Dude had a cold. Dude was using (what looked like it was white once) a washcloth as his nose rag. At one point, he dropped his nose rag on my shoe and didn't realize he'd dropped it.

I froze in horror as he just sat there, snoozing.

Before I could say anything to him, the lady next to me bent down and retrieved it for him using her bare hand. He took it from her, thanked her, and wiped his nose before putting it back into his coat pocket.

I don't think the woman realized what it was until after he wiped his nose. I was absolutely repulsed. When this guy closed his eyes again, I pulled out my travel-sized bottle of Purell and motioned to her if she wanted to use it. This was met with an enthusiastic nod.

This woman slathered Purell all over her hands. Who could blame her? I would have bathed in it myself. Tonight when I get home, I'm boiling my shoe.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Even Batman sleeps on the train

Tyrus Balk photo - Original

I asked, you answered. What irritates you most about the people you ride with?

Back on October 21st, I asked you to write in about what drove you batsh*t crazy about other commuters.

Hands down, the best contribution came in from a guy named Fred who wrote out a nice Top 10 list which I will share with you below:

1. People who can't get to the train on time, GO is not obligated to wait for you. Good bye.

2. People who talk louder than needed on mobile phones. Use your indoor voice. Plus, no one cares about your life so keep it short. Porkchops for dinner? F---ing A. End of call.

3. If you snore, you are not allowed to sleep. Period. If you're not sure, go home tonight and ask your family. If they say yes, invest in Red Bull for the ride going forward. If you don't have any family, set up a video camera and tape yourself sleeping. Review the footage. If you snore, see Red Bull comment above.

4. That seat across from you and beside you is exactly that, a seat. It is not your personal footstool, couch, chair, bed, etc. Don't try to skirt the issue by removing your shoes. Unless I've been in your home to inspect how clean your floors are, I will assume your feet are carrying bacteria that I do not wish to touch or have transferred onto my body. So keep your feet on the floor. Always.

5. Yes, it's absolutely tragic when the train is full and you have to stand. Why the Red Cross has not gotten involved yet in this crisis beseeches me too, but if you are left to stand, please move your ass to the centre of the train. Those holes in the back of the seats are designed for your hands to grip onto. This marvelous invention is available on every single train. I realize it seems incredibly intimate to put your hand mere inches from a stranger's head but consider how close you sit next to someone on days you were lucky to snag a seat, your reluctance is moot. Move.

6. Bags, suitcases, hockey sticks, golf bags, gym bags, backpacks, rolling bags, coats, gifts, paperwork, laptops, your dog ... don't get to ride on the seat beside you or across from you at anytime if there is more than 10 people on the train with you. Especially when the train is boarding. If you ride every f---ing morning on the train from Ajax like I do, you know the train gets full. If you're one of those people who get on at Oshawa, do us all a favour and move your sh*t once you're settled, not when I get on and look at you to do so. Don't make me ask.

7. Show me one person who hasn't had a bad day at the office and I'll show you my pet flying pig. So far, he's not been introduced to a soul. No matter how sucky your day was or how many reports you had to bind or how many times you had to edit a file, guess what? I don't give a rat's ass. Neither do the 20 people around you. So if you're going to bitch about your crappy day, talk to your corridor homies in church voice. In fact, behave like you do in church on the train and we should all get along fine.

8. Your kids aren't on their way to f---ing Disneyland so tell the little buggers to sit down and sit still. There's no need for any kid to be slapping the windows, jumping up and down on seats or running down the aisles. Teach them to be respectful of other people. Everyone is paying to ride and the bylaws restrict this behaviour. If you can't get your kids to behave, then you better find a babysitter because your kids don't deserve to be out in public.

9. That's awesome you've managed to download the latest Beyonce song from iTunes and are playing it on your MP3 player at a volume that forces all of us to hear it for free, but we most certainly don't want to hear you sing along. Most people appear to be tone deaf, pitchy and dreadful singers. Trust me when I say you are a legend in your mind. No one's clapping.

10. Just like you, I also want to get home. Charging the doors, stairs and parking lot doesn't make you get home faster. Nearly running people over as you race to line up to get out of the parking lot is ignorant, selfish and dangerous. Smarten up.

You can read the rest of the contributions here.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Did you ever think that the reason for track congestion is... you?

So the premise of this post is this:

I'm making an imaginary phone call on my cellphone to the wannabe knight in shining armour who pried open the train doors and held them open this morning after the CSA closed them.

Er, look, there's been something on my mind that I want to talk to you about.

Just some of the jerkish things you've been doing.

Wait ... are you on Facebook? Again?!

Well get off and listen to me!!!

Are those your European style briefs that someone claimed to have left in a washroom on the Georgetown train?

Oh sorry ... Milton ...

Why are you so defensive? Like I believe you'd write a shout out about that. Oh my god. I was just kidding ... !

Gawd... why do you have to be like this?

No, like, really ... what I wanted to talk to you about was your misguided chivalrous attempt to hold the doors open this morning on the 7:21 out of Oshawa.

You were making Mario very angry and when Mario's angry, it makes me angry.

Hey, just hang on, let me finish. We're friends, right? Cool. So hear me out ...

WHAT?! Have you ***seen*** Mario???

Okay, well neither have I, but don't ruin it for me ...

I said, don't ruin my fantasy ... (photo below).

Anyway, listen. That was stupid what you did. All for a hot piece in a skirt and heels. Maybe if she'd invest in a pair of tennis shoes, she'd make it from her car to the train on time.

Because you know what happens when you prevent the doors from closing? You make about 700 or so people late for work. You cause track congestion at Union...


Shut up and listen.

Do I claim to be an expert at train schedules???

You're the one whose channeling Julio Iglesias' HERO in your head as you watch your hot piece run in slow motion for the train. The train that's supposed to leave at 7:21 ... not 7:23 ...

What? Oh, forgive me ... Enrique Iglesias ... same thing ...

Anyway ... I totally blame you for being five minutes behind schedule this morning.

What? You think five minutes is nothing!? You know what five minutes means to me? It means I lose five minutes to meander up Bay Street and buy my coffee at MY LEISURE.

No, this isn't about me. It's not about me.

Why do you think it's always about me?

You know what? Just go hold open the doors on some other train. Just stay the hell away from the train I'm on.

I'm gonna go think about Mario now. I'm done with you.

11:13 pm ride home demonstrates the difference between day-trippers and work-commuters


After a long day and night out, I ventured onto the 11:13pm LSE.

On my trip, in the first coach, I was joined by two, very drunk, early twenty-somethings who tittered and giggled the whole ride about the guy passed out in a coma across from them who was wearing a Superman t-shirt with the muscles built in. I had to agree with them, something they pointed out a hundred times: Halloween was last weekend... mmm.

Over in the next quad, surrounded by bags that proved a shopping trip at the Eaton Centre, sat a teen who decided to go through all of the available ring tones on her new iPhone until I politely asked her to stop, just after we passed Guildwood. This was met with a roll of the eyes. So I got up to move upstairs and made sure I whacked her in the head as I passed her with my satchel. Oops, my bad.

Upstairs was the party bus. Three guys coming home from a bender at Ki. Heading to Whitby. One kept reminding his friends that they had to move back if they wanted to get off.

Are there no good bars in Whitby? No place to get drunk at? Alllll the way to Toronto .... ? For alcohol??? Asked the lady across from me who kept highlighting passages in her pocket Bible. I asked her if she believed in what she was reading, about Jesus' magic powers, blood into wine, stones into bread ... she thumped for me all the way to Oshawa and I listened like a respectful person should.

When we were approaching Oshawa, she asked me if I would quickly pray with her for the sins of the three drunk men who, of course, missed Whitby and were now on their cellphones arranging for rides.

This woman hung onto my hands as if I was to stop her from blowing away. I didn't close my eyes. I just sat and watched her. When she released my hands she told me Jesus is in my heart.

What do you say to that?

Friday, November 5, 2010

He probably receives satellite signals thru his belt buckle

I don't know what this is. Optimus Prime? Cat head? Raccoon? Regardless, it's huge.

7:21. Pickering.

Make-up (check)
Feet on seat (check)
Rolling along like it's my livingroom (check)

All that's missing is the bowl of oatmeal!

Submitted by Olivia via picture message to 9054420352

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Oh, don't mind us... "GO" ahead, make yourself at home

Sure, he took the shoes off but what about the rank?

Snapped by Gina. LSE 3:45pm train. Today.

Email your bag riders and foot riders to

Mind control devices... installation complete.

Picture link sent by anonymous to 9054420352

Snortin' Tims

Really?! Really.


Let's look at the layout of Union Station, in the perimeter of where all y'all dirty turnips spill out from the stairs and into the station, and how much coffee is available.

There's a:

Second Cup
Michel's Baguette
The Pretzel Thingy kiosk
Bagel Stop
Second Cup (again!)
Mr Sub
The muffin place with way too many M's
That other croissant and pastry kiosk 'round where the LCBO is

And now there's a Tim Hortons or "Snortin' Tim's" as I call it. The line-up when I got off the train this morning was almost out the door to the TTC entrance.

Dudes, is the coffee *that* great?

Considering a kiosk the size of a coffin can generate such a line-up, imagine if the company ever brought these (mocked up in the photo below by yours truly) to the financial district:

What song would be playing if Tim Hortons coffee trucks existed? Write your suggestions in the comments.

How many years have I hated you?

I am sure it is only my imagination, but the story my imagination has written makes them a couple who share a resentment of the other which causes their frowns and makes their sleep a little more restive than yours or mine.

Tyrus Balk via Flckr

Another parking supahstar who "parks how I want to "

Ha ha! Try to fit!
Oshawa GO parking lot.

Submitted by picture message to 9054420352

Is there sumthin' in mah teef?

I'm a fanatical flosser. If you were to examine my teeth, you'd be impressed with the spacing between each. I make dentists weep because of my oral hygiene. But alas, it appears to be a curse. And I discovered this downfall whilst aboard the 723 this morning.

I won't get into what was in the Purolator bag, only that I used my teeth to tear it open. In the process, a rather large and very long strip of plastic lodged itself in the space between two of my bottom teeth.

We've just passed Whitby and despite a visit to the bathroom, I can't pull the plastic out. It's a rather long piece.

Shoppers Drug Mart can't come fast enough. Or a butter knife. All I can do is stuff the plastic into my mouth and wait for Union.

But at least no one can tell what I've done.
This isn't as bad as the time I split the seam in my pants, but it's up there.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

What? Winter? No way, man

So what was the temperature yesterday? High of 9C, right?

Karen Y. saw this guy while heading southbound on the TTC Yonge line on her way to Union to head home to Ajax yesterday.

Hey, at least the shirt has long sleeves.

I'm not sure what he's doing with his hands and mouth. It almost looks like he's playing a harmonica. Or he's flossing.

It's coming, you dirty turnips! Winter "park how I want to"

Thanks to Amanda P. for the link. More winter GO lot parking antics available here

Do you mind if I clean mah ears?

Submitted by text message to 9054420352

I love how people text me as if I'm sitting right next to them. Not knowing who this texter is, and having described the ear digger as the same age as his or her mother, this puts the age range of this lady at anywhere between 30 to 100. Right?

Conversational texts. I has them!

Dirty boot turnip

Submitted via picture message from anonymous to 9054420352

As opposed to cold sudoku

Try HOT Sudoku. The word "hot" is spelled out in chili peppers. Sounds pretty serious.

Sizzling even.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Off Topic: Scissors needed to open a pack of scissors

Off topic, I know, but I had time to kill before my train rolled in so I hoofed it to Shoppers Drug Mart to get some girlie hair accessories for my awesome dirty-blonde locks only to discover the hair claws I purchased had these plastic ties fastened to them.

The best way to get them off was to use scissors. So I picked up a travel manicure set for $5 (handy, right?) only to discover to get the scissors out I would need ... wait for it ... scissors.

Hard to see but that's an icon of a pair of scissors and the dotted line suggesting where to cut the package open.


How do you not see a big green and white locomotive barreling down?

I also never understood how anyone can cross railway tracks without at least having the common sense to check for an oncoming train. How one doesn't *see* flashing lights and hear the clanging of bells, the roar of the engine, and the wail of a whistle, means the ear music was too loud or the fatality wasn't accidental.

Makes no sense.

Cyclist struck and killed by GO Train

Source: Toronto Sun

A 54-year-old cyclist was struck and killed by a passenger train in north Scarborough just after the dinner-hour Tuesday.

Toronto Police say the woman was riding west along the sidewalk on the north side of Finch Ave. E., east of Kennedy Rd., when she was hit by the Go train.

"Our initial reports suggest the train crossing arms came down and she circumvented them," Sgt. Tim Burrows, of Traffic Services, said Tuesday night.


Is the GO Train "Corridor Club" fact or fiction? CFRB investigated ...

CFRB on-air personality John Tory tried to find out whether or not the GO Train's "Corridor Club" (the Mile High Club of Trains) was fact or fiction.

Click here for the broadcast link (originally aired Sept 17 2010)

This text message exchange I received from a guy I nicknamed "Stud" points to yes.

Private dancer

I'm not sure what he was dancing for but I hope it was for laundry money.

Submitted by email to by Alan K.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Ron Burgundy tells pissed off GO commuter how it is

I started a conversation on the train on Saturday night with this Ron Burgundy wannabe.

This guy has a girlfriend in California, and he just moved back from university, after 4 yrs.... He was going to Pickering.... He also got in a fight with a guy who broke his finger. (Background: There was a train that unfortunately, some person killed themselves in front of. This particular guy he fought with was on this train that this happened on, and he was 'traumatized' from waiting 3 hours on the train. He apparently was a witness).

So, the guy broke his finger, and was bitching about it to the customer service ambassador. Ron here says to the guy, "How about you be quiet until you get to Oshawa" and then the guy bitched about how the train ride was traumatizing etc, and he said "I don't wanna hear your bullshit. You're ruining my train ride. Get a cab in Oshawa to the hospital and shut up" .... all from a guy who could be mistaken for Guy Smiley!

from Stef via Facebook.
It's mind-numbingly crappy, especially those who were on their way to the Leafs game - to be stuck for three hours and miss the game - but until there comes a day when people don't jump in front of a train to end their lives, this is something we all have to be prepared for. Bitching about it won't make it go away. Yay, Ron Burgundy!

Just a little bit closer ... little bit closer ... just ... little ... almost ... THERE

How the Jolly Green Giant parks his clown car.
Submitted by email to from Dan.
Brampton GO parking lot.

Is it drafty in here or is it just me?

Submitted by Mike P. via email to

A big, HUGE thank you to all the dirty turnips who couldn't spare a single second out of your ride home on the LSE 5:10pm train Friday to tell me the fly on my jeans was wide open and my red boxers were clearly visible. I WAS STANDING. GIVING EVERYONE A SHOW!

I recently had my hair cut and I figured that was the reason why so many ladies were checking me out.

When I got home my wife glanced at me and said, "Honey, your fly's down". It was more than just down, the zipper was busted. I thought I felt something as I was busting a nut running to Union but didn't do the "crotch-swipe-check-slide" hand check.


Mike, this is worthy of a Shout Out in that newspaper that people only read for the Shout Outs. Please send.

Conversation cut-in

Ever been chatting with someone on the train and another person wakes up from his or her coma and spontaneously joins your conversation? Especially when what they have to say has nothing to do with the topic at hand.

I don't care about your dog peeing on your harwood floor this morning. What the hell does that have to do with the sun being in my eyes?

Digging for dollars

Dude, yes you. In the pink, purple, blue, yellow and white striped woolen hat who got on Ajax.

It's called Kleenex!

Watching you bury your finger deep into each nostril while holding onto a support pole, a pole other people touch, is not amusing or a highlight for my morning. There's a reason why I was staring. Now you know why.

No wonder Purell sells billions of litres of their products.

And where do you think you are flicking your fortune? That's the grossest part.