BUMPED: Triple Ds. Stair Blockers. Stair Pigs. Door Hogs. FIRST!

UPDATE
This post just went viral and I was asked by a GO employee (actually several) to bump it.
Consider it done.
Somewhere on Bay Street, there's a cubicle full of people who are greatly amused by the comments.
I just wish I was there with a chair that I could hoist over my head and chant, Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

If you're new here, be sure to familiarize yourself with the TCT meme, and then make yourself a coffee, and then read the comments.


Ahh yes, the special 4:30pm LSE crowd. I don't take this train but I've heard lots about this party crowd. Karen writes:

I promised to take a photo of the FIRST gang on LSE 4:30. They stand on the departure side of the train, even though this is not an express and there are enough seats for everybody. They just like to be first on the first car, and first off the train. A few of these notables are also loud AND door blockers, getting up from their seats several stops before Oshawa.
So they get several awards.

---

Oh boo hoo, they probably gonna get all mad and send me hate email. I'm gonna publish every single one. Word.

When you're hung-over the next morning and you ride your son's bike to the GO station ...

This is what happens.

My hands ... theysa tired. I no can make it tooza trash can

Thanks to DH for the pic of a donkey's trash. Which, by the way, is nobody's treasure.

Do ya wanna ride this donkey-donkey? Do you wanna ride mah donkey? (sing it)

Check out this stud. I mean, check out this dud.

I believe this is Whitby's GO lot. "Joe Doe" didn't say, but thanks anyway. Have a nice day, okay?

Bored? Make your own GO bus. Then bring it on the bus

Here's the link to the paper-doll cut-out.

After you're done, board a GO Bus and sit with your paper GO Bus on your lap. Every time the bus brakes, be sure to make an 'Eeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr' screeching sound.

Record your results. Send the video to YouTube. Send the link to me.

She's got legs... and I know how to abuse them

Ok, get rid of the ZZ Top outta yo' head.

What this picture needs... is some Christmas. You know it's coming. Might as well get ready. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Your thighs connected to your ass. A seat for your feet. Flames burn your toes... Merry Foot Rider... Toniggghhhttt ... "






Be good kids. Keep your feet off the seats and if you're on the GO bus, get your bags off the seats.

Santa's coming!

Are you excited about all those GO?! Reading material, right here

Okay, when I was sent this link, I made a mental list of the amount of gin I would need to get through this e-book history of GO Transit. But I shit you not, I read most of it completely sober and get this, found it actually interesting.

Learn how GO came to be < CLICK.

I guarantee you, when you're done, you'll have a whole different perspective and you'll find yourself sharing these historical tidbits with loved ones who will appear fascinated by your tale of turnstile logistics and the drama behind the timetables but really, they're not gonna be interested. Oh, they'll look interested but deep down, they're fantasizing about how to destroy your larynx so you'll shut the hell up.

PS. I wrote this whole post after having consumed three glasses (full 8 oz each) of Mission Hill white white of some kind. If it made no sense, I've done my job.

Pissin' on the Leafs Fans parade

I heard that on Friday night's LSE runs, all trains past 10:13 pm, GO had extra transit safety constables on board.

Good.

Lawd, let me tell you how much I dread hockey season on nights I work late. Leaf fans, those who drink and think the GO Train is the most exciting train ride ever, are the most annoying, ridiculous and rude people to commute home with. Only the ones who drink, tho. The rest of you aren't bad. A little loud but I just move coaches when the profanity becomes a little much.

If I printed all the stories I've been told, this sign would have so much more meaning

Thanks to KK for the link.

He's driven away from the 407etr and has hopped on the "GO". McGuinty promises all-day service to/from Hamilton

Hamilton will have all-day, two-way GO train service in time for the 2015 Pan Am Games, Premier Dalton McGuinty said Friday.

McGuinty, who made the announcement Liuna Station on James Street North, also promised that Hamilton will see two new stations — one on James North, across the street from Liuna, and the other at Confederation Park. The move is expected to create 8,000 jobs.

Mayor Bob Bratina — who has focused on bringing all-day GO train service to Hamilton — was the only other speaker at McGuinty’s Hamilton appearance. It’s the second time Bratina has appeared alongside Hamilton’s slate of Liberal candidates to promote all-day GO service in the past two weeks.

More at the The Spectator's website

Mucho caliente bitch fit on the train

from destunyssun@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx.com
to cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date Wed, Sep 21, 2011 at 9:04 AM
subject queen of mean

I encountered a drag queen this morning on the train. This was absolutely a dude dressed as a lady. Bitch was crazy. Diva had all her bags on the seats in a quad. She stared out the window muttering under her breath and everytime someone asked to sit, she would make the best bitch face and scrunch up her nose like the person had just farted and exclaim, "bitch please". Hand up and everything! If you've seen Too Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar then you've got Patrick Swayze right here on this train.
This guy gets on and made to move her stuff and doesn't "girlfriend" stand up and slap this man's arm. The two of them start to argue and then it became a full-on verbal hiss and piss.
So Miss LeThaNg gathers up all her stuff and hustles off the train and goes on this verbal tangent as she's leaving.
Those of us sitting gave off some nervous chuckles.
I don't know where she went but the guy who moved her bag pulled out his cellphone and made a call to his wife to tell her all about what went down. He seemed very distressed by what happened. I thought it was hilarious.

---

Destuny didn't send video or pictures but here's how I imagined how the fight went down:

Parking donkeys are like American Idol rejects

Legends in their own minds.

GO union won't set strike deadline

Well it's Friday folks and those of us who've been on edge over this looming possible strike still don't have an answer for when D-Day is to drop.

According to the union representing more than 1,500 GO Transit workers, it will not announce a strike deadline Friday.

A representative for the Amalgamated Transit Union Local 1587 told CityNews they don't expect to set a strike deadline because there is still an outstanding issue before the Ontario Labour Board. The union cannot set a strike deadline until the board makes its decision.

The decision was expected to be made by Friday, No timeline had been given for the OLB decision. More at CityNews' website

This Crazy Train's Presto Chronicles, Chapter 9: The Family Circus Path

Gailanne wants to know why it's so hard to find a Presto machine at the exit points surrounding Union. She thinks Billy from the comic strip Family Circus headed up the planning and placement of the card readers.

She writes:

This week, I caved in and got myself a PRESTO Card. The main reason for doing so is because my GO commuting habits have started becoming less predictable and I didn't want to keep track of multiple 10 ride tickets. I have also been taking advantage of the nice weather and riding my bicycle to and from work at least twice a week. The overall calculations of me commuting on the GO for much of the summer did not amount to anything significant to justify getting a monthly pass. Monthly passes won't happen til January due to planned holidays, as well as hope for an extended cycling season.

I left my PRESTO zones open with no defaults because of varying trips. Besides, I would like to remain accountable to my balances at all times by remembering to tap on and off.

This morning, I experienced my first frustration. Getting off the train at Union on Platform 26, I headed for the stairs leading to the east side of York Street. I looked around. For the first time, I noticed that while they have machines for stamping the paper tickets, there were no PRESTO scanners. What the...? I have never noticed this before and I have taken the same steps down to the street for more than two years - even before PRESTO was launched! I noticed two scanners. They were out of service. Just getting installed...

I then had to make a beeline up York Street and back into the station through the Front Street entrance to tap off. These machines are difficult to locate! After navigating my way through the concourse, I was finally able to locate one closer to the stairs.

Now, in all fairness, the teamway on the west side of York Street has multiple scanners. I didn't utilise those ones (like I would on the way home) because I wanted to see what it was like to locate one in the GO Concourse. One thing came to mind very quickly... Do you remember Bill Keane's comic Family Circus? Occasionally, we are treated to a map of little Billy's adventure before he arrives at a destination. It's just like trying to find a Presto Card scanner.

---

I never understood the Family Circus but I'd read it anyway on Sunday mornings since it was all I could do on Sunday mornings because my parents believed cable was the devil when I was kid. The only channels I got as a kid were CFTO, Global, TVOntario (God, how miserable was that station in the 80s? I hated the Green Forest with a passion and Rocket Robin Hood? That made me *want* go to church and I don't go to church).

Speaking of church, when you had no cable tv, Sundays meant all that was available on Global and CFTO were televangelists. CityTV had multicultural programs. I once watched a whole show about marinating meat in Portuguese because it was the. only. thing. on.

Then there was PBS. There I'd be, watching Anne of Green Gables - all parts - only to be interrupted by that blonde chick with the bowl cut who would start begging for pledge money. Oh my God, she went on and on. With all those fake ringing phones in the background and smiling people pretending to write down bogus information. Then they'd run a scroll of all the people who "gave" money.

Yeah, so those of you who had cable, I hated you.

But back to the Presto scavenger hunt. GO needs to invest in card scanners that are better positioned and more visible. Plus, convenient for customers! They've pushed this product so much focusing entirely on the brand and less on the value. At least, this is how it seems to me. Put card readers right on the train. Right near the door. If they make the scanners small enough for fare checking, they can mount something just as small on the coaches. Sounds good to me.

From the Toronto Star - Rescue on Platform 12: GO hero saves passenger’s life

Awesome job from an awesome CSA.

Derek Thompson? You fierce.

Full story here.

Nutty Conversations

Here are some text exchanges I've received over the past summer in regards to various dilemmas/randomness and my replies (in green and italics):

How do you know when some1 you see on the train everyday likes you?
Why did you truncate only someone?
That sounds dirty LOL. I don't really know the person I just think he likes me.
I meant in your sentence you wrote some1 but spelled everything else like a Rhodes Scholar.
Oh, thats just something I do. Sorry if it bothered you
I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
Ha ha, ok. Sooo, this just got awkard with you being a grammar nazi all of a sudden
It sure did. Asolutely.

***

Do you know why the GO Train doesn't take cash?
Please explain ...
I got on the train this morning and there was nowhere to put my money.
The hell? You mean like a coin dispenser box, like on a bus?
Ya
Did you go into the station?
No.
Shit, am I in trouble?
You could be if you're still on the train.
Does someone check if I paid? How do they know?
It's random. You have to have a ticket before you get on the train.
So if I got caught I could just pay the ticket checker?
It doesn't really work that way.
Well for chrissakes if they'd put in fare boxes then I wouldn't look so stupid!!!

***

What train are you on?
Not on yet. Working late.
That's too bad. I bought you a coffee and figured you'd swing by my coach and we could chat.
Well that's really sweet. Can I ask what kind of coffee you bought?
Oh oh. Are you particular about the brand? Second Cup. Delish. do you like Second Cup?
I do but I always wonder about the name. Do people really buy another coffee after consuming the first one?
Ha, dunno. Good question though. But I think Last Cup coffee shop wouldn't really do well.
Nonsense. Think of the franchising opportunities for jails. Funeral homes ...
LOL Death Row coffee...
Ba ha hah. We're so going to hell.
Make room for me in that handbasket...

***

Like this? Read Advice

Barrie foot ridin's gone all courtesy like

It's not really foot-ridin' when I put my wet sneakers under the seat and toss my bag on top. I do this with the coffee table at home, too. I just rest my sneakers on the edge. So don't be hatin' just coz I'm rollin' dirty.
- Barrie Foot Rider

A historic moment! A post about me from one of you

I will admit that bees, hornets and wasps scare the absolute shit outta me. And after today's hornet swarming incident, the fear is now even more profound.

But this, this email is epic, it is, as my imaginary abuela would say, "Una curiosa coincidencia". I have a thing for Spanish. Use the Koodo commercial voice-over voice and you'll understand why. Okay, maybe you won't but it's a language I've wanted to master for a looong time. Well before Dora was on the scene with her constant demand of checking maps and her unhealthy relationship with a naked monkey that wears only boots. And the yelling! Dios mío. Basta!

from AngelaS@xxxxxxxx.ca
to cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date Wed, Sep 21, 2011 at 4:20 PM
subject stings

Hi CJ,
I have a train story that relates to your unfortunate incident from today. When I lived in Oshawa, I took what was the 7:55 am train. I can remember this incident, probably three years ago or so where a bunch of us were standing on the platform waiting for the train to roll in after it had been delayed. There was this woman standing about arm's length from me. There was a wasp crawling along the back of her shoulder so I attempted to swipe it off her and told her there was a wasp. I can't even begin to describe this woman's reaction but she reminded me of the Tazmanian Devil. She whirled one way and then another, ripped off her jacket and threw it to the ground. I sort of stood back because all I was thinking was what the hell is wrong with this woman? She wasn't screaming but you could see she was distraught. I helped her pick up her jacket and she kept asking me if the "bee" was gone. As the train rolled in, she didn't look right and she was trembling. I asked her if she was okay. She mumbled something and then just left - walked right off the platform. So strange. I'll never forget it.

Great site by the way. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading it everyday.

Angela

---

When this email came in I hollered for my husband. He read it. He knew.

Oh my god, he says. That was you!

Yes, it was. The six degrees of separation is closing in, folks. If a wasp manages to joyride along in a coach, I freeze. In fact, I will run. I have crazy in me. I know I've shown the crazy to others. I'm a blog about my blog.

Of course, Angela thinks this is hysterical. When I wrote her back she actually called me. Now that was bold. I rarely get direct from email calls but all she said in her voicemail was, "Girl. You lying".

Nope.

Off Topic: Things I've learned so far today

1. I can't hammer a nail straight to save my life.

2. Bread boards make great wall brackets when trying to cover an old phone bracket with a pushpin white board.

3. Hornets will make a nest in your BBQ cover and when you unroll it, they will swarm and sting you.

4. Walk-in clinics will give you an epi-pen shot without you having to wait.

5. Calling your husband hysterical over being stung and getting his voicemail sucks.

Storytime may be delayed, kiddies. As a GO commuter, delays shouldn't faze you

I've exhausted most of my content for this week. I have some more crazy text exchanges I need my husband to transcribe for context as he very much enjoys the randomness and obscurity of people confused by what this website is. "Is it GO Transit, it looks like Go Transit. I'm not sure if I remember seeing their logo wearing a pair of tattered shorts and having arms ripped like a 1970s Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I'm gonna send a text message all the same ... " It never gets old.

I'm also not Go-ing it today, tomorrow or Friday as the final Smith Casa de Home Makeover phase of my "let's paint the whole fucking house initiative" is coming to a close as the new flooring comes in today. Installation should be finished by Saturday. The fact my marriage survived is nothing short of a miracle.

Because I have to cram 1400 square feet of furniture, including an upright piano, into a powder room and 1 small bedroom, I am without a home office and my husband hides his laptop (don't ask, ok, one day I'll tell the story). I'm left with only my Blackberry and if I can, I will try to amuse you over the next couple of days. No promises, tho.

So unless something epically fantastico happens on the train you're on and you get off your fat ass and email me about it (PICTURES PEOPLE) it may be a little dry around here, but it all starts up again on Monday.