Off Topic: Seen This Yet?

That's right, we know who really has the balls in this relationship.

My husband and I did the Nightmares Haunted Tour as part our seventh wedding anniversary get-a-way and I just read this morning that the company who operates the place has a Flickr photostream of photos showing patrons scared out of their minds.

When we went, we had this family from Mexico behind us where the grandmother held onto my husband for dear life as she screamed like a banshee the whole time. I kept yelling, "Está bien! Relajarse!" A wasted effort, unfortunately. My husband eventually had the grandmother, mother and aunt clinging to him by the time we reached the exit.

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

I know Skin Man has been waiting on pins and needles for another text exchange and I promise not to disappoint!

The parentheses aren't mine. The person texting me actually typed those little descriptors in his text messages. I felt like I was having an IRC chat circa 1995.

I've stripped out the message headers ie. date & phone numbers so it flows better for you to read. My replies are in green.

***

hi (said in a slow drawl) (puts cowboy hat on)

WHAT?

howdy (inserts toothpick into mouth)

John Wayne is dead, dude.

you sure look good in them jeans but they'd look better on my floor (moves eyes slowly down your body)

Game on then.

do you like horses? whiskey? good country music?

Yes. Yes and yes.

Several minutes roll by ...

(grabs your wrist, slide it up alongside my head, push into a tango position) i hope you dance.

Hate that song.

(quiet chuckle) you're good. (whispers in your ear) dinner is by candlelight, come with me to the dining room.

Is this where I roll 6 for strength?

are you feeling weak in the knees?

No, but I am feeling something in my stomach.

(quiet chuckle) butterflies are completely natural.

This is more like cramps.

aw, well, i can take care of that (fetches hot water bottle from bathroom)

It's more like nausea. Let me guess, you're gonna text-pantomime getting on your horse, clopping over to Shoppers Drug Mart and "fetching" me some Gravol.

lol. you got it.

(roll eyes)

that's better. why not just play along? no harm done.

Dude, I'm already past GO. You, on the other hand, should go directly to jail.

if loving you is a crime, then baby, i'll do the time.

Hey, I've got a great line for you to use on the next person you randomly text message.

i didn't randomly text message you. i know who you are.

Awesome. Anyway, write this down, or pantomime that you're writing it down: "I've got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it. Coz I'm sexy and I know it".

i like.

Me too.

can we get back to our dinner and dance now?

Sorry, I don't like cowboys. Didn't your mamma tell you not to be one when you grew up?

(laughing) no. i figured you'd find this funny.

I do. In a creepy way. Still makes me want to bathe in bleach, tho.

:(

Oh cheer up. You get a branded "A" on the ass for effort.

:)

Okay, that's enough now.

:-p

No tongue.

<:)?

What's that?

sexy pirate.

What does that have to do with cowboys?

i can't draw a cowboy with letters and punctuation.

I can. Give me a bit. What's your email. It may not work in text message.

ok. xxxxxx@gmail.com

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gold stars!!! but you stopped at the waist. i wanted to see this 'passion in my pants' you mentioned.

Oh, sorry. I can't make my text that small.

Stop! Fingers away from the BBM!

Hey, we're all friends on BBM but dudes, ignore the bogus broadcast message.

It's a hoax.

Here's how the note reads:

This is the real broadcast from BlackBerry© All rights reserved. Broadcast this message to every single contact on your BBM© We need our active users to re-send this message to everyone on your contact list in order to confirm our active users that use BlackBerry Messenger, if you do not send this message to all your BlackBerry Messenger contacts by 12pm EST tonight then your acount will remain inactive with the consequence of losing all your contacts.

RIM says:

A hoax chain BBM message is currently circulating. This did not originate from RIM and we recommend that you simply ignore it and please do not forward it. Thanks for your support.

Your first clue? The broadcast message is riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. It wasn't sent from some anxious RIM executive rapidly typing with one thumb as he speeds down the 401 towards Waterloo. Your BBM is safe.

Secret Agent Man

AO snapped this photo of a Secret Agent Man on a TTC subway car Wednesday.


He should be drinking a martini.


See this private dancer? A dancer for money?


He won't give her any. But he totally wants to sell her insurance.

Bag Beatdown. Some people need one

From: 1905449XXXX
To: 19054427423
October 12 2011 05:50 PM

Hey cj, I just saw the most disgusting piece of shit "man" I have ever seen! An elderly woman was walking thru the path when this guy shoved her. Being a classy lady she politely told him , " "you almost tripped me sir" to which he replies: "well walk fast you f*cking c*nt!" I couldn't believe it. I am still sick to my stomach thinking of this guy. The thing that makes me most mad, is that I didn't say anything or do anything, I just let the ass bag walk way. I promise I will never hold me tongue for someone like that again, I hate the way I feel right now. People like that shouldn't get away with that sort of behavior!

He was probably like 30-40 and she was like 80!!!!! I'm sad to think that someone would actually call some ones grandma a c-word

From: 19054427423
To: 1905449XXXX
October 12 2011 05:58 PM

It probably happened so quickly that your reaction or inability to even think to speak up was slowed by shock. What a rat bastard. No respect these days!

Happy Anniversary to me

This is where I'll be Thursday to Sunday. We've rented this right-on-the-water chalet in Muskoka. With a hot tub. With a wall to ceiling stone fireplace. With a speedboat.

I guess my husband has to come, too. It's only been 10 years.

I'll post photos of the sunset, if we get one. The weather might be crappy. All the more reason to use the fireplace and celebrate wine o'clock!

The silence is deafening

from sammy_XXXXX@rogers.com
to cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date Tue, Oct 11, 2011 at 8:44 PM
subject Helen Keller would kick my asssss

Howdy!!! I have a great story for you! This afternoon I took an early train (Milton 430) and was seated a quad across from this woman who earlier had been on the platform talking on a cellphone indicating she was going to visit someone. I could tell from her mannerisms this was her first train ride. You can tell because these GO virgins are either super-excited or super-skittish. Kind of like when you bring a cat home from the pound for the first time. So we're moving along and I guess she was starting to get nervous because she spoke to the man across from her who had been staring out the window. She wanted to know how long the train ride was but he ignored her. This floored me. So again, she leans over and says, "Excuse me". The guy doesn't move. Doesn't look over. Doesn't take his eyes away from the window. She slumps back in her seat so I speak up and tell her we should be in Milton in about 55 minutes or so. She smiles and of course, speaks loudly back to me, startling the whole train of people... because she's a newbie and doesn't know the rules. The guy still doesn't flinch. We get to Milton and the woman thanks me as she goes by. The guy stands up and I'm ready for him to bust out some sign language only to see him pull ear buds from his ears that were black with black cord and he wound these things behind his hair (which was long, black and he was dressed in all black). Son of a bitch, eh?

Cue crickets

Didja text me?

You did?

Didja send a picture, too?

YOU DID!

Well guess what?

I didn't get it.

So if it's dry 'round here, blame the folks at RIM. However, my email is working. I know it's not as fast or fun as texting, but it's reliable. Just sayin' ....

Presented without comment

The more things change, the more they stay the same

from tXXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com
to cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date Fri, Oct 7, 2011 at 2:11 PM
subject A historical note

Something which might be of interest (or not)... while doing some unrelated research online, I came across a copy of the North American passenger rail timetables from 1910. Looking at trains from Toronto to Whitby, I found the fastest train (making eight stops in between) took 60 minutes, compared with 51 minutes for most off-peak trains today (making seven stops). It's good to see a century of progress and advances in technology have saved us all of nine minutes.

Regards,
Tom

Mister Rogers rides the GO Train

My battery died for my BlackBerry which means I have no photographic evidence of the Mister Rogers doppelgänger who sat right next to me on this evening's 520 LSE to Oshawa.

I don't know if he was dressed for an early Halloween costume party but he had khaki slacks on, a light blue Mr Rogers button-up vest, white dress shirt, tie and white canvas sneakers!

He got off at Scarborough. He even had the hair goin' on.

My husband is shouting that I have to disclose that I am a wikipedia fanatic. I wikipedia everything and everyone. I am fascinated that so many people know so many things about a particular topic or person.

So of course I had to wiki Mr. Rogers. Found this bit interesting:

In 1963, Rogers moved to Toronto, where he was contracted by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) to develop a 15-minute children's television program: Misterogers, which would be his debut in front of the camera. The show was a hit with children but lasted for only three seasons. Many of his famous set pieces—Trolley, Eiffel Tower, the 'tree', and 'castle'—were created by CBC designers. While in Canada, Rogers brought his friend and understudy Ernie Coombs, who would go on to create Mr. Dressup, a very successful and long-running children's show in Canada, and similar in many ways to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Mr. Dressup also used some of the songs that would be featured on Rogers' later program.

And even more interesting, he considered the SNL parody of his show 'amusing and affectionate'.

For my GO Bus peeps. If only ...

Note. This isn't language I use, but I love this.

Overheard and Overboard

This morning's 7:21 - OSH to UNI train was cancelled and as many of you LSE people know, the 7:53 - OSH was 30 minutes late.

I'm not sure what to make of the people who got on at Whitby as the train headed east to Oshawa. These people remained on the train when it arrived in Oshawa and did so, as one woman told us boarding, so they could get a seat. But what about the free ride people? Did you pay for your trip from Whitby to Oshawa? And then from Oshawa to Whitby? Probably not. To me, this is fare-jumping. To others, it was a brilliant, strategic maneuver; a way to stick it to GO Transit for the inconvenience.

Kudos to the woman on the first coach, near the doors who told people boarding at Pickering that she'd gladly make room for them if only the people with backpacks would take them off to free up standing room. You go girl.

TTC lucky charm

One of my Twitter followers writes:

Seriously. Dude had socks with cloverleafs. WTF is a leprechaun doing on the streetcar in October? Also, he was drunk. http://pic.twitter.com/NMth9i9h

Two days left to go on the breakfast poll!

Oh c'mon, you know you're excited.

Pop tarts lost by a mile and it's turned out that most of you jokers do not want most of us to eat on the train. Nope, you want most of us to spend our cold, hard cash on fast food.

I made a Jewish apple cake last night and ... AND ... you're gonna be amazed ... I remembered to bring a slice with me to work!

Of course, seeing as my LSE train was delayed 30 minutes this morning, I could have easily eaten it on the platform but no, I waited until I was at my desk.

The next poll question is about fares. I know you can hardly contain yourselves.

Jewish apple cake baking.

Sooo good.

Tour de Bird - 9 hrs 40 mins 17 secs

That, my friends, is how much driving I did for turkey.

Traffic was a mess both Saturday and Sunday. Monday was almost a write-off but we were smarter this time and avoided every highway that had a "4" in it. It took longer but at least we were moving.

I managed to get through nine hours at my parents' place without my mother suffering a single meltdown. It was touch and go there at around 6pm when the turkey came out of the oven raw near the legs, but thank the christmas baby jesus the breast was cooked because that's what saved dinner. Three hours later, I checked everyone for signs of salmonella poisoning. It was all good. A follow up phone call on Sunday morning insured everyone was still alive. And so, my mother learned that some kitchen utensils shouldn't be bought for a $1, such as turkey thermometers. Dollar stores will kill you. Swear to god.

The in-laws? Where to start? 1. Father in law is a chef. This makes the entire lead-up to dinner an Olympic event. I learned years ago to stay the hell out of his kitchen. 2. I managed to choke down a brussel sprout without suffering a cardiac arrest (I hate those things with a passion, but it's a written rule that I have to eat at least one, or else I'm insulting a thousand years of British tradition or something to that affect). 3. English people (yes, that's where the Smith comes from) are impossible to understand after an entire bottle of Lindeman's Bin (pick a number). I spend more time trying to figure out an appropriate time to laugh when everyone is talking all the while trying to remember which friggen fork I'm supposed to use to eat my meat with.

In-laws - Part 2 (due to divorce) - involves a routine more akin to lying in a hammock while a slave feeds you grapes. The hours drag on and I spend most of the afternoon planning our after-dinner exit strategy. The food usually involves some Newfie concoction that I manage to swallow, all the while agreeing that the chicken was indeed tender and absolutely Aunt So and So's mustard cake was to die for. I still don't know what I ate but I keep checking for an oil slick every time I get up.

Feel free to share your thanksgiving tales. I'm interested. If we didn't have to drag a sewing machine with us, we would have taken the GO train to St Catharines and saved ourselves the traffic headache. I hear it's quite the train ride.

Off-Topic: So ... what are you doing October 18th?

Save the date!

If you live in Durham Region, now is your chance to literally walk up shit's creek.

The Giant Colon is coming! To Oshawa!

Red means stop. No, really, it does. It's not a suggestion

from ash.XXXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com
to cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date Fri, Oct 7, 2011 at 9:26 AM
subject Friday Morning Fun

Dear CJ:
I know this isn't entirely related to the GO train but I do commute to work every day and I'd like to tell you my story about my morning walk to work from Union Station today.

According to the Ontario Driver's Handbook:
RED LIGHT

"A red light means you must stop.......wait until the light changes to green and the intersection is clear before moving through it. Unless a sign tells you not to, you may turn right on a red light only after coming to a complete stop and waiting until the way is clear". i.e. WAITING UNTIL THE ROAD IS CLEAR OF PEDESTRIANS!

Today at 8:15 a.m., I'd just arrived at Union Station after my commute in from Ajax. I have to walk from Union to the King and Spadina area every morning and take the same route every day. This route takes me along Station Street and through the intersection at Lower Simcoe and Front Street.

At morning rush hour, this intersection is extremely busy, congested with cars and people alike. I, along with many other people, am waiting for the walk sign to cross Front Street. The light turns green and the walk sign illuminates. I'm at the front of the pack so I step off the curb and walk about 5 steps and then from out of no where this car comes barreling around the corner and the driver doesn't stop as required by law. It's a good thing I have really good peripheral vision otherwise, I would have been really up close and personal with the front end of this douchebag's car.

I'm not sure if non-GO commuters ever read your blog but for the love of God, obey the traffic laws before you kill somebody! I would have been really upset had I missed out on Turkey Weekend.

Yours truly
MyHeartIsStillPounding

---

Since most of GO-ers drive to and from stations, your email holds a lot of merit.

Thanksgiving

Each year, due to my husband's blended family, we are subjected to Thanksgiving weekends I have dubbed The Tour de Bird. There is no rest for me. We are expected to be in Toronto, St. Catharines and Beeton during a three-day span. I'm also subjected to a rainbow of different personalities. Interacting with my mother, who gets so worked up over this food holiday, requires an incredible amount of rum. To prepare, I usually start drinking at 6pm on Friday and don't stop til about 4pm on Monday.

Unlike last year, I find fellow commuters to be less excited or perplexed about their turkey plans this year and for this, I am grateful.

Have a nice long weekend, you turkeys.

Door Donkey Battle - the saga continues

From: +1905434XXXX/TYPE=PLMN
Received: Oct 6, 2011 5:21 PM
(no subject)

Am on 510 lse. Third coach I think. Anyway, two female door donkeys right in the door with their bags and purses on the floor in front of them. Very narrow space to get onto the train. One door donkey doesn't move after I ask her to move, just keeps reading her paper. I pick up her purse and shove it at her and tell her it's one thing to stand because you don't want to sit, it's another to stand and put your shit in the way so you can claim your spot at the door. It's rude. I'm sick of this crap and I shouldn't have to walk through people or over people's stuff to board a train that isn't full yet. Why can't these asses wait on the platform??? I get you like to stand but how about us who like to sit? Why not just let us get by?? So door donkey is mad I touched her "property" and starts giving me attitude and picking a fight and she's mad because I decided to sit right where I can look at her.

I tell her that she purposely blocked the doorway. That it's dangerous too because someone could trip. So as the train moves out of union, her and her donkey friends regress to high school and start talking about me and laughing. I don't care. I made my point. I don't get these people. We need to start fighting back. I used to think I was the only one irritated by this crap until I found your website. Why is it so hard for these women to move out of the way??? The CSAs need to start babysitting these inconsiderate idiots. How about some courtesy messages to let people board and not block the doorways and aisles with purses and bags? Thanks for letting me vent.