Pyromania

This morning, on the 7:15 Oshawa-Union, I was graced with the pleasure of sitting beside two ladies who, and I'm not quite sure here, fight forest fires for a living, start forest fires as a hobby, watch forest fires for pleasure, or chase forest fires kind of like those psychos on TLC who chases tornadoes.

Whatever the case may be, these two women sure knew a lot about forest fires, the degree of severity, how they're classed, the measures taken to contain them and how fast - in metres - they spread.

Then all of a sudden, acting like they've just given birth or won the lottery, these women grew incredibly excited as we passed through Whitby to Ajax where there's a small forest that borders the north side of the 401 and in great earnest, they discussed how long they think that forest would burn for and how many hectares it is and the degree of flame(?).

Pyros. I has them.

What I ate

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

repeat x 4

Thank you - to the girl in the white coat with blonde hair on the 5:10 Union-Oshawa train this evening - who told everyone within earshot how her diet has been so far. What's she's eaten. What she hasn't eaten. How much she did eat when she ate. How much weight she's lost (she actually lifted her shirt and pulled at her pants to show everyone). How her stomach has shrunk. How the pills make her full and on... and on... and on...

Steak for lunch but nothing but seven pills for the rest of the day? Super.
A pound of butter for breakfast and water for the next three days? Ew.

What kind of diet is that? The cardiac arrest plan?

Park how I want to. Ajax style

TOP PHOTO:
The driveway into the Ajax GO parking lot. It is like this every day - people parking in the ditch alongside the driveway.
Still think Oshawa is bad?

MIDDLE PHOTO:
Cars parked in the intersection.

BOTTOM PHOTO:
See the red truck? That turnip is parked smack in the middle of the laneway blocking any and all traffic. This is a regular occurrence in the south lot at Ajax.

Photos submitted by F. Dee. to cj@thiscrazytrain.com

This picture is better in person ...

Sent via picture message to 9054420352

I'm sure you saw this yourself this morning at Oshawa and this picture is better in person but basically what's happening here is the white pickup is occupying two vertical spaces so if you try to fit your car behind, you're actually too far out in the row. Also the two vans are parked "how they want to" and if you have a car bigger than a Honda Fit, you can't fit in that space because you can't open your doors! Why do people do this? Why couldn't the guy in the pickup just park properly?

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I don't know why people park like jackasses so I'll just keep calling them out for it so thanks for sending this in.

Oh, and I don't case the rows in my car looking for wanton parking a-holes, so no, I didn't see this. That's the job of GO Parking Enforcement, and they do such a great job, don't they?

Crossword genius

This dude got on at Danforth and got off at Oshawa tonight (Union - Oshawa 10:13pm). Just before the train stopped, I had a chance to grab the Crossword he had been mad working on ... he with thesaurus in hand. You know where my thesaurus is from J-school? Me neither.

This guy managed to finish both the LA Times and New York Times puzzles. Why he didn't think to bring the paper home with him so he could tape it to the staff fridge at work tomorrow causes me great puzzlement. That would be something I would do and I'd write a big "Ha" with an equally big "!" on it just because I can. I actually considered passing this off as my own handiwork but my co-workers would figure me out soon enough as a poser.

I'm lucky if I can get one word out in a Crossword (any Crossword) puzzle and usually it's a clue to do with celebrities such as Oscar winner Halle -.

I suck so bad at Crosswords that I'll write over letters forty times willing the word to appear. According to eHow.com (my new, most favourite site for getting through life - the same website that taught me how to enjoy a train ride), the following items help complete a Crossword: a crossword dictionary, an atlas and an almanac.

Read more: How to Do a Crossword Puzzle | eHow.com

Barrie riders say you're "number one" to GO Transit

... with their middle finger. And not in a good way.

It appears GO has failed to realize that not everyone hauls ass with a laptop with a remote connection or mobile WI-FI or high-speed connection to the Internet and thus, those with mobile devices, can't read special snow schedule PDFs on hand-helds. But the LSE riders could read my little JPG snapshot! Imagine that. And it only took me all of 40 seconds to create it.

So if you're schlepping it down Bay Street and you get a GO SMS (text) alert and it tells you to click to a PDF file so you know what train to take, you're shit out of luck.

Several Barrie riders wrote me to vent their frustration at this glaring oversight.

I thought GO promised better communication? Well guess what, you failed.

It's all cute and nice that someone in external relations or whatever department writes the alerts makes reference to Mother Nature being in control, but how hard is it for that same person to bang out an ordered list of the train departures or did Mother nature prevent that from happening, too? Or how about that same person link a JPG of the schedule for each corridor?

It's not rocket science.

So next time it snows, and all hell breaks loose, how about someone at GO try a little harder? M'kay?

And no express trains home, either!

Balls!
Revised Evening Schedule from GO Transit
Trains leaving Union this afternoon heading east to Oshawa are highlighted in yellow.
Follow along ... no express.

By why? I don't mind the hour-plus train ride but why all the trains? What value does this bring? Why is today different from any other day where it snows?

Complete and total balls

Oshawa GO Station - 7:31 am, February 2, 2011

There was no need for GO to invoke a snow schedule with all stops for all trains leaving Oshawa this morning.

Why? To brake for snowflakes?

I don't see what was different today than say, January 12th of this year, when it snowed hard and fast in damp wet clumps. Today's snow is light with blowing wind. Visibility was fine in Durham. In fact, looking outside the train now as we're pulling into Union, I can see just fine. Driving to Oshawa from my rural home in Clarington took twice the time but traction was good and traffic was light - people obviously took the day off.

What blizzard? I'm not "geddon" it. You're not snowmageddon it either.

When did snow become a national day of panic? In Ontario? In Canada?

2,242

Exhibit A
Photo by Chris Lancaster via flickr

That's how many parking spaces are available at the Oshawa's GO station WHEN IT'S SUMMER.

With snowmageddon tomorrow (according to the rumors), and the plethora of jerks who will park across three spaces (Exhibit A), there will be 1,600 spaces available.

I know there will be at least one extra space because I might work from home tomorrow if the roads are crap. Where I live is fairly rural and a 15-minute drive to Oshawa can easily become an hour-long gong show.

But here's your assignment, should you choose to accept it. Please take photos of as many "park how I want to" jerks as you can and email them in so I can build up my a-hole parking hall of fame.

Could it possibly be called "Shout Out"?

This Crazy Train's Presto Chronicles, Chapter 1: The Purchase

I turned in my January paper pass last night at the Oshawa station which waived the $6 issuance fee for my Presto card. I also received a $15.28 credit on my Presto card because my pass, even though it was the end of January, still had monetary value. I didn't ask the attendent why, but if you know why, leave a comment. Is it because of the fare structure? Don't make me call the help line where I know I will sit on hold listening to Lionel Ritchie sing about dancing on a ceiling. Please tell me. Remember, I can't make change from a dollar.

I loaded $250.00 onto the card giving me a total balance of $265.28.

The GO attendent took the time to tell me about the card and explained how it works, how I should protect it, how the automated re-load option works and what to do if my card is lost or stolen, so kudos.

I was the only one at the counter since it was pushing 9:30pm but I would like to think this kind of time is taken with each purchase to explain the card.

Since over 150 people downloaded the Uncle/Crazy Train Presto fare calculator spreadsheet yesterday, I figure I would chronicle my experience since there are readers who are hesitant in signing up for the card. I tapped it this morning at Oshawa and $7.25 was deducted from the card (that's $1.00 off the full, one-way fare to Union), so it worked, both card and machine.

In regards to the tax credit, keep a record of your transactions both online and in person AND REGISTER YOUR CARD so if you lose it, it can be replaced and your balance can be transferred. You do have to use the pass more than 32 times in a one-month period to be able to claim the expense on your taxes and your card must be registered.

Because I'm a Bombardier engineer ...

Picture message from 416747xxxx to 9054420352

Hey CJ

On the older trains, where there's a stripper pole flanking each door are these stainless steel panels with black plastic anchors. I was staring at these this morning wondering what they're for. Can you tell me?

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Nope. I'm a web content communications specialist/GUI architect. I can design a website about stripper poles if you'd like? That's about the extent of my GO train schema/design/construction/on-board utilities knowledge.

Do you mind if I spread out?

It's gonna take more than those flimsy pieces of rubber to protect those pretty loafers come Wedesday.

I also have to admire how this man made himself at home. Impressive, no?

Broken promises = black eyes?

Someone penciled in a black eye on this poster.

There are other ways to vent your frustration, dirty turnips. Defacing a poster isn't one of them.

Who are you talking to at 7am? Why?

I took the 7am Oshawa-Union train this morning. This is the earliest I've ever taken the train and at that hour, you really can appreciate the desire for quiet or at the very least expect "church voice" from those who absolutely MUST CALL SOMEONE.

It's still dark! Dark = sleep. Dark does not = call up a friend and have a full-volume conversation about your weekend.

Are you jokers for real?

If my husband/sister/friend/lover/mom/dad/daughter/cousin/son/guy-who-owns-the-farm-down-the-road called me at 7am to chat me up about what I did Saturday night, I'd find a way to put my fist through the phone.

I wound up moving from where I was sitting - ALL NICE AND COMFORTABLE I MIGHT ADD - to upstairs, where I got to listen to another conversation a woman was having with her daughter about:
- respect
- rules
- no boys in her room when dad's not home
- how the washing machine works
- why foil in the microwave is bad
- why the dog can't be left in the garage to pee
- how many times she's been told to be home at a respectable hour (11 pm... Holy Moses, when I was a teenager, 9 pm was a respectable hour. These kids don't how good they have it)
- dishes don't belong under the living room couch
- why she "has to be that way"
- how it may be time to change high schools so she has better friends (ouch)
- and on, and on, and on ...

Oy.

"How does Presto work?" asked Jill on a cold January morning. "How the hell should I know?" was my reply

I hadn't really been paying much attention to this supposed card of the future, appropriately called "Presto", as in "presto", your money's gone. Ha ha. No? Sorry.

I understand change isn't easy and automation tends to put people out of work, but paper passes aren't the best method anymore, and never really were. If you lose your paper, flat-fee, monthly GO pass, the only hope in hell you have for recovering it is a shout out in a commuter newspaper and the kindness of others to bring it to the Lost and Found at Union Station. Balls, right?

I've never lost a pass but I did get one wet when it fell into a puddle one crazy morning at the first of the month. It was still fresh from the ticket booth and I was in the process of putting it into a zipped compartment of my satchel when it slipped from my fingers. It didn't dry well and resulted in a glare of disgust when I had to present it for inspection one evening to a GO transit inspector, who lectured me on "proper pass handling" and said "perhaps I need to carry mine in a Ziploc bag". True story. Perhaps I should be riding the short bus. With a helmet - seeing as I lack the skill needed to carry a monthly pass.

If you lose or have your Presto card stolen, your balance is protected and transferred to a new card. That's fantastic.

Throughout January stood the two Presto dudes with their colour pamphlet peddling the card to those boarding at Oshawa. Jill and I decided to figure out how the card calculates fare. The pamphlet didn't help. I can't make change from a dollar let alone figure out what 87.5% of an adult one-way fare is, let alone calculate how the fare is deducted when the card is used.

Jill and I expressed our confusion to another train buddy of ours, affectionately known as Uncle. Uncle created an Excel spreadsheet for us so we could plug in the values to view how the discounts work.

For me, the best feature of this card is the fact that I can reload online, anytime. No more schlepping to the station at 11 pm at night on the last day of the month so I can avoid the 30-minute line up the next day (and miss the train). Why I can never remember to buy my pass when I am at the station only proves how focused I am at just getting off the train and getting the hell home. On a short bus. With my helmet.

GO Transit hasn't implemented a Presto fare calculator on their website and this is a huge customer service oversight. People have to understand a product to use it effectively or at least understand how it offers a discount as opposed to full fare.

UPDATE (based on comments below)
As Dan pointed out, Presto will soon replace the current paper-pass method, so it has to be comparable, and it does work like a monthly pass assuming you go to work everyday for the full working month.

And as Kary pointed out, rather than purchasing a monthly pass at a flat fee, Presto also takes into account:
a) sick days
b) vacation days

Therefore, you only pay for rides you actually take and not for the two weeks where you didn't go to work, but paid for the fare anyway through a flat monthly pass amount, because you contracted the plague (like me in December) and paid $272 for 14 days of travel (losing $41 in fare that does not carry over).

I hate paying for something I didn't use.

Download the Presto Fare Calculator spreadsheet (Updated for 2012). Key in the values where specified.

Gum chewing donkey

JSkinner writes in an email to cj@thiscrazytrain.com:

I'm on the 17:34 LSW sitting quietly and on jumps a fellow chewing gum rather vigorously. Don't get me wrong, I love chewing gum, even blowing bubbles with my kids, but this fellow must be training his jaw muscles for some sort of Guinness Book of World Records attempt at pulling a GO train with nothing but a rope clenched between his teeth.

Anyway, I am a very patient person, but the open-mouth chewing and gum popping for the past 10 minutes are really starting to get to me and I am contemplating either to move, or quietly asking the dude to chew with his mouth closed. Finally, he decides he's had enough and puts the gum discreetly into its wrapper - cue the hallelujahs ...then he immediately starts another piece with wild abandon.

Now, I'm thinking he's just doing to it to annoy me ...but then I think maybe he's given up smoking for New Year's and needs this distraction, or he's afraid of trains or whatever ...so I spend the next 5 minutes alternating between feeling sorry for the guy and wishing he was dead ...anyway we pull into Clarkson and he hauls ass off the train ...probably to have a smoke!

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I wanted to photoshop a GO nutjob pulling a GO train with some rope but you'll just have to use your imagination. Love the story.

Coal Miner's Daughter

From: Chris H.
Date: Thu, Jan 27, 2011 at 6:37 AM
Subject: for your foot rider collection
To: cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Hey CJ

I am so thrilled to find your website and impressed I can read it from my iPhone. Where have you been my whole life??? I've always said someone needs to record the shenanigans that goes on in the trains. This photo has been on my phone since this summer. I remember looking up from my book and noticed the woman in the quad over from me had her feet up and I was horrified when I stared at the bottom of her feet. I'm not sure if she walked barefoot to the station but is that not disgusting? Does she work in a coal mine??? And she's grinding them onto the seat in front of her! Keep up the great work. You made me laugh out loud!

A reader asks, "Turnip?"

From: Hank R.
Date: Sat, Jan 29, 2011 at 10:14 AM
Subject: turnip?
To: cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Hi CJ,

Just wondering why you use the word turnip alot when dissing people?

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Because I hate turnips. They're disgusting and gross. I also hate football which will explain the "dirty linebacker" references.

Is your name really Hank? Isn't that exclusive to Texas?

Well thank god them cellphones don't work down in the TTC tunnels, huh? (Letter to This Crazy Train.com)

Hey CJ

re: TTC to passengers: Don’t snap texting drivers

I just read this article in the Star about TTC drivers being caught in the act of texting while driving. WTF is going on!

Seriously, don't we have enough issues with TTC and hear more shit about it?

AND explain to me why NO ONE tells the bus driver to get off the flipping phone!

I know that when I get into a taxi cab, I always insist that he wait until he drops me off to answer his phone OR pull over, stop the meter and answer his bloody phone... IT'S NEVER AN EMERGENCY.

Remember people, these drivers have your lives in their hands.

The least they can do is wait to stop at any designated bus stop and do what they have to do OR more importantly, stay off the phone like the rest of the drivers in Ontario have to do!

Just sharing,
e