Monday, January 17, 2011

I ain't got time to bleed

The following text message came in tonight (9054420352). I've nicknamed the sender IT (for "idle threat"). My responses are in green.

IT: i think you have a photo of me on my website

what? how can i have a photo of you on your website?

IT: no, your website

which site

IT: the crazy site

IT: u need to take it down

take what down? the site? no way, man

IT: the photo

the photo you have on your site?

IT: NO, you dumb f*ck, the photo u have of me on YOUR website

do you kiss your mother with that mouth?


dude, how can i take down a photo of you when i don't know who you are

can you refresh my memory?


hey, listen, you're taking me away from this 500-piece puzzle i'm working on. according to the box, i should be done in an hour and i really don't feel like setting the egg timer again. i've already set it three times and I haven't been under an hour yet

IT: it's a photo of me sleeping. i'm trying to find it

you know, if this was important to me, i'd bookmark it, then i'd send it to the rcmp so they can trace the IP and then call in sandra bullock and isolate the server and then using GPS mapping, they can track the host and then get a warrant to subpoena the address. then the military can move in and take all the computer equipment away. that's what i'd do

then jesse ventura could show up and while he's threatening google to shut down the website, he cuts his finger on a piece of paper and when his assistant asks if he wants to visit a walk-in clinic, he says "i ain't got time to bleed" and murdoch and he get into the a-team van to hunt down the person who posted the photo

IT: are you for real

IT: you're an asshole

you sure know how to make friends

IT: i don't want to be your friend


IT: when i find the photo i'm going to email you and give you an hour to take it down

nuh-uh, i need to finish this puzzle first and you've already set me back 20 minutes

IT: i don't care. you will do what i say


IT: good


IT: ok, i will be checking in an hour

i'll be here

IT: it better be down

oh, it'll be funky. fresh even

IT: what?

i'll be waiting for that email

IT: you better

wow, you really need to work on your goodbye

IT: shut up

i can only imagine how you end a letter
For those of you who got lost on the Jesse Ventura reference, just watch this clip from the movie Predator:


Kaylaa Claudusz #Ajax said...

I wish crazy assholes would text you more. These are a total win for me.

Jamie said...

What a douche! Well done CJ - I can't wait for the Funky and Fresh version - photoshop work your majic!!

Anonymous said...

did he/she email u what photo
can u link it!?

Todd said...

I bet it was the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.

Anonymous said...


LOL!!! no doubt.

C.J. Smith said...

He did email me. And yes, I will be photoshopping the photo. Stay tuned.

(Sadly, some people just ask for it)

Gary said...

Oh goody!
I can't wait. I love the photoshops.