Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Missed Connections

It's rare I get wrong number text messages.
This gem came in last week.
RT = Random Texter
CJ = Yours Truly

RT: Sooo I'm ready for that cookie now.

CJ: Cookie?

RT: Yeh. Sorry it's Jeannie. We met last week.

CJ: Ohhh Jeannie! Sorry hun. Is chocolate chip ok?

RT: I told you I liked almond. Silly.

CJ: My bad. Sorry. It's been a long day.

RT: Are u ok?

CJ: Yeah, I'll be all right. The cops think it was all a misunderstanding anyway. There shouldn't be any charges.

RT: The cops?! WTF? What happened?

CJ: I don't want you to judge me. It's probably best I don't tell.

RT: You can tell me. How can I judge if I don't know what happened.

CJ: Good point. Okay. Here goes. Just yesterday I was walking down the street when I saw this sweet old lady who reminded me of my nana drop something on the sidewalk and roll under a parked car. I strolled up as she was starting to kneel on the pavement and said I would help her. She asked me to get her pocket watch that belonged to her dead husband that he got in the war after leading a regiment of british soldiers to safety after they dive bombed into some farmers' field or somthing to that effect. You sure you want to hear this?

RT:  Of course?!!! Keep going!

CJ: So she's telling me this and I'm lying on the ground in my Armani suit and Boss loafers and trying to shimmy myself under this car. I realize I'm going to have to try to lie on the roadway in traffic and try to get it as it's too far near the driver-side wheel. So I get up and I turn to tell her that I have to go round to the other side to get it. She stands on the edge of the curb while I wait for traffic to clear. Out of nowhere this guy shows up and asks me if I need a hand and says he'll stand in the traffic lane to keep me safe. I get down on the ground and grab the watch and when I stand back up, the guy sucker punches me, snatches the watch and books it. The lady starts screaming about the watch and I go to run after him. We run across lawns, across a park with kids playing, we jump a fence. He jumps in a pool. I jump into the pool. I caught up with him while he was trying to unlock the gate of this backyard. He knees me in the stomach. I clap him in the ears. Then the next thing I know, the guy sticks his hands down the back of his pants, makes this face and then holds his hands up and tells me the watch is in his ass.

RT: What the hell...???

CJ: I know. Who does that? So I manage to bear hug him and move myself into a position to give him a sleeper hold and tell him to push it out. While all this is going on and I'm telling him to push it out of his ass and I'm practically kneeling over him, this guy comes out onto the back porch and starts making a scene and tells us to get off his property and to get a room and then marches back inside hollering he's calling the cops. I'm yelling at him to do it and that the guy I'm hugging is a thief.

RT: Oh my god. I can't believe this.....

CJ: I know, right?! Crazy. So the cops show up while I'm practically drowning the guy by repeatedly dunking his head in the pool so he'd cough out the watch and they arrest me and this asshole.

RT: Oh my god. I'm so sorry

CJ: Yeah. But the good thing is the lady got her watch back. I told the cops to at least have the decency not to tell her where it had been.

RT: Ew. Did they clean it?

CJ: I hope so

RT: Do you have to go to court?

CJ: No

RT: Did the old lady give you a reward?

CJ: We got married

RT: .......Sorry?!!!! What?!

CJ: Yeah. I wasn't sure how to tell you so I figured I'd give you the backstory first. We're just leaving city hall now.

RT: You married the old lady?

CJ: Yes. Don't be mad.Are you mad? Say no

RT: I don't know what to say. I know I just met you. I'm just a little wierded out.

CJ: I'd still like to buy you that cookie

RT: No, it's ok. I don't need it.

CJ: Can we still be friends?

RT: I don't know.I'm just a little confused...

CJ: Do you want me to text you a pic of my wedding?

RT: No, that's ok.

CJ: Are you sure?

RT: Yeh. Well, congratulations

CJ: Thanks! She's super. She likes it when I call her nana

RT: Um. TMI.... Thanks.... Bye.


AllanVS said...

Freaking AWESOME!

Kathy said...

Wow. Amazing.

You have an incredible imagination CJ!

Skin Man said...


Shirker said...

Poor guy -- he'll never get Jeannie's cookie now.

Vanessa said...

Was that an homage to Pulp Fiction, per chance?

C.J. Smith said...

Oh man ... if there's homage to Pulp Fiction it wasn't intentional. What bit made you feel that way?

I still think the trifle missed connection text beats this one. For those who missed it, click

Vanessa said...

The mention of the pocket watch up the bum reminded me of Christopher Walken's character's monologue about a wrist watch in the same area that was passed down from generation to generation.

Kathy said...

@Vanessa - that was True Romance right?

Vanessa said...

@Kathy - Come again?

Kathy said...

@Vanessa - I was referring to the movie in which Christopher Walken delivered that monologue about his watch.

On second thought though, I think it was Catch Me If You Can and not True Romance.

Regardless, he is an amazing actor and that watch monologue is a classic :)

Vanessa said...

@Kathy - No, it's definitely Pulp Fiction.

And agreed, he is hilarious.

Xopper said...

long time listener, first time caller.
Many may thanks for that - I'm new to your blog and working my way back. I just read the "crazy text" section today and that was a mistake in The Q-Zone. I had to move downstairs, and I'm fairly sure I looked like I needed medication, urgently. If I didn't cover my mouth I would have been screaming laughing. Tears of joy, the whole 9 yards - and now its 3 hours later, and I'm still going into giggle fits. Long week - bad day - this Post turned it around. Many thanks.

C.J. Smith said...

Oh gosh
Thanks so much!