$272.25

My expectations of GO Transit and the Gong Show that is usually the morning commute has increased three-fold now that I have learned it will now cost me $272.25 for a monthly pass.

Drunk

Roll into Oshawa on the 8:13 train. Two drunks stumble out & stagger to van. Both get in. I call 911. Told to stall them by asking for directions & creating a distraction. 8-9 minutes later a cruiser shows up & finds us in the lot. I say the cops are here & the friend bolts from the van. The driver fumbles to start the van & proclaims, "The cops?! I better get outta here. I shouldn't be driving!" Drama. I has it.

Flatulence

The woman next to me on the 6:43 express train to Rouge Hill just coughed and blew a massive fart at the same time. No, you stay in your seat lady and cook your dutch oven. I don't want to smell what you've been baking... that's right ... you stay.

Bag

I'm going to beat this woman with her own bag if she jams it into my head one more time. I realize there are no seats left in this train but have you seen the size of some of these Coach monstrosities?! It's luggage. Put it down!

Three hens

These are three ladies who can't shut up. Ever. Listen for the cackle.

Fat

Don't sit next to me fat man. Share the wealth elsewhere. Ya, that's right... you go sit over there. I have enough wealth, thank ya very much.

Shut Up

I'm sharing a train compartment with several other riders who, like myself, are plotting how we can toss this woman from Whitby off the train because she WON'T SHUT UP. So far we've learned her cat's been neutered, she supports the TTC, her kid sucks at karate, her washer broke, she feels bad for the air force and tonight, she's making pasta.

Skunk

The guy sitting next to me on the train smells like skunk. Super.

Update> By the time we pulled into Union Station, the guy in front of me had resorted to breathing through his blackberry case, I had wrapped my scarf around my head and the people behind us held a discussion about tomato juice and that incident at the cottage with the dog ... and STILL the guy didn't get it.

Owl

The guy next to me's iPhone's ring tune is the sound of an owl hooting. He probably thinks it's cute. One day, a hawk will swoop down and take his iPhone, than he'll realize ... oh yes ... then he'll realize ...

Air Drummer

I'm riding the crazy train with a white Oshawa-type dude in a hoodie (even has the business in the front/party in the back look totally nailed) who thinks he's the best air drummer on the planet!

Fight

Rode the crazy train home 2night. One man objected to how loud a woman was talking on her cell. It escalated to a fight between the 2 of them. Then this other dude joined in & a fistfight started. As this was going down, girlie never ended her call but kept asking those of us on the train to call 911. I got up & moved ...to another car. There's other things in life to get worked up about & that just wasn't it for me.

Idle

Disappointed in those who idle in the train parking lot when it's plus 1. Really? You need your car running to put on makeup? Bang up job on saving the air there, donkeys.

Lard

I realize I'm no beanpole myself but why do supersized dudes cram their lard next to me on the train and *must* rest their treetrunk guns on me. Bugger off fat man.

Overheard snow tire conversation

"So I had to go over to my in-laws and use their garage to put snow tires on my wife's Jeep last night," says man to his friend.
"Did you put them on your car, too?" asks his friend.
"No," says the man, laughing.
"Real men don't need snow tires".

Celine Dion

Dude in a suit across from me on the train is listening to Celine Dion at full volume. Is it disturbing that I recognize her music? Yes, yes it is. OMG, now he's swaying back and forth! Cue lighter ...

Pen

Can't stand it when people click their pens open and shut continuously on the train. Can I stab this lady in the hand with her pen or am I just having a bad day!?

Lady Lumps

The lady on the train across from me needs to hide her lady lumps.

Loveseat

Her boobs were so big, it looked like she had a loveseat strapped to her chest!

It ain't winter

Thinks all of you wearing fall jackets and winter coats on the train this morning are out of your goddamn minds. It's cooler, sure, but it ain't winter.

$50

Dropped a fifty note and a dude hunted me down at Union Station to give it back to me! Wow!