Friday, April 30, 2010

Bag ridin' on Lakeshore West

Submitted by Anna who writes, "this bag wasn't giving up its seat for nobody".

Thursday, April 29, 2010


How to describe this tattoo ...?
Well ...
It's not something I'd put on my body but it says "F**k the man" and is accompanied by a drawing of a dice and a fist.

Now, surely Sue finds this amusing, because all I know is that I was nearly peeing myself from laughing from looking at the photo just now.

On the train this morning, out of Oshawa, dude was lost in a world of Metallica on his iPod and much to the delight of those around him, he decided to sing along. Loudly.

Enter Sandman indeed.


The woman beside me has managed so far to moisturize, prime, foundation and powder her face and has been working on her eyes since we left Whitby.

Everytime the train sways, she keeps muttering 'jesus christ' under her breath.

Call me crazy, but I think those of us who put our makeup on at home are onto something. Just a hunch ...

I would never want to do something so delicate on a train that would leave me angry enough to pump a mascara wand so aggressively like that girl we all knew back in high school who was popular with the boys for all the wrong reasons.


Wednesday, April 28, 2010



In the quad where I'm sitting, the woman sleeping across from me in the window seat is busily sawing logs which two other ladies and I have been occasionally giggling over.

Perhaps one of us should aggressively bang her headrest a few times (and thus, scare the crap out of her) since this is an acceptable way to deal with similar minor annoyances according to some riders.

As we were pulling into Union, the woman awoke and asked the lady beside her if she had been snoring. When she told her she had, the woman apologized.

Civility. Take note.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Guest Post. Doors

by Jeff H.

So it's last calls for the doors at Stouffville and this woman books it only to get her purse caught in the doors. You can see her purse on the outside and the straps on the inside but the doors are tightly shut and I guess the sensor couldn't pick up on it.

In a panic, and also a really dumb move, she tugs and tugs until her strap broke (this despite me trying to be all Superman-like and pry the doors open for her) and boom! her purse falls to the ground.

Again, in a panic, she slaps the emergency strip thinking the train will come to a screeching stop but of course, that's not what happens and as we keep moving she's now in hysterics. I'm thinking: Wow! Lady, get a grip. Surely even if it's a pain, the contents can be replaced!

Long story short we get to Markham and the Go guy shows up and she leaps off the train saying she has to get a taxi and get her bag.

That was way too much drama over a purse. Maybe it's because I'm a guy but it was really over the top.

Bag riding. You're doing it wrong.

Submitted by Amanda. Snapped today on the 5:20 Lakeshore East.

The lady in all black holding her Blackberry actually tucked her bag under her seat. What's that about? You mean, people actually do that?


Monday, April 26, 2010


This morning I did something I've never done before.
I wore jewelery to work. And not just any jewelery, but bracelets -three bangle-style bracelets.

On the train, I have a bad habit of playing with my hair. I like to twirl locks around a finger as I watch the landscape go by.

Apparently, since I had tuned it out, the jangle of my bracelets was driving the lady behind me to desperately search for a flask of vodka, or possibly a baseball bat.

Instead of turning around and politely asking me to refrain from moving my hand, she pounded the back of my headrest which scared the shit out of me and of course, I had to ask if everything was okay.

She replied that my bracelets were too loud and starting to get on her nerves.

Wow. Eh? Just wow.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


I'm probably stupid to do this but tomorrow, I'm going to wear my new and very white Spring jacket on the train. Why? Because I look pretty damn sharp in it. And I'm crazy. Get it? No, really. Get it?

Those seats better be clean.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Shout Out

Julie sent this in to me tonight.

I don't read the T.O. Night evening newspaper, although I do get hollered at a lot by their newsies every night as I make my way to Union Station, but there's this section called "Shout Outs" and it mostly contains emails from TTC and GO Train commuters slamming other passengers.

Apparently the submission highlighted in red caught Julie's ire. She writes, "If the 2-hour ride we all do everyday was free then sure, we should all just smile and suck it up, but I pay $272.50 for a monthly pass, which is twelve dollars more than my car payment, meaning I pay $522.50 a month just to bust my ass to make it to work. So Mr. Cheer here needs to realize when you're dropping that kind of dough it's perfectly acceptable for GO Transit passengers to expect some civility and common courtesy. Most of us have stressful jobs and can't retreat to the private comfort of a car after work, so we're forced to relax in the company of strangers. To ask people to be quiet and not laugh and carry on like it's $2 drink night at some college bar is perfectly reasonable."

You know what? Julie's point is the very reason why I started this blog. Most of us logistically can't drive into work each day and many of us don't want to due to parking and fuel costs, as well as doing our part to reduce our carbon footprint, so we do have to share space with others in this effort.

All I ever want is a nice quiet ride in and home without feeling shoved into my seat because the guy next to me wants to stretch out sideways or cramped due to someone's three purses and added lunch bag forcing me to bend my legs inwards for the next 50 minutes.

It's a reasonable request. Get your feet off the seats. Keep your voice down. Learn to carry one bag. Keep your purse to yourself. Listen to your iPod at a reasonable volume. Don't snap your gum. Don't eat Cinnabons right at the dinner hour sending others into a carb-crazy Cookie Monster ravenous hunger. Don't tell everyone your life story at a volume that could be heard from space. Don't rest your hands on the back of the headrest so that your knuckles dig into my scalp. Don't fart. Don't cough into people's faces and we'll get along just fine.


Foot rider

The foot rider is a cousin of the bag rider.
Like the bag rider, they travel alone and often can be found occupying the window seat on most GO trains.

Scientists believe that foot riders find it perfectly acceptable to go to bed - under the covers - in the shoes they walked all over downtown Toronto in. All the scientists I interviewed (such as my sister) can't think of any other reason why these ignorant turnips find the practice of putting their dirty and scummy feet on seats people pay good money to sit on remotely okay.

Thanks to Sammy J. for sending in the photo.


Woman in red: That was quick.

Said to man next to her who had gotten up, entered the large bathroom available on the newer cars and then walked out seconds later.

He said: Oh my god, that bathroom smells like death took a dump in it and didn't leave.

Rolling along in my personal living room

Unless you got some baby wipes in that bag of yours and you wiped off your sneakers before you made that seat your personal footstool, keep your dirt to yourself. Because some of us pay for a pass that is as much as a car payment, we expect cleanliness. You dirty turnip.

Photos submitted by Brian
Comments by Yours Truly

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Oh, I'll write about it ...

Some dude coughed all up in my face as he stood near the stairs where I was sitting to exit the Go train tonight. I've ingested Purell and will be bathing in it later.

We exchanged words. I had to. Unacceptable!


Gasp! You mean ... We're not alone?

Full story (Toronto Star)

Thanks to Angela for the link!


Yesterday, on the 5:20, I tried to snap a photo of this woman who was going to paint her finger nails. Yes, she had the nail polish ready, but the train was rocking too much that all I got was an LSD-like blur and she realized it probably wasn't a good idea.

Then all of a sudden, she says to the woman she's with who I gathered is a co-worker, "There's this website I found when I was looking up Go Transit stuff. It's a woman who writes about people on the train. It's called Crazy Train. I'll send you the link."

Little did she know ...

PS ... You see that Facebook badge? Don't get too excited. As a graphic designer, I tend to photoshop the crap out of myself. I know. Sorry.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Okay folks. Gather round my safety circle for a minute. I want to talk to you about grooming and the nasty crap some of you jokers do on trains.

Stop picking your dandruff with your nails and then smelling it. If it's really that bad, send away for a mail order monkey or invest in some better shampoo.

Don't clean your ears with a pen and then examine your wax in front of me. I have enough candles. Thanks.

Don't chew the skin around your nails and then spit out what you just landscaped.

File your nails at your kitchen table. While your family is eating. Let me know how that works out for you.

Look, I get that you have bacne (acne on the shoulders and back) but don't subject me to your show and tell. The grossest thing anyone can ever do on public transit is pop a zit and then examine what was delivered.

Yes, you have dry lips. Pick at them while you're in your car driving home. There's nothing worse than watching someone flick their snakeskin onto the floor.

Don't even think about clipping your nails in front of me or near me.

And lastly, a credit card is not how your dentist wants you to floss.

You dirty linebackers.

A whole new level of awesomeness

I tell you, this blog is a gift that just keeps on giving. Why? Because readers like you send in photos like this.

This lounge turnip was snapped by a Crazy Train reader Wednesday morning.

I guess he figured it was more sanitary if he simply took his shoes off and rested his rank feet on the seat. Oh, and God forbid his bag touch the floor. Not only is he rolling in his private living room, he's guilty of "bag riding".

This turnip figured he could justify it all by disappearing inside his Tilley hat. If he can't see anyone, they won't notice him airing his foot beauty for all to see and smell.

Here's a closeup:

Breathtaking, I know.


Oh good God. I'm sitting with my back to a couple where the GF is riding her BF over the fact that he didn't PVR Glee for her last night, how she told him 59 times, how if it was one of his shows he'd remember, etc.
Ok, I've had enough...
So I turned around and politely interrupted them and told the woman she can watch every episode online on Global TV's website.
Jesus. Let it go.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Your gum ...

... won't be the only thing snapping if you don't stop.


I saw what you had in your little baggie this morning because I don't know many people who carry their own spice rack around.

Oregano, indeed.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Bag riders - your photos

So I've seem to hit a nerve with others who really hate people who place their bags on seats while a train is at the station and passengers are boarding. I agree with Matt that there's no harm in the practice once the train is moving and everyone is seated, but to do this while people are getting on the train is just rude.

Marly writes that she's irritated it's always people who put their bags on the seats near the window forcing her to ask people to move their belongings.

Snapped on the Barrie train

Snapped on the Milton train

The end of crazy

You know those old Bell commercials where the guy is surfing and he gets that message, "You have reached the end of the internet"? Well, I've reached the end of crazy.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can top what I just saw.

This woman just changed her kid's dirty poopy diaper on the seat opposite of me while I'm waiting for the 5:10 train to fill with people. Right on the seat. On the train. No towel. No sanitary measures taken.

And before you bark, I'm a mom and I've had to change a few dirty diapers in my time and I am aware there is no change table in the bathrooms of the GO train, but changing my kid's diaper on a public train is something I would never do.

What about you? Is it wrong of me to feel grossed out? There are other trains and there are change tables in the washrooms inside Union Station. She had options.



Just some advice for the Oshawa crowd. If, for whatever reason, it's your lucky day and the doors re-open after they've been closed and you missed your first opportunity, don't blow your 2nd opportunity by running to the next coach. You're late. Learn to recognize a break.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Mail bag - again!

Nick from Oakville writes, "Clickable pens should be banned on all trains".

I totally agree! There's nothing like listening to this sound the whole fricking train ride!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Mail bag

I'm on hiatus today and tomorrow but others are more than happy to help Dial Up The Crazy.

Tashia rides in on the Barrie line.

Here's her shout out:

"I had a guy clipping his nails sitting next to me. One flew into my lap. So I picked it up and threw it at his lap. He turned a few shades of red. Like really? Do that s--t at home in your bathroom, not on a public train!"

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Sleepin' Hardcore

Must have been one hell of a day, buddy.


Note how far away I am sitting from this dude (with a big finger pointing at him). I could hear the music from his iPod loud and clear. Interesting playlist I have to say ... Black Eye Peas, The guy that sang "Electric Avenue" and some AC/DC. I made an attempt to record what I heard from my vantage point so you can understand how loud the volume was. I don't know how useful the recording is but halfway through it you can hear his music.

Many people find such a loud volume annoying. I find it downright scary. I'm a victim of premature hearing loss due to the unacceptable volume levels I listened to my Walkman at when I was a teenager.

Take some advice from a woman whose only in her mid-thirties. Turn it down.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Bag rider of the week

When: Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Boarded Train at: 7:49 am Oshawa
Length of time bag rode on seat: Until Ajax
Accompanied by: Black Jacket
Removed: When the seat was the only one available and a rider asked for the bag to be removed with a polite, but curt, "Excuse me".

Evidence shown below.

Hey, how about we make your bag more comfortable for the morning ride? Here's a bottle of Coke.

And for when it gets hungry, here's some peanuts.

And for when it gets bored, here's an iPod and some funky headphones.

There you go. Now you just relax ... shhh, don't talk. Just let me look at you.

Reader photo submission - NYC rider plucks chin hairs on commuter train

From Liz via my Facebook account. This is a whole new level of awesomeness. Swear to God.


Do I tell the dude sitting across from me his zipper is undone and I can see his Daffy Duck boxers, or do I try to snap a picture?

Okay so I didn't take a photo.

He's now lapsed into a coma.

Oh well.


Just a shout out.
I can tell from this morning that the platform construction nonsense is starting to get old for most of you.

Be strong.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Comfort Zone

Gee CJ, what's going on in this photo you took on the 5:10 this evening?

Well, I Ride This Crazy Train reader, I am so glad you asked!

The guy hunched over his BlackBerry is leaned over very far in his seat. Far enough over that he's annoying the crap out of the guy trying to read his newspaper.

It's an awkward photo angle but at one point, Blackberry dude was practically text messaging over Newspaper Dude's crotch which was beginning to make Newspaper Dude very angry.

There was a lot of audible sighing from Newspaper Dude.

See, if this was me, I would have accidentally elbowed Blackberry dude in the balls as I leaned over and pretended to pick up my pretend earring that fell out of my ear.

Everybody has a personal comfort zone on the train (some call it their safety circle). Stay out of mine. And especially Newspaper Dude's.


Why did I choose a seat near the bathroom?

Gah!!!!!!!! Blech, moses!

Jump in at any time here if you know what that smell is or what they put in the bathroom on the trains as a deodorizer.


I've got some guy here sitting on the opposite aisle who thinks he's Maverick from Top Gun who I *know* is staring at me for whatever reason from behind his Aviator shades. I know he's not sleeping.

I spent 10 minutes thinking of what I could do to gross him out.
So I picked my nose AND looked at my finger. My nose was clean but he didn't know that.

Yeah, that's right. You look away.

You dirty linebacker Maverick-wannabe.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Over the shoulder

This woman standing next to where I'm sitting is trying hard as hell to read what I'm typing but that's nothing compared to what's really exciting about this train ride. Not a single person is talking! It's a level of awesomeness I simply can't describe.

I swear to God, it's quiet enough in here to hear the crickets in Tiger Woods' head in that new Nike commercial where his father rises from the dead and predicts six more weeks of winter.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Tonight on the 7:17 pm (what the hell? what was wrong with 7:13?!) there was a guy mad sketching beside me who eventually lapsed into a coma.

All of you jokers owe me big time for the gymnastics I had to pull to get a shot of this masterpiece.

I changed seats and then positioned my phone over my head so I could snap a pic while he dozed in the seat behind me. (Click the image to enlarge it in a new window).

I don't know what the hell it's supposed to be.

The first thing I thought of were genital warts. Crying over a flower. And a really bad acne problem.

Christmas baby jesus miracle

The train was on time this morning! I was so desperate to celebrate that I made sure to angle my handbag just right so that I smacked the shoulder of every person sitting in an aisle seat as I bolted off the train.

Ahhh, sweet, sweet revenge.

(I didn't really do that but I did fantasize about it, kind of like how Ralphie fantasizes about the essay he plans to write about the Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle BB Gun he wants for Christmas in that movie that plays a gazillion times over Christmas and his teacher waltzes around the classroom writing A+ A+ A+++ everywhere).

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Dead battery

I killed my battery tonight snapping photos of silly turnips risking life and limb crossing Bay Street near the Go Transit Teamway bridge (just way too risky at dusk, in the rain, and in dark clothing) and my charger is at the office, so updates for tomorrow morning's Oshawa 7:53 westbound train to Toronto's Union Station will be delayed by 55 minutes. I apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause.

Thank you for reading I Ride This Crazy Train.

Wet feet ...

Don't belong on the seat in front of you. You dirty turnip.

Dear Sick Fellow Passengers

Look, I love you all. You're a great source of entertainment but you've got to start taking better care of yourselves. I'm sitting here at Ajax delayed while an ambulance comes to save you.
Hey, I'm being cool about it even tho signal problems caused me to be 45 minutes late for work yesterday and today, I'll once again have to stay late at work to make up the time and lose another evening to spend with my daughter.
Just make sure you stay home tomorrow.


Dear God! Can someone please turn the heat off in this coach?
It feels like 35C in here.
Can't breathe... can't ... must ... try ... oh shut up Tom... just find the friggin thermostat button and kick it. That's how you can be my customer service ambassador this morning!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


The two teens who are groping each other the next aisle over is all the more amusing seeing as the boy keeps trying to hide the fact that he's 'pitched a tent'.

Sucks to be you

Flip flops, tank top and short shorts on a day like today?
Yes, you're a dumbass.

Please stop telling the whole train how cold you are. I'm pretty sure most don't care.

You asked, "Like, what's up with this weather?" 20 times. Give it a rest, sister.

And because of signal problems, we all had to listen to you for an hour and a half.

Thanks for a fantastic train ride in!

Monday, April 5, 2010


That is not how I eat crackers. Ew.

Trust me, you don't wanna know.

Okay ... twist my arm.

It's the guy right beside me and it's a box of Swiss Cheese Flavoured Crackers. The crackers themselves have little holes in them.

He's ... well ... he's licking each one before he pops it into his mouth.

And I mean really licking them - back and front. Licking them clean...

Mrs. Bag Rider

You can do this after 7:13pm and before the morning rush but not on the express trains, and don't be such an ass (sighing loudly/making a big dramatic production over moving it) when someone politely asks you to move it so they can sit. Unless you bought a ticket for your bag, keep it in your lap.

Care Bear stare

Should I be concerned about the old dude who has spent the last ten minutes staring at the Emergency Equipment Location poster?

Maybe he wants find that pick-axe and saw I've been writing about.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


I've managed to make it to Pickering without losing my marbles over the chick next to me who absolutely made sure to shove her jacket, sweater, bag, book and water bottle between herself and me and has lounged for the whole ride like I'm her personal La-Z-Boy.


I swear the woman across from me is speaking klingon in her conversation with Spock on her cell.
She even looks the part.

Chapstick man

It appears Chapstick man got the job because I saw him this morning and only had a short wait before he pulled out his lusty wand and moisturized those pretty lips.



The gentleman next to me needs a tv table so he can read his newspaper. His lap is too small so he's hooked a leg over and of course, has invaded my safety circle.
And I agree that the lady three rows over needs to use her inside voice.
I like how she was told by the woman in red.