Tuesday, May 31, 2011

This takes laziness to a whole new level

Text message from 905660XXXX
To 9054427423
11:59:04 AM

Hey CJ, what up?
Last night I took the 10:13 on the LSE to head to Whitby and while on the platform, this guy went 'round the glass enclosure for the stairs down to Bay Street where he had a smoke and took a piss at the same time. I was fumbling for my iPhone to record this cretin when he caught my eye and asked me what I was looking at. He said, and I quote, "Haven't you seen a dick before?" I put my phone back in my purse and walked off. What a douche.

From 9054427423
To 905660XXXX
12:14:23 PM

C'mon ... ewww.
I would have answered (while squinting real hard at his crotch), "Sorry, what dick?" And then I would have mumbled about having to fetch my reading glasses from my purse.

Text message from 905660XXXX
To 9054427423
12:29:16 PM

Oh man, I don't have that kind of nerve. I would need to drink a whole bottle of rum before I could summon that kind of liquid courage. Honestly though, he's peeing (and smoking!) on a public platform! I'm not supposed to be startled or stunned?

From 9054427423
To 905660XXXX
12:34:13 PM

I'm stunned that he asked you about his penis. Reminds me of a time when I was out clubbing and this guy came up to me and asked me if I wanted to dance. I crouched down a bit to meet his eyes and said, "No thanks, they're tired."

Text message from 905660XXXX
To 9054427423
12:35:56 PM

Ha ha, but how does that relate to me looking at him pee? Are you suggesting I was thirsty?

From 9054427423
To 905660XXXX
12:36:42 PM

What?! Good god woman! No! I just wanted to tell that story!

Text message from 905660XXXX
To 9054427423
12:37:39 PM

LOL. Okay. Hope you publish my story!

Tickets pleazzz zzz zzz

Paul M. sent in this video found on YouTube.

Must have been a long day!


Yeah, so a big thank you to the donkeys yesterday afternoon on the 3:13 Union-Oshawa for waking me up from my coma as we pulled into Oshawa.

The train was packed. Most of you were heading to the 'Shwa, I'm sure of it.

I rarely fall asleep on the train but I've had a tough four days being sick and haven't been sleeping well. I admit I was exhausted. I managed to wake up on my own when the CSA yelled that it was 5 minutes to departure on what was now a westbound train back to Union Station.

Not a single person poked me awake. I'm sure of it. I was mad as all hell, because I always make it a point to wake people up.

Y'all suck. Y'all lazy and all your space ARE BELONG TO ME!

I should have set the alarm on my Blackberry but I don't even remember drifting off. I don't *plan" to sleep.

I'm over it now.

I think.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Even the seeing impaired haul ass to get to the parking lot first

I love this video.
I can watch it over and over.
Thanks to Liz for sending me the link.

GO Train Madness from Ryan West on Vimeo.

Spit, polish and two bits?

Email from

Hello neighbour!
I was waiting at Union Station this morning to board my train to Aldershot when I encountered a young woman polishing her stiletto patents with a McDonalds napkin and her own saliva while hiding behind the staircase near the Pretzel stand.
Is there a reason why she couldn't do this in the washroom. With water? Sorry, no photo. Perhaps you can sketch the scene with one of your stick figure drawings?

Absolutely! Check out the hot mess below.

Not funny

I mulled all morning over whether I should write about this or even share it. It's just too disturbing that someone would think to pull such a stunt.

I realize that when you put a mobile number online, you open yourself up to people with sick and twisted minds but so far, I haven't had an issue. No psycho phone calls, no harrassing texts or emails - just the usual "haters gonna hate", nothing more.

So this morning, I got a text message from someone asking for help. Turns out, it was a joke.
I won't disclose the situation, or what was written, but I didn't react right away and after some probing (and a phone call from a landline where I pretended to be a dental clinic calling to confirm an appointment), the truth came out.

Pretending your life is in danger is not funny to me.

So where does one go from here? If you're reading this, I'm open to an apology. Email is fine.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I'm the transit version of a help line

Text message from 416808XXXX
To 9054427423
11:29:14 PM 5-27-11

Well this is a perfect end to what was a long day at work! I'm on the 11:13 with a bunch of assholes and one of them just vomited all over the aisle. They think this is hilarious. They're just a bunch of kids. I think only one of them is 19. On a seat beside them is a box of Coors Light. Can you bring open alcohol on the train? I've considered pressing the strip because I think they should all be tossed off but I don't want problems. I'm not saying you're the GOD of transit but what would you do in this situation?

Text message from 9054427423
To 416808XXXX
11:34:47 PM 5-27-11

Press the strip.

Text message from 416808XXXX
To 9054427423
11:35:02 PM 5-27-11

Okay. You sure? I don't want to make this ride longer for people.

Text message from 9054427423
To 416808XXXX
11:36:27 PM 5-27-11

Do what the Lord tells you.

Text message from 416808XXXX
To 9054427423
11:52:16 PM 5-27-11

They got off at Ajax.

Text message from 9054427423
To 416808XXXX
11:53:00 PM 5-27-11

What about the vomit?

Text message from 416808XXXX
To 9054427423
11:57:17 PM 5-27-11

One of the guys took off his shirt and wiped most of it and then he threw his shirt in the trash on the platform. I'm so glad they got off at Ajax.

Text message from 9054427423
To 416808XXXX
11:58:11 PM 5-27-11

Is there anything more I can do for you my child?

Text message from 416808XXXX
To 9054427423
11:59:03 PM 5-27-11

Nope. Just glad you were there when I needed you.

I'm sorry I dropped my beverage on you. Well, not really ...

Text message from 416807XXXX
To 9054427423

After a very long day... I am finally on my way home on the goat train... Yes I said goat... And the chick beside me who has been slopping her chops the past 25 minutes with her big mac and fries just knocked her entire bottle of ice water onto my lap... She made no effort to help me clean up, no offer of a napkin. Just a surly look and a quickly muttered, "sorry". My pants are off-white in colour and soaked. Thankfully, I have a pashmina for a coverup.

Text message from 9054427423
To 416807XXXX

Would have grabbed her beverage container, waltzed to the bathroom, filled it with the water marked as "undrinkable" and offered it back to her saying, "Here's a top-up".
Note. If you can't manage a full meal on a train without having it land on someone, perhaps you should stick with granola bars.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Short term memory loss. You should have that looked at

Submitted by Matt

GOstapo checking tickets this morning at Bramalea prior to the 7:30 and 7:38 trains leaving. No problem, right? Wrong.

They set up a barricade at the stairs going under the tracks to the platforms and several people just didn't see them and were forcibly stopped on the stairs while these two officers inspected tickets. The rest of us coffee-and-umbrella carrying commuters had to find a third hand to fish in bags/pockets for our passes. Bad choice of days for an inspection, and even worse choice of location.

The GOstapo then proceeded to get on the 7:38 train and check tickets again...we had barely gotten to Malton and the same two enforcement officers were asking to see my monthly pass again!

Can they not coordinate this any more efficiently?
Because of this guy:

Visions of opening the emergency exit window and engaging in a game of "laptop frisbee" does enter my mind when reading this

From: LP

My "seatmate" on the train last night was using his laptop to make telephone calls "through Google". His rationale to his friend: "I'm on the train anyway, so why not?"

He had no external mic just the built-in one on his laptop. Naturally he was shouting, but happily. The call kept dropping as we changed cellular towers. So then he pulled out his cell phone to complete the call. Which he also lost. Sigh.

Ahhh, spring ...

From: LP

I was gazing out the window on the LSW last evening when I saw a guy vigorously humping his girl behind one of the strip malls between Oakville and Bronte.
I sure hope it was *just* humping! Ewww ...

Today needs some parking donkeys!

These aren't even vehicles, in my opinion, worth the desire to "protect". I park my leased vehicle in the Oshawa GO lot like a normal person everyday and have done so for the past 3 and half years and have no door dings. None that I can see with my naked eye. I don't know if this is laziness or on purpose. If it's on purpose, perhaps these paranoid donkeys should ride the bus.

- Submitted, Langstaff GO

- Submitted, Oakville overflow

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

All your space are belong to me

Rode the 5:10 last night.

Sat up in the upper level.

Sat a quad over from a woman who did a little shopping at the Eaton Centre I presumed.

Bags on every seat. Train fills. People, some rudely, ask if the seats are taken.

One woman gives her a dirty look. The bag lady says to the hairy eyeball lady, "Can't you sit somewhere else?"

The lady says, "This is the 5:10 express train and it's full. It's not a subway."

The bag lady looks around. People are standing. She sighs and puts all her bags under the seats.

Watching her, I was reminded of an internet meme that surfaced back in 2000. It was a flash video based on a catchphrase, "all your base are belong to us", lifted from a video game.

All I kept thinking was "all your space are belong to me".

Here's the video. Imagine it with pictures of bag riders. My bag riders. Soon, I promise.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

5:41 a.m. war paint

Lovingly penned by Brent in Barrie


Don't know what it is about that train - perhaps the ungodly hour - but I've been subjected to 3 different women doing full application of their makeup 3 times now in the past two weeks.

The thing is, I don't even regularly take this train. I'm a 7:18am semi-regular, I only go in on the first train if my workload gets so heavy I have to get in early.

I don't brush my teeth or shave on the train, why do others seem to think it perfectly acceptable to do their personal grooming in full view of others?

I thought of taking pictures but that would be unfair to the privacy of the women involved, and frankly I'm not that big a prick. But a public shaming might be nice.
Yes, it has to be the ungodly hour!
It's gotta be a killer to get up at 5am to make a 5:41 am train and maybe these women haven't perfected the art of 10-minute makeup.
I personally don't understand why it can't wait until they get into work but I suspect this is how some women kill time.

Man, you're a nice dude but at the same time it's hard to take a photo of someone face painting and make it unrecognizable.

C'mon, I told 12 people? No way ...

I told two, tops!

Results from the last poll:

How did you learn about the Crazy Train?
I was googling bathroom sex on GO trains 20 (14%)

Other Google search: 55 (39%)

A co-worker: 34 (24%)

You told me: 12 (8%)

Through someone on the train/bus: 20 (14%)
Votes: 141

New poll question to be posted this afternoon! I know you're excited. Just simmer down, y'heard?

Ajax gets more parking ... sort of ...

Here's the official email from GO:

Ajax GO Passengers: As demand for parking at your station grows, on May 24th a new parking will open for use. Located south of the existing south lot, with access from O'Brien Crt, this new lot will provide parking relief by adding 300 new parking spots and will be connected to the existing south lot via an access road and pedestrian walkways.
This new lot will not only be available during the construction of your new parking structure but it will continue to remain in service even when this new structure is in place. To relieve traffic congestion with the increased vehicular capacity, there will be some changes to the two access routes into and out of the existing lot. The north access point on to Westney Rd. will permanently close, and the traffic gates to Fairall St. will close Mon - Fri between 4pm-7pm with access into and out of the lot via O’Brien Crt or the south access way onto Westney Rd.
We thank you for your patience during these infrastructure improvements.

And here's how it went for one person:

So the new parking lot was supposed to be open this morning. They put new lights just south of the lot and the idea is you turn left at that light, it will take you to the new lot and the access road which takes you to the old (south) lot where I park. Well I went to turn left at those new lights this morning but couldn't because the left lane was blocked off with pilons. So I kept going straight and all the exits were blocked off with big trucks!! OMG when are they going to get it together???!!!! Honestly, is everyone a complete moron who designs these new lots etc?
Another issue I believe is they are going to be blocking the exits off the older lot from 4-7 pm so that now everyone in both lots will have to exit out at the lights. That means two entire lots will have only ONE exit. who comes up with this SH*T??!!!!

This guy:

Friday, May 20, 2011

Do you mind if I park here? Great, thanks ...

- Snapped at the Clarkson Go station by SR

I hope this person isn't a brain surgeon

- Snapped at the Oakville GO station by "533"

I can watch this all day. "Haters gonna hate". Thanks Isabel!

Backgound here

Does a rolling laptop bag count as a disability?

No, but having super-tight underwear apparently does.

I can't come up with any other reason why so many people who seem physically able to manage stairs would need to take the accessibility elevator.

Yes, I realize that not all disabilities are readily noticeable but the guy on the elevator with the rolling laptop bag probably can manage to carry it down the stairs.

- Thanks to "647" for the photo.

It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday ... everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend! Partying, partying - yeah! Fun, fun, fun ...

I don't know what the hell Rebecca Black is doing this weekend but I'll be painting my kitchen. I've had enough of sage green and I'm looking forward to some cranberry red! All I know is that it's going to be a back-breaking session of hard work, complete with a 6-year-old eager to help (make a mess, I mean) and a husband who high-tailed it to some lake near North Bay to fish. Smart man.

I also want to take this opportunity to clear the air, especially for people who haven't been following along for as long as others. This site, for all intent and purposes, was never meant to hurt anyone, single anyone out or be a "virtual bully" as one person wrote in email. If you can't see the humor in it, why are you even reading? There are tons of feel-good-Jesus-loves-you-kumbaya websites out there, so move along. I don't force anyone to agree with me and I don't force anyone to participate. I expected negativity but to take the time to email to voice your displeasure confuses me. If you don't like it, why care? I'm serious. Who polices the internet? Certainly not you.

Being a fan of this site is no different than being a fan of a certain type of music. I'm not into bands like Korn and Pantera but I don't show up at one of their concerts with a note telling them they suck and ask them to quit the business. I just don't pay money to see them and I don't buy their music.

I appreciate the time and effort it has taken each hater to write the emails sent voicing his or her disapproval but it's all fallen on deaf ears. I like writing. I like the Hulk. I like engaging in psycho text messages with other people. I love comedy. I like trying to find humor in just about everything.

I ain't changing.

Now take it away Rebecca!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Parking Donkeys - A pictorial by yours truly

Sumeet sent in the following photo of this parking superstar at the Meadowvale GO station:

Are you curious about how the driver got the hole smashed into his rear bumper?

Me too!

Here's the story how I imagine it:

The End.

And you all thought only *I* was obsessed with parking assholes

Checkout this website.

Who's Ray Finkle now, huh? Whoever runs this site is super anal. If one driver's tire even remotely touches the dividing line, the whole world comes to an end!

All aboard the souless train

This text message came in this morning from Larry who took the 8:25 Oshawa to Union LSE.

Hi. I am so angry right now. Sitting here on the second coach from the front of the car. Was with a woman who has gone off to complain to the CSA about a seeing-impaired man accompanied by his dog.

She got up in a huff because she's deathly allergic to dogs as she announced to the WHOLE car and chastized the man for bringing the dog onto the train during rush hour. When he wouldn't answer her, she asked him if he was deaf as well. I've never encountered someone so ignorant and selfish! I also think she's a daytripper as I've never seen her before. I haven't seen this man before but that's besides the point. He has every right to be here as much as her! I spoke up real harsh and told her to get her ass out of this coach before I pushed her out and she yelled back: Fine! I'll just go complain.

I told her to move and she said she shouldn't have to move and that the blind man should move to the accessibility to car because, and I quote, "that's where the handicapped people belong".

When she left, I went over to the guy and apologized for the woman. He just held out a hand as if to say: it's cool man. As we got to Union, I asked him if he needed help to the Concourse and he politely said: no. I felt real bad for the guy. Can you believe some people!?
Sadly, yes.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Great gods of kittens! 16 hours? On a celly? You know a celebration broke out for sure once the train got rolling again

A few people have emailed in to let me know about a story from the States about a woman removed from an Amtrack train (similiar to VIA) for talking loudly on her cellphone and for 16 hours straight. 16 hours!!!

Full story online at or you can just watch the report below.

Thanks to CFS, KM, FJ, LT, and BC for the heads-up.

I write one post about sausage and this comes in ...

From: Kxxxx Rxxx
Date: Tue, May 17, 2011 at 11:41 PM
Subject: Shout Out

My bologna has a first name it's B-O-L-O-G-N-A.
Love you Tony!
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that Tony's last name is Bologna. Just a hunch.

Background here

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Throw your dollar store chicken in the trash when you're done, m'kay?

JSkinner writes:

I'm on the 14:43 LSW ... as the train approached Exhibition, I noticed a strange, sickly smell... I looked down and found this on the seat next to me. I was distracted when I first boarded and hadn't noticed it.

Freaking pigs!!! Took the time to package all the trash together but couldn't get it to the can!

What I want to know is what Mario is putting in that chicken so that it can be sold in a can. I guess it's no different than tuna. But still ...

So that's how they do it ...

After protesting that their shoes are indeed without bacteria, mud or dirt with no scientific explanation of how their shoes/boots/sandals are cleaner than mine or yours when they rest them on seats, evidence has finally come to light.

I'm so excited to share this with you.
You'll never look at foot riders the same way again.

I so badly want to throw this guy a $5 bill. He totally gives it.

Just call me employee of the month

The following is a text exchange I had with a person I have nicknamed "Lost On The Internet" or LOTI for short.

My replies are in green.

LOTI: hello?


(many minutes pass)

LOTI: hello?



(many minutes pass)

LOTI: hello


(many minutes pass ...)

(it's now the next day)

LOTI: are you the lady who drives the GO train?


LOTI: you don't drive a GO train?


LOTI: oh. maybe you can still help me???

I can sure try

LOTI: I need to get to the airport


(long pause)

LOTI: don't you need to know where i am?

If I were a taxi company, absolutely. But I'm not.

LOTI: This is pretty bad customer service

LOTI: Is this GO?


LOTI: Is this 905-442-7423


LOTI: So you're the GO train???


LOTI: How do I speak to someone about getting to the airport?

You can call GO Transit.

LOTI: I have to call?


LOTI: I can't text?


LOTI: I don't have a voice plan!

You don't have air time?

LOTI: Well I do but I have to pay for it. I was looking for a way to text GO.

Did you find a website called

LOTI: Yes. That's how I got your number.

I'm not GO. I just write about taking GO.


Do you get it now?

LOTI: Get what?

That I'm not GO Transit. Or someone who drives a GO train.

LOTI: Sort of. Can you call them for me and then just text me the information?

Um ... hang on ... er, No.

LOTI: Come on.... Please???

You can use the web. I take it you're in front of a computer?

LOTI: Yes.

Find GO's website and there's a trip planner you can use. That will tell you how to get to the airport.

LOTI: But you're faster!

I'm not calling GO for you. I have to pay for my airtime as well.

LOTI: But you can probably afford more than I can.

Wait, you're right. Let me go fetch my leprechaun...

LOTI: So where are you located?


LOTI: Ha ha.

Next you'll type A/S/L.

LOTI: What's that?

Sigh ...Did you find GO's website?

LOTI: No, this is too much fun right now.

Yeah, well, I have to go season some porkchops. Nice talking to you.

LOTI: Party poop.

Off Topic: BLT

You know who makes a good BLT?

La Prep at Victoria and Queen East.

That's all.

Monday, May 16, 2011

If ya gotta sit, ya gotta sit, even if it means sitting on a wet, dirty floor

I couldn't. God love her.

Photo by Pete U.

Park it like you're drunk? You sure do.


Thanks to S.K. for the pic, taken today at Meadowvale GO Station.

There are things about sausage I just don't care to know

I'm on the 453 lse. There's a woman kitty-corner to me deeply engrossed in a cellphone call with a friend (I think). The topic is sausage.

Let's call the lady making the call SC - short for Sausage Call.

SC: I don't care for Polish.


SC: The last time I ate Polish I had heartburn that kept me up all night.


SC: It's too big. They make it too big. Sausage shouldn't be so long.

(Speak for yourself lady)

SC: The ones at Halenda's are tough. It's like when I bite into it, I'm waiting for juice but don't get any...

(Pause. Must... Not... Go... There...)

SC: Exactly, you want something on the first bite.


SC: Italian? No.


SC: The last time I had those, they ran right through me. Um ... Some kind of Johnson?

(Yes, she said 'Johnson')

SC: Johnsonville? Yes, at Metro. Too short... Never fits the buns.

(I swear this is a real conversation)

SC: So what do you want? Who has Oktoberfest? Sobey's?


SC: Okay, if you say they're the right size, we can have those. They better be juicy.

... And cue graphic ...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Time to honor the parking donkeys

Gary says Jason's time to shine in the banner-logo can wait because he's been waiting for me to pay homage to the parking nut jobs and I've been putting it off. Yeah, I was ...

Parking nut jobs, or parking donkeys as I now call them, are drivers who can't park properly between two lines no matter what season it is (check out the gallery).

People like this person below:

Send your photos of parking donkeys to Is this an obsession of mine? Absolutely. Background here

The phenomena that is the Stouffville Corridor

Look closely at the picture above, I know it's dark but do you see the people? Can you tell what they are doing? They are LINED up. Apparently the people who take the Stouffville Corridor line up on the platform to board the train. I never noticed before until a person waiting with me on Platform 12 for the 5:20 pointed it out. This is apparently a long-standing tradition. It's amazing to me that this actually happens.

Who started this? Who enforces it? Why can't the Oshawa Corridor work this way, instead of this hot mess:

Fashion wrecks

Got a text message from a woman I've nicknamed Top Model (TM). My replies are in green.

TM: have u ever thought about a transit fashion feature?

Actually no, but you intrigue me ... continue.

TM: have you ever looked at what some people wear on the GO train some days?

From time to time, I do, but I'm not a fashionista so I'm not sure if I'm of good authority to judge

TM: What are your thoughts on Uggs?


TM: LOL, exactly.

Sometimes I will look at someone and think, what made you wear that?

TM: Like?

Well, overweight woman in leggings. I'm a larger woman and you wouldn't catch me dead in leggings.

TM: Are we talking women where all you see is their stomach and butt fat?

Yeah, looks like an apron!

TM: What's that?

When the stomach hangs like an apron. Sadly all that's missing from mine is "Kiss the Cook".

TM: Oh man, LOL ... yeah... Why would any woman want to accentuate that?

I sure as hell don't know. Leg fat is what I can't look at. Reminds me of ground beef wrapped in saran wrap.

TM: Lol!!! Oh my god ...

I have a friend who could probably help me write a what not to wear feature. She was just commenting the other day how stupid it looks when women pair yoga pants with a dress shirt and wear that to work.

TM: OMG. I've seen that. It's so unprofessional.

And flip flops? Since when did beach wear become the norm? I can only imagine the damage to their posture over time.

TM: There's a guy on my train who wears a cowboy hat 12 months a year

I think that's sexy!

TM: You wouldn't think that if you saw the condition it was in.

What about Crocs?

TM: Not to work!

I don't know if this would fly, let me put it out to the crowd.

Moon over troubled rails

From Mitizigal:

Heard you on CBC today, and thoroughly enjoyed the show.
It reminded me (too late to call into the show, though) of a situation my husband and I encountered on a VIA trip from our home in Sarnia to Toronto a number of years ago.
As we were getting near Toronto, a couple of boys, probably around 12 years old, were mooning the train as we sped by. They were a number of yards away from the train but close enough that we had a good look as we approached them. The funny thing was the people on our side were howling with laughter, but our neighbours across the aisle wondered what the commotion was, but by the time they jumped up to have a look, the boys were gone.
Coincidentally, having grown up near the Junction in Toronto (made famous by its rail yards) I had a friend who lived on Ryding Avenue in the Runnymede and St. Clair area. We used to moon the freight trains all time as kids, until Michelle's father caught us one afternoon and chased us down the street with his work boot. I made it all the way home only to wind up with my dad chasing me down the laneway with a shovel after receiving a phone call from Michelle's dad. Eventually my old man ran out of breath and I hid out in the schoolyard of George Syme public school until I felt it was safe to come home.

Friday, May 13, 2011

You know what's awesome?


But you knew that already.

Today I did a radio interview with the CBC's Ontario Today lunch hour show. The host was really pushing the stand-up comic angle which was really making me feel pressured to perform! I guess it brings some credibility and sounds way more exciting than, "Here's Cindy Smith, a website designer in the financial services industry".

Here's a link to the show description and the actual taping. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the CBC for inviting me and to those who phoned in with their stories.

Blogger is having issues! Could you tell?!

For the love of all things holy!

The last 24 hours has been outrageous. Blogger (aka Google) had a system failure ... the gerbil died (you know the ones that run on wheels that power the servers) ... or something, but all posts from yesterday have disappeared and comments are missing, particularly the Leisure Beast post's comments.

Blogger assures me the posts/comments will be restored but I have little faith. At least y'all can now comment.

This is for Bicky: I can restore comments through a backup feed but I'd have to post them manually. I'm not sure how I'll proceed on that but I'll get them back in. There was gold in them there comments! PS. Thank you Alex for you know what. Very sweet.

People need to know who Jason is before I switch the banner!

When I first saw this, I thought he was clipping her toenails

No. Not the case, according to Kary who snapped and emailed in the photo.

She writes, "I confess I'm a bit of an outlier with regard to the shoes on the seats thing. If I had to choose one or the other, I'd much rather see shoes on the seat than someone's stinkin' feet. This woman was on the LSE 19:17 on Wednesday. I swear I could smell her feet from where I sat. So gross. Some people just have no dignity".
This is so nasty, it's narsty.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

As much as I love the chainsaw, it's time for it to go

Suggestions for a new banner:

1. Jason

2. Jason

3. Jason

4. Jason

5. Jason

and ... anything else?

Here's the stickler? What do I draw?

Need inspiration? Check out the logo gallery. Don't know who Jason is? Start here by reading the comments.

Forget TB, Hep, H1N1 and everything else. This disease is far more serious. It's a pandemic!

Who's biting these people?

Matt writes:
I got on the Brampton Transit bus this morning on my way to the GO station and immediately noticed that the bag/foot riding pandemic is spreading to other forms of public transit.

It seems common courtesy is becoming a thing of the past.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Pushed off the train

Truth be told, I wear a perpetual bullseye on my back because I deal with too much crap as a commuter or maybe I just find myself in situations others just don't have.

Yesterday, I managed to catch the 5:10 which was immediately packed at boarding because the train arrived 2 minutes to departure. I allowed myself to be cattled onto the train and I made my way to the upper level. Following behind me was a woman in a purple shirt. The aisle was full of people standing. With not much room, I moved slighlty forward to give her more space only to have her try to climb around me. I'm not a beanpole and I don't like being shoved aside. She actally nudged me forward when I stopped moving (what?). I turned around and asked her how far she wanted to go. She said to another coach.

Jesus Christ. The train was packed. The stairwell was jammed and she pissed me off with her shoving so I made my way through the crowd with her following behind and because the middle section was packed, I went down the second stairwell to the bottom coach (not where I wanted to be!)

Next thing I know, I found myself jumping off the train mere seconds before the doors closed because I was pushed. I was pushed off the train. I still can't believe it. I don't know who pushed me but I suspect it was the woman in the people shirt.

There were no seats to begin with and I also did not appreciate being this woman's personal battering ram!

I don't know what this woman expected to accomplish, but she DID. NOT. HAVE. TO. PUSH. ME. OFF. THE. TRAIN.

Because I'm an expert in GO train plumbing ???

I get some odd emails from time to time.

Here's one to share (with photo!)

maybe you can tell me why there are so many grab bars around the toilets in the big bathrooms on the train. why is there one behind the toilet? is this for people who pull themselves forward onto the can? where would your legs go? would you bend them back behind your head? is it to hold onto while the train is in motion?
why is the water blue in the toilet?
why can't i drink the water i was my hands with? where's it from?


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Boy, I shore loves me a good fight

You guys are awesome!


Because judging from the comments flying around today, many of you stand up for courtesy and respect and restore my faith in manners.

Feet belong on the floor.


Dirty pistachio-eating pigs

Unbelievable that people would leave a mess like this. This mess also trailed into the aisle and down the stairs.

Some have no shame.

Beware ... the Leisure Beast!

The second the seat next to her was free, she moved into this position.

And when the lady across from her vacated, she assumed this position.

Normally I'd smack a person like this with my eyelids. I just have that ability. But with her iPod blaring, it was hard to get the beast's attention. As a side note, she spent most of the ride laughing hysterically to herself over the book she's reading which was clearly disturbing the guy sitting beside her who was trying to doze off. Everytime she cackled, she'd startle him awake.

The lady across from her kept giving the beast her best WTF face after every laugh.

Would you watch? Train 48 - the show

Muriel wrote me shortly after the GO-series ran in the National Post.

She has the Canadian rights to Train 48 (a television series that ran about a group of people who rode a commuter train). All 318 half-hours.

Muriel would like to air the series again or even provide it on mobile phones.

She wants to know ... Do you think people would watch the series on their mobile phones while on the GO train?

Here's an episode:

Monday, May 9, 2011

WTH kinda ring tone is that?

Just sitting here on the 553 when out of nowhere this robotic voice chimes, "This is interesting." (Pause) "This is interesting." (Pause)
Finally, some guy I can't see answers with a loud hello.
Is it a movie sound bite? It's incredibly weird. Weirder than the dude on the 753 outta Oshawa who has an owl hooting as his ring tone.

The "N" is silent.

Intentional Moron

Don't you just want to angle your vehicle and park right next to him?

I do.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Do you mind if I leave my DNA all over this coach?

I love, LOVE, LOVE those of you who are quick-thinking enough to snap photos. Pictures REALLY DO tell a story!
Vanessa writes:

I got on the train this morning and saw a woman cleaning her nails.

I am strangely disgusted yet fascinated at the same time. Some people have no shame!

She has "professional" manicure tools and a folded paper towel across her lap.

I can only assume she's an esthetician based on the way she is dressed and the tools she's using.

She also has a little container of water (with a lid) beside her. She occasionally opens this container and dips her fingers in it as necessary.

I blatantly stared at her when I got on like, "WTF?" but she clearly sees nothing wrong with giving herself a full manicure while on the train.

She has now fully dipped her fingers/entire hand in her container of liquid. Clearly, I have not seen it all on my train rides in to the city!

She never pulled out nail polish - thank god - but spent the entire ride picking/cutting her skin/cuticles and cleaning under her nails.


If you're from Whitby and you're missing a Color Me Badd CD, read on ...

Submitted by Mack

While leaving the Whitby Station parking lot yesterday, my wife and I spotted a red van with its side sliding passenger door wide open. As we took our time getting off the train, there was nobody left around. We figured out that it was an automatic door, and the person who parked this van clearly hit the wrong button when rushing to their morning train, and left the door wide-open.

I thought the nice thing to do would be to close this door for them, so I did. My wife (the smart one) then pointed out that this person will never know their door was open, so if something went missing, they will think Houdini did it.

Can you please let your readers know that if whomever owns the red grocery-getter in the south parking lot is wondering what happened to their Color Me Badd CD, someone had access to their van all day.

Hey! No one puts down the Potter!

Submitted By Isabel

My friend was sitting with a coworker in the quad seats on a ride home. The coworker was talking about Harry Potter, but my friend said that he wasn't really a fan of the series, when the stranger next to them (who was a businessman probably in his 40s) interrupts him, and says "THE HARRY POTTER SERIES IS AMAZING! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

Try sitting next to a Star Wars nut. I made a crack once to a friend about what I considered to be the sexual undertone of the movies and this guy sitting near us grew the biggest hard-on over our conversation.

After my friend Christine got off at Ajax, he unleashed a torrent of criticism towards me and admonished my opinion about a film (Return of the Jedi in particular) that he considered "the most influential movie of all time".


This person didn't even try.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

This is a throwdown, a showdown, hell no ... it's gonna go!

This story is better if you chant "Jerry!" "Jerry!" "Jerry!" and pick up an office chair and get ready to throw it.

Okay, so last night, I took the 6:43. The departure door donkeys were at the ready on Platform 11, jumping the queue on those of us standing on 12 (the platform for boarding) and on hops on a woman who likes to complain to anyone who will listen about all the errors of GO's ways, etc. I've noticed her and listened to her before.

The last time I encountered her, the doors did not open on 11 and she had to hoof her way down to the accessibility coach and pass through to get to 12. She declared her displeasure to the whole coach going so far to call the CSA an asshole.

She should look in the mirror.

She settles into a seat and proceeds to barricade herself into the quad by placing bags on every seat around her. This is a woman who likes to bitch about the CSAs and all of the things they say wrong, plus she annoys me with the fact that she projects. Loudly.

Okay, so this older gent climbs on and he makes an attempt to sit in her quad. She leans forward as fast as a jackrabbit and tells him the seats are taken. He mumbled something I couldn't hear and she says there are lots of seats available and then settles back into her chair and keeps reading her magazine.

The man moves on.

Up next, a man with his kid (the one who wound up singing skiner-merinky-dink next to me for most of the ride). She tells him she's holding the seats and he says his son would like to sit near the window and all the other window seats are full (he had come from upstairs). She tells him that kids are supposed to be in the accessibility coach.

Say what?

So I get up and tell the man he and his son can sit where I was and I move to sit in the seat opposite of them. (Okay, start chanting ... but softly ...)

It's about one minute to departure and she's like a mole in a cabbage patch popping her head up and down to make it look like she's looking for someone. Clearly this is part of her ruse to secure her real estate of three seats. The CSA makes an announcement and makes mention of the buses available in Oshawa and this woman goes postal. Apparently, it annoys her that the sequence of the towns isn't in west to east order. For example, Courtice, Bomanville and Newcastle. Some of the CSAs will say Courtice, Newcastle and Bomanville. This angers her.

She yells, "Someone needs to buy Amanda a map" and blows out some air.

(Okay, start chanting louder... )

I speak up and say, to no one in particular, "Someone needs to tell Amanda to make an announcement about passengers keeping the seats free of bags so passengers boarding can sit near the window with their kids."

She does this exorcist-like movement (because I'm behind her) with her head and stares between the seats to see who spoke.

I look right at her.

The doors close. The CSA begins to speak again.

Talking over the CSA, she says to me between the seats, "I was waiting for a friend." I say, "There are lots of seats available."

She tells me to mind my own business. I tell her she's a hypocrite. She stands up. I start to look for where the tools are, just in case this gets ugly.

She points a finger at me and tells me again to mind my own business. I tell her that the train doesn't board on Platform 11 and that the CSAs don't owe her anything and what does it matter what order the buses are called out?

She glares at me. I'm telling you, she holds her stare for 7 to 8 seconds. I snap my gum. A tumbleweed rolls by.

Slowly, she sits down.

Point: me.

But it's not over. At Oshawa, when I came down the stairs, she walks right up to me and tells me she'll remember this.

Remember what? That she's an ass? I already know that. I asked her what that was supposed to mean?

I almost expected her to make a slicing motion across her neck.

Guess who found the site?!!

I'll give you a hint:

Here's another:

Banner Gallery

Here's how she found it:

Here's her email:

Hello. I saw a link to your website on the GO transit page on Facebook. I clicked it and thought it was funny and clever until I came across something that was about me. I've been riding GO transit for several years by the way and I agree with most of the annoyances you point out but I found a story on your site that was written about me including a copy of a letter I gave to a man who took offence to me sleeping on the train. Please remember there are two sides to every story and no one asked for my side.

(Okay, here's where I need to interrupt. Don't people realize that I don't know who they are and have no way of being able to contact them to ask them for their side? Why do people say that? Anyhoo, carrying on ... )

In the 11 years I've been riding the train I have always slept on the train. I use a pillow to be comfortable and the mask keeps sun out of my eyes and the earplugs help to drown out people who decide to carry on long conversations with god knows who about god knows what at 7 in the morning.

I did not kick Mystery Man. I nudged his foot. I wrote that letter because it really bothered me that he felt he could police my behaviour. I don't think it matters that I snore. Bodily functions are often difficult to control and snoring is involuntary. I like to sleep on the train. I don't see anywhere on GO's site where this is against the rules. My belief has always been that if you are annoyed, you change coaches or seats.

We all have to get along.

Please do not use my real name. I would like for you to publish what I wrote. There seems to be a lot of people who don't realize that first come first serve applies in life and because the seats aren't tied to a ticket with a number, what merit does someone have to dictate what someone sitting beside them can or can't do? Feet and bags aside, sleeping/snoring/coughing/breathing are all perfectly legal.
Here's the background on this story for those who need to get caught up.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

This fight will not be televised

I had it out with a woman on the train tonight (while it was still boarding) and I'm now a marked woman.

I promise to write out the story when I can upload the photos. Thursday. Maybe around lunch.

You'd be so proud of me. I never threw a punch.

Forks in the eyes, please, on the 6:43

1. Chick, one aisle over, speaking loud and angrily in Rushanglish (English and Russian) at a volume that can be heard from space. She's having a three-way where she has one person on one call and another on a second call and she keeps flipping between the two. She speaks to one in English and then to the other in Russian. She ended her call by combining both languages. I learned that she was "having operation on foot, yah, breski porski donza schola unai dobra ditsch, no... doctor say he fix".

Excellent! Good to know.

2. This young child beside me has managed to sing skinamer-rinky-dink 1,000 times. In a row.

I eventually moved.

I was waiting for her to get up and roundhouse kick this guy

See where the guy's hand is?

She's annoyed.

That's a little too close for comfort, dude.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Off Topic - Best Dog Talking Dub

And the Crazy Train pyromaniacs rub their hands together in glee: Commuters set trains on fire after morning delays

In Argentina.

From The Toronto Star:

Tempers can flare when your morning commute turns into a delay induced sit-in.

But while many of us tear up our tickets, tweet our frustrations and glare at the teenager blaring his iPod who keeps kicking the door, a group of Argentinean travellers went a few steps further when they decided to burn down their train.

The rail roasting was ignited on Monday, during the morning rush hour commute that brings workers from the suburbs into Buenos Aires. But, instead of being glided into the city, passengers were left stranded for 30 minutes after a train derailment.

That’s when the rage set in and eight carriages at three commuter stations went up in flames, with violence quickly spreading from the Haedo stop to the nearby stations of Ramos Mejia and Cuidadela.


Omitted from the Shoutouts

Text message from Megan
Hey CJ. I learned about your blog from the National Post. I was so impressed by your blog as well as the Shout Outs in tonight newspaper, which are new to me, that I wrote a Shout Out to the paper. Everything was printed except for your name and the site address? Why do you think that is?

Text message from CJ Smith
I dunno but thanks! If I were to hazard a guess, it probably has to do with money. I've promoted that paper for free all over this site but this site doesn't pay my mortgage. That's probably why.

Text message from Megan
How about I just write another shoutout telling how lame that was.

Text message from CJ Smith
They probably won't run it - think about it.

Text message from Megan
But I want more people to know about your site.

Text message from CJ Smith
You can buy me an ad.

Text message from Megan
There has to be a way to do this for free.

Text message from CJ Smith
Can you sew?

Text message from Megan
Yeah. Why?

Text message from CJ Smith
You can make Crazy Train t-shirts and give them away at the GO station you use.

Text message from Megan
Too much work.

Text message from CJ Smith
You can write the web address in soap on the back window of your car.

Text message from Megan
I want people on the train to read it.

Text message from CJ Smith
Oh my god. I've got it.

Text message from Megan

Text message from CJ Smith
You can *tell* people.

Text message from Megan
You think that would work?

(Here's where I paused for a minute ... is it me? No? You're thinking the same thing? Good.)

Text message from CJ Smith
And it's free.

Text message from Megan
Yeah. It's still not as good as a Shoutout.

Text message from CJ Smith
I think it's better. Thanks for the support!

What was she thinking?

Submitted by Jason O.

I got on at Stouffville this morning along with a lady carrying an umbrella. She put her sopping wet umbrella on the seat beside her where it drained itself into the fabric. Then, once she was setttled, she put her wet feet up on the seat in front of her.

A few minutes later, she moved her umbrella to the floor and this man climbed on and walked towards the seat beside her. Incredibly, she made no attempt to tell him the seat is soaked and before he sits, I spoke up and said she had her wet umbrella on the seat and that I'm sure it's wet.

Sure enough, he puts his hand down and it's soaked. He looks at the woman and asks her, "Why would you do that?" She says it was an accident. I said, "I don't think so. Was putting your wet feet up on the seat an accident, too?" She got all pissy and started gathering her bags and said she would go sit somewhere else where people mind their business.

Honest to God. Who are these people? I should have hoofed her in the ass when she stormed past me. Made it look like I had a cramp.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Vote Day

I'm sure the candidates are out at the Oshawa GO station this morning. That's fine if you live in Oshawa and take the train. Personally, I don't see a GO station an effective place to campaign, especially one that services a percentage of a population that lives out of your riding.

Anyhoo ... did you know that your employer must give you three consecutive hours to vote (with pay) and must let you leave early or arrive late so you can vote?

Two words: extended lunch.

I have today as a vacation day so I'll be back online again tomorrow.