Friday, September 30, 2011

Houston we have a problem.

Some days, and this may shock you, I am not the sharpest eyebrow pencil in Paris Hilton's ho-box. I know, I fake the brilliance easily. It's a gift.

I have also been encouraged to write my posts while smashed on wine. Tonight is no exception. You know what's hilarious? Watching Hell's Kitchen drunk. Try it.

One thing I could not figure out was that despite this website's viral popularity, there's not a lot of comment activity. Again, thank you for sharing. My Grade 1 teacher, Mrs. Moreti, would be proud of you. Mrs. Moreti used to have a small clock radio by her desk always tuned to 680CFTR which was *the* Top40 radio station most kids in Toronto would listen to in the 80s until all the kids got mod and shit in the early 90s and started listening to CFNY while the rest of us moved to Energy108. Anyway, where the hell was I going with this?

Sharing ... yes! Every so often someone finds something I've posted to be the most amazing blog post in the world and links it to Facebook, Twitter or some other shit and the site gets hammered. But the comments don't come.

I figured it out. I figured it out because I've clued in and caught up to all the emails that have been sent to me and one phrase I kept reading over and over from many different people was comments don't work for them at work. So I did some digging and got all geeky and I've determined that the IT nazis at your very workplace have blocked this URL ->

You can hit the site because I have a unique domain name but your employer doesn't want you wasting valuable time writing comments. Which is a shame ... The comments are what I look forward to. Even the negative ones.

For some people, because of browser settings, the comments don't work because pop-ups have been blocked.

So what to do?

I don't have a goddamn clue. I just wanted to let you know I figured it out.


So much for picking one up on the way to Union tonight!

A Slam Dunk. In more ways than one

date Fri, Sep 30, 2011 at 8:15 am
subject one-handed boob shot

I have what I think is a great story to share with you and your website. I wanted to send it to the shoutouts newspaper but since it's so long, it probably either be butchered for space or not published.
So yesterday I took the 4:53 LSE which those who ride the express LSEs know is one of the busier trains and by the time we left Union it was sardine standing-room only. I was sitting near the doors in the three seat bench. I was on I think what was the 4th coach. There were a group of girls, late teens, maybe first year Uni-students. They were practically on top of me. Some were eating, others were drinking Second Cup frozen drinks. At some point, I fell asleep.
Okay so I get to Oshawa. I go home. My bf calls wondering if he can come over. I say sure. We're still new at dating.
Last night, well, let's say things got hot and heavy and this is our first "night" together if you know what I mean.
The real deal. It was rather impulsive. I did go into the bathroom to make sure the downtown area was ready for tourists. Do you know what I mean? That was all I was worried about.
I go back to the livingroom. We're being intimate etc. and around the point where my bf lifts my bra off, out fell a Dorito chip. Cool ranch, I think. Right to the floor where my BF stood on it. It was a big sucker, too.
To quote you, The hell?
My bf thought I was using my bra to store food throughout the day like I'm some kind of squirrel.
I sat there trying to think how the hell I got a Dorito in my cleavage and then I remembered the girls on the train. I remember before I nodded off that one of them had a bag of Doritos in her hand.
I'm not implying she was playing food basketball with my bosom but I imagine she lost her grip on one and it fell down my chest.
Now I got off with these ladies at Oshawa and I find it hard to believe she didn't realize she lost a Dorito.
It would have been nice if she had told me.
But don't panic, it didn't ruin my night. I still scored.

Saved by the Parking Donkey!

Is it possible that something good can come from parking donkey nonsense?

Apparently so.
I actually have a parking donkey to thank for actually getting a spot in the satellite parking lot in Brampton.
There wasn't any parking left at all, and I was about to head over to the pay-lot near the station when I saw an opening. It was a bit of a tight fit as you can see with my Toyota. Thankfully I was able to leave enough space for me and my 8+ months baby belly to get out of the car. And it made me happy to not have to pay to park.

So... Thank you parking Donkey!


Thursday, September 29, 2011

Lord of the Stupids

Once again the parking donkeys at Oshawa have driven their way onto their own island, which I will call "Island of Douche".

Looks like we know which one is 'Ralph" and which one is 'Piggy', don't we?

Thanks to April for the pic.


DF made the shoutouts. Too bad Amy "won't be back" to see it here.

Oshawa Parking Donkey

Parked right in the middle of a through lane! Blocked everyone from turning left into the aisle. Screwed up the whole flow of parking this morning as people who cut the turn too short around this douchebag's car had to reverse and go right, which caused traffic turning into the lot to backup.

Submitted by Steve, Sandro, Kevin and Rita. Note: Sandro's pictures were more clear.

This Crazy Train's Presto Chronicles, Chapter 11: The hell? Why didn't I get the memo?!

I didn't expect to have another Chapter so soon but this morning I learned that I can tap my Presto card at the TTC turnstile in Union subway station and take the subway.

How long of y'all known? I feel like a jilted wife, blind to her husband's indiscretions. The last to know. The forgotten.

I had seen the card reader. I didn't make the connection. I figured my card was set-up for GO and that's it. But oh no, you can walk right off the train, right through the concourse, right through the doors and tap right through the turnstile. $2.50 is deducted from your card. It doesn't override your GO settings. My train friend Sandra showed me.

I nearly weeped with joy. Do you know how much I hate fucking tokens? The archaic process of the entire metro transit system, period? A lot. But this gave me hope. Generally, I walk to work. But today, for reasons I will keep to myself, I just wasn't up to it.

When I got off at Queen, the bubble burst real quick. I can use Presto to get to my destination. I can't use to it leave. No card readers.

This is why I lose my mind. Swear to God. So much for my short-lived happiness.

Just picture the rotisserie channel

The new banner/logo pays homage to an issue that has generated a lot of discussion around here. Background here.

Thanks to the "Bronte Hornet" for the suggestion.

Previous banners are available for your viewing pleasure in the logo gallery.

This Crazy Train's Presto Chronicles, Chapter 10: For the love of all things Holy, don't punch a hole in your Presto card

In my first year of university, those of us who lived in dorms were given these cool, swaggy lanyards (aka shoelaces with flare) that we could thread through our pass cards that allowed us to carry our pass cards around our necks.
This was 1991.

Fast forward 20 years later. You would think a Presto card could handle this kind of sophisticated method of transport.


Renee writes:
As a new Presto user, I think you should share this with your fellow commuters.

It might sound obvious for some people, but apparently you can’t make a hole in your Presto card. Since I have to tap it 3 times per trip, I thought it would be handy to have it on my keychain, like some people do with their Metropass. Every GO employee made me feel pretty stupid for not knowing that. Apparently it says so on their website.

But in my defense, it doesn’t say that on the card or in the brochure.

Thank God I had registered my card, otherwise I’m not sure I could have gotten it replaced. And I had to call about 4 times and wait 2 days to be able to access my money with a new card.

So to be clear, if you innocently punch a hole in your Presto card so you can thread it through your keychain, you will render it useless; the hole will damage the card's antenna and the chip.

What I find helpful is I keep mine in a zippered compartment of my satchel and I just bump uglies with the machine with every tap.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Yet another parking dud

Rouge Hill GO Station. Thanks to DH for the pic.

Dem Foosa

I call them "the Foosa". Foot on seat assholes. Like the wild animals in Madagascar they crash the party, eat all of the food then kill the lemeurs. The dreaded foosa need to be stopped. We need the giants from NY. All hail the NY Giants. I will be King Julian cause I have a gekko on my crown, go gekko go. If you have not seen the movie this makes no sense.

8:13pm LSE. Them feet is rag-ass tired (2nd photo). The wife made him take his shoes off.

- King Julian aka DR (TCT's roving LSE reporter)

But why?

My dad thinks I'm the most hilarious person on the planet. He also thinks I shouldn't be giving away funny for free.

It was my dad's 65th birthday last Thursday. The following is the conversation we had after we got past the birthday wishes.
Dad: I know about your website.

Oh yeah? You mean the one I've only talked about for the past year or so?

Dad: Yeah, some guy at my gym told me he read about you in the paper. I didn't know what the hell he was talking about. I thought you were joking.

Dad, I told you I had a website about all the commuting nonsense that goes on. With the GO train, yadda yadda.

Dad: Well I asked mommy (yes he calls her that when referring to her to me) to show me the website but you know what she's like with the computer. She farts around and next thing we know we're on this site with trains and people going on about trains and what year it was made and how long it was in service and I was saying to her, this isn't the site and she was saying to me well it's about trains! And I says, BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY and Cindy's site is FUNNY because the guy at the gym said it was funny. He said, your daughter is very funny.

I think I know the site you guys were on. There are people who are real serious about trains.

Dad: No kidding. The website is full of them. I have no idea how people do it.

Do what?

Dad: Make websites.

It's fun.

Dad: But why, tho?

Well, it's no different than writing a book, I guess, only there's no one you have to beg to get your work in front of people. With a website you're the editor and publisher and it's up to you find a readership.

Dad: How did you make your site?

Dad, you know I do this for a living.

Dad: Yeah, okay, but you make money. This website doesn't make you money.

No but I think there could be a way with using the traffic ... (he cuts me off)

Dad: Nah, nah, nah. You need to make people pay for your site.

Dad, no one is going to pay to read my site.

Dad: No?


Dad: I don't get it then.

It's okay, dad. It's just something I enjoy doing. I like making people laugh.

Dad: You shouldn't be doing it for free is alls I'm sayin'. People should pay to laugh. That's just how it works.
He's awesome. Swear to God.

Battle of the Door Donkeys

I love stories like these. They warm my heart and make we want to pick roses from my garden and braid them into my hair.

Joanne writes:
Yesterday I took the 453 lse, first car, the train was 70% full but there was this group of female door donkeys standing right in front of the doorway, ignoring people trying to get on. So I step up onto the train, into this wall of donkeys, and just stand there because this shit gets old real quick and these asshats are really starting to piss me off. It's like this every damn day...
With a poker face, I just stand there. Finally donkey door bitch #1 moves over and as I head up the stairs, I hear her call out, "Excuse me would be nice" - something to this affect. If there wasn't a line of people behind me I would have called her out on it.
So here's my message to the donkeys. I shouldn't have to excuse myself to you. You should excuse your own damn self and move the hell outta the way for those boarding. If people boarding the train inconvenience you and interrupt your epic conversation about changing the filter of the Brita bucket for your office kitchen, perhaps the bunch of you should stand on the platform and then get on the train before it leaves. Then you can all gather around the doors like roaches slurping up a puddle of water under a kitchen sink.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Go ahead. Put your feet up.

Thanks to Sandra for the pic. Today's 2:13 pm LSE.

By Request - 10 repeat Google searches that bring people for a ride on this crazy train or result in crazy text exchanges

  1. stupid stuff people do on go trains Google rank: 1

  2. go train blog Google rank: 1 (impressive, I know)

  3. blog about people on go train Google rank: 1 (and 2)

  4. lost something on go train who do i text Google rank: 2

  5. go train bathroom sex Google rank: 2

  6. how can i text go train people Google rank: 3 (plus 4) This post just pushed it to #2 which I know will make Skin Man delirious with pleasure because this is now gonna "bring it".

  7. crazy train Google rank: 3

  8. why do people block the doors on go train Google rank: 3

  9. GO train lost and found Google rank: 4 (which is so bizarre because GO Transit holds ranks 1, 2 and 3 but people click on my site links)

  10. how to send text message to go transit Google rank: 5 (and 12)

Off Topic: How to please a diabetic

For the sugarheads, substitute 1/2 cup Splenda with 1 cup sugar.
For the glaze, use icing sugar instead of Splenda.

You bake him this:

Coffee cake made with no sugar, blueberries, bananas, pineapple, cranberries, sliced almonds and oatmeal. Coated with a Splenda lemon-butter glaze.

For the diabetic in your life. In my life, it's my husband.

After a slice he was like, Girrrl, you just has to put this on your train site.

I was like, yep.

I also know this won't solve my breakfast dilemma. I know that I will wrap a piece up for myself and leave it on the kitchen counter where it will sit all day while I fantasize about it at work. So I won't.

Grease a bundt pan, set it aside.

Preheat your oven to 400F

2 cups ripened bananas, mashed
1/2 cup blueberries
1/2 cup diced pineapple (if using canned, be sure to drain the pineapple well or else the added liquid will cause the batter to be too runny)
1/4 cup dried cranberries
1/4 cup sliced almond (slivered)
2 cups dry oatmeal
2 and 1/3 cups flour
2 eggs
3/4 cup milk
1/4 cup canola oil
1/2 cup Splenda
4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp ground cinnamon

Please note: You can substitute 1 cup of the flour for 1 cup of whole wheat flour. Just be aware this will change the consistency of the cake (less moist) and you will need to add more liquid to the recipe. Use 1 cup of milk instead of 3/4 cup.

In large bowl, combine banana, blueberries, pineapple, cranberries, eggs, oil, milk and oatmeal. Mix well and let it sit for 10 minutes so the oatmeal softens.

Stir in flour, Splenda, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon and vanilla. Stir until mixture is fully moistened. Fold in almonds.

Pour into bundt pan.

Bake 45 to 50 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.

To make the glaze:
  1. Let cake cool for 30 minutes.
  2. Melt 1/2 cup butter and stir in 8 tbsp of Splenda and 1 tsp of lemon extract. Add more Splenda to thicken the glaze to a glue like consistency.
  3. Drizzle over cake.

It's the final meltdown ... (cue trumpets)

Text message from 90566879XX
To 9054427423
Tue Sep 27 09:14:17 AM

today i went to 1 of ur stations and i used 1 of ur machines to stamp my 10ride and the machines WAS WHAT A SURRPRIZE!!! out of order so i went to another 1 and it kept making a noise and wouldnt stamp. so i went into the station and tried another machine and finally it worked. why is that these machines are so many ttimes out of order. how hard is it to better maintain these machines? i pay so much to ride ur stupid system the least u can do is give me a machne that works or have more available to use. ridiculous. i shouldn't have to run around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Text message from 90566879XX
To 9054427423
Tue Sep 27 09:44:28 AM

unreall u cant even give me a response this just shows how far behgind the times ur companmy is. u provide a twitter and facebook but barely respond to customers and ur text messaging skills leave little to be desired because u cant even reply to a customer in a timely fashion. unreal. seriously.

Text message from 9054427423
To 90566879XX
Tue Sep 27 11:59:02 AM

Hi there. Please call GO Transit directly at 1-800-GETONGO. Okay? Good luck. You have the wrong number.

Text message from 90566879XX
To 9054427423
Tue Sep 27 12:07:22 PM

uh hello!? no i don't. i just checked ur website and this is the RIGHT number. Llook if u dont care to help me just say so dont just pass me off to some bullshit 1800 # where all i will do is talk to a machine.

Text message from 9054427423
To 90566879XX
Tue Sep 27 12:07:40 AM

Hi again. This website you're on. What does it say?

Text message from 90566879XX
To 9054427423
Tue Sep 27 12:08:22 PM

omfg. are u implying i can't read. i'm in my 2nd year of engineering at ryerson. i've been using the internet since i was 7. don't imply i can't figure out how to use a website.

Text message from 9054427423
To 90566879XX
Tue Sep 27 12:08:37 PM

Engineering? Impressive. I'll try again. What does the website say?

Text message from 90566879XX
To 9054427423
Tue Sep 27 12:08:51 PM

listen asshole. gve me the name of ur supervisor. this is ridiculous.

Text message from 9054427423
To 90566879XX
Tue Sep 27 12:11:52 PM

I don't really have a supervisor but I guess you can call my mom. The thing is, she really doesn't like being bothered at work. Like one time, I couldn't find the remote for the tv one morning when I came home from school for lunch coz I really like watching the Price is Right and I called her and she totally lost her shit on me so I'm thinking it's not a great idea. You can call my dad? He's retired and has boat loads of time. He can be reached at 416763 ... oh wait ... I don't think he's home right now. See, he's become all super health conscience so he's at the gym 7 days a week. I can never get a hold of the bastard.

Text message from 90566879XX
To 9054427423
Tue Sep 27 12:15:09 PM

what the hell? r u crazy? Why would i give a shit about your mom? or your dad??? this is stupid. ur stupid. thanks for the help jackass.

Ontario Provincial Election Candidates, Listen Up

Hi, Good morning!

Wait, I'd love to talk to you but you see that train over there? It leaves in two minutes and I have to get on it.

(Shoves a pamphlet at me. The hell?)

Hey, I don't live in Oshawa.

What? Give it to someone I know on the train who lives in Oshawa? Uh, I'm not canvassing for you, buddy. Even if I had time to talk to you, you don't represent my riding. I can't vote for you even if I wanted to.

Do you have any concerns ... ?

Um yeah, can you do something about this parking situation here in the GO lot? Oh you can't. I see ... anyway, like I said, I have to catch the train.


Look, it's ineffective and I don't know if it really works. GO commuters have one mission in the morning and that is to get off the bus, or get a parking spot, and get on the train. Often with minutes to spare depending on traffic and parking lot congestion.

The last thing many of us want to do is spend time chatting with you lot. Plus, your printed literature is a waste of a tree. Give me a pen with your web address on it and when I have time, maybe I'll log on and read about you - provided I live in your riding. But campaigning at the end of the line for a GO corridor is just bad strategy. Oshawa services a whole bunch of communities you don't represent. So either you show up and represent your party or you just stick to canvassing the riding itself.

I do care about this election but I am annoyed by this "in your face" approach especially when you're not my candidate. At the very least, stop trying to shove your brochure into my hand. I really dislike that.

BUMPED: Triple Ds. Stair Blockers. Stair Pigs. Door Hogs. FIRST!

This post just went viral and I was asked by a GO employee (actually several) to bump it.
Consider it done.
Somewhere on Bay Street, there's a cubicle full of people who are greatly amused by the comments.
I just wish I was there with a chair that I could hoist over my head and chant, Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

If you're new here, be sure to familiarize yourself with the TCT meme, and then make yourself a coffee, and then read the comments.

Ahh yes, the special 4:30pm LSE crowd. I don't take this train but I've heard lots about this party crowd. Karen writes:
I promised to take a photo of the FIRST gang on LSE 4:30. They stand on the departure side of the train, even though this is not an express and there are enough seats for everybody. They just like to be first on the first car, and first off the train. A few of these notables are also loud AND door blockers, getting up from their seats several stops before Oshawa.
So they get several awards.

Oh boo hoo, they probably gonna get all mad and send me hate email. I'm gonna publish every single one. Word.

When you're hung-over the next morning and you ride your son's bike to the GO station ...

This is what happens.

My hands ... theysa tired. I no can make it tooza trash can

Thanks to DH for the pic of a donkey's trash. Which, by the way, is nobody's treasure.

Do ya wanna ride this donkey-donkey? Do you wanna ride mah donkey? (sing it)

Check out this stud. I mean, check out this dud.

I believe this is Whitby's GO lot. "Joe Doe" didn't say, but thanks anyway. Have a nice day, okay?

Monday, September 26, 2011

Bored? Make your own GO bus. Then bring it on the bus

Here's the link to the paper-doll cut-out.

After you're done, board a GO Bus and sit with your paper GO Bus on your lap. Every time the bus brakes, be sure to make an 'Eeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr' screeching sound.

Record your results. Send the video to YouTube. Send the link to me.

She's got legs... and I know how to abuse them

Ok, get rid of the ZZ Top outta yo' head.

What this picture needs... is some Christmas. You know it's coming. Might as well get ready. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Your thighs connected to your ass. A seat for your feet. Flames burn your toes... Merry Foot Rider... Toniggghhhttt ... "

Be good kids. Keep your feet off the seats and if you're on the GO bus, get your bags off the seats.

Santa's coming!

Are you excited about all those GO?! Reading material, right here

Okay, when I was sent this link, I made a mental list of the amount of gin I would need to get through this e-book history of GO Transit. But I shit you not, I read most of it completely sober and get this, found it actually interesting.

Learn how GO came to be < CLICK.

I guarantee you, when you're done, you'll have a whole different perspective and you'll find yourself sharing these historical tidbits with loved ones who will appear fascinated by your tale of turnstile logistics and the drama behind the timetables but really, they're not gonna be interested. Oh, they'll look interested but deep down, they're fantasizing about how to destroy your larynx so you'll shut the hell up.

PS. I wrote this whole post after having consumed three glasses (full 8 oz each) of Mission Hill white white of some kind. If it made no sense, I've done my job.

Pissin' on the Leafs Fans parade

I heard that on Friday night's LSE runs, all trains past 10:13 pm, GO had extra transit safety constables on board.


Lawd, let me tell you how much I dread hockey season on nights I work late. Leaf fans, those who drink and think the GO Train is the most exciting train ride ever, are the most annoying, ridiculous and rude people to commute home with. Only the ones who drink, tho. The rest of you aren't bad. A little loud but I just move coaches when the profanity becomes a little much.

If I printed all the stories I've been told, this sign would have so much more meaning

Thanks to KK for the link.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

He's driven away from the 407etr and has hopped on the "GO". McGuinty promises all-day service to/from Hamilton

Hamilton will have all-day, two-way GO train service in time for the 2015 Pan Am Games, Premier Dalton McGuinty said Friday.

McGuinty, who made the announcement Liuna Station on James Street North, also promised that Hamilton will see two new stations — one on James North, across the street from Liuna, and the other at Confederation Park. The move is expected to create 8,000 jobs.

Mayor Bob Bratina — who has focused on bringing all-day GO train service to Hamilton — was the only other speaker at McGuinty’s Hamilton appearance. It’s the second time Bratina has appeared alongside Hamilton’s slate of Liberal candidates to promote all-day GO service in the past two weeks.

More at the The Spectator's website

Friday, September 23, 2011

Mucho caliente bitch fit on the train

date Wed, Sep 21, 2011 at 9:04 AM
subject queen of mean

I encountered a drag queen this morning on the train. This was absolutely a dude dressed as a lady. Bitch was crazy. Diva had all her bags on the seats in a quad. She stared out the window muttering under her breath and everytime someone asked to sit, she would make the best bitch face and scrunch up her nose like the person had just farted and exclaim, "bitch please". Hand up and everything! If you've seen Too Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar then you've got Patrick Swayze right here on this train.
This guy gets on and made to move her stuff and doesn't "girlfriend" stand up and slap this man's arm. The two of them start to argue and then it became a full-on verbal hiss and piss.
So Miss LeThaNg gathers up all her stuff and hustles off the train and goes on this verbal tangent as she's leaving.
Those of us sitting gave off some nervous chuckles.
I don't know where she went but the guy who moved her bag pulled out his cellphone and made a call to his wife to tell her all about what went down. He seemed very distressed by what happened. I thought it was hilarious.

Destuny didn't send video or pictures but here's how I imagined how the fight went down:

Parking donkeys are like American Idol rejects

Legends in their own minds.

GO union won't set strike deadline

Well it's Friday folks and those of us who've been on edge over this looming possible strike still don't have an answer for when D-Day is to drop.

According to the union representing more than 1,500 GO Transit workers, it will not announce a strike deadline Friday.

A representative for the Amalgamated Transit Union Local 1587 told CityNews they don't expect to set a strike deadline because there is still an outstanding issue before the Ontario Labour Board. The union cannot set a strike deadline until the board makes its decision.

The decision was expected to be made by Friday, No timeline had been given for the OLB decision. More at CityNews' website

This Crazy Train's Presto Chronicles, Chapter 9: The Family Circus Path

Gailanne wants to know why it's so hard to find a Presto machine at the exit points surrounding Union. She thinks Billy from the comic strip Family Circus headed up the planning and placement of the card readers.

She writes:
This week, I caved in and got myself a PRESTO Card. The main reason for doing so is because my GO commuting habits have started becoming less predictable and I didn't want to keep track of multiple 10 ride tickets. I have also been taking advantage of the nice weather and riding my bicycle to and from work at least twice a week. The overall calculations of me commuting on the GO for much of the summer did not amount to anything significant to justify getting a monthly pass. Monthly passes won't happen til January due to planned holidays, as well as hope for an extended cycling season.

I left my PRESTO zones open with no defaults because of varying trips. Besides, I would like to remain accountable to my balances at all times by remembering to tap on and off.

This morning, I experienced my first frustration. Getting off the train at Union on Platform 26, I headed for the stairs leading to the east side of York Street. I looked around. For the first time, I noticed that while they have machines for stamping the paper tickets, there were no PRESTO scanners. What the...? I have never noticed this before and I have taken the same steps down to the street for more than two years - even before PRESTO was launched! I noticed two scanners. They were out of service. Just getting installed...

I then had to make a beeline up York Street and back into the station through the Front Street entrance to tap off. These machines are difficult to locate! After navigating my way through the concourse, I was finally able to locate one closer to the stairs.

Now, in all fairness, the teamway on the west side of York Street has multiple scanners. I didn't utilise those ones (like I would on the way home) because I wanted to see what it was like to locate one in the GO Concourse. One thing came to mind very quickly... Do you remember Bill Keane's comic Family Circus? Occasionally, we are treated to a map of little Billy's adventure before he arrives at a destination. It's just like trying to find a Presto Card scanner.

I never understood the Family Circus but I'd read it anyway on Sunday mornings since it was all I could do on Sunday mornings because my parents believed cable was the devil when I was kid. The only channels I got as a kid were CFTO, Global, TVOntario (God, how miserable was that station in the 80s? I hated the Green Forest with a passion and Rocket Robin Hood? That made me *want* go to church and I don't go to church).

Speaking of church, when you had no cable tv, Sundays meant all that was available on Global and CFTO were televangelists. CityTV had multicultural programs. I once watched a whole show about marinating meat in Portuguese because it was the. only. thing. on.

Then there was PBS. There I'd be, watching Anne of Green Gables - all parts - only to be interrupted by that blonde chick with the bowl cut who would start begging for pledge money. Oh my God, she went on and on. With all those fake ringing phones in the background and smiling people pretending to write down bogus information. Then they'd run a scroll of all the people who "gave" money.

Yeah, so those of you who had cable, I hated you.

But back to the Presto scavenger hunt. GO needs to invest in card scanners that are better positioned and more visible. Plus, convenient for customers! They've pushed this product so much focusing entirely on the brand and less on the value. At least, this is how it seems to me. Put card readers right on the train. Right near the door. If they make the scanners small enough for fare checking, they can mount something just as small on the coaches. Sounds good to me.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

From the Toronto Star - Rescue on Platform 12: GO hero saves passenger’s life

Awesome job from an awesome CSA.

Derek Thompson? You fierce.

Full story here.

Nutty Conversations

Here are some text exchanges I've received over the past summer in regards to various dilemmas/randomness and my replies (in green and italics):

How do you know when some1 you see on the train everyday likes you?
Why did you truncate only someone?
That sounds dirty LOL. I don't really know the person I just think he likes me.
I meant in your sentence you wrote some1 but spelled everything else like a Rhodes Scholar.
Oh, thats just something I do. Sorry if it bothered you
I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
Ha ha, ok. Sooo, this just got awkard with you being a grammar nazi all of a sudden
It sure did. Asolutely.


Do you know why the GO Train doesn't take cash?
Please explain ...
I got on the train this morning and there was nowhere to put my money.
The hell? You mean like a coin dispenser box, like on a bus?
Did you go into the station?
Shit, am I in trouble?
You could be if you're still on the train.
Does someone check if I paid? How do they know?
It's random. You have to have a ticket before you get on the train.
So if I got caught I could just pay the ticket checker?
It doesn't really work that way.
Well for chrissakes if they'd put in fare boxes then I wouldn't look so stupid!!!


What train are you on?
Not on yet. Working late.
That's too bad. I bought you a coffee and figured you'd swing by my coach and we could chat.
Well that's really sweet. Can I ask what kind of coffee you bought?
Oh oh. Are you particular about the brand? Second Cup. Delish. do you like Second Cup?
I do but I always wonder about the name. Do people really buy another coffee after consuming the first one?
Ha, dunno. Good question though. But I think Last Cup coffee shop wouldn't really do well.
Nonsense. Think of the franchising opportunities for jails. Funeral homes ...
LOL Death Row coffee...
Ba ha hah. We're so going to hell.
Make room for me in that handbasket...


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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Barrie foot ridin's gone all courtesy like

It's not really foot-ridin' when I put my wet sneakers under the seat and toss my bag on top. I do this with the coffee table at home, too. I just rest my sneakers on the edge. So don't be hatin' just coz I'm rollin' dirty.
- Barrie Foot Rider

A historic moment! A post about me from one of you

I will admit that bees, hornets and wasps scare the absolute shit outta me. And after today's hornet swarming incident, the fear is now even more profound.

But this, this email is epic, it is, as my imaginary abuela would say, "Una curiosa coincidencia". I have a thing for Spanish. Use the Koodo commercial voice-over voice and you'll understand why. Okay, maybe you won't but it's a language I've wanted to master for a looong time. Well before Dora was on the scene with her constant demand of checking maps and her unhealthy relationship with a naked monkey that wears only boots. And the yelling! Dios mío. Basta!

date Wed, Sep 21, 2011 at 4:20 PM
subject stings

Hi CJ,
I have a train story that relates to your unfortunate incident from today. When I lived in Oshawa, I took what was the 7:55 am train. I can remember this incident, probably three years ago or so where a bunch of us were standing on the platform waiting for the train to roll in after it had been delayed. There was this woman standing about arm's length from me. There was a wasp crawling along the back of her shoulder so I attempted to swipe it off her and told her there was a wasp. I can't even begin to describe this woman's reaction but she reminded me of the Tazmanian Devil. She whirled one way and then another, ripped off her jacket and threw it to the ground. I sort of stood back because all I was thinking was what the hell is wrong with this woman? She wasn't screaming but you could see she was distraught. I helped her pick up her jacket and she kept asking me if the "bee" was gone. As the train rolled in, she didn't look right and she was trembling. I asked her if she was okay. She mumbled something and then just left - walked right off the platform. So strange. I'll never forget it.

Great site by the way. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading it everyday.

When this email came in I hollered for my husband. He read it. He knew.

Oh my god, he says. That was you!

Yes, it was. The six degrees of separation is closing in, folks. If a wasp manages to joyride along in a coach, I freeze. In fact, I will run. I have crazy in me. I know I've shown the crazy to others. I'm a blog about my blog.

Of course, Angela thinks this is hysterical. When I wrote her back she actually called me. Now that was bold. I rarely get direct from email calls but all she said in her voicemail was, "Girl. You lying".


Off Topic: Things I've learned so far today

1. I can't hammer a nail straight to save my life.

2. Bread boards make great wall brackets when trying to cover an old phone bracket with a pushpin white board.

3. Hornets will make a nest in your BBQ cover and when you unroll it, they will swarm and sting you.

4. Walk-in clinics will give you an epi-pen shot without you having to wait.

5. Calling your husband hysterical over being stung and getting his voicemail sucks.

Storytime may be delayed, kiddies. As a GO commuter, delays shouldn't faze you

I've exhausted most of my content for this week. I have some more crazy text exchanges I need my husband to transcribe for context as he very much enjoys the randomness and obscurity of people confused by what this website is. "Is it GO Transit, it looks like Go Transit. I'm not sure if I remember seeing their logo wearing a pair of tattered shorts and having arms ripped like a 1970s Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I'm gonna send a text message all the same ... " It never gets old.

I'm also not Go-ing it today, tomorrow or Friday as the final Smith Casa de Home Makeover phase of my "let's paint the whole fucking house initiative" is coming to a close as the new flooring comes in today. Installation should be finished by Saturday. The fact my marriage survived is nothing short of a miracle.

Because I have to cram 1400 square feet of furniture, including an upright piano, into a powder room and 1 small bedroom, I am without a home office and my husband hides his laptop (don't ask, ok, one day I'll tell the story). I'm left with only my Blackberry and if I can, I will try to amuse you over the next couple of days. No promises, tho.

So unless something epically fantastico happens on the train you're on and you get off your fat ass and email me about it (PICTURES PEOPLE) it may be a little dry around here, but it all starts up again on Monday.

Email! From the Stouffville folk and it's not about where Stouffville is on a map!

from M.C.
date Tue, Sep 20, 2011 at 6:28 PM
subject Finally someone that understands :)

Riding the 6pm stouffville train here, and I have to wonder why some people get all in a huff when you nicely ask them to lower their headphone volumes. Now I know people have (noise canceling) headphones, but every single person around my compartment is looking at him, so clearly his music is too loud.

We can hear all the beats, the lyrics and the sounds of what seems like seriously hardcore music. This guy listening to his rock music gets all mad and leaves after I ask him to turn it down. I only asked him to *lower* the volume.

His response: " I've never been told my music's too loud before." My reply: "People are just too scared to tell you." His reply: "I'm not a scary guy." Mine: "I know, so that's why it'd be nice to turn the volume down."

So he packs up, saying that he would rather remove himself from the situation. Of course, he reminds me to not listen to my own iPod too loud. Aw, how classy and considerate of him!

Ugh... Someone needs to invest in some quality headphones.

-rider on the stouffville line.
Here's what I have to say about M.C.'s willingness to take a stand:


Actually, this deserves three more cheerleaders:

*\o/* *\o/* *\o/*

Go locomotives on holiday

In sunny Santa Barbara, California. Doing the conga with two Amtrack locomotives.

This picture is missing something. I want to Photoshop a bikini on that engine but I don't think the photographer, Joe Blackwell, who appears to be a die-hard railhead, would approve. So I won't.

- Photo embedded and linked from

Thanks to Dan-1 for the link.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Moses, let people off the train!

You Oshawa door donkeys are outta control. People exiting at Whitby shouldn't have to ask you to move and because of this "me first off the train" ape way of thinking, this man who tried to get off the train is now riding to Oshawa.
I can tell he's pissed.
It's well after six o'clock so I don't know why you assholes have to line up like there's no tomorrow seeing as most daycares have a 6pm cut-off. Just be respectful there are stations before yours.

People of public transit

Hilarious blog. Rises to heights that I can't. Exposes lows far below what I can manage.

This one photo caught my eye.

I always wanted to dress up as a front lawn for Halloween.

Source -> People of public

Coz I gotta pee and I'm grumpy

date Mon, Sep 19, 2011 at 8:18 PM
subject oshawa washroom security officer

Hey, the whole time I was on the train I was dying because I knew I had to write an email about this woman I got off at Oshawa with and her issues.

I was in the first coach and sitting on the main level on the train going to Oshawa that left Union at 6:18 P.M.. The bathroom was one of the larger accessible kind. Apparently lots of people had too much to drink because the bathroom was getting used more than a (omitted due to vulgarity- CJ). Know what I mean?

Then this guy goes in and this was around Rouge Hill. We're just pulling out of Ajax when the woman sitting in the two seater starts stomping her feet and slapping her book against the pole.

She's talking to anyone who will listen, including me. She's all pissed that the guy is taking to long and that she has to pee and it's making her mad. Last time I checked there were toilets in every coach. She's sitting there, crossing her legs and bouncing her legs like a complete idiot.

Some man sitting across from her suggests she use another bathroom but she shakes her head saying she shouldn't have to move.

I'm getting a little concerned myself because I'm wondering if the guy has died or either he has Crohn's and it's ridiculous this woman thinks the bathroom is her own en-suite. She even said if he was doing number 2, he should wait for the station or get off at a station.

Finally, just as we leave Whitby, the guy comes out of the washroom. Who the hell would want to go in there after that?! Especially if the guy was crunching a loaf for 20 minutes??? This woman gets up and charges into the washroom and slams the rolling door close behind her.

There was no need for such dramatics. Other people come down the stairs and a person tries to open the door and the woman insides screams at the top of her lungs: "It's occupied!" Holy crap. She comes out and makes this big production about having to pee and that it made her grumpy. Just wow.


It's only foot-ridin' when the turnips do it

from Jonathan Xxxxxx
date Wed, Sep 14, 2011 at 9:28 PM
subject (no subject)

Apparently I was a foot rider. I get excused because I was a cute one, right?
Jonathon then attached a photo of himself as a wee lad on the GO train.

to Jonathan Xxxxxx
date Wed, Sep 14, 2011 at 9:29 PM
subject Re: (no subject)

Aww. Absolutely! Provided you wiped down those shoes with baby wipes!
Very sweet. Thanks.

from Jonathan Xxxxxx
date Wed, Sep 14, 2011 at 10:03 PM
subject Re: (no subject)

I should hope it was cleaned after.
PS, if you even end up doing an expose on Lil' Foot Riders, you have my permission to use my picture :P

Off Topic: Bored? No really, are you?

Check out these scans from a Best Buy flyer from 1996.

A new Macintosh PowerPC would have set you back about $2400.00 US. That was about $3800.00 CAD (maybe more) and doesn't include the monitor. Another $500 got you a nice 15 inch boat anchor. See Page 9.

And for $2500.00 (again, all prices USD) you could really take advantage of a laptop. With an 11-inch display! Bet you thought you were the cock of the walk back then, right Fancy? See Page 10.

Oh, and don't forgot your Sony Walkman - a steal at $14.99. See Page 11.

Make sure you check out the pimpin' cell phones on Page 7.

These trolls. They angry ...

You'll notice that I'm using a different Blogger ID pic when I comment. Gone is my Hulk avatar.

It was only a matter of time before someone, riding a train somewhere, or sitting all cozy in an office tower, clicked on a post and recognized either themselves, co-workers, train buddies, siblings, the guy that sells you milk, etc., and got super-mad. Got all righteous and gasp, called me a bully.

This website would be nothing without the pictorials. I do my best to obscure faces. I myself am forever immortalized in a group photo for what was the grand opening of The Docks nightclub wearing a hairstyle that really didn't suit me and an outfit that my best friend should have slapped off my body. I didn't mind having my picture taken. I was in a public place after all. What I did mind was that my face was clearly distinguishable. This picture became a poster. And then it became a nightmare. There's nothing like having your mom call you up months later, because she had taken the subway back from a doctor's appointment, to ask you if it's you who is half-dressed in a poster for a nightclub wearing a tube top you had no business wearing. Ah, 1997. I don't miss ya. But I sure learned from ya.

So to make it fair, I have put up a photo of myself in an an obscured pose.

Now we're even.

Fail of the Navigator

date: Tue, Sep 13, 2011 at 10:01 PM
subject: Stouffville

You're wrong. Stouffville is east of Uxbridge. Get a map you dummy.

date: Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 7:37 PM
subject: Re: Stouffville

I have no idea what the heck you're talking about but I found a minute to analyze your email and tried to to connect it with a post. Are you SpongeBob? I don't recall giving anyone directions to Stouffville but I went ahead and got myself a map like you said and call me crazy (Ha ha! That's a joke, get it ... seeing as this is the Crazy Train website and all) and Stouffville looks to be west of Uxbridge. Who's the dummy now? Not I!

- Cindy

date: Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 8:04 PM
subject: Stouffville

It took you two days to answer this email? Wow. Glad you don't work in Customer Service.

date: Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 8:16 PM
subject: Re: Stouffville

What? But I don't work in customer service ... You implied I didn't know where Stouffville was on a map. So, to prepare for the day when I'm a contestant on Jeopardy! The Canadian Edition, I located it on a map and corrected you. It's not east but west of Uxbridge.

date: Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 8:22 PM
subject: Stouffville

What a sad person you are. If you're going to give directions to customers, at least be right. Stouffville is east of Uxbridge.

date: Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 8:27 PM
subject: Re: Stouffville

Are you a robot?

Oh my god, are you like V.I.C.I. from Small Wonder?! Where when your battery drains you repeat the same thing over and over? I used to think Ted was hot.

date: Thu, Sep 15, 2011 at 8:30 PM
subject: Stouffville

Are you mental? Why do you keep bothering me?
That's how I left it, folks. Some people just can't be saved from the stupid gene.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Should have used the accessibility ramp

This was sent via picture message to my Blackberry. With no description. I texted the person back and got no response. That was five days ago. So ... I can only hope this wasn't someone who was bucking it for a GO train at a station along one of the corridors. If it was, I hope to God he's all right.

My trained eye tells me this photo is staged. So don't panic. Look at how the crutches have been placed. Not to get all Matlock on you, but you'd think the crutches would have landed on the ground after sliding down the stairs. Right? No? Is it real?

Does this mean my headline grants me a one-way ticket to Hell? Aw c'mon, if you laughed, you know there's a spot reserved for you in that handbasket.

Um, MacGyver? You dropped something

For the young'uns who don't know what it means to "macgyver" something.

From wikipedia:
The series revolved around Angus MacGyver (known to his friends as "MacGyver" or "Mac"), whose main asset is his practical application of scientific knowledge and inventive use of common items—along with his ever-present Swiss Army knife. The clever solutions MacGyver implemented to seemingly unsolvable problems — often in life-or-death situations requiring him to improvise complex devices in a matter of minutes — were a major attraction of the show, which was praised for generating interest in the applied sciences, particularly engineering,[3] and for providing entertaining story lines.
The use of ordinary household items to jury rig devices shows an influence from The A-Team (though MacGyver eschewed firearms). The idea has entered United States popular culture: such constructions are referred to as "MacGyverisms" (a term first used in episode 3 of season 2, "Twice Stung"). MacGyver has become a verb, as in "The car broke down but he MacGyvered a fix to get home".
Thanks to David for the pic. Lord knows what the story is behind this.

Tonight's special: Parma Fettucini

The outlets available on some coaches are not meant for hotplates but it shouldn't surprise you that people do plug in small kitchen appliances such as the lady on the Stouffville line who boils a kettle.

There was an incident on the LSW last Wednesday night where a few people texted and wrote me to tell me about a woman who was attempting to cook pasta noodles on the train.
There's no photo to back this up but seeing as there were a few eyewitnesses, it's most likely true.
Someone went to tell the CSA out of fear of this woman starting a fire.

I have a ton of questions about this that I just didn't think to ask at the time.

Where did she get the water from? Hopefully not from the on-board bathroom. Ewww.

How long does it take to bring water to a boil on a hotplate? Last time I tried this, after I allowed myself to be coerced into some shit called "camping", which is basically like living out in your backyard only 300 kilometres away in a forest, the water wouldn't boil. I have trees in my backyard by the way. I never understood why my husband convinced me he needed a 1,000 pound cast iron, 6-burner, Vermont Castings barbecue. What? Cooking meat in our backyard requires an elaborate cooking appliance but in some forest somewhere, a stick and a firepit will do? The hell?

Anyhow, back to boiling water, people who were in a house on wheels (call it a trailer if you want, but compared to a tent and sleeping bag, it's a house) next to our campsite (how is that camping?) let us borrow their electricity. Three hours later, we managed to kill the battery in their camper and I had water hot enough to melt chocolate and nothing more. I slept in the car that night. Earwigs and I are NOT friends.

Espionage. He has it.

Here's Bond decoding the microfiche from behind his big black briefcase. It was all up in my business. How could I not take a picture?

He was even dressed the part right down to the black turtleneck sweater.

Oh Miss Moneypenny ...


Took my daughter swimming Sunday. This parking lot was FULL. Why? Because of parking donkeys. We left a note. My husband relished every word he wrote.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Despite what others are telling you ...

GO Transit has never had a strike in its 45-year history. So for those who wrote about so called chaos from the last strike are confused and may be thinking about a strike that affected another transit system, not GO.

If the union heads into a strike, you can expect trains operating. What you can also expect are picket lines at stations and the inability to purchase tickets at ticket counters. You will also be stranded if you rely on GO buses.

Those with Presto cards can travel uninterrupted during a strike provided cardholders use the website to re-load or subscribe to auto-load. Those who rely on passes and paper-ride tickets won't be able to purchase fares. There's no word on how GO will enforce fares on trains and if the strike affects their security staff who often conduct ticket inspections.


Dear Parents, let's chat

I know riding the GO Train is exciting for your little ones. I know you want to believe in your heart of hearts that commuting on public transit is safe, especially on GO Transit and generally, it is.

But this is a much different society we live in from the one that you and I grew up in, where our parents didn't think twice about handing us a quarter so we could ride the Annette 4 bus, one whole kilometre down to Bloor Street, in Toronto's west end, at the age of 6, to attend tap dancing classes. Alone.

That's not to say nothing happened. Because it did. We just didn't talk about it as much. Or think about it as much.

Friday night I was on the 10:13 pm LSE to Oshawa. The lower section of the first coach was fairly empty. A crowd of young men and older male teens were upstairs, drunk/happy/crazy, probably from the Blue Jays game. They were loud, carrying on ... just another Friday night on the GO.

In my section sat a father with his two children. A boy about 4 and a girl about 8, maybe 9. Just around Guildwood, the young girl breezed past me before turning around to tell her father she didn't know where the bathrooms were. He says, "Upstairs. Just go". And off she went. Her body language was telling me she was a little apprehensive. I put my BlackBerry down, said out loud, "Are you serious?" Then I turned around to face the father and said, "I'd go with her". To which he replied, "She's all right."

Disgusted, I got up and told him the bathroom is the other way and went after his daughter. Like hell I'm gonna let an 8 year old girl, at this hour, walk through a train, out of site and go into a bathroom. Unsupervised.

I caught up with the girl who was standing at the top of the stairs in the upper section. She looked nervous and was clinging to the handrails. The men on that level were goofing off, one sitting on the floor in the middle of the aisle while his friend tapped him over the head with an empty beer bottle, both singing out of key. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn", I believe. I motioned to her with my hand and said, "Come with me. Let's go get your father." She hesitated and then her facial expression changed. As I turned around, I nearly collided with the girl's father. Boy, was I angry and I told him so. I'm also a stranger. But I knew if I got up and went after her, he'd at least realize the point I was trying to make. What's stopping some guy from doing the same? Right? Only my intentions were to help. But he doesn't know that. That's my point. YOU DON'T KNOW.

He knew he screwed up.

I don't care what people think about me and my actions. Having been a young girl, having been in a situation where a man took it upon himself to touch me inappropriately as I exited a TTC bus, I know it takes mere seconds for a girl to be put in a situation where she's targeted. It can happen so fast. A brush of a hand across the chest, the pressing of the groin into one's back. In no way am I implying that all men or women, regardless of age or state of sobriety are criminals lying in wait, but I am telling you, shit happens.

Be smart. Don't let your children out of sight until you're confident they can take care of themselves. Don't put them in situations where they don't have the wherewithal to know how to defend themselves. If they turn around and look unsure, get up and be a parent.

Parenting is hard. I know this much is true. I'm doing it myself but we can no longer teach our children to "swim" by throwing them into the water and hoping for the best.

The Hell? What happened to the benches?

You know the ones. In the east Bay Street Teamway? Solid metal. Mesh pattern. Painted baby blue and white. The kind you see in a jail, in the visitation waiting area. Not that I've spent much time in jails but I've seen them on tv.

This bummed me out. I had some time before the 10:13 pm train last night and would have liked to sit for a bit. Take a load off. Rest my feet. Are they off to be spray painted? Maybe green and white? Oooh, that'd be edgy.

Friday, September 16, 2011

These are the GO bus idiots most of us have to restrain ourselves from beating up

1. No headphones
2. MP3 player set to external speaker
3. Monotone sing-along voice

Bette Davis eyes, indeed.

Go Transit Olympics

Isn't it nice to be popular? Especially when it's for all the wrong reasons?

I'm printing out this posting and will be placing it folded under the windshield wiper of this Ford Escape so the owner reads it.


You're not special.

These photos of your vehicle were taken by two different people and I received several more throughout the morning. What pissed people off enough to snap photos is that the parking lot wasn't even full, but you chose to park like a douche anyway.

It's hard for those of us who do follow the rules to respect you and your decision to park on the curbed island. You're not exempt from the rules. I can't understand why you would do this but you set a precedent when you do, because by 4pm today, you'll be joined by other assholes and your plan to be "deserted" on your own parking island will have gone awry. If I can swallow it and park my $55,000 Ford Flex Limited out in the lot with the "regular" folk, seeing as you seem to feel you *are* better than everyone else, then I'm sure you can also stomach it with your $28,000 Ford Escape.

Have a good night,
CJ Smith
Editor, Ride This Crazy Train