Thursday, September 15, 2011

Rise of the Super-Douche

I was in the throes of fixing myself a drink, get this, 1 part GIN, 1 part GREEN APPLE MARTINI MIX, 4 parts 7UP = Alcoholic Awesomeness or AA for short, when my BlackBerry chirped. My kitchen has a butler pantry which my husband and I also call the state room (say it in a Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island voice for the full effect). It's so bizarre seeing as there's nothing fancy about this house and no dining room to speak of, so really, it's a closet with a French door. We use it as our bar. Sorry, my husband just gave me an eye-roll. *I* use it as my bar.

Sipping my AA martini, I made myself comfortable on the floor of my bar and opened up my email. I was greeted with a message from Super-Douche. Super-Douche was bat-shit angry that I published his BBM exchange. He's also super-mad that I published his user name which he now has to change since he uses it for other things. I can't imagine what those other things could be?

Anyhoo, here's what Super-Douche pounded out:
"You must be mentally retarded or have some kind of mental deficiency because I was taking YOU up on YOUR OFFER by publishing your BBM PIN to send you messages. And because you are such a cocktease the second someone tries to joke around with you, you turn into a mean vindictive shithead and then go ahead and pull the stunt of making me deaf in one ear. SECOND, you published our BBM messages and you put them in a context that made me look like an idiot and you didn't hide my user name WHICH I USE FOR OTHER THINGS. You're a stupid c---."
Oh yeah, he went there.
"You can't take a joke even when someone is joking to flirt with you. You also made it sound like I just got off a boat with the way you just left the sentences like that when people know that BBMs aren't perfect. Plus you were too pussy to publish all of it so people could read how nasty you can be when I was beating you at your own game. You're so stupid to think that I wouldn't think you'd publish what I was writing. Don't you think THAT'S WHY I wrote that way so you WOULD be gullible. You're such a fucktard. I hope it makes you happy that you've caused me grief. I should take your mobile number and plug into one of those online auto-dialers..."
By this point, I'm done my AA martini and asking my hubby his opinion on whether vodka would mix well with Kool-Aid seeing as we have no other mixable juices in the house. We're also mocking this guy who has dialed up the crazy times a billion.
"...and then you can see how much it sucks when someone violates your trust. You may think it's all innocent how you present yourself but it's mean. I really meant it when I said someone should shove a broomstick up your ass because at least it would loosen you up."
Guess what? Vodka does mix well with Bluebery Kool-Aid. My husband and I have christened the drink, "Super-Douche".



Walt said...

Something tells me that wandering into my local pub and asking the bartender to "Gimme a Super Douche" isn't gonna go over big.

C.J. Smith said...

It's all in how your present it.

Walt said...

And oh, anyone who uses the c-word to describe a woman is despicable and deserves to be slapped, either figuratively or physically.

C.J. Smith said...

Oh for sure. My husband's chest got all puffy. He was ready for a beatdown but I can hold my own.

Al said...

OMG you really blew the whistle!!!

I thought you were kidding

Anonymous said...

If he thinks he was flirting before, he really needs to go out and buy the "Flirting for Dummies" book and 6 month training program.

Somehow I think he spends a lot of lonely nights with Pamela Handerson and Handi Lefti.

Night Nurse on the run said...

If anything untoward happens to you CJ this guy would be the first suspect. Coresponding with you as a result of contact on your blog or twitter is open to public disclosure.
Anger management might help the guy.

Sylv said...

Okay kids, can you spot the contradictions?

"You're so stupid to think that I wouldn't think you'd publish what I was writing. Don't you think THAT'S WHY I wrote that way so you WOULD be gullible" followed by "You also made it sound like I just got off a boat with the way you just left the sentences like that when people know that BBMs aren't perfect"

So he knew you would publish what he wrote, so he wrote that way on purpose, but is mad that you published what he wrote?

Night Nurse pulling into Union said...

Will this content spark a revival of your comedy career

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that whatever stereotypes I had formed based on his user name, the content of both emails, etc. seems to have been right on the money. You are dealing with someone who automatically thinks woman are beneath them.

Siddiqi is an arab word for "friend". I came across a TON of a-holes like this when I lived overseas.

My assumptions aside, Buddy has defintitely needs to QUIT reading Tucker Max books. That does him no favours.

Skin Man said...

I am sorry that you must put up with this nonsense for my sick pleasure....but I confess I LOVE THIS SH*T.

Does this man have no filters what so ever?

C.J. Smith said...

re: Siddiqi

That's interesting. It really shows how he sees himself.

My nephew has more game than this guy on his daycare playground.

C.J. Smith said...

@Skin Man

There's MOAR. Baby steps.

Donna said...

Vodka mixes well with anything. In fact lose the gin and the 7up as equal parts of vodka and green apple mix make an awesome martini. no need to water down your martinis with so much mix CJ!!

As for SuperDouche, oh well, lots of those out there. He's just another Fucktard.


lswgirl13 said...

He really used the C-word???

Squiggles said...

I must be one of the most naive people on the planet. I can't for the life of me figure out how CJ is a tease. I mean, between the fake lesbain rumours and this guy, I would think it was more obvious.

Still, issues. Buddy needs to troll Plenty of Fish for his needs. Or cough up 50 bucks for a Ladyt of the Evening.

C.J. Smith said...

He most certainly did pull out the c-word.

Anonymous said...

Dude is nothin' but a contradiction

rs4 said...

slut. slut. slut. whore. bitch. cunt.
Dare you to delete. Suck my cock, bitch.

GOTransitBitch said...

WOW. I've been away far too long.

I'm guessing Sidd has small man syndrome. So to speak.

Kudos for not rising to the dare. I think you should leave it. The police will need the evidence when he implodes.

Ah...Kool-Aid and vodka. Tastes great, and only pennies and glass.