Another "What do I do?" moment

In late August, a reader texted me asking my opinion about confronting another passenger about a visible poop stain on her pants. I told that person to say nothing. I also didn't want to see a photo. The person obliged.

Today, I received another text asking for my opinion on an incident a fellow passenger witnessed in the Whitby GO parking lot.

Apparently I'm the f*cking Ann Flanders of GO commuting. These poor sods don't have anywhere else to turn! I suggest purchasing a Magic 8-ball. Mine seems to have all the answers.

Becky sent the following text at 7:57 am this morning (9054420352). Apparently Becky works for some archaic telegram service because she wrote me like she was sending me bad news circa World War II.

Hey... Am at Whitby lot... Saw man running... Bag caught on car side mirror... Cracked it... It's hanging... Guy just kept running... What to do!? ... Should leave note?

Dammit, girl. Just go catch the damn train. If I had told you to leave a note, what would it say? "Tall, white man. Black bag. Mid-30s. Broke your mirror. Call me to discuss".

That describes nearly the whole town of Whitby.

On your way home tonight, if the car is still there, leave a note telling the owner you'll try to find the guy.

If you see the dude tomorrow, hand him an invoice for what you think the repair would cost. Then take his photo and make a whole bunch of WANTED posters back at the office. Post them around the station until he gives in and waits for you under a lamp post in some dark corner in the parking lot and slips you some bills.

Good luck!

Honestly? Shits and giggles aside, that's a pretty shitty thing for someone to do. That person is accountable for his actions and hopefully does the right thing when he heads home tonight by finding the car he damaged and leaving his number with an offer to pay for the repair.

Better do it dude, Becky's watching you.

Here's what my Magic 8-ball had to say when I asked if the guy will pay for the mirror.

Your crabby vacation makes me crabby

Submitted by Angela H. to cj@thiscrazytrain.com

I was subjected to a gross and TMI* conversation last night on the Lakeshore East train by a group of women going on and on about how one of the women conceived her set of twins while on a Caribbean vacation.

The woman went into explicit details about being pinched by crabs, both her and her husband, as they did the deed at night on the beach.

She found her story hysterically funny and she punctuated each sentence with loud, cackling laughter. I don't think she realized that it wasn't clear what kind of crabs were giving her and husband discomfort.

Why would anyone talk about having sex, possibly with pubic crabs, on a beach, on a public train?

*TMI = Too Much Information

Damn chicken took me down

I think I've been poisoned by some unfavorable and shoddy chicken from Saturday night. Sunday was a blur, yesterday was like riding a never-ending wave of doom searching for lobster on some obscure Maritime Bay, and today I'm just exhausted from all that fishing.

Worst... Thanksgiving... EVER.

Tomorrow it is. On.

I've been duped! (So have you)

Karen K. was kind enough to point out to me that the story I overheard two ladies talking about on the train Friday night was ... not ... real.

It's an urban legend.

Here's the background as found on Snopes.com.

Here's my original post.

But not only did this urban myth wind its way into the gossip circles of the train and onto my blog, it's even hit YouTube!

I caught a trawl

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UPDATE
I've since learned this story is an urban legend. However, read on!

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In true FML fashion, I had to head back to the office tonight after realizing I had left a very important - personal - document at work that I needed for the weekend.

I actually managed to take the 4:53 home tonight and got into Oshawa at 5:38, only to get in my car and let out a huge, "Oh fffffuuuuuuddddgggge". Only I didn't say "fudge", when I realized what I had forgotten at work.

So I took the train back into Toronto because the 401 looked like a dog's breakfast. I grabbed my stuff and hoofed it back to Union.

I managed to catch the 7:17 back to Oshawa and bore witness to one of the most incredible stories I have ever heard.

There were two ladies across from me discussing a recent event involving a co-worker of one of these women.

Let's call her Darla.

Darla has an adult son with Down Syndrome who lives with her and stays home during the day while she works. Apparently he's self-sufficient and can be trusted to stay by himself, or so she thought.

She went to work one day last week and in the morning got a phone call from her son, who for the sake of this story I'll call Davey. Davey is excited and tells Darla he caught a trawl. She had no idea what he was talking about and brushed him off.

At lunch time, he phones again and says, "Mum! I put the trawl in the closet so you can see him". She doesn't understand what he's excited about and ignores him.

At 3pm, he calls again and is finally able to blurt out that he's got a TROLL in the house. Darla finally grows concerned and decides to leave early so she can go home and see what Davey is excited about.

When she gets to her front door, the door only opens part way because the La-Z-Boy rocker from her living room is wedged in front of the hall closet and the front door. She rings the bell and Davey comes running. He excitedly pushes the rocker out of the way and swings opens the closet door.

Inside was a "little person" dressed in a suit, pale as a ghost, and scared out of his mind.

Her son had locked a Jehovah Witness who had come to the door early that morning in the hall closet.

Darla was mortified. She mentally made a list of all the crimes her son had just committed ... forcible confinement ... kidnapping.

The man bolted from the house, even before Darla could apologize. Meanwhile her son is on the front porch screaming for the troll to come back because he wanted to keep him.

I didn't get to hear what the aftermath of this story was because the women got off at Ajax.

All I know is that never in my life have I had to hold in laughter as hard as I had to tonight.

Roll six for strength

Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. He has it.

$$$ Working hard for the money $$$

Kelly writes, "Whitby GO is looking to make a buck anywhere it can, including the lines between spot$! Check it out!"

Submitted by email to cj@thiscrazytrain.com

A big fat thank you to the jerk who busted my car

Submitted by email to cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Gather round folks, tuck yourself into a quad or two. Be sure to remove your shoes and snuggle up on the seat because this gem of scumbaggery comes from reader Martina N.

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Hi there! Love your blog and thought I would share a story for you. A bit of a shout out if you will.

Last night (Oct. 6) I got back to my car at the Oshawa GO station parking lot and from a distance I noticed a piece of paper on my windshield and assumed it was an ad. Then I got closer...my front bumper was hanging off my car and a piece of it was lying in the spot next to mine! My jaw dropped. I stared for a minute before I grabbed the paper. I assumed it was from the person who did it, but it was not. It was from my new favourite anonymous person (people?) who had witnessed the guy parked beside me hitting my car and leaving. He/she had left a description of the vehicle (I actually remembered seeing it when I got there in the morning) and a license plate number. The police confirmed that the plate information was correct. He is from out of town, so it might take a few days to track him down, but they are on the job. I just wanted to thank my anonymous hero and give an F you to the jerk who couldn't be bothered to leave a note! I guess for every crazy person, there is a good person to help even things out.

You psychos are on your own tomorrow

Thursday, I'm hitching a ride into work, doing my part to destroy the planet, so I can transport two apple tarts (photo above) to my company's bake sale.

The last time I carried baked goods onto the train I completely forgot about my Tupperware container holding 30 homemade butter tarts that I had shoved under my seat. It took me an hour to prepare and make them from scratch the night before.

I stood on the platform and watched the train pull away, headed to Aldershot, after I hoofed it back up the stairs when it dawned on me at the corner of Front and Bay that I forgot my f**king butter tarts.

I had night terrors about what happened to them. Visions of crew members happily tossing the batch into the trash shook me awake for several nights. What I really hoped was that some sweet old lady found them and fed them to her friends at her afternoon soaps club. Then they all drank tea and patted their bellies, thanking "Gladys" for the treat.

But we all know that's not how it went down.

Oshawa Go Lot. Island Parking

If GO Transit were to enforce their lots as well as their platforms fining smokers and for illegal parking, the cost of my monthly pass from Oshawa to Union would only be $100.

Submitted by Sarah K. via picture and text message to 9054420352

Union Station, Wednesday night. Illiterate.

Submitted by email to cj@thiscrazytrain by Anonymous

Airing the stank

Submitted by Kaylaa C. by picture message to 9054420352

Guess who was awarded "Shout Out of the Day"?

Published in the October 6th Edition of t.o.night newspaper. Pg. 13.

Original blog post from October 5th

Finally, Google got its crap together

This blog made its debut in February but the posts go back further as they were collected from old Facebook status updates of mine. I have managed to post every day except for weekends. All this hard work of typing on my crappy webphone has paid off. This site has been "found" by Google!

www.thiscrazytrain.com was crawled and indexed by Google's 'googlebot' yesterday for almost 8 hours. This means every post was indexed in Google's taxonomy.

I know I'm totally geeking out here but I'm getting to why this is important.

This means that the search field up at the top of this blog now works!

My goal is to knock all references to Ozzy Osbourne's Crazy Train off the first page of Google when someone searches for "crazy train".

It may take four years but it's a huge victory when your blog makes it into Google.

It also helps that you folks read it. So thank you!

Probably the best scam going

Maybe it was the mood I was in, having to hoof it in piss-pour rain to catch the 10:13 (as in PM), or that I fell victim to this scam once before ... but I blew off a guy tonight looking for a hand-out.

I was accosted by a dude tonight outside the Bay Street Teamway who gave me this long-winded story about losing his wallet and needing a GO bus ticket back to Barrie and that he was down here visiting his mom blah blah blah, and could I lend him the last 10 bucks? He then proceeds to show me what he's collected so far, being sure to emphasize that he's "not a bum".

In the Fall of 2008, I was approached by a guy in a suit outside the ACC who fed me a similar sob story about having come to Toronto for a job interview from London, only to lose his wallet and he was short 20 dollars for his VIA ticket.

I gave him the money.

Only a few months later, just after Christmas, I saw this d-bag again, pulling the same routine outside the Union bus terminal.

I marched over and asked him how much he needed. This time it was 40 dollars.

I took out my phone and said we should call his wife (this was part of the 'story' - needing to get home to the wife and kids) and ask her to call VIA and reserve a ticket for him by credit card. He stared at me blankly and made up some BS excuse that they just moved into a new home and he couldn't remember the phone number. So, I said, how about a cell number for the wife? Guess what? She doesn't have one. Where's his? I ask. Again, doesn't have one.

Right.

So I said I would go with him to the counter and pay the difference for his ticket with my credit card. He then asks if I would consider buying the whole ticket so he could use the cash he's collected to buy food, because he hasn't eaten all day. I said I'd buy him a sandwich. He said he didn't want to put me out.

Right.

Two to one, he'd turn around and refund that ticket or at least try to. GO tickets are refundable and I've learned this is also part of this scam. These d-bags will take anyone up on their offer to buy a GO ticket only to refund it once the duped soul has left, telling the ticket agent they're now getting a ride home from a friend.

You may have seen these scammers actually come onto the train asking for money for tickets. Don't give them any.

I know there are people who legitimately find themselves in such a situation and will ask for help but these people would be asking people standing near a ticket counter, not out on the street.

Once the guy finished his story, I answered him in French.

Good book, eh? See ya later!

Pork tenderloin

There's nothing more entertaining (not really) than listening to other commuters discuss their Thanksgiving plans. It's also very apparent there are many families who can't seem to get their shit together when it comes to the holiday.

It comes every year. How can anyone not know whose house one is going to and vice versa?

Yesterday, a young woman riding next to me had a nuclear meltdown over trying to move dinner to Saturday. This morning an English chap spent 40 minutes discussing the pros and cons with his wife of moving dinner from Monday to Sunday.

But the best moment so far (I realize it's only Tuesday) about this weekend's upcoming festivities was a woman on the train last night who had a discussion with her husband on her cellphone just after we pulled out of Pickering. I'll call her Pork Tenderloin Lady or PTL for short.

PTL: Oh hi honey. It's me. I was thinking... remember that pork tenderloin we had about five or six years ago at Auntie Carol's?

(Pause)

PTL: What do you mean you don't remember? It was the dinner when Katy was there. What was that? 2004 or something... It was a lovely tenderloin and she had stuffed it with something ...

(Pause)

PTL: Katy is Auntie Carol's daughter. ... How can you not know that?!

(Pause)

PTL: I'm asking about that dinner to see if you remember the tenderloin.

(CJ says: Holy hell. I can't remember what I ate for lunch yesterday never mind some random dinner from five years ago...)

(Pause)

PTL: Anyway, it doesn't matter. Auntie Carol said she had gotten the recipe from Google. Are you near the computer? .... Well go to the computer!

(Pause)

PTL: That can wait. This is important. Type in pork tenderloin. Add the word stuffed after that.

(Pause)

PTL: Because I only want stuffed recipes.

(Pause)

PTL: Is anything coming back? ... Read me the first one.

(Pause)

PTL: I know there are a lot. Just read the first five or so.

(Pause)

PTL: I don't want to call Auntie Carol.

(Pause)

PTL: Because she probably won't remember.

Sorry I grabbed your ass

This morning, I was turned outward on an outside seat and went to re-adjust my body when my foot kicked out (wet floors and all) and tripped a woman making her way down the aisle.
Instinctively, I reached out to stop her from falling and grabbed her ass.
Needless to say, she wasn't impressed.
One day, she'll recognize my intentions were merely heroic.

Sooo, my Richmond Hill fans, how was tonight?

A GO Train locomotive sits off its rails in Richmond Hill after an incident officials describe as 'minor.' (Ali Tawfiq - Special to CP24.com)

via CP24.com

GO Transit says a train derailment caused it to temporarily stop service on its Richmond Hill line Monday morning.

Transit officials say the "minor derailment" happened just after 7:30 a.m. and the the 7:25 a.m. and 7:55 a.m. trains from Richmond Hill station to Union station were suspended. Service resumed just before 10 a.m.

York Regional Police say no injuries have been reported but a user on Twitter says one rail car came off the tracks and passengers are being asked to move down the train for "safety reasons".

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Hands down, this is scary. This derailment may have been "minor" but is a train derailment really "minor"? Thankfully, no one was hurt. Apparently "emergency track repair" was all the rage this evening.

Pickering shenanigans

Submitted by Olivia via email (cj@thiscrazytrain.com)

I wanted to mention what happened this morning on the Pickering 7:21 Express (that instead left at 7:26).

My husband, friend, and I, got on the first coach and sat in a 4-seater. An older gentleman with ear buds was the only other person sitting there. We started to chat - not in that annoying loud and laughing Monday morning sort of way, more like a "so my daughter got a train set this weekend" sort of way - and the gentleman proceeded to look at us, get up and went to stand by the door.

Ok, we figure maybe he is not too much of a morning person? Then he moves from his spot guarding the door and goes to sit elsewhere. Ok. Now I'm getting offended. I make a comment about presuming to be too loud and my friend puts her yoga mat in the place he once occupied.

We continue our conversation - again at courteous Go-train-Monday-morning-level - and the lady across from us makes a point of huffing and puffing and covering herself with her Barney purple wrap and turning away from us. We look at each other, shrug and continue our conversation about why my friend did not take her one year old to the zoo on Saturday.

Well our new not-so-happy-Monday-am commuter companion continues with her hemming and hawing and proceeds to get up and join our old companion (who has now re-taken up his post at the door). At this time, we have passed Danforth and we decide we may as well get up and stand at the door on the opposite end as well. Our two new friends decide to converse about our "rudeness(?)" and look and point at us. I wave.

We get to Union "on time" (read: 5 mins late but still within Go's timing guidelines - but that's another story) and don't get pointed at or given any more dirty looks - til tomorrow perhaps?

I just don't get it? Yes, I have felt the need to sleep on the Go train before but have never been offended by a simple conversation across the way from me. I mean, not everyone has had a bad nite's sleep and decides to sleep it off en route to Union.

We are not some hooligans or trouble makers, we just wanted to chat about the weekend. SO SUE US!

Thanksgiving TMI

Thanks to the wonders of cellphone technology, all of us on Coach 2328 on the 5:20 are being subjected to the ENTIRE weekend plans of this 1 woman who is fighting with:

her mother (hangs up)
her sister (hangs up)
her boyfriend
her mother (calls back)
her father
her sister (again)

It appears everyone wants to eat on different days except for Saturday.

Eventually she gives up and angrily throws her phone into her bag. Now she's crying behind her to.night newspaper while her phone vibrates wildly.

Why don't people wait until they're home alone to make these kinds of calls?

I mean, really, it's turkey for f**k sakes.