Tuesday, October 2, 2012

UPDATED: If you ever have a question about turkey fryers, I'm your bitch (profanity alert)

Tonight, during the entire train ride home from Union to Oshawa, I was subjected to, nay, forced to listen to a woman tell her quad companions all about her brand new, just in time for Thanksgiving, turkey fryer.
From Walmart.

I had been watching Moneyball on my Blackberry. I don't even like goddamned baseball, but I like Jonah Hill, and I love Brad Pitt, and math is fucking fun, so I wanted to watch the movie. I had the volume cranked and I could still hear this woman running her mouth about her stupid turkey fryer... And where she was gonna put it... And that it was 30 quarts... And her bird is 16 pounds... And it has a boil feature. Well I sure hope to hell it has a goddamn boil feature because how the fuck else do you expect to fry a fucking turkey?

It comes with a thermometer. A goddamn fucking thermometer! And it's a big thermometer, too. Long. She thinks it's about a foot long. Of course, if she ever drops it in the oil she could always use the BBQ tongue to fetch it out, because the turkey fryer oil is dangerous. It also has a side table so you can rest stuff... And the side table is removable because, you know, in case you have to clean it. And the fryer itself is made of cast iron and stainless steel, so this fryer is a heavy motherfucker, because apparently her son may have to move it around the yard on Saturday with a wheelbarrow so she can decide where to put the goddamn thing.

She's confused about the marinade injector. But that's okay! Because she has the fucking user manual in her purse. Let's just pull it out and look up how the marinade injector works. Let's tell the whole fucking GO train.

But you know what's she's most excited about? No, not that she bought a goddamn turkey fryer. She's excited that it has a built-in timer so it's next to impossible to burn the turkey. She read somewhere once, or maybe it was on  television, that the best way to cook a turkey is to fry it, so that's why she insisted, insisted, her husband buy her a turkey fryer.

Fuck me.

Anyhow, enjoy this great video from State Farm (Thanks, April C for the link)


Dan-1 said...

"She's excited that it has a built-in timer so it's next to impossible to burn the turkey."

She'll end up burning it anyway.

Mike said...

Funny... Fuck men, is exactly what I say when I get stuck next to motor mouths.

Bicky said...

Unless handled properly, those turkey fryers can be dangerous. On the plus side, the skin turns out crispy and the turkey is DE-LISH! Would be interesting to find out how she liked using it. But I won't ask you to subject yourself to her incessant babbling again. hee hee!

Squiggles said...


Either that or there will be a tiny mushroom cloud from the exploding turkey in her backyard.

calvinhc said...

@Dan-1: Perhaps the timer might save her from burning the turkey, but the timer won't help with the burning of the person who drops a cold turkey too quickly into hot oil!

Ashley said...

I love the video. The firefighters just cause those fires and walk away like they did nothing wrong ;)

FRED said...

Welcome back, CJ!!!