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Friday, July 20, 2012

Just in time for your lunch hour. I present Chapter 2 of 50 Shades of GO

Parking garages, sex on the train, yadda-yadda will have to wait until Chapter 3. I'm still establishing characters and setting scenes. I really should change the name of the book now that I'm actually continuing the story and suggestions for a better title are welcomed. Typically an author waits until the end to come up with a final title.

I will admit. I am enjoying this.

Click here for Chapter One


CHAPTER TWO

Cassie felt herself growing anxious.

The limo crawled up Bay Street and soon stopped in front of a massive steel and glass office building, one that Cassie had walked past many times.

"I thought we were going to your condo?" she said to Finnegan who was texting rapidly on his BlackBerry.

"Change of plans," he said. "Irwin will take you. I have to deal with a rather urgent matter at the office. I will join you at the condo in about an hour."

Irwin? Who's Irwin? Cassie gave Finnegan a puzzled stare. He laughed.

"Sorry, Irwin is the driver. He manages my condo. He'll let you in and help you establish a wardrobe."

"What do you mean, help me establish a wardrobe?" Cassie asked. "Do you have a Burberry boutique in your home?"

Cassie was bewildered by the situation and questioned if she should bolt the second she got the chance.

"You're about a size 6, right?" Finnegan asked. "Maybe an 8?"

Maybe an 8?! The hell?

"I'm a 6. Thank you very much. That's the second time you've insulted me today." Cassie huffed.

"I am of the opinion that you're actually too thin for your height. You could stand to add a few more pounds to your frame," Finnegan said.

Cassie pursed her lips. She was not too thin. She was perfectly fine. Kevin never seemed to mind her weight.

She told herself to dismiss Finnegan's comments. Surely he was trying to get under her skin. She chose not to respond.

"Anyhow, Miss Winter, I really must head upstairs. Please text me if you have concerns once you arrive at the condo. My numbers are on that card I gave you earlier." Finnegan slid over to the door and tapped on the window. Irwin opened the door.

Finnegan flashed a smile.

"See that Irwin stops by your former employer so you can collect any personal items you have there. You don't need to go in, Irwin will contact the Human Resources department and make arrangements. Just give Irwin a phone number to call." Finnegan exited the limo and the car door was softly closed behind him.

The limo moved back into traffic.

Suddenly a voice spoke.

"Miss Winter?

Cassie looked around.

"The intercom, Miss Winter. Do you hear me?" said the voice.

"Y-yes," said Cassie.

"It's Irwin, ma'am. Mr. O'Leary doesn't really have clothes for you at his home," said Irwin.

Cassie frowned at the air.

"I'm to take you to your former employer. What is the number?" Irwin asked.

Cassie gave him the info and Irwin pulled the limo over. Cassie suspected he was making the call to HR.

"It's arranged, Miss Winter," Irwin said over the speaker. "After we collect your things, we will travel to Hyatt-Terra, an upscale boutique, where Mr. O'Leary's personal shopper will meet us."

Cassie nodded. Then realizing he couldn't see her, she told him okay.

"Please make yourself comfortable, Miss Winter. I will open the car door for you when we arrive."

Cassie looked at her BlackBerry. She decided to text Kevin.

Having the strangest morning ... got a new job. Will tell you all about it later.

She slipped the phone into her pocket and watched the traffic outside.

When they pulled up in front of her former office, Irwin let her out and told her to wait while he parked the limo on a side street.

Irwin accompanied her to the 11th floor where the receptionist, Renee, glanced up at her as she came through the glass doors.

"You're late," she whispered. "And you didn't phone." Renee hissed.

Cassie shrugged. "I've got another job. I've come to collect my things."

Renee looked surprised.

"Can you call Abby? My associate, Irwin, already phoned her to tell her I was leaving." Abby was the head of H.R. Cassie got along well with her.

"Do you think it's ok if I go to my desk?" she asked Renee.

"i don't see why not. I'll tell Abby to meet you there.

Cassie motioned to Irwin who followed her down the hall to a common area filled with cubicles. Cassie stopped at hers and realized she would need a box.

"Wait here", she said to Irwin and left for the mail room.

In her head, she made a mental list of the people she would email later to bid good-bye. Luckily the mail room was empty and Cassie grabbed a banker's box and headed back to her desk.

Abby, who was chatting with Irwin, gave Cassie a frown.

"Typically, and ethically," Abby said, "We do like two weeks' notice."

Cassie grimaced.

"Mr. O'Leary will compensate you for the short notice," said Irwin. "In fact, I can arrange for a temp to be here by this afternoon."

Abby waved her hand at him. "That's not necessary but thank you."

"If you don't mind, I will stay here while Cassie collects her things - just a formality," said Abby.

Irwin nodded.

Cassie felt her cheeks grow hot. What a way to burn a bridge, she thought.

Cramming everything into a box and handing Irwin four pairs of shoes to carry, Cassie led the way to the reception desk. She handed in her security card and bid both Abby and Renee farewell.

In the elevator, Irwin juggled Cassie's shoes and his cellphone. Cassie put the box down and took her shoes from him.

'Sorry," she said.

Irwin gave a curt nod.

'Sir," he said, after someone answered. "The first task is done. I will be heading up to Yorkville now. Shall I return Miss Winter to you by 1'o'clock?"

Excuse me? Cassie stared at Irwin open-mouthed.

Return me?

The hell?

Irwin ended the conversation and put his phone back inside his jacket pocket.

"Irwin," Cassie said, her heart racing and her nerves on edge, "I don't get returned to anyone. Is that clear? If I want to come back at 4, I come back at 4. In fact," Cassie said, as she angrily stacked her shoes on the banker's box and lifted it up against her chest. "I'm done here. I will be taking the subway back to Union and will be going home. Tell Mr. O'Leary I am tired of being insulted at his expense."

The doors of the elevator popped open at the ground floor and Cassie raced out. She speed-walked to the escalator and ran down it.

Irwin was close behind.

He managed to get in front of her before she descended the steps into the subway.

"Miss Winter," said Irwin, "I don't think that's a very wise decision. Mr. O'Leary is expecting you and may I remind you that you no longer have employment. I would reconsider. Come with me to the limo. Don't jump to conclusions. Mr. O'Leary has his issues but he is a fair man and fair employer."

Cassie chewed her lip.

"Fine," she said. "But I'm not happy with any of this."

Cassie followed Irwin back to the lobby and out onto Yonge Street. They walked in silence to the limo which Irwin had parked on Victoria Street.

He opened the door for her and took her belongings to store in the trunk.

Cassie sank into the leather. Off to Hyatt-Terra, I guess, she muttered to herself. She pulled out her BlackBerry. She had two texts from Kevin and one missed phone call - also from Kevin.

She decided to call him.

Kevin answered on the first ring.

"What's going on?" He asked.

"I have a new job. I met this guy on the train. We started talking and he hired me to be his assistant. I took the job." Cassie said.

"You met a guy on the train and got a new job. What guy?" Kevin asked.

"Finnegan O'Leary." Cassie replied.

"Do I know him?" Kevin asked.

"Google him. Don't worry. I know what I'm doing," Cassie said.

"How much?" Kevin asked.

Cassie hesitated.

"How much is he paying you?" Kevin asked.

"More than Black and Moore," Cassie finally said.

"So how much?" Kevin asked.

"An executive's salary since I'm the executive assistant to the CEO. It's a lot, Kevin, but if I tell you how much, you'll freak out and I already feel like a prostitute. In fact, I'm off to have a Pretty Woman moment at some high-end Yorkville boutique.

Kevin was silent.

"Hello?"

"Cassie, we should discuss these things. You can't just accept a job from a stranger on a GO train. Where are you now?' Kevin asked.

"I'm in Mr. O'Leary's limo. He's arranged for me to meet with a personal shopper. There are issues with my wardrobe. I have to look a little more upscale."

"Upscale," Kevin said with an incredulous tone in his voice. "There is nothing, I repeat, nothing wrong with the way you dress."

'"And I agree with you," Cassie replied, but unfortunately, I don't have a designer wardrobe that is expected with the caliber of company I will be keeping.

"This is such horseshit," Kevin said. "Who's paying for it?"

"He is," answered Cassie.

"Designer clothing isn't cheap, Cass. What kind of boss just drops thousands of dollars on a new employee, one he met on a train ride, without knowing if you're even going to work out? Then what? Doesn't any of this sound really bizarre to you?"

Cassie closed her eyes. You have no idea, she thought.

"Kevin, let's discuss it later. I want to see how this plays out. I admit it's sudden and odd, but it's also extremely intriguing," she said, trying to sound as positive as possible.

"I don't like it," Kevin said. "But I have to go. I got a call from Jim who booked me in as a session musician in Mississauga. Sounds like a good gig. I'll probably stay at his place tonight, so don't wait up for me but we do need to talk. Tomorrow." Kevin said.

"Okay," Cassie said. "Agreed. Have a good time."

"Bye." Kevin said and hung up.

Cassie pressed the end of call button and tried to ignore that he didn't tell her he loved her. It had been a while since he'd expressed any words of endearment. Cassie pushed these bad thoughts out of her mind.

At Hyatt-Terra, she and Irwin were greeted by Barbara Palmer, a tall and lithe blonde with tiny ankles and a wide smile. She shook Cassie's hand.

"Mr. O'Leary texted me that you'll also need shoes and accessories so we'll make sure we add those to your wardrobe," Barbara said. She motioned for Cassie to follow her.

Irwin spoke. "Miss Winter. I have some errands to run but you are in good hands. Just do as Miss Palmer instructs and I will pick you up when you're done."

Irwin turned and left.

Barbara began to walk towards the back of the boutique and Cassie followed.

"I'll need to get your measurements and then I will bring you clothes to try on," Barbara said over her shoulder. "But first, let's sit and discuss what you like and what you don't like when it comes to clothes for the office." Barbara led the way to a round room with white club chairs.

Three hours later, Cassie had a wardrobe worth more than what some people made in a year complete with shoes, lingerie, accessories and make-up. She was dressed in a Chanel pant suit with Louboutin heels and a Marc Jacobs handbag that cost $1500. Fifteen hundred dollars! For a purse! And she owned it. At least she thought she owned it. She needed to ask Finnegan about what happens if she doesn't work out. Kevin was right. This was a lot of spending for a probationary employee.

Irwin loaded everything into the limo.

"Tell Finn I really enjoyed this exercise," Barbara said to Cassie. "Much better than the last time. I can see why he likes you." Barbara winked.

Last time? Cassie wanted Barbara to elaborate but Irwin already had his hand against the small of Cassie's back and was pushing her towards the car.

"Miss Winter," Irwin said. "Mr. O'Leary doesn't like to be kept waiting. He's meeting you for lunch at Canoe".

Canoe!? Cassie grew excited. She was a foodie at heart and Canoe was a restaurant she always wanted to try.

Oh wow, she thought.

Cassie climbed into the limo.

She really needed to fill in her best friend, Emma, about her morning. She suspected Emma would be as skeptical as Kevin, but dammit, she was going to Canoe!

This was more exciting than the shopping. The first hour was fine. But Cassie easily became overwhelmed by the process and by how over the top the experience was. It wasn't her. She was completely out of her comfort zone. But Canoe she could do.

She texted Emma.

Guess where I'm going for lunch!!!???

Emma immediately replied.

Hey girl, tried calling you at work but I kept getting bumped to general voicemail. You may want to get that checked. I also sent you an email but it bounced back.

Cassie typed.

I quit my job.

Cassie's BlackBerry rang. The display showed Emma's number. Cassie answered.

"You did what?" Emma shouted.

"Calm down. I have another job. In fact, I just finished buying a whole new wardrobe for my job at Hyatt-Terra."

"What? Hyatt-Terra? Isn't that in Yorkville? Cass, you can't afford that! What's going on?" Emma asked.

"And now I'm off to lunch, with my boss, at Canoe," Cassie giggled. It was all so bizarre but incredibly cool. She really should try to enjoy the experience.

"I'm sorry. Did you blow this guy on the train ride in?" Emma asked.

Cassie laughed. "Um, no. I fell asleep. My BlackBerry fell on the floor and this man, now my boss, who was sitting across from me, picked it up, woke me up and handed it to me. We started talking... Em, you should see him. He's so hot." Cassie snapped her fingers.

"I bet you know him."

"What's his name?"  Emma asked.


"Finnegan O'Leary," Cassie said.


"Finnegan O'Leary?!" Emma parroted. "As in hotshot CEO of Matrix Ventures and a former CEO of Gavin Moore?"

Emma worked as the head of a prime brokerage firm, specializing in world markets. She was well acquainted with the world of finance and investments.

"What the hell was Finnegan O'Leary doing on a GO train?" She asked.

"He lost his assistant. She quit. Got married or something... Said he has a place in Solina and I guess he took a bus or cab to the Oshawa GO Station. He doesn't drive apparently." Cassie replied.

"I'm not surprised to learn he doesn't drive considering what happened years ago," Emma said. "You meet him on the train and he just ups and offers a job?"

"I know. Crazy, right? And I took it. But wait, what happened years ago? He told me he didn't want to discuss with me why he doesn't drive," Cassie said.

"I was told when he was about 12 or so, his family was on their way back from a weekend in Niagara Falls when a drunk driver driving the wrong way on the QEW slammed into their car. His mother, father, sister and baby brother were all killed. Finnegan was allegedly thrown from the car. He was found in the ditch. He barely survived. He's probably forever scarred. Really sad, actually. Taken in by his grandmother's sister. She was a Douglass. Old money. The family owned several department stores that were eventually bought out. He inherited his parents' money when he turned 21. His dad owned several import operations and they were very well to do. But I hear he's a control-freak. Demanding. Mean. Controlling. You really should have called me. I could have filled you in before you took the job." Emma said.

Cassie took in what Emma had told her. Poor Finnegan. What a horrible hand to have been dealt with! She pictured him as a young boy. Not even in his teens with no family and being raised by a great-aunt. She imagined he was shipped off to boarding schools. How awful. Cassie reflected on her own childhood. Her parents owned a bakery. They lived in an apartment above the business and though they weren't rich, not by Douglass standards, her parents still sent her and her sister to camps, took European vacations, Disneyworld and later in their teens, indulged in cruises. She hadn't been hard-done by.

"Hey? You there?" Emma asked. Cassie broke out of her reverie.

"Sorry. I was just digesting what you told me. Wow. Now I have to act like I don't know. I'm terrible at keeping secrets. You know that!" Cassie said.

"You and I really need to talk further. Look, enjoy your lunch. Text me later and maybe we can hook up if the Overlord allows it." Emma said.

"Overlord? Who? Kevin? He doesn't care ..." Cassie was interrupted by Emma.

"Not Kevin. O'Leary. By the way, did you tell Kevin?" asked Emma.

"Yeah, he wasn't too happy to hear about this sudden turn of events," Cassie replied. "But we'll talk more later. I'm at the restaurant now."

"Try the salmon. I hear it's delicious. Text me, ok," Emma said.

"I will. Have a good rest of the day," Cassie said.

Cassie put her phone away and bolted from the limo. She was so excited. Irwin didn't seem pleased. Stuff it, Irwin, Cassie thought. I can open my own damn door.

She followed him up to the restaurant where they were directed to Finnegan's table where he was chatting into his phone. He smiled when he saw her and quickly ended the call.


"Well, Miss Winter, don't you clean up real nice?" he said as he stood and pulled out her chair.


Oh my, thought Cassie. He looked as hot as ever and his charm was intoxicating. He had changed into a different suit, one that was navy in colour and more tightly tailored. Cassie sneaked a glance at his crotch. Oh lord, she thought. Don't ...

She couldn't help herself. Finnegan didn't try to hide what God had given him. If anything, the pants he had on only accentuated his toned ass and his fruit basket in front. A fruit basket containing a rather large banana. Cassie giggled. It had to be the champagne Barbara kept topping up during the latter half of her shopping trip. She was feeling extremely giggly and turned on. He was so freaking hot!

"What's so funny?" asked Finnegan as he sat back down. Cassie giggled.

"Your fruit basket," Cassie said, holding her hand over her mouth. Finnegan couldn't help but smile. Despite the smile, he looked puzzled.

"You're very cute when you do that. Please stop. Let's try to be professional, shall we?" Finnegan asked as he slid his napkin into his lap. Cassie grinned stupidly.

She would totally peel that banana. She snickered to herself. How much of that banana could she fit in her mouth. A lot. I bet he'd like it to.

She continued to grin stupidly. Finnegan frowned.

Boy, does he ever need to loosen up. Cassie wondered what he was like in bed.

"Cassie, look at the menu... please. Focus. We only have an hour. I'm having the lamb, you?"

Cassie picked up her menu. "I was told to try the salmon."

"Good choice," said Finnegan. My great aunt loves the salmon here".

Cassie raised an eyebrow. Finnegan discreetly signaled the waiter.

"Speaking of aunts," she said.  "I believe I promised to regal you with tales about my Aunt Cassandra."

The waiter arrived and they gave their orders.  Cassie took a sip of her water.

"Miss Winter, as much as I would love to hear about mean, nasty Aunt Cassandra, and I promise you will get to tell me all about her, I'm afraid there are more pressing matters to contend with during lunch."

Cassie sat up straighter. Her vision blurred. How much champagne did she drink? She tried to focus on Finnegan. She stared at his lips. He was saying something about non-disclosure agreements, contracts and security.

He had beautiful lips. They were full and probably awesome to bite. Cassie crossed her legs.

"Cassie, what's wrong? You're blushing," Finnegan said. "Are you all right?"

Cassie nodded. She was drunk. She needed food or else she was going to do something or say something she'd regret.

"I'm fine," she whispered. Finnegan touched her hand.

"Are you sure? Wait ... did Miss Palmer give you champagne?" Finnegan asked.

Cassie nodded.

Finnegan's face darkened. "How much champagne did you drink?"

Cassie held out her hands wide. "A lot. It was really yummy. But not as yummy as you!" Cassie giggled. "I can lick you like a lollipop," she said as she stroked  Finnegan's fingers.

"Cassie, enough. Our food should be here soon. You need to eat. I have a very strict no alcohol during business hours rule. I expect you to follow it." Finnegan said. He withdrew his hand from Cassie's and reached for his BlackBerry. He began typing.

"What are you doing?" asked Cassie. "Please don't say anything to Miss Skinny Ankles. She had nothing to do with it. Besides, she liked me. She said I was a great exercise. Better than the last ... " Cassie trailed off as her food arrived. The salmon looked and smelled delicious. She took a bite.

"I'm not engaging Miss Palmer, however, I will be speaking with her about her opinions," Finnegan said.

"Oh my god," Cassie said as she chewed. 'This is delicious. It's better than sex. It's an orgasm in a dish."

Finnegan laughed out loud. "Okay. Sure. Perhaps we should tell the chef you feel that way?"

Cassie laughed. "Um, no. I think not, but the compliments of it being really yummy should be expressed."

"Yummy?" Finnegan asked.

"Really, reallty yummy." Cassie pointed her fork in the air. "I wanted to be a chef. My parents own a bakery and my mom is a trained pastry chef and although I love croissants and cannoli as much as the next person, I love food more. I love pairing spices to meat and exploring different textures. In fact, it's very much like sex. Creating a dish is like making love."

Finnegan smiled. "And you believe you're a good chef?"

"I'm a great chef," Cassie exclaimed. "In and out of the kitchen."

Finnegan cocked an eyebrow.

"Prove it," Finnegan said. Cassie noticed he hadn't eaten a bite of his lamb. He was focused intently on her. Her face flushed.

"Prove what?" She murmured staring him straight in the eye.

"That you make love like how you cook. Of course, you could be a terrible cook and an equally terrible lay but I'm open to a taste test."

Cassie choked on her food. Oh dear. She wasn't good at flirting. She cursed the champagne. She grabbed her water and took a large gulp. Coughing, she excused herself to the washroom.

He didn't just say what he did. Did he? A taste test?

Cassie continued to cough.

Holy hell...

(To be continued... )

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Pinky and the Bible

Last week, on the GO bus ride home, a man dressed head to toe in pink boarded at a stop near the Oshawa Centre.

How pink was he dressed?

Pink shoes, pink knee socks, pink shorts, pink leotard, pink bolero-style sweater, pink fingernails, pink lipstick, pink eye shadow and a jaunty pink hat.

He sat beside me. This was a gross error in judgement on his part.

I was playing Words With Friends on my tablet.

Pinky was extremely interested in what I was doing.

"What is that?" He asks, touching the edge of my tablet with his fingers. I move it away from his poorly manicured hands.

"It's a tablet." I reply and resume playing my game, shifting in my seat to angle myself closer to the window.

"That's not a tablet," replies Pinky. "Have you not read the Bible?"

"Um..." I mutter. I shift again in my seat.

"The Ten Commandments, have you heard of them?" Pinky asks.

"Sure," I say, closing my tablet. "Isn't one of them, 'Thou shall not bother strangers on the GO bus?'"

Pinky is aghast.

"Do you even know the Bible?" He asks, while gesturing with his hand like a magician having completed a trick. Trust me, Pinky was very dramatic.

"What a great work of fiction," I reply. "Please go ahead and tell me it's not."

By now, we've secured the attention of those around us who aren't engrossed in listening to music or sleeping.

"Are you Christian?" Pinky asks.

"Nope, I'm Cindy," I say.

He rolls his eyes. I was waiting for him to snap his fingers at me.

"No, not are you 'Christian' as 'is that your name?' Are you Christian as do you believe in Christianity?" He asks, exasperated.

"Is that a country?" I ask.

From somewhere behind us someone yells out, "It's not nice to make fun of the mentally ill!"

"Did you hear that?" I ask Pinky. "That guy thinks I'm mentally ill!"

Pinky waves his hand dismissively.

"Do you believe in God?" Pinky asks.

"That's a loaded question," I reply.

"What is it that you care about if you don't have God in your life?" Pinky asks.

"Oh my God," I say, "See what I did there? I said the word. 'God' ... I'm so glad you asked. You know what I care about?"

Pinky looks at me.

"Ever heard of the movie, Smokey and the Bandit?" I ask.

Pinky looks puzzled.

"It's a great movie. It was made back when Burt Reynolds was hot but now he's old and weird looking. Too much Botox. I hate when former sex idols mess with their faces. It makes you wonder what kind of shit Channing Tatum is gonna pull 40 years from now but by that time, you probably will be able to buy a whole new younger face and just have it sewn on. Anyway... in the movie, there's this sheriff, Sheriff Buford T. Justice or something, played by the guy who played Ralph on the Honeymooners. That was a show way before my time,  but they used to play it on CFTO at lunchtime when I was a kid, and I used to have to suffer through it while I waited for the Flintstones to come on. Of course, I never got to watch the Flintstones all the way to the end because we had a 12:55 pm end of lunch bell... Lame, I know and you know how I knew I was late? If I managed to catch the Farm Report. Yeah... anyhow... Buford T. Justice made it his mission in the movie to catch Bandit played by the then-hot Burt Reynolds. All throughout the movie, he says 'sombitch' a lot. I've been meaning to watch the movie and count how many times Buford T. Justice says, 'sombitch'. That's what's been getting me by."

A guy sitting a row over stares at me with this incredulous and very epic what-the-fuck-did-she-just-say look on his face.

Pinky is thinking. I open my tablet and go back to my Word With Friends game.

Pinky opens his mouth and shuts it. He shifts in his seat and starts chewing the nailpolish off his nails.

That's right, Pinky, I say to myself. I invented crazy.

We rode in silence until I had to ring for my stop. Pinky got up without a word and I moved into the aisle.

"Sombitch," I say as his sits back down. He ignores me.

Well played, I think as I bounce off the bus. Well played.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Comment of the day


lswgirl13 said...
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD C.J. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU HAVE A JOB AND A FAMILY AND A LIFE . . . WHERE THE HELL IS CHAPTER 2????
I swear, it's coming... how about every Friday, you get a new chapter? That's what I was aiming for. 

According to emails and comments the story line must include:
GO Station Parking Garage
A bike
Hitching of breath
Sex on the train
Some gagging (you people are dirty. Very, very, very dirty)
Very descriptive sex
Drunk people on trains

Don't know what I'm talking about? Read Chapter One

So someone complained to the media ...


http://www.torontosun.com/2012/07/16/rider-angered-by-knapsack-on-ttc-subway-seat

Since we're on the topic, here's some more TTC douchebaggery:

Hi CJ,
ExGOnowTTC here.  Unfortunately lost all my previous photos of TTC douchebaggery just recently.  Thankfully they've all stepped forward and provide me the attached.  The first one was taken during evening rush hour from Union to St George.  Both douchebags got on at Union and stood like that the WHOLE way, only grudgingly moving so people could get on and off. Then they stood right back.  At St George they both bolt out the door to run do a Bloor train.  Standing in their exact usual spots of course.

Second one was taken this morning during rush hour  Got on at Coxwell and noticed him.  Then watched people get on, look at him and not do anything.  In that proud Canadian tradition of passive-aggressive quietness, they mumbled quietly and looked at each other to do SOMETHING.  Train got packed of course, and no one said anything.  I got off at Bloor, so I didn't get to see anymore.


Friday, July 13, 2012

Because I can totally write this shit... challenge accepted

I am certain that many of you have read and seen (on the train) and been told all about a smutty, mom-porn novel called "Fifty Shades of Grey". There are also two more books in the series.

I've read all three. I didn't learn anything new that I hadn't already gleaned from my teenage years of watching scrambled porn during sleepovers, perusing through someone's dad's copies of Penthouse and Hustler magazine and spending nights watching crazy fetish crap on the KINK channel.

During a recent train ride, my BFF and I were discussing how this mom-smut genre is exploding and surely it can't be hard to write a book along the same lines. She dared me to try. Challenge accepted.

I'm no where near done but I'm sharing what I have so far. Let me know if I should continue ... I know you're dying for the smut scene.


50 Shades of GO
CHAPTER ONE
© 2012 Cindy J. Smith

Cassie was late. She was super-shit-I-am-gonna-miss-the-train-late.
She'd circled the Oshawa GO Transit station parking lot seven times before she found a spot and while running across the parking lot in her kitten heels, she rummaged in her purse for her transit pass.
She was hot, sweaty and flustered. She launched herself onto the train with seconds to spare.
Settling into a seat, she pulled out her compact to assess the damage done by her 20-metre dash to the train.  Her hair had gone limp. Her mascara was smudged and she had toothpaste in the corner of her mouth. She fished out a tissue and repaired what she could.
It was only when she began hunting for her BlackBerry did she catch the eye of the man sitting across from her. He's new, she thought. Being a commuter train, she had gotten to know the regulars and considering the way his Armani suit hugged his muscular chest like a sausage casing wraps a sausage, Cassie certainly would have made it a point to remember a man like him.
Her eyes traveled slowly down to his shoes. He was impeccably dressed and she was sure his shoes cost more than what she made in a month. He caught her staring and smirked before returning to his newspaper. Cassie blushed from her toes to her ears. She found her BlackBerry and began scrolling through her calendar. What a busy day!
She was so tired. Kevin, her jerk boyfriend of seven years, decided that last night would be the perfect night for a boy's night in and she'd been kept awake by Kevin and his friends playing X-Box well into the wee hours of the morning. Kevin was a musician and marched to the beat of his own drum - literally. He was a drummer in a band called "Ready to Brew" and travelled and played the bar/college circuit. He made a decent wage but always seemed to forget that others had a regular nine to five job where sleep wasn't optional.
Cassie sighed. Kevin no longer seemed to measure up anymore. When she met him at 17, she thought he was exciting and hot. But seven years later, she had expected they'd be in a house they owned with a toddler and two cars in the driveway. Instead, they were still in his basement apartment and she was still driving the 15-year-old Toyota given to her by her mother. Nothing about her relationship was exciting anymore. Plus, all her college friends were getting engaged and planning weddings. She wanted a shot at being a bride!
Enough with the negative thoughts, Cassie scolded herself. She adjusted her skirt and arched her back. It was only a 50-minute train ride into Toronto but she needed to be comfortable so she could at least try to nap.
She must have drifted off because she awoke to a buzzing sound and someone tapping her knee. It was Armani. He was holding her BlackBerry. "It fell on the floor while you were sleeping," he said. She took it from him and looked at the display. Kevin! She rolled her eyes at Armani and chose to silent it. "Thank you," she said to Armani. He smiled a wide smile; one that touched his eyes. She noticed his eyes where the bluest she'd ever seen. He was really was quite handsome. She wondered if he was married and she quickly glanced at his left hand for a ring and didn't see one.
Her heart skipped a beat. Chastizing herself she put her phone in her purse and clasped her hands in her lap daring herself to look at Armani again.  He was still smiling at her.
"Where do you work?" he finally asked.
"In the financial district," replied Cassie. He shot up an eyebrow. "As ...?" he asked.
"I'm just an office clerk," she mumbled, "but I'd really like to be a lawyer one day". Cassie immediately shut her mouth. Oh my god, she thought, could I sound any more immature?
"How old are you?" asked Armani, as he straightened his cuff links. Cassie noticed there was a small diamond stud in each one. Why is he asking me that? She thought. That's rather personal... and direct.
"Why do you want to know?" She challenged.
He chuckled. "Because you look like you're all of 18 - a very pretty 18, but a very young looking 18".
"I'm 24," Cassie replied not sure to be happy that he thought she was younger or dismayed that he couldn't fathom she was a mature 24-year-old woman.
"Well, Miss 24, it just so happens that my personal assistant quit last week and I've got no one to attend to my personal affairs," said Armani. "How much do you make at your job?"
Personal assistant? Is that all he thinks she's capable of?!
"With all due respect," said Cassie, "I aspire to be the one telling people what to do one day, not the other way around." She stared hard at him. Who does he think he is? Personal assistant!? I am not going to fetch this man coffee, she scoffed to herself.
"That's very ambitious and this *is* a job where you will tell people what to do," said Armani. I have a very complicated job and a very complex lifestyle and it takes someone with maturity, poise, business acumen and a sharp eye for detail to run my life. Why not give it a shot?"
"How much?" asked Cassie.
"How much do you want?" asked Armani.
Cassie thought for a moment. Fine, she thought. Let me just throw something on the table.
"Ok," she huffed. "$225 thousand per year. 1 month of vacation. 15 days of paid sick leave and health benefits." Ha! She thought. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
"It's a deal," said Armani without so much as batting an eyelash. "You start today. Call your boss."
Cassie's heart stopped beating. What did he say?
"I... I... wasn't ..." she stammered.
"Call your boss. You're quitting. Effective immediately. If they have any issues," he pulled out a card, "Give them my name and number".
Cassie's fingers shook as she took the card. "Holy sh--, I mean, Jesus. Just like that?"
"Just like that," said Armani.
Cassie read the card. Armani was actually Finnegan O'Leary. CEO of Matrix Ventures Corporation, a massive and very global investment firm. 
"Question. Why are you on a GO train and not in a private helicopter?" asked Cassie, still not believing the man sitting across from her managed a billion dollar company. Somebody better pinch me soon, she thought.
Finnegan smiled. "Ah, well, I don't drive. The reason? I'd rather not get into it but my personal assistant drove me into work. I do have a place in the city but my country home is in Solina. I trust you've heard of it?"
Cassie nodded.
"I presume you have a driver's licence?" Finnegan asked.
Cassie nodded.
"You're cute when you nod," said Finnegan. "Now call your boss. We have a very busy morning ahead of us, but first, we need to visit my condo. You need a change of clothes."
"I beg your pardon," said Cassie. The hell? What's wrong with the way I'm dressed? She thought.
"Although I admit you look amazing in gray and white, people who work for me must look like they hold a position of power and must dress the part. This means wearing clothes that make a statement. No offence, but you look like an office clerk and that just won't do," said Finnegan.
"Just won't do!" hissed Cassie. She learned forward. "Okay, Finne-" "Mr. O'Leary," interjected Finnegan. "You aren't serious?" asked Cassie. "If you want to work for me, you will address me as Mr. O'Leary. That is not negotiable." Cassie swallowed. What the fuck was she agreeing to again?
"There is nothing wrong with the way I dress, Mr. O'Leary", Cassie practically spit the words. "What an offensive thing to say to a lady."
"Fine, Miss 24. Have it your way. We'll go to the office the way you are," said Finnegan, "But you will regret your decision, especially with that run in your hose and the lipstick stain on the cuff of your shirt sleeve."
Fuck. Cassie scowled as she assessed the run and the stain.
"Okay, I'll change," said Cassie. "Also, please don't call me Miss 24. I have a name."
"I like 'Miss 24'. It's very James Bond and I'm rather fond of those movies but I can't address you in public as that, even though I find it amusing, so what is your name? In time, you will have to give me those details in full, along with other personal information so you can pass a security check among other checks and get on payroll... "
"Cassie Winter."
"Short for Cassandra?" Finnegan asked.
"Yes, but I'm named after an aunt I can't stand. She's an awful and evil woman and I cringe when I hear the name," said Cassie.
The PA system blared and the engineer announced their arrival into Toronto.
"Well, Miss Winter, I would love to hear all about awful Aunt Cassandra over lunch. But first, we need to meet the company driver who will take us to my condo. We need to exit onto Bay Street. I trust you can point us in the right direction. My familiarity with Union Station isn't very good".
Of course it isn't, thought Cassie. God forbid you mingle with common minions. Finnegan stood up and Cassie noticed he was well over six feet tall. His dress pants did little to hide the muscular definition of his legs. Oh my god, he's so hot. She swooned inwardly. But he's a jerk. Albeit, a jerk who is going to be paying a lot of money for me to take notes, she thought.
Cassie led the way to Bay Street where a sleek, black limo waited. The driver nodded at Finnegan and opened the door. Cassie slid into a lot of leather and wood which was well coupled with a lingering scent of money. Finnegan slid in after her.
Cassie wondered if she should text Kevin and update him about this very absurd and impulsive turn of events but then decided against it. Let's see how this day plays out, she thought, and then I will fill him in.
Finnegan interrupted her thoughts. "You haven't called your boss, yet. I suggest you get moving on that and if you have a husband or boyfriend or significant other, I suggest you contact him or her and advise you'll be late returning home late tonight. I have an industry event to attend and I need a date. You're it."
Cassie steeled herself. Wow. Just wow. "And if I have plans?" she challenged.
"Miss Winter, if you're going to work for me, at the salary we've agreed upon, you have no other plans than my business. You will get four nights off every work week but Fridays will be reserved exclusively for me. This will allow us to attend functions without me worrying about squirreling you home to your lover." Finnegan said, while picking off lint Cassie could not see from his pant leg.
"No wonder your other assistant left. You can't own someone's life!" Cassie said, incredulous over what she was told. "This is a joke, right? My friend Cynthia set you up?"
Finnegan rolled his eyes. "Miss Winter, I assure you, I am very serious about this proposal. My last assistant was paid very handsomely for her duties but decided she wanted to get married and live out the rest of her life on some island in the Pacific. Who am I to stop someone from pursuing their dreams?" He cocked an eyebrow.
"I can sense, Miss Winter, that you hunger for more in life. You know there's more for you in this world then your dead-end office job, your simple clothes and your menial day to day tasks. You crave for bigger things and you have a sense of adventure that you don't hide very well because are you not sitting in a stranger's limo starting a new job you know very little about?" asked Finnegan.
Fuck. How do I answer that? thought Cassie. She pulled out her BlackBerry and called Denis, her boss. He wasn't going to be happy but office clerks are dispensable. He'll find someone else.
Shit. Voicemail.
"I've got voicemail," she told Finnegan.
"Leave a message," Finnegan answered. "Resign and give my information. I'll handle any fallout."
Cassie left the message and ended the call. She felt unsettled and unsure how Denis would handle it.
Cassie focused her attention on Finnegan. He really was hot. His thigh muscles bulged as he sat reading his BlackBerry. Finnegan had removed his suit jacket, loosened his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. Cassie could see he had no chest hair. Her mind drifted and she began to imagine undoing more buttons on his shirt to see what else he had to offer. She figured he was about 33, maybe 35. He had no laugh lines but he seemed well out of his 20s considering his CEO position and the years it would have taken to get there.
She felt a small tingle in her loins. A feeling she hadn't felt for quite some time. My god, she thought, how long has it been since she felt this kind of attraction to a man? This feeling of longing? Wanting for a man to take her to bed? Kevin wasn't a mouse but half the time she only fucked him to get him off her case. Thinking about her less than exciting sex life made her unhappy. She realized that Kevin had also stopping caring and that left her feeling cold. She shivered.
"Would you like me to adjust the air conditioning?" Finnegan asked. Cassie nodded. 
Finnegan reached above him and tapped a panel. A cover slid back exposing a series of buttons. He fiddled with a few and closed the panel. "It will take a few minutes to adjust. Here, wear my jacket." Finnegan passed Cassie his suit jacket and she draped it in front of her.

Chapter Two debuts on Friday, July 20 - read it here

Only acceptable if you have no spine. But wait, the real question is... why is he using an extension cord for a belt?

We've seen Mountain Man before... click here. How sweet, it's his favourite belt, obviously.

Douche


Packed TTC subway train. All hail the super douche.

 - Submitted

Thursday, July 12, 2012

"Lead by example" is lost on some



Thought you'd enjoy this one: two TTC employees (see logo on the larger guy's shirt for ID) take up a combined five subway seats this morning!
Now it wasn't super-crowded when they first set up camp... but halfway through my route, a woman tried to wedge between them and they were less than sympathetic (see the look on her face in pic #2).
-Submitted

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Check out this princess on the 5:10 PM Rush Hour LSE train

NO BIKES DURING RUSH HOUR, YOU DONKEYS!!!

And if that wasn't insult enough, she sprawls out like she owns it. Argh.

Kudos to the person reading the magazine for telling the tool to move. Note the person sitting on the floor. Bikes have zero priority.

I would have said something.


Your hemorrhoid flare for today

Stay classy, my friend

Yes, those are DRESS SHOES.

from: Peter S
to: "C.J. Smith"
date: Sat, Jul 7, 2012 at 5:29 PM
subject: Ironman (?) on the GO Train

Hi Cindy.
On my trek home from St. Catharines, a young man boarded the LSW train with his bicycle and asked me if he could have the end seats that I was occupying.  I assumed he was an Ironman, because he had a pristine bike, he was very articulate and polite with his request, and he immediately went to sleep (photo attached).  Note, too, he was very careful not to put his feet on the seat.

I couldn't help but recall this video.

Cheers,
Peter

P.S. I assumed, too, that the bicycle was GO Transit approved, because it is a Presto model.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Hot rails

Mother Nature to make for a longer commute!
FROM: GO Transit
TO: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
Friday, July 6, 2012 12:42:59 PM

With temperatures expected to soar to 36 degrees celsius today we'd like to remind you that this afternoon's ride home will likely be longer than usual. Whenever the mercury soars and temperatures exceed the 30 degree mark such as today, it is possible for steel rails to expand and even buckle. As a safety measure, GO Transit along with CN, CP Rail and our other railway partners will apply speed restrictions in certain areas along your rail corridor all of which translates into a longer commute than usual. We thank you for your patience with us through the entire week and hope you have a wonderful weekend.


HULK RIDE GO ‏@HULKGORIDER
WHAT MEAN HOT RAIL MAKE TRAIN SLOW? TRAIN NO RUN ON STRIPPER POLE! ME SO CONFUSED. ME ALWAYS SAID RUN GO AS SUBMARINE. ALWAYS COLD! NO TRACK

How many babies does it take to stuff a green pepper?

I have no idea but maybe this person who emailed me does.

from: j.kelley
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 4:31 PM
subject: go and seatbelts


Can you tell me why it's only transportation on roadways and in the air that require use of seatbelts? Ever notice how there are no seatbelts on trains or buses or boats? Please advise. I've been considering a petition to GO Transit about seatbelt implementation on their buses and trains.


from: CJ Smith
to: j.kelley@xxxxxxxx.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:11 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


Good question. In fact, you've actually asked the most authorized person in Canada this question. Double the fact, there's no one better!!! It all comes down to traffic, speed, design and risk. Do I feel buses should have seatbelts? Yes! But they don't. Why? Traditional buses, such as school and GO buses, are designed differently than cars. The seats are designed to act as barriers. It's been suggested through studies that seatbelts would actually add to injuries. Wide-format buses, such as the TTC buses that have bench seats facing each other, are death traps in my opinion. Too much aisle space. Too much opportunity for people to be thrown around.
Seatbelts are good for one thing - to restrain and secure. When your car hits another car, or a tree, or a wall, or rolls over, a seatbelt keeps you from being thrown from the vehicle due to the suddenness of the stop. A GO train takes a loooooonnnnnnggggg time to slow down. Very rarely would a train come to a sudden stop. Even if it hit a bridge, it would probably keep going. Most likely, the ones who would be injured are the ones who are standing and sitting on steps. Airplanes have belts to prevent passengers from becoming moving projectiles in the event of a sudden drop in altitude and severe turbulence. Much like a rollover in a car, a moving body can do a lot of damage to other passengers in a plane.
There's a lot of research on Google about the use of seatbelts. Good luck with your petition. I don't think you'll have much success considering there is so much debate and research that has been done against it.


from: j.kelley
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:17 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


Boats?


from: CJ Smith
to: j.kelley@xxxxxxxx.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:19 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


Google?


from: j.kelley
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:21 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


What about the fact that people in wheelchairs have to strap the chairs in on trains and buses?


from: CJ Smith
to: j.kelley@xxxxxxxx.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:22 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


Are they wearing belts in the wheelchair? Perhaps to stop the chair from rolling around over other passengers' feet?


from: j.kelley
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:27 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


So will you help with my petition because I also think it's time the Government of Ontario mandate that drivers and passengers wear helmets in cars and buses. They want to make it mandatory for cyclists. It should be mandatory for everyone.


from: CJ Smith
to: j.kelley@xxxxxxxx.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:28 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


How many babies does it take to stuff a green pepper?


from: j.kelley
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:40 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


Why would you ask me that?


from: CJ Smith
to: j.kelley@xxxxxxxx.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:41 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


I don't think you're for real.


from: j.kelley
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:42 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


You're the one talking about killing babies and stuffing them into peppers. Why would you ask me that?


from: CJ Smith
to: j.kelley@xxxxxxxx.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:42 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


I said no such thing and the correct answer is none. A pepper is too small to stuff a baby into.


from: j.kelley
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 5:43 PM
subject: Re: go and seatbelts


You're weird.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

This story is better if you hum "Eye of the Tiger" from the Rocky movie as you read it


from: syl
to: cj@thiscrazytrain.com
date: Wed, Jul 4, 2012 at 8:28 AM
subject: "magic shoes"

I HATE confrontation, but this morning I mustered up my courage and asked a young woman where she got her magic shoes - you know, the ones that don't get dirty? She had her flip-flopped feet soles down on the seat in front of her. She was less than pleased with me, muttered something about "some people's attitude" (to which I replied that it was common courtesy). However, she did take her feet off the seat for the remainder of the ride :).

If I pretend to be asleep, people won't think I'm a donkey for hogging a seat on a full TTC subway train

Wrong!

You *ARE* a donkey. I don't care if it's the 4th of July and you threw on some USA sweatshirt some American relative bought for you in 1999 to celebrate.

This is Canada. Get your shit off the seats.

- Submitted

It's my car and I'll park how I want to ... park how I want to ... park how I want to. You would park like this too if you were illiterate

Hey, I never claimed to be able to write a song parody.

- Submitted, Richmond Hill GO Station

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

"Just get on the train!" What train? The Ghoooooost train (queue 70s disco riff)

I will admit, I quite enjoy it when GO employees lose their minds.

Consider Lady in Pink's Rutherford (Barrie Corridor) experience today:
This morning,  an announcement is made by an attendant in the station over the track's PA system telling those of us waiting for a now very late train to "just get on the train". 
What train?
Five minutes later, the attendant repeats the same message. Then before turning off the PA, he mumbles to someone, "I'm not going to stop them from getting on the train it's up to them..."
When the train arrives, we all climb aboard and are not made aware of what the issue was.
Later, we learn that supposedly the train before us had missed the stop for York Univeristy and had to return to the station.
- Lady in pink

Time for some signage, GO Transit? E-bikes not permitted on trains

CJ Smith @ThisCrazyTrain
"@angelsil_to: Dude has an honest-to-god full scooter on this #GOtrain pic.twitter.com/m2FNDYXR" If it has pedals, it's allowed? <-to be confirmed

Angela Weller @angelsil_to @ThisCrazyTrain
GO website says 'moped-like' ebikes are not permitted - this thing was HUGE and owner wasn't watching it #safetyhazard

Just Batman and Spiderman on a TTC subway, fighting

Source: @HiMYSYeD