Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Pinky and the Bible

Last week, on the GO bus ride home, a man dressed head to toe in pink boarded at a stop near the Oshawa Centre.

How pink was he dressed?

Pink shoes, pink knee socks, pink shorts, pink leotard, pink bolero-style sweater, pink fingernails, pink lipstick, pink eye shadow and a jaunty pink hat.

He sat beside me. This was a gross error in judgement on his part.

I was playing Words With Friends on my tablet.

Pinky was extremely interested in what I was doing.

"What is that?" He asks, touching the edge of my tablet with his fingers. I move it away from his poorly manicured hands.

"It's a tablet." I reply and resume playing my game, shifting in my seat to angle myself closer to the window.

"That's not a tablet," replies Pinky. "Have you not read the Bible?"

"Um..." I mutter. I shift again in my seat.

"The Ten Commandments, have you heard of them?" Pinky asks.

"Sure," I say, closing my tablet. "Isn't one of them, 'Thou shall not bother strangers on the GO bus?'"

Pinky is aghast.

"Do you even know the Bible?" He asks, while gesturing with his hand like a magician having completed a trick. Trust me, Pinky was very dramatic.

"What a great work of fiction," I reply. "Please go ahead and tell me it's not."

By now, we've secured the attention of those around us who aren't engrossed in listening to music or sleeping.

"Are you Christian?" Pinky asks.

"Nope, I'm Cindy," I say.

He rolls his eyes. I was waiting for him to snap his fingers at me.

"No, not are you 'Christian' as 'is that your name?' Are you Christian as do you believe in Christianity?" He asks, exasperated.

"Is that a country?" I ask.

From somewhere behind us someone yells out, "It's not nice to make fun of the mentally ill!"

"Did you hear that?" I ask Pinky. "That guy thinks I'm mentally ill!"

Pinky waves his hand dismissively.

"Do you believe in God?" Pinky asks.

"That's a loaded question," I reply.

"What is it that you care about if you don't have God in your life?" Pinky asks.

"Oh my God," I say, "See what I did there? I said the word. 'God' ... I'm so glad you asked. You know what I care about?"

Pinky looks at me.

"Ever heard of the movie, Smokey and the Bandit?" I ask.

Pinky looks puzzled.

"It's a great movie. It was made back when Burt Reynolds was hot but now he's old and weird looking. Too much Botox. I hate when former sex idols mess with their faces. It makes you wonder what kind of shit Channing Tatum is gonna pull 40 years from now but by that time, you probably will be able to buy a whole new younger face and just have it sewn on. Anyway... in the movie, there's this sheriff, Sheriff Buford T. Justice or something, played by the guy who played Ralph on the Honeymooners. That was a show way before my time,  but they used to play it on CFTO at lunchtime when I was a kid, and I used to have to suffer through it while I waited for the Flintstones to come on. Of course, I never got to watch the Flintstones all the way to the end because we had a 12:55 pm end of lunch bell... Lame, I know and you know how I knew I was late? If I managed to catch the Farm Report. Yeah... anyhow... Buford T. Justice made it his mission in the movie to catch Bandit played by the then-hot Burt Reynolds. All throughout the movie, he says 'sombitch' a lot. I've been meaning to watch the movie and count how many times Buford T. Justice says, 'sombitch'. That's what's been getting me by."

A guy sitting a row over stares at me with this incredulous and very epic what-the-fuck-did-she-just-say look on his face.

Pinky is thinking. I open my tablet and go back to my Word With Friends game.

Pinky opens his mouth and shuts it. He shifts in his seat and starts chewing the nailpolish off his nails.

That's right, Pinky, I say to myself. I invented crazy.

We rode in silence until I had to ring for my stop. Pinky got up without a word and I moved into the aisle.

"Sombitch," I say as his sits back down. He ignores me.

Well played, I think as I bounce off the bus. Well played.


Bicky said...

Um, not to nitpick what is otherwise an awesome bus ride story (and I totally loved it!), but wasn't it Burt Reynolds in the movie? I don't know this Bruce you speak of...

C.J. Smith said...

You are right! But I'm pretty sure I said Bruce. Dang... Anyhow, I corrected it here for context...

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

You are my new hero!
I wish I had the balls to do something like that.

FRED said...

Ha ha ha ha!
I miss your stories. :(

Skin Man said...

That was better than a text exchange!

Made my afternoon!!

Peter said...

LOL Too much! Can you teach us to do that, Cindy?

Rouge Hill-er said...