Chow mien and then none

Good christ. In a handbasket.

Everyone in the first floor of my coach on the 8:13 tonight was subjected to a cellphone conversation courtesy of a woman who took it upon herself to phone in a Chinese food take-out order during the ride home.

All kinds of stupidity ensued. The most awesome part of her phone call was when she lost her signal three times and three times had to call the restaurant back (including the times she left them hanging to consult with her boyfriend).

She spent 10 minutes discussing chow mein and then told the person she'd call them back. After having a 7 minute discussion with her boyfriend about whether the chow mien should have chicken or shrimp, it's eventually decided it will be plain chow mien which leads to the woman calling back the Chinese food place and continuing her order.

Then she got frustrated over her third dish. She couldn't figure out what to have for a third dish so she grilled the person taking her order about their popular dishes. This resulted in the first dropped signal. Many of us blew out a collective sigh of relief because I am certain I wasn't the only one who wanted to toss her ass off at Scarborough.

Her signal eventually returns only for her to lose the connection with the restaurant two more times as the train moves through the Rouge Valley.

I was pretty close to losing my cool. It's not so much that she was trying to order dinner, it was how f*cking dramatic she was being and how loud she was talking.

Finally after learning about the restaurant's top three dishes, she again tells the person taking her order she'll call back and she rings up the boyfriend to ask him which of the three dishes he prefers.

The whole train learns that he doesn't fancy any of the suggestions which then escalates into a fight between the two of them.

We're in Pickering by the time she hangs up on him and calls the restaurant back.

Once on the line, she tells them to cancel her order because her boyfriend doesn't want to eat what she wants to eat.

She got off at Ajax.

The guy across from me cheered. I swear. He looked around, caught my eye and said, "Yayyy!"

This led to a discussion between myself and him and five others about what a donkey this woman was.

Hun-gray

Submitted by text message (9054420352)

Please, will the man with the 70s style headphones stop eating tuna fish sandwiches for breakfast on the 8:25 train from Oshawa to Union? It stinks. Try Pop Tarts. Or try tomato and mayonnaise. Muffins work well.

Suitcase

This is what I got to stare at during the ride home on the 5:20 tonight.
That's not a purse. It's not even a bag. It's a suitcase and while others had their belongings on their laps, this blonde cornhole had to be special. Even at Scarborough when a bunch of people came on, she put her head back like she was sleeping.
Rude.

- Ruth D.

Dirty donkeys

Get your dirty rank flip flops off the seat, you donkeys.

Train love

There was a teen couple on the train this morning who got on at Oshawa.
The two of them held hands and gazed adoringly into each other eyes.
By Pickering, they were locked at the lips and proceeded to 'make out' all the way to Union. There wasn't any french kissing just a lot of smooching, hair smoothing, arm petting, face touching and the burying of heads into shoulders.
They were oblivious to the stares and what I found hilarious was the woman sitting across from them kept sighing loudly and rolling her eyes.

How sad people forget.

I found the whole episode highly entertaining. Ah, teen love. Le sigh.

Lobster dinner

Submitted by Kendra (via text message to 9054420352)

Last night, I was on the 10:13 train from Union Station heading to Pickering and there was this couple near me who had takeout boxes stacked on the seat beside them.

Around Danforth the woman opened one of the takeout boxes and hunched over in her seat to eat some left-over lobster. She was using her hands to break the shells of the claws, and her teeth, and there was lobster meat flying everywhere.

Her boyfriend proceeded to the do the same thing with another takeout box and loudly sucked lobster meet from the claws. When he tried to break open the tail, it slipped from his hands and landed on the floor under a seat. He got up to grab it and he took a water bottle from the lady's bag and rinsed off the tail. At least he did this over the container and he went back to eating it.

Finally I figured I would take a photo of this hot mess with my phone but the guy caught me trying to angle my phone and he actually asked me if I was taking a picture of him. I got very nervous and told him I was trying to get a signal. He looked at me and asked me flat out if I have a problem with people eating on the train. This was getting too confrontational for me so I said no and went back to quickly reading my book.

Sorry I couldn't get a photo. You weren't kidding when you said people treat the space around them on the train like their personal living room.

Alkee-hawl

I'm on the 5:20 which is supposedly the train of 'zee classy peepull' but, er... the young guy across from me is swigging from a bottle wrapped in an LCBO brown bag and this Batman aka Adam West look alike, who smells like he crawled out of the other dude's bottle, is sawing logs. In my ear.

Perhaps I should move.

Living room?

I am sure many are familiar with people who treat a quad like it's their living room with newspapers spread out and hats and bags occupying seats. Then rather than clear the clutter, they wait until a crowd shows up (Ajax) and act like they're being inconvenienced because people stand and patiently wait for them to remove their crap.

Le sigh.

If someone did this next to me, I'd slap the polish off their toes

Submitted by Amanda

Text message dilemma

Hey, I'm just pullin into Stouffville....there's a woman with a large brown stain on her white pants right at the crack of her ass.....what's your protocol for this? Do you tell the person? Should I take a photo?
From Micah

---

No. Don't send me photos like that.

I'm not usually one to stare at a person's butt so I'm not clear on what you mean by protocol. It's not like I'd suddenly bust out a Tide pen and start writing on a person's behind.

Personally, if it was me, I'd like for people to pretend that they're suddenly blind and let me deal with it when I got home.

Love notes

About a month ago, I made a decision to include my mobile number (9054420352) on this blog so readers could send me texts and picture messages. It's worked out beautifully except for one person who sent me some "sext" messages yesterday.

For your amusement, I've reposted the exchange below.

Sexter-> Hi u there?

Me -> Hello, how can I help you?

Sexter -> Is this CJ?

Me -> Yep. What's up?

Sexter -> Are u on the train?

Me -> As a matter of fact, I am. Are you?

Sexter -> Yes. going to Whitby. I took the 5:10 from Union.

Me - > Cool. You gotta story for me?

Sexter -> Are u on 5:10

Me -> I could be. Why?

Sexter -> What do you look like?

Me -> I'll never tell.

Sexter -> C'monnnn. I'm on the srd coach. I'm wearing black pants and pink-tank with a white camisole. Come sit wid me.

Me -> Er ...

Sexter -> I can do things with my hands that only u could feel

Me -> You mean like a massage?

Sexter -> Yes

Me -> Can I bring friends?

Sexter -> Only you ... this is a one on one offer

Me -> But you don't know what I look like. I could be ugly.

Sexter -> u have a great sense of human. There's no way ur ugly.

Me -> Well my grandma tells me all the time how great looking I am, I guess that counts. And I am 'human'.

Sexter -> Ooops sry, u know what I mean ...

Sexter -> Are you horny?

Me -> On a train?!

Sexter -> I can make u feel better. I have blonde hair and I'm 27.

Me -> That's very appealing but ...

Sexter -> Are u scared?

Me - > No, but I am a woman.

The "sexts" stopped coming after my last reply.

Sounds super but...

Sending me sexts telling me you like a man with a sense of "human" and what you'd do to me if we were on a train alone has been highly amusing.

There's just one problem. Although I am "human", I'm also a woman.

408 charges for stealing your metal

Well, I can put the jar of vaseline away now that the po-po have caught the people responsible for teefing catalytic converters from vehicles parked at various GO stations.

Praise Christmas baby jesus.

Here's the news story over at CP24.

Thanks to Dan for the link.

Thank you!

I am flattered people take the time to read, comment and send in submissions.
If you're new here, welcome!

I try to dial up the crazy five times a week and just when I think the ride's going to come to a grinding "we have track congestion going into Union Station" halt, I get an email (cj@thiscrazytrain.com) or a text message (9054420352) that gets this blog back on track.

Bieber-fever

on sat nite i got to ride the LE home with a group of tweens and their parents after the justin bieber concert at the acc.

i, and many others, were subjected to an in-depth conversation about what they liked most about justin bieber and what each of them would do if they dated him.

suddenly, these 2 construction-type guys chimed in and one screams at the girls, saying: "he's a fag!", "he's a pole-licker!" and "fudge-packer!" and they both laugh out loud.

these girls were ages 9-12. they all immediately stopped talking. one looked like she wanted to cry but there was this 1 girl who got up, marched over, got right into this guy's face and told him to mind his own business and to grow up and not be so hateful. turns out she has 2 daddies and didn't appreciate the homophobic remarks.

the four parents who were chaperoning these girls (there were 6 of them) ushered them all onto another car.

i was proud of that girl ...

i'm one of her daddies.

from paul. d. in whitby

Submitted by text message to 9054420352

Barefoot may be best but ...

Not on a public train. Gross. I don't even know where her shoes are!

Submitted by Amanda to cj@thiscrazytrain.com
Burlington. 4:47 pm

---

Amanda has more to share with us. Stay tuned!

What the hell?

A foot rider, a bag rider and a foot rider apparently blown clear off the train because I don't see a body attached to those shoes.

---

This dirty turnip put the shoes he's wearing on the seat, his backup pair on the other seat and added bags for good measure.

Awesome!

Submitted by text message to 9054420352

Is it the safety circle?

Why are we so afraid to have our elbow touch another person's arm?

The woman sitting next to me this evening was taking great pains to position her arm away from me. It looked incredibly uncomfortable, so I moved.

Crazy moment shout out ...

To the lady cleaning the toe jam from her toes this morning on the Lakeshore East.
Would you like some peanut butter with that?

Submitted by text to 9054420352 from J.L.

Rough weekend

For the guy in front of me waiting to exit the train.

The back of his neck and down to where his skin disappears under his shirt is covered in scratches.

Finger-nail scratches.

(Cough)

Hey big rude dude

Did you think I forgot about what happened 2 weeks ago? [Background post]

Nope. Not a chance.

I'm not one to hold a grudge but when I saw you this morning, sitting there reading your Metro newspaper, looking half-awake, I knew I had to give you a good dose of Karma. You looked like you really, really wanted a *quiet* ride.

It's healthy for you, ya know ... good ol' Karma.

So I called my husband, who I knew would be on one of the green cutting machines at his job at a golf course, which meant I would have to yell into my phone so he could hear me. (The train wasn't full yet, nor moving.)

Oh I saw you throw me a look, you big rude dude, as I told my husband in great detail the mundane tasks I performed this morning. (Honey, if you're reading this, I know you had no clue why I was having such a conversation with you since I never phone to bore you with such details).

And although I was shaking, because I'm not a mean person or one who thrives on confrontation, because it was clear you didn't recognize me (yet), I asked you pointedly to turn down your iPod so I could hear my husband. And still, you said nothing but you did what I asked (!).

You chicken-poo. Funny how so many of these train bullies only grow a pair (and are rude) when they're in a group.

Le sigh.

Bless you. Not

Got sneezed on today.
Right in the face.

Customer appreciation?

Contributed by Tom W.

This morning was customer appreciation day at Whitby station, which included handouts of a free GO Transit branded goodie bag. The bag contained (amongst other things) sugar-free mint flavoured gum and a roll of mints.
Is GO dropping hints about commuters' morning breath?

---

Good question, Tom. The promotions people at GO must be closet halitophobics or they assume we are. See video. Apparently there's a toilet brush for tongues. Imagine if GO got a hold of these puppies ...

Overheard

There's two ladies near me bashing people they work with. Apparently one of them started a fight by leaving sticky notes on the fridge about someone who had stolen her lunch, specifically a cheese sandwich. A co-worker, trying to be funny, had written that it was delicious under her note and asked she make more. She's going on and on how rotten and childish it was of this co-worker to do that and how immature it is for other people in her department to have laughed at the note. She has spent the last 20 minutes on this topic. She's absolutely enraged, not at someone having eaten her lunch, but that a co-worker wrote on her note.

Now they're hashing a plot about how to get back at this co-worker. There's talk of unplugging the person's mouse so he thinks it's broken. They find this quite funny, actually.

Good lord ...

Banana ink

I'm on the 11:13 going towards the Shwa.
There's a man on the second car, upper level, about 45 years old or so, who is painting letters on the glass of the window near him with pieces of banana. I can't take a picture with my phone as my plan doesn't allow me to send photos, but it looks like he's writing: I hate fat chicks.

Now he's taken off his shirt and trying to clean the window with it. Now he's spitting on it.

I'm moving cars now.

- Submitted by (number withheld) via text message to 9054420352

Paging Dr. MacGyver

This woman standing near me gave herself a paper cut while reading the TO Night newspaper tonight on the 5:10. I was sitting sideways on an outside seat and when I wasn't looking, she smeared her blood on my headrest. I don't know if this was planned or accidental. What I do know is that it was friggen gross.

She couldn't rip a page out of the newspaper and use it as a makeshift bandage? Has she never seen MacGyver?!

Needs me some toe-baccky

Several months ago I witnessed something one morning that shocked, awed and disgusted me all at once. Similar to a nun's reaction to watching a Lady Gaga video.

And I've been meaning to mention it but I keep forgetting.

While waiting for the train to leave Oshawa, I watched the guy sitting across from me pull out a tin of what I thought was shoe polish at the time. I looked away for a few seconds and when I looked back, I only caught what looked like he had snorted a chunk of shoe polish.

I was so repulsed that I texted my husband who wrote back that it was probably tobacco and that this wasn't uncommon when smoking is impossible.

Never. I could never ever imagine having to resort to this. I'm addicted to food but I can't ever imagine there would be a day when I would resort to snorting a cheeseburger, small fry and a coke up my nose if chewing it wasn't an option.

I still have nightmares. Click here if you want them too.

Butt crack butterfly

Of the sweaty variety.

The dude across from me just got up to exit at Pickering.

He left a nice inkblot on his seat. He also shouldn't be wearing green shorts.

- Thanks to Tyler H. for the submission texted to 9054420352

I'm no 411

I'm on the 5:20.
My kid is reading quietly.
I'm reading quietly.

So why is this white-haired woman, dressed in pink with a matching pink purse, staring me down like I'm the phone book and she's trying to get a number?

Public Service Announcement

Brought to you by:
Mr. Moloko

Here's an interesting photo I took a few years ago. Let it serve as a reminder to those who like to cut crossings why it's deadly to do so.

There's a grade crossing in Brampton just west of the station that commuters need to cross to get to one of the parking lots. Often people cross while the gates are down, before or after their GO train passes. In the photo shown, the GO train has just departed, but there's a CN freight train sneaking up on the crossing from the other direction, hidden by the GO train.

This is usually when people would start to cross and it was luck nobody did!

Cue eyeroll

Oh yeah, I used to be like you.
The minute a kid got on with mom or dad, I'd roll my eyes and sigh and patiently wait for the circus to begin.
On my day off and for my trip into Toronto to visit Centre Island, I purposely took the Oshawa 8:25 to avoid the before-9 crowd but here's the thing. Years ago, my five year old daughter was abducted by aliens and they replaced her with the eerily obedient kid I have now.
So don't feel bad for rolling your eyes, some kids deserve it like the blonde toddler who screamed, 'CHOO CHOO!' all the way to Union.

Good times.

Riding with the kid

Monday I get to be one of "those people".

I have Monday off and I am taking my five year old on the GO train so we can hit Centre Island for the day.

But here's the thing, my kid is creepily obedient. You would swear she was 89 years old because she's the calmest kid in public and very content to sit and make small talk.

However, it's been over a year since she's been on a train ride with me. Who knows? Sh*t could hit the fan.

The ignorance in our midst

Submitted by Kirkley

I am a support worker for individuals with special needs and thought I would share this "lovely" story with you.

I boarded the GO bus in Newmarket last week to go to Union station. My client and and I sat at the front of the bus. Almost immediately after the bus departed from the terminal a fellow rider decided to very loudly express his great dislike for my handicap friend. Every time she spoke he would loudly exclaim, "f*ck me" or "Jesus Christ", among other rude remarks.

He even yelled out to people on the bus at one point asking, "Does anyone have some f*cking earplugs? This goddamn girl hasn't shut the f*ck up since she got on the bus".

It was beyond rude. When the bus driver was pulling into Union he even made a point to get out of his seat early, make his way to the front of the bus, stare at her with a look of total disgust before saying, "f*ck man" and making his way of the bus.

The bus take thes 404 and DVP so once it gets going there really is no escape, it's not like I could very well say to the bus driver, "Excuse me sir could you let us out here, I think we will catch the next bus."

It was quite possibly the most brazen display of rudeness I have ever seen and I was actually deeply upset by having to listen to someone disrespect my friend like that for close to an hour.

I was unable to confront him because I didn't wish to have a major issue while with my client or draw attention to the fact that he was being such a dick to her when she was in fact completely unaware.

I know that perhaps her talking may have annoyed some people on the bus, but she does have a right to speak. Other people with average intellectual capacity carry on conversations, some much more distasteful than the simple chatter she and I were sharing.

---

When I got this email it made my blood boil. I don't know how I would have reacted but people like that man deserve a slap across the face.

Care Bear Stare

One of the immature onions from my failed train tell-off fiasco from two weeks ago is currently seated right across from me, having gotten on at Ajax. Recognizing me, she concentrated solely on shoving her iPod headphones into her ears in an effort to avoid me. So I stare.

Coward.

I can see you!

Crazy train reader rider Marion C. sent this photo in. It's a difficult shot because she's trying to capture a digital pic through four panes of glazed glass but it's a dirty turnip with her feet on the seat and a bag on the seat next to her.

I know, it's hard to see her. So I drew a chalk outline.

And her bag.

Ahhh, now you see the turnip. Dirty foot rider. Cue the song! "Mrs. Bag Rider ... "

Silky smooth

The man across from me has absolutely no hair on his legs. Plus, they're so smooth-looking that they're shiny.

I can't stop staring.

Hoofed

This morning, after a terrible night of not being able to sleep, I fell asleep on the train somewhere after Pickering - something I rarely, rarely do.

You know that sensation of falling one will sometimes experience while dozing off? Yeah, that happened to me. And my leg shot out and I kicked this woman standing near me right in the shin. HARD. I also startled myself awake.

I was so embarrassed. I apologized profusely and got up and told her to sit. I insisted she sit. Then I left the coach and went to another because I was being stared at.

I guess it beats naming your kids after Twilight characters ...

On the train this morning a mother with two kids, a boy and girl, kept addressing them as Hercules and Zeena (Xena?). All three were on their way to Union to go to Centreville for the day on Centre Island. I know this because young Hercules fist-pumped the air every 5 minutes and shouted, "Centreville, yeah!"
Which was followed by his sister proclaiming she was going to drive the "olden day cars!"
Which was followed by the mother yelling, "Hercules, Xena - shut up!"

Good times.

Invest in some gum

There's nothing worse than inhaling someone's garlic breath because you don't want to sacrifice your seat.

Who eats garlic bread for breakfast? I don't know what else can cause someone to stink so bad. Is there a garlic toast cereal I don't know about?

I'm actually impressed by how stubborn I am. I won't budge. I paid to sit here, dammit.

Mind the gap

I get a kick out of the people who walk through the train to reach the first car and attempt to keep going once in the first car.
Just watched a man attempt to detach the security bar when a rider asked him if he planned to drive the train since there's no more coaches to walk through.

It takes a lot of courage to speak up

The ride home last night on the 4:53 was 'reedonkeylous' <- This is a new word of mine. Feel free to throw it around.

On the first coach, at the most eastern end near the doors stood a group of 7 people who spent the entire trip to Pickering forcing their laughter and conversation onto the rest of us. The rest of us being those who were trying to relax, read, work a crossword puzzle and doze off.

I'm not a prude. I don't expect silence and that's not realistic nor fair. What I do expect is some simple manners and common courtesy. Shouting, screaming, hysterical laughter and swearing are best suited for a bar patio, not the confines of a train.

Once at Pickering, the obnoxiousness displayed by this group rose to such a stupid level of rudeness that I forced myself to say something. I spoke up and kindly asked if they could keep it down as some people are trying to unwind, sleep and read.

Judging by the reactions of those around me, I could tell no one was surprised I spoke up and seemed almost relieved someone had said something but I put myself out there and got my ass handed to me on a platter by one of the taller men in the group - a man I see almost everyday in the mornings. He yelled at me and said "it ain't gonna happen." Then he and the rest of his train buddies proceeded to talk loudly and of course, I became the topic of their conversation. There were a lot of cheap shots directed at me but I chose to remain quiet and focused on looking out the window.

Sensing my discomfort, a few riders around me quietly thanked me for speaking up and told me this particular group of people behave like that every night.

I'm happy people are glad I spoke up but it would have been nice if I had more support verbally. Perhaps if these same people would have also expressed their annoyance alongside mine, I wouldn't have felt so vulnerable and uncomfortable. I realize most of us stay quiet to avoid confrontation but there's nothing wrong with a united front.

I can dish it and take it but when you ride a train with people you see daily, you really have to pick your battles carefully and this was a battle I felt was warranted.

I don't regret saying something, it had to be said.

What I don't like is I've now put myself out there and am now a target for further harassment.

I remember a time when people respected each other and if I was being loud and asked to quiet it down, I would apologize and correct my behaviour.

There's no more kindness left in the world for some. For many, it really does seem it's all about them and everyone else can just screw off.

Park how I want to

A reader sent me a picture message (@ 9054420352) of this fantastic parking job at the Oshawa GO parking lot this morning.

Apparently this person parks how they want to completely ignorant to the fact that others also need to park. Hugging another spot and preventing another person from parking there is inconsiderate. If you can't take the time to park correctly, perhaps you need to take the bus or re-learn how to back into a parking spot correctly.

Thieves!

Mike C. told me about an incident at the Oshawa GO lot today where a guy had his catalytic converter sawed off of his Oldsmobile Bravada's exhaust pipe.

That's right. Some a-hole literally crawled under this man's car and sawed off a crucial piece of his car's exhaust system costing the owner over $1200 for a new one.

I've warned you all that criminals will siphon gas from your parked car and now they will remove car parts to sell them for scrap.

Beware. There are jerks in our midst.

Results of the June/July poll questions

I asked:

June/July Poll: What's the worst GO Train commuter behaviour?

50 of you responded with:

Eating smelly food 12 (24%)

Talking loudly on mobile phones 23 (46%)

Snoring 1 (2%)

Forcing a conversation onto others 4 (8%)

Using seats for belongings 4 (8%)

Using seats as foot stools 4 (8%)

Loud music 2 (4%)

Charging down the aisles 0 (0%)

---

I knew I wasn't alone with the smelly food but really? No one thought charging down the aisles warranted at least 1 vote?

A facefull of bum makes the medicine go down, medicine go down

The guy across from me hasn't been doing a good job of hiding his disgust over the fact that the guy standing next to him keeps delivering a face full of bum everytime the train rocks from side to side.

Don't climb over me, thanks

Submitted by Lily S.

Not so much of a story but I guess a bit of a rant.

I can't understand the people who sit in an empty row of seats on the train and instead of sliding in towards the window, they maintain their position in the aisle seat. Now this doesn't pose much of a problem on empty trains or off-peak hours, but there's been numerous times I've seen when the train gets full and there's people standing all around while the lone empty window seat remains unoccupied, all the while the aisle seat elitist appears to not have a clue as to what's going on.

Move Over.

Don't make me crawl over you to sit down.

Move Over.

Or at least get up to let someone get into the window seat.

Additionally, what happens to people's basic etiquette on the train? When I happen to be seated in an aisle seat (and of course there's someone seated in the window seat) and the window seat occupant's stop arrives, more times than not, instead of a polite "excuse me", "out please" or even "move" all I get is the person pressing his/her body into mine alerting me that they want out. Perhaps I should become the reverse "aisle seat elitist" and instead make people climb over me to get out.

S'up

So did you enjoy your long weekend? Were you one of those who didn't buy an August pass before today?

No, I'm not going to say anything as I've done it myself but at least I come to the station early so I don't risk missing the train as I wait for the line to snake its way to the counter.

My beef is with the people who show up two minutes before the train leaves and hurl abuse at anyone in their way because they're panicked they won't have their pass purchased in time to make the train.

Awww, too bad. There's no one to blame for your tardiness except yourself. Don't take your frustrations out on others by shoving people aside as you make your way onto the train with seconds to spare.

That kind of behaviour deserves a judo chop across the back of the leg but I won't do it. Because I don't like jail.

Dirty linebackers.

Thirty minutes!?

There's a dude standing next to me who just told the lady beside him that if she doesn't run to her car once these doors open at Oshawa, it will take her 30 minutes to drive her car out of the lot.
Since when? I'm out in less than 10.

Garbage nazi

This morning, I went to throw out my coffee cup into one of those square garbage receptables on the wall near the doors when this woman told me not to throw my cup in there because, "it's not meant for that".

Sorry, not meant for what? Garbage? Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want me to refrain from using it until I have a dirty baby diaper? Shall I toss my coffee cup on the floor?

Some people really need to get bent.

Dialing up crazy on the celly

Submitted by Donna O.

I just wanted to share my brief story about a young hoodlum on the train a few weeks ago. I just happened to be riding the train with a co-worker on the way back from work. My coworker and I were chatting when a young man, perhaps in his early twenties, dialed a number on his cell phone and began speaking to someone. Of course he was talking so loudly everyone around him couldn’t help but overhear his conversation which sounded something like this. “Yeah I got a blind date on Saturday. It’s with some f***ing big t**ty broad."

My coworker and I immediately look at each other. He goes on and starts arguing, “Listen you **** I’m trying to treat you with respect, you could have been part of my life you stupid ho. By the way don’t ever threaten me because I’ll kill your whole family.”

The conversation literally took place over the period of ten minutes. Meanwhile, everyone is just looking at each other. I see a woman with her son covering his ears. I was so embarrassed, it was one of those moments where you wish you had stood up for everyone on the train. I guess it’s not like the old days where an old lady would straight up smack you in the face and say something like, “that’s for your mama.”

I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only person that thought this person was just about the most ignorant person we have ever encountered. He was a typical poster child for prison. I really couldn’t help but thinking afterward that this guy was probably not even talking to anyone and was just literally “screaming for attention.”

I don’t really think anyone would threaten someone over the phone that loudly on a busy train.

A spit and a shine

Submitted by Frank L.

Monday night, I was coming home on the 8:13 p.m. milk run. I had succumbed to the gentle rocking of the train from Union to Whitby. So, having fallen asleep, I awoke as the train rambled on to Oshawa to a man who had taken the liberty to shine my shoes.

He strongly suggested the shine was free, but the tip was on me. In my daze, I mumbled something like, "No thanks." To which he began to become slightly taken aback. I stood up and threw him a loonie and hustled off the train when we pulled into Oshawa.

I'm still not sure what he used on my shoes. I'm scared to even guess.

Bible thump

Turns out, there's no polite way to tell a complete stranger you're not interested in 'being saved' at 8:30 in the morning.

Spontaneous Combustion

This turkey purposely put her feet up on the seat in front of her to prevent people boarding at Ajax from sitting there this morning.

You know, if there was a way putting feet on seats would trigger a foot fire, I guarantee you this filthy and rude practice would go the way of the DoDo bird.

Hundred dollah bill, y'all

Mike has a burning question for us all.

On the weekend, Mike noticed a 100 dollar bill lying on the track at Pickering. He jumped down onto the track to fetch it and wound up being ratted on by another passenger waiting on the platform. Mike won't be facing any prosecution but he was told to surrender the money to lost and found.

He wants to know what y'all think happened to the dough.

I want to know why Mike didn't just go down to the station desk and ask the CSRs if they could get the $100 bill he dropped. Problem solved. Right Mike?

As for the money, it probably did find its way to lost and found but I'm pretty sure there's a law on the books about found money and after a waiting period, it can be claimed as yours.

And as I lay down my ranky feet ... I hope I don't spill my ice cream treat

Shot on the 4:47 West to Burlington and submitted by Amanda who writes,

"This was on the standing room only/sitting on the stairs 447 train towards Burlington. Disgusting! The seats around her were empty because people looked at her bare feet on the chair and shoes on the floor and kept looking for another seat."

Apparently this lady rocked back and forth nearly spilling ice cream on the man in green. An awkward food choice at rush hour, no?

You've got it wrong

Riding this damn train everyday at $272 a month is not a 'privilege' because it's 'clean, accessible transportation' while others walk 'miles across desert' to work.

Where do you read on your ticket 'NO CHARGE'? This crazy ain't free.

I'm privileged to be able to afford the cost of clean and accessible transportation, not because I don't live in the desert, but because I have a job.

And because I do pay, I'll blog about the crazy.

If you don't like it, move on. Mmm'k?

Motor mouth

The girl next to me has not shut up once during the entire 40-minute train ride so far from Union.

I've been subjected to listening to a conversation with a valley girl dialect punctuated with 'anyways', 'like', 'basically' and 'ohmigod'.

Coincidentally, she has spent the last 20 minutes or so complaining about a girl in her office who doesn't shut up.

Pregnant

Yes.

You give up your seat.

The end.

*This same rule applies to those who are elderly and disabled. If you have two perfectly good legs, you stand.

Friday

I had the day off and was all set for a three-day long weekend but had a funeral instead so I got a break from the crazy for a day.

Apparently I missed major drama on the 4:53 after a passenger tripped another passenger on the stairs resulting in a broken wrist according to an email.

That's a bummer. If you were on that coach, write me.

Rolling Luggage

When it's busy in the morning on those very narrow platforms at Union, please consider carrying your rolling suitcase.

Why?

I did not enjoy having a person cut in front of me and not seeing his rolling suitcase, I tripped, stumbled and eventually fell landing on my side and almost rolling off the platform. One side of me is covered in grime (at least I had the sense to wear brown today) and my arm is skinned from the elbow to the upper arm.

It hurt like a son-of-a-b*tch.

Worse is that the dude told me I should watch where I'm going. Two complete strangers helped me up. The man who tripped me continued on with his day.

I just can't believe what we've become as a society.

Dirty beast

Hey, didn’t I see you on the GO bus yesterday?

You catch the train at Ajax, just like I do.

Of course, you pushed past me at the door to the station, stepped out of line to grab a free newspaper, then cut back in front, forced your way onto the train before anyone else could get on, parked yourself and your rolling suitcase in the doorway, blocking it and then huffed at the people crowding on past you and gave me a dirty look as I reached around you to grab hold of the bar.

You're a dirty beast.

I feel better now.

Submitted by Pam K. of Ajax

Along for the ride

Excuse me. Is that seat taken? Oh, really. Well, did your purse purchase a ticket?

I asked this of a woman yesterday, writes Mel. D. from Mississauga, and she asked me if I bought an extra ticket for my "fat ass". Then she put her feet on the seat under her big purse and asked me what I was going to do about it.

Why are people so damn rude?

Air conditioning

Dear GO People,
Yes please.

Crank it. Swear to God. Those who are cold can pack a sweater. I can't take off my skin.

Bag rider! Damn you

Snapped on the 5:20

When I see a bag rider, I think of "Mr. Cab Driver" by Lenny Kravitz. Substitute the chorus with "Mrs. Bag Rider" instead of "Mr. Cab Driver". I guarantee you'll have this stuck in your head.

Have a listen.

Seriously, some of you are gross

The woman next to me is generating bags of sweat. She's wearing a knitted cardigan and fanning herself furiously with a newspaper. Every second or so, she keeps wiping her neck sweat against the headrest and then wriggles down a bit and dries it with her head.

Really.

It all makes sense now!

I'm not a Blackberry user. In fact, I've never used one so I'm not entirely clear how they function.

Recently, I learned you can assign a distinct ring tone to a person in a contact list.

There's a dude that rides the 7:53am from Oshawa whose Blackberry will often go off and he's got a few ring tones. I just thought he liked variety, so it just dawned on me he's customized his contact list.

One ring tone used to confuse me because it sounded like "na-na-na-na" but when I heard it again this morning, I realized it's "nag-nag-nag-nag" because when he answered the call he said, "Hey, honey."

Must be for the wife.

Arm

Please refrain from having your elbow poke my breast.

LEARN WHAT A SAFETY CIRCLE IS!

Jerk.

Commando

Judy M. writes, "This woman sitting in front of me must have forgotten she passed on panties this morning because she lifted her skirt up to fan herself and showed me the full Monty.

I can no longer see. I had my dog write this email."

Bag Beatdown

Submitted by Patricia K.

One of my biggest pet peeves are people who can't put their bags down at their feet while they stand in the aisles. Instead they push their bags, backpacks and portfolio luggage into the faces and heads of those sitting. It's just common courtesy.

People who wear backpacks also need to realize that most of these backpacks are so full of stuff it's like another person standing behind them. Take it off. Thank you.

Real Estate Fail

No, this isn't a post about psychotic dress patterns designed to make you take up the smoke. This is a post about real estate. Seat real estate.

Angela W. writes: Standing room only Lake Shore West 17:13 train.

This cretin gets on early and immediately cramps the courtesy seats. Both of them.

Not content to merely bag ride the 2nd seat, she's positioned herself for maximum sprawl. Numerous folks gave her the hairy eyeball but nobody had the brass pair to ask her to move herself and her belongings onto 1 seat.

I think it's because many were afraid her skirt would swallow them. And those waves are mesmerizing! About as mesmerizing as those animated gifs of girls dancing, like this one:
Oh yeah, you work it honey.

Please don't sing

It's awesome you enjoy your music but that doesn't mean I like your music. It doesn't mean the woman sitting next to you likes your music either. And if you plan on opening your mouth to serenade us all, unless you have a recording contract you can show me, shut it.

Nose flute

The fact that you can whistle through your nose is not a gift.
Please consider purchasing this product the next time you're in a Wal-Mart:

Tall tales

I'm listening to this woman relay a story about a camping trip in Algonquin Park friends of hers went on two weekends ago.

It involved three cop friends and an axe-wielding mental patient who terrorized their camp site.

Apparently none of these police officers had firearms so one of them chased after the suspect with a canoe paddle.

The suspect ran to the beach and escaped by using a canoe moored nearby.

Two of her friends then jumped into another canoe and a high speed canoe chase ensued.

The story was funny even if it was b.s.

Food poisonings, I has it

Stayed home. Hope to feel alive tomorrow.

Open windows. Oshawa Go Parking Lot

Was there some kind of world record for how many drivers would leave their windows down in a torrential rainstorm at the Oshawa Go parking lot this morning?

Five cars, all with windows down, in pouring rain and not an owner in site. I've never seen that before.

Fill me in. None of these cars had leather interiors.

Keep your rank, sweaty feet off the seats!

I know Toronto's heat wave is bad. But it could be worse. It could be Tokyo. At rush hour

No? Not crazy enough? How about Yokohama, Japan?

Hairy eyeball

by Mike L.

On the way into Union this morning, I had the pleasure of riding in a quad with two snot-nosed kids and their space cadet mother.

These kids spit their gum out at each other, picked their noses and then wiped whatever gold they dug out onto each other's seats and slapped each other with their sandals.

This went on for well over 20 minutes before I let out a huge sigh and fixed them both with an icy death stare.

Then suddenly, with little warning, the older of the two boys jumped up to stand on his seat and screamed at me.

"Stop giving us the hairy eyeball!" He yelled.

He then spent the rest of the ride complaining to his mother how I kept giving him and his brother the hairy eyeball. Eventually, as we were just passing through Danforth, I got up and went to stand downstairs.

Who are you parents? And who the hell says "hairy eyeball" these days?

Bag riding on Lakeshore West

Submitted by Helen I.

At least the briefcase was fashion conscious enough to wear a jacket for the trip. Heaven forbid it find the air conditioning too cold.

Bag rider - Owned on the 4:53

4:44 - Backpack placed on seat.

4:47 - Several people pass by, some annoying glances are given, but no one asks for the bag to be moved.

4:49 - Lady in gray pants picks the backpack up off the seat and asks the two ladies whose it is. She pointedly asks, "Does this backpack belong to one of you?"
Lady on the aisle seat says it's hers and Lady in gray pants asks, "Are you saving this seat for someone because these trains are first come first serve". And she puts the backpack down on the floor.

And she didn't even sit in the seat! Just beside it!

It was solid gold. I love her.

GO Transit introduces its new brake technology

Chuck Norris will now ride the train each day to ensure it stops safely. Because only Chuck Norris can stop a speeding train with his bare feet and one hand.

What's a Chuck Norris fact? You mean, you don't know?!

Sleepin' Hardcore

James writes, "Took this tonight on the Barrie train. She was snoring away like she'd paid for the whole night. "

Write on!

You fail! This woman was practically using my lap and bag as her personal desk. When I moved my bag to get out my book and accidentally knocked her papers, she asked me if I minded?

You bet your a$$ I mind. I mind so much I took a photo. Stay in your own damn space.

Get bent

Those of you who complain about how cold the air conditioning is on the train should walk home.

Girth

Hey, you ... big guy near the window.

I know these seats don't accommodate girth very well but if you're going to pretend like you're at home in your living room, do everyone a favor and sit in an aisle seat sideways. You're not in a La-Z-Boy.

So sit up, pull in your tree trunk calves and give the people across from you some leg room. Most passengers aren't built like Gumby.

I personally have not been able to fold my legs into myself since I was 10 months old and spent my days sucking on my heels.

Can't you tell from the people who run in the opposite direction?

Lord have mercy.

The entire first floor of this coach has pretty much vacated because the lone guy sitting in the window seat must have gone 10 rounds with a gorilla in a cage match somewhere where there is no soap or running water because he stinks to high heaven. It's a cloud of b.o. and stale cigarettes.

My nose was assaulted the minute I stepped on the train. I don't think I'll ever recover.

Smelly bum

Submitted by Ramona C.

I was on the accessibility coach with this mother and her two small children on Monday (June 26). One of the kids was stuck crammed between several people and also at bum level. He obviously noticed because he kept telling his mother that the butt of the woman in the green pants standing in front of him was smelly.

What? Canada Day rage

Er, so a few people sent emails to me (cj@thiscrazytrain.com) upset that there wasn't a post yesterday (from me instead of a submission) and one person expressed surprise over the fact that I didn't, at the very least, write a "Happy Canada Day" post.

So, Happy Not Canada Day everybody!

Getting up earlier could help

Kelly writes: To the lady who sometimes sits next to me on the Lakeshore East line, who spends 10 minutes putting on make up. Then stops to read. And then decides to finish putting on eyeliner once the train arrives at Union Station while people are trying to get off. People like me, who are trapped in the inner seat (of a two-seater) waiting for you to move. You might have heard me mutter a few choice words as I crawled over you. I'm kind of sorry for being crusty, but come on!

Use your brain.

Here Kitty, Kitty

Submitted by Daniel

I ride the GO bus to Yorkdale each day. You know it's gonna be bad when a woman gets on with a sickly looking cat tied to a shoelace. She explained to the driver that Beets was ill and she didn't have a carrier and he had already clawed through a box so she hoped he (the driver) would let her on so she could get him to the vet at Lawrence and Bathurst. He (the driver) thought about it for some time. This lady could have been my grandma. So he let her on and she sat in the seat in front of me. We started to move and Beets pretty much stapled himself to the woman. She was in a lot of pain. I had my Goodlife duffel bag with me and with some help at the next stop we got the cat in it and got it zipped up. By the time we got to Yorkdale the cat had clawed his way out of my $40 gym bag. The woman carried her cougar off the bus and made her way to the subway. She didn't even offer to pay for the damage!

OMG

Lady across from me? Nice girl. Thing is, she's been yappin' on her celly exclaiming, 'OMG!' after almost every sentence.
Have we gotten so lazy that we now must resort to using acronyms in our daily speech?

Take it away Steve!

Hi,
I snapped this pic tonight of two men who were casually playing a game of foot lovin'. It's nice to see that in light of all this stress with the G20, true love can still prevail!

---

Amen, Steve, Amen!

Even if there was no dance of the toe jam going on here and it was just a case of one guy too tall to keep his legs tucked in, it's still a compelling love story.

Serenity now, I don't need to know where you sweat

I have just spent the last 21 minutes - no lie - listening to a group of women laugh and joke about how sweaty their lady bits are, even going so far to offer remedies for boob sweat and unbelievably, crotch sweat. Then they moved onto butt sweat and other kinds of sweat subjected by men. They were incredibly graphic and in hysterics at times. Some people who had no choice but to listen were laughing and others looked downright disgusted.

Hey, I enjoy a good laugh now and then but this kind of talk is best suited for the bar, not the train ride home. Or perhaps next time just tone it down a notch.

Menacing man

So I rode the train this morning with this security guard sitting across from me staring at my orange bag/satchel/purse.

In it was my breakfast which is always a Quaker Granola bar. I like the ones that are covered with a strip of yogurt but they've got these new ones now that have Omega-3 in them but I haven't seen any on sale so I haven't had a chance to try them <- Did you like that? That's my impression of train people who have to tell people their life story about everything they do.

I wasn't sure how to go about opening my bag seeing as this dude was staring hard at it like he was trying to X-Ray it. I also had my phone in there which I was itching to use so I could blog about this bloke.

Finally I broke the ice by asking him if it was okay if I opened my bag or did he want to search it first?
He blinked at me and said I could go ahead.

I don't know what to make of any of this. He was from a security firm. He didn't have a GO logo on his uniform but all I could think about was the 18 year girl who was arrested Sunday on the train coming in from Whitby because she had a gas mask in her bag.

I really didn't want to be taken down over a granola bar.

Armaggedon

by Celia

It must be. It has to be near. There were only 40 people on my coach today. We came in from Stouffville.

Union Station was eerily empty.

Baggage

Tom writes: Here's the poster that tells passengers to keep their crap off the seats and out of the aisles. And to the guy on the Barrie line who complained in a comment there's no rule for how much crap people can bring on the train, the Tariffs (aka rules for the slower people like him) are online. I suggest you learn to read.

Locked

Donna writes: I don't trust anymore what's been told to us over the announcements in regards to G20 security. Why would anyone ride a train to Oshawa when the summit is in Toronto?? Every accessible bathroom on the Thursday 7:17pm train to Oshawa was locked. I wish the photo was clearer but you can see the no entry logo.

What dividing armrest? I'm sleepin' hardcore.

I thought this was overly and utterly ridiculous. Hope you post it.

- Marie in Whitby

How much for that severed head in the window?

Submitted by Aaron O., Oshawa GO Parking Lot

Just gratin' some cheese

Submitted by M.H.

Hey CJ, yesterday morning I watched a woman get on at Oshawa and while we waited for the train to leave she took the opportunity before it got busy to pull out a pumice stone and began filing down the callouses on the heels of her feet. Skin was flying everywhere and all I could think of was Parmesan cheese.