Monday, September 27, 2010

Keep your wetness to yourself

I caught the 5:10 tonight.
I sat on an outside seat which meant I'd have to swing my legs to let window lovers in.

One window lover in particular dragged her sopping wet umbrella across my lap. I was wearing brown pants. I now looked like I had pissed myself. Then, she struggled to pull off her enormous coat and clocked me in the head with her elbow. So I spoke up and asked her if she would like to sit on the outside seat. She declined.

It took her almost 10 minutes to get settled. Then her friend showed up. This friend had a bad and serious case of stale cigarette breath. The kind of breath you would imagine one would get if they licked an ashtray clean. A huge discussion about autism ensued. Waft after waft of cigarette wind enveloped me like Aretha Franklin at a buffet table. I resorted to breathing into my jacket collar.

The rhino next to me was also using my side girth as her personal arm rest which annoyed me to no end. Oshawa couldn't come fast enough.

After Whitby, I was able to move and sit away from them. The guy who sitting in the opposite window seat, I had noticed, had cranked up his music and I could make out every lyric to the song he was listening to. I'm sure the mind-numbing autism conversation was more than he could handle.

Then, as we're exiting the train at Oshawa, rhino says loudly for everyone to hear, "Loud enough for ya?" And smirks, pleased with herself.

Cue my opportunity for a dig.

"Sometimes people jack up their music", I say, "so they don't have to listen to people like you."

And then I sprinted off the train. Because I read somewhere that rhinos, although they look harmless, can kill.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You could have said: The volume was ok, it was your breath/smell that was killing us.