You. Me. Ride This Crazy Train - Adventures and Observations on The GO: January 2011

Monday, January 31, 2011

Do you mind if I spread out?

It's gonna take more than those flimsy pieces of rubber to protect those pretty loafers come Wedesday.

I also have to admire how this man made himself at home. Impressive, no?

Broken promises = black eyes?

Someone penciled in a black eye on this poster.

There are other ways to vent your frustration, dirty turnips. Defacing a poster isn't one of them.

Who are you talking to at 7am? Why?

I took the 7am Oshawa-Union train this morning. This is the earliest I've ever taken the train and at that hour, you really can appreciate the desire for quiet or at the very least expect "church voice" from those who absolutely MUST CALL SOMEONE.

It's still dark! Dark = sleep. Dark does not = call up a friend and have a full-volume conversation about your weekend.

Are you jokers for real?

If my husband/sister/friend/lover/mom/dad/daughter/cousin/son/guy-who-owns-the-farm-down-the-road called me at 7am to chat me up about what I did Saturday night, I'd find a way to put my fist through the phone.

I wound up moving from where I was sitting - ALL NICE AND COMFORTABLE I MIGHT ADD - to upstairs, where I got to listen to another conversation a woman was having with her daughter about:
- respect
- rules
- no boys in her room when dad's not home
- how the washing machine works
- why foil in the microwave is bad
- why the dog can't be left in the garage to pee
- how many times she's been told to be home at a respectable hour (11 pm... Holy Moses, when I was a teenager, 9 pm was a respectable hour. These kids don't how good they have it)
- dishes don't belong under the living room couch
- why she "has to be that way"
- how it may be time to change high schools so she has better friends (ouch)
- and on, and on, and on ...

Oy.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

"How does Presto work?" asked Jill on a cold January morning. "How the hell should I know?" was my reply

I hadn't really been paying much attention to this supposed card of the future, appropriately called "Presto", as in "presto", your money's gone. Ha ha. No? Sorry.

I understand change isn't easy and automation tends to put people out of work, but paper passes aren't the best method anymore, and never really were. If you lose your paper, flat-fee, monthly GO pass, the only hope in hell you have for recovering it is a shout out in a commuter newspaper and the kindness of others to bring it to the Lost and Found at Union Station. Balls, right?

I've never lost a pass but I did get one wet when it fell into a puddle one crazy morning at the first of the month. It was still fresh from the ticket booth and I was in the process of putting it into a zipped compartment of my satchel when it slipped from my fingers. It didn't dry well and resulted in a glare of disgust when I had to present it for inspection one evening to a GO transit inspector, who lectured me on "proper pass handling" and said "perhaps I need to carry mine in a Ziploc bag". True story. Perhaps I should be riding the short bus. With a helmet - seeing as I lack the skill needed to carry a monthly pass.

If you lose or have your Presto card stolen, your balance is protected and transferred to a new card. That's fantastic.

Throughout January stood the two Presto dudes with their colour pamphlet peddling the card to those boarding at Oshawa. Jill and I decided to figure out how the card calculates fare. The pamphlet didn't help. I can't make change from a dollar let alone figure out what 87.5% of an adult one-way fare is, let alone calculate how the fare is deducted when the card is used.

Jill and I expressed our confusion to another train buddy of ours, affectionately known as Uncle. Uncle created an Excel spreadsheet for us so we could plug in the values to view how the discounts work.

For me, the best feature of this card is the fact that I can reload online, anytime. No more schlepping to the station at 11 pm at night on the last day of the month so I can avoid the 30-minute line up the next day (and miss the train). Why I can never remember to buy my pass when I am at the station only proves how focused I am at just getting off the train and getting the hell home. On a short bus. With my helmet.

GO Transit hasn't implemented a Presto fare calculator on their website and this is a huge customer service oversight. People have to understand a product to use it effectively or at least understand how it offers a discount as opposed to full fare.

UPDATE (based on comments below)
As Dan pointed out, Presto will soon replace the current paper-pass method, so it has to be comparable, and it does work like a monthly pass assuming you go to work everyday for the full working month.

And as Kary pointed out, rather than purchasing a monthly pass at a flat fee, Presto also takes into account:
a) sick days
b) vacation days

Therefore, you only pay for rides you actually take and not for the two weeks where you didn't go to work, but paid for the fare anyway through a flat monthly pass amount, because you contracted the plague (like me in December) and paid $272 for 14 days of travel (losing $41 in fare that does not carry over).

I hate paying for something I didn't use.

Download the Presto Fare Calculator spreadsheet (Updated for 2012). Key in the values where specified.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Gum chewing donkey

JSkinner writes in an email to cj@thiscrazytrain.com:

I'm on the 17:34 LSW sitting quietly and on jumps a fellow chewing gum rather vigorously. Don't get me wrong, I love chewing gum, even blowing bubbles with my kids, but this fellow must be training his jaw muscles for some sort of Guinness Book of World Records attempt at pulling a GO train with nothing but a rope clenched between his teeth.

Anyway, I am a very patient person, but the open-mouth chewing and gum popping for the past 10 minutes are really starting to get to me and I am contemplating either to move, or quietly asking the dude to chew with his mouth closed. Finally, he decides he's had enough and puts the gum discreetly into its wrapper - cue the hallelujahs ...then he immediately starts another piece with wild abandon.

Now, I'm thinking he's just doing to it to annoy me ...but then I think maybe he's given up smoking for New Year's and needs this distraction, or he's afraid of trains or whatever ...so I spend the next 5 minutes alternating between feeling sorry for the guy and wishing he was dead ...anyway we pull into Clarkson and he hauls ass off the train ...probably to have a smoke!

I wanted to photoshop a GO nutjob pulling a GO train with some rope but you'll just have to use your imagination. Love the story.

Coal Miner's Daughter

From: Chris H.
Date: Thu, Jan 27, 2011 at 6:37 AM
Subject: for your foot rider collection
To: cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Hey CJ

I am so thrilled to find your website and impressed I can read it from my iPhone. Where have you been my whole life??? I've always said someone needs to record the shenanigans that goes on in the trains. This photo has been on my phone since this summer. I remember looking up from my book and noticed the woman in the quad over from me had her feet up and I was horrified when I stared at the bottom of her feet. I'm not sure if she walked barefoot to the station but is that not disgusting? Does she work in a coal mine??? And she's grinding them onto the seat in front of her! Keep up the great work. You made me laugh out loud!

A reader asks, "Turnip?"

From: Hank R.
Date: Sat, Jan 29, 2011 at 10:14 AM
Subject: turnip?
To: cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Hi CJ,

Just wondering why you use the word turnip alot when dissing people?

Because I hate turnips. They're disgusting and gross. I also hate football which will explain the "dirty linebacker" references.

Is your name really Hank? Isn't that exclusive to Texas?

Friday, January 28, 2011

Well thank god them cellphones don't work down in the TTC tunnels, huh? (Letter to This Crazy Train.com)

Hey CJ

re: TTC to passengers: Don’t snap texting drivers

I just read this article in the Star about TTC drivers being caught in the act of texting while driving. WTF is going on!

Seriously, don't we have enough issues with TTC and hear more shit about it?

AND explain to me why NO ONE tells the bus driver to get off the flipping phone!

I know that when I get into a taxi cab, I always insist that he wait until he drops me off to answer his phone OR pull over, stop the meter and answer his bloody phone... IT'S NEVER AN EMERGENCY.

Remember people, these drivers have your lives in their hands.

The least they can do is wait to stop at any designated bus stop and do what they have to do OR more importantly, stay off the phone like the rest of the drivers in Ontario have to do!

Just sharing,
e

It's Donkey Friday!

Thanks to "401" for the GO bus pic.

Someone get this girl a pillow, she already has a window with a view. If it wasn't for those jeans, she'd also be giving a view.

Park how I want to? Absolutely.

See the curb? You'd notice if you drove over it. This was deliberate asshole parking. This person didn't just wind up on there.

Shot by yours truly this morning at 7:07 am.

I demand a ticket for this jerk. It's the least GO can do because you guys need to get it together at Oshawa. The abuse is ridiculous. I swear it's monkey-see/monkey-do.

Is this seat taken?

Apparently so. By a dirty turnip.

Thanks to Jill for the pic.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Like my new logo?

Look up.

Thanks to Kelly H. for the suggestion.

Public Service Announcement for Door Pigs and Stair Hogs

Here's a thought!

Since you know your ironman asses of steel plan to ride in an upright position home, how about y'all refrain from scrambling onto the train first and hang out on the platform til it's time to leave?

This way, those of us who like to sit don't have to plow through you.

I bodychecked you on purpose, jerk.

Island of stupid

More pics of parking at Oshawa Island

Oh na na, what's my name ... oh na na, what's my name? It's Rihanna! Serenity now!

Please, Drake, just tell the girl her name!

And the square root of 69 is 8.306623862918074, so stop trying to figure it out.

As much as I enjoyed the lady sitting beside me tonight's choice in music, she needs to understand that if you only have 4 songs loaded onto your iPod, choosing the shuffle feature is pointless. I got to listen to:

"What's My Name" - Rihanna (four times)
"Club Can't Handle Me" - Flo Rida or however it's spelled, it's a friggin state, not a name (3 times)
"Celebrity Status" - Marianas Trench (2 times). The video for this song is fantastic BTW
"It Takes Two" - Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock.

The last song was one hell of a throwback, let me tell you (2 times). Reminds of this video that teaches one how to do the running man. Oh yes. It's true.

Dedication

Got an email request from "IBM Dude" whose GO crush reads this website. He writes, "This song describes how I feel when I see you everyday on the platform. Hold me a seat!"

Because ... you know ... you should really plan better for where you're gonna croak

You'll notice I've edited the headline because we all know GO will stop that train for a hangnail.

Considering the quick response by GO employees, which all jokes aside is a GOOD thing, I would also suspect that suffering cardiac arrest on a GO train also increases one's risk for survival as opposed to being at home, alone, watching another episode of Hoarders on A&E.

Photo from the January 27th edition of Metro Newspaper (Toronto); front page.

Off topic: Waffles, what?

For real.

At Marché in the Bay Adelaide Centre, in the basement, on the path towards the Bay.

I hauled my ass in early today (took the 7:15 Oshawa-Union which really should become my train of choice - puts me at my desk by 8:30).

All it took was one word written in chalk on a blackboard and I was sold. $3.25, plain, with vanilla sauce and REAL maple syrup, none of that Aunt Jemima nonsense that's pure corn syrup with added sugar and more added sugar.

Rode up the elevator taunting others with this delicious smell of baked golden goodness. Scurried into my office. Shut the door. Opened up the plastic container. Moved my coffee. Hit the container with my elbow and ...

No, the five second rule didn't work this time.

But at least I'm pretty.

The love affair that could have been. Without blueberries. And in a plastic container.

Surprise for the 8:25

From: alerts@enews-gotransit.com
Subject: GO Train Delay
Date: 08:12:36 AM Today

The Oshawa 08:25 - Union 09:18 train trip will originate at Whitby due to a signal issue. As a result, this train will not service the Oshawa GO Station. Oshawa passengers will be accommodated on the Oshawa 08:38 - Union 09:41 train trip. We apologize for the inconvenience.

And the number of entries from those who ride the 8:25 for GO's Love contest just went the way of the cricket chorus.

One person texted to me: Here's my double barrel salute to GO and their crappy service.

I was waiting for a picture but it never arrived. Remember, it's text messaging. I can't see you.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I'd give up the train. Just until the stalker/homewrecker wannabe retires

As published in the Shout Outs section of the January 25th edition of t.o.night newspaper.

See, this is why I tell people who ride the GO to give themselves "train names" just like I've given my buddies "train names" (and myself), so in the event someone catches a name, they get a name like "Uncle" and not "XXXXX" so that wannabe homewrecker/stalkers have little to work with and can't write a creepy, disgusting Shout Out such as the one published.

What's unnerving is how this d-bag has been tailing this woman according to his Shout Out.

What's tomorrow's Shout Out I wonder? I can only imagine what he's itching to scribe, perhaps something along the lines of:

To my LSE, dark-haired beauty who would be an excellent stepmother to my 3 kids who talks a lot. Today I watched you exit the train at Union. At 7:56am, you bought a bagel at the Bagel Stop. You wanted garlic and chive cream cheese but the guy gave you plain, but you ate anyway. At 8:16am, I watched you walk up Bay Street and enter the BMO office tower. You used the glass entrance at the northwest corner of Bay and King. You took the elevator, Car # 11, and went up to the 4th floor. At 11:15am, you went to the bathroom. You like to use the stall closest to the door. At 3:30pm, you walked to the water cooler at the southeast part of your office floor and chose the yellow mug. It must be fate because yellow is my favourite colour. At 4:10pm, you walked to Union and you stopped at Marche where you sat at the fourth table, next to the window that faces Yonge Street. You're so hot. I'll ditch my wife if you say you'll marry me.

Oh yes, because nothing says love like psycho.

I know I poked fun but my husband brought up a very serious point.

Due to how descriptive that Shout Out was and considering there are people out there who can misconstrue friendliness with desire, or even interpret a smile to be something more, it was bold of the editors at t.o.night to publish that Shout Out.

Don't get me wrong. I like drama as much as you do. I did, after all, scan and publish a found love letter (which 4% of you said I'll burn in hell for so I'll see you there, then) but at least I took the time to black out names and key identifiers.

The least they could have done was not print her name. If it was me, and it's a situation where this creep has manifested a GO train love affair in his head, I'd be freaked out.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dumb Donald. You're doing it wrong

I think you have my letter

"Anonymous" text message (ATM) received today at 3:01 pm to 9054420352

ATM: Hello. Do you run a blog about GO trains?

Yep.

ATM: I got this number from it. I think you have my letter

Letter?

ATM: There was a scan.

Wait ... OH THE LETTER ... Who was the letter to?

ATM: XXXX. Where can I meet you?

Oh lawdy! The suspense (jazz hands).

I haven't written back.

Why?

Because I don't believe for a second it's legit. I showed a few people that letter uncensored so the name isn't the proverbial carrot.

So stop messing around and get back to work!

By the way, I don't know if many Rogers mobile users know this but you can check and send text messages from a browser so you don't have to type/use your phone. I find it handy when I know I'll be chatting with someone for some time (such as the Georgetown Ghost guy). Check out this link http://websms.rogers.page.ca/2way/

Parking Asshole Hall of Famer

As Ace Ventura declares in the movie, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, "Obsess much?"

Absolutely.

Surely you've seen the movie? There's a character in the film called Ray Finkle who blames losing the Superbowl because the football was held laces in instead of laces out. A tour of Finkle's room shows a testament to his hatred of Dan Marino, the player who held the ball for Finkle's Superbowl kick and who Ray blames for losing the whole thing (insisting that Marino held the ball "laces in" instead of out, as per NFL regulations).

This is how I feel about GO lot parking, especially in the winter months. I've told you about that, right? I mean I know this is not the first time I'm mentioning it.

This morning the following happened. The gold minivan to the left of my SUV was already parked when I arrived, so I spaced myself accordingly.

I confronted the driver of the white car.

The conversation went as follows:

CJ: Excuse me, are you going to leave your car like that? You're parked in two spaces.

PAHF: What? You can't see the lines so it doesn't matter.

CJ: It doesn't work that way. You're limiting how many people can park. What about other people?

PAHF: I don't have time to talk right now, I have to catch the train.

She proceeds to trot away. With 13 minutes until the train leaves!

This woman didn't even TRY to park. She drove up, stopped and hopped out of her car not even caring about the proximity of her car to mine and how others after her would be able to park. If I, who showed up seconds before her, could take the time to park in a courteous manner, so could this cow. And don't give me the park and run sob story. I know that sometimes we all run late and park haphazardly, because there's only seconds on the clock, but this wasn't what was happening here. And she wasn't disabled seeing as she ran.

She's a lazy, selfish woman who made herself a hall of famer in my book of assholes.

So if you're one of my 8:25 readers who found it difficult and frustrating to park this morning, thank this donkey. I'm on your side.

GO wants to know what I love about riding GO Transit

Got this in my inbox this morning:

Loving the GO Contest
In celebration of Valentine’s Day, we want to hear your stories of love…loving the GO that is. In 150 words or less, tell us why you love riding GO Transit and you could win a romantic weekend away for two at the Sheraton on the Falls hotel in Niagara Falls.

Enter to win at https://secure.gotransit.com/en/contest/LovingtheGO2011.aspx

I'm so writing an entry.
You?

Anyone ever stayed at that hotel? I only like to win fantastic prizes.

Oh it's on ...

I'm bringing it hardcore, folks.

The great thing about running a blog is it gives you a means to vent, and if people care to read it - awesome! If people don't care, they can just move on - the internet being so big and all.

So I'm warning you now, there will be another post about asshole parking today. I'm done with the G-rated language because all of you who "park where you want to", with plenty of time to catch the train, are inconsiderate assholes. I'll relay the story with photos later today.

I know you're dying with anticipation but I have this thing called "work" that I have to do and I have to wait until my lunch hour to share this Hall of Fame Assholeness Moment with you.

If you don't care, I don't care that you don't care. Go hug a puppy until you feel better, m'kay?

Do I sound mad? Good.

Monday, January 24, 2011

How to park like a Jerk

LEGEND:
Red icon = MASTER OF THE JERKS (OVERLORD)
Black icons = COURTEOUS PEOPLE
Black icon with jerk = JERK MINIONS, WHO BOW TO THE OVERLORD

This epic undertaking of JERKINESS was shot at the Oshawa GO lot tonight by yours truly. And guess what? Nary a GO Transit Parking Enforcement Officer to be found!

Shocking.

Do I blame the Overlord for his jerkiness? Not really. But he has the minions to blame. If they would park like the rest of us, the Overlord would not have had to do this dastardly deed.

Mmmmmm, nothing like sausage on a train

Sent via email to cj@thiscrazytrain.com by Sylvia O.

This young man sat down across from me this afternoon, undressed himself, shoved all his belongings under his seat, re-arranged his knapsack, pulled out a drink and a container, re-arranged his backpack again, found a fork, opened the container ...

OH MY GOD. THE SMELL!!!

It smelled like the hallowed out heel of the boot part of a hockey skate. One that has been worn for years and sweated in for just as long.

I pretty much coughed and gagged and this kid asked me if I was all right as he put a big scoop of smelly sausage and rice into his mouth.

I got off at Danforth as I couldn't take it anymore and waited almost an hour for the next train. In the cold! That's how bad it stunk.

Sylvia asked me to use the largest font size I possibly could for her "projection".

It's the Roadrunner underwear that really makes the story. Man strips down after train station sells out of tickets

Source: Faded Tribune

CHINA - A man who waited in line for 14 hours over the weekend for a train ticket only to be told there were none left stripped off and ran into the station director’s office to complain.

Xiao Wang got his place in line at the train station in Jinhua, eastern China’s Zhejiang Province, to buy a ticket to go home to Shangqiu, central China’s Henan Province for the upcoming Chinese New Year. However, when he finally reached the ticket booth he was told tickets to his hometown were sold out.

Furious he stripped down to his underwear and began shouting at the ticket seller.

He then ran to the station director’s office in order to get “answers.”

“I was shocked in seeing him running inside naked asking for a train ticket,” said director Zheng Wenxian.

Zheng explained to Wang that each day there are only around 100 tickets for Shangqiu so he was unable to help.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Shout Out

To the older woman with black hat who hollered: "Can you talk a little louder so the rest of us can hear you?" to the other blonde who was having a full-volume conversation (both ends) this morning on her Blackberry about 'disability forms and going to her doctor and then calling her doctor and then fighting with her doctor over retroactive payments' on the 7:53 LSE this morning.

You rock. I love a woman with balls.

Sent via text message to 9054420352

The Huggy Greek

Below is a text exchange (9054420352) I had this morning with one of you. I've nicknamed the sender THG for The Huggy Greek. My replies are in green.

THG: it's national hugging down!

sorry?

THG: cj?

yes?

THG: it's hugging day!!!

hooray!

THG: i'm serious. i heard it on the radio in the car this morning. you should dare your readers to hug people on the train home today

ok

THG: you don't think that would be fun?

if some strange person hugged me out of nowhere while i'm standing on the platform waiting for the train or even on the train, it would be an elbow to the eyesocket and a kick to the bag (or basket if it's a woman)

THG: so not a good idea, then?

no

THG: you wouldn't hug a stranger?

i don't do well with awkward moments

THG: i don't believe that

it's true

THG: i'm greek, we'll hug anyone. we're friendly like that

oh, like the restaurant!

THG: haha yeah

well i'm eastern european and we'll take you out if you touch us for no reason

THG: oh yeah, i remember reading that

how my mom hoards kielbasa? it's my weapon of choice. hurts like a slap, bruises like a fist

THG: so i guess random hugging is out of the question for you

not unless you want a polish sausage across the eyes

So after some research on my crappy webphone, it turns out that today is indeed National Hugging Day and is a patented holiday in the United States. It's also the day where police agencies report an increase in the number of assault charges across Canada and the United States.

There's even a website.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

No good news for Kate

This answer was summoned by request.

"My sources say no"

Those who seriously need a bag beat down

I fully admit I am obsessed with people using common courtesy when they park only because space is limited at the GO lots and everyone fairly deserves a place to park. We're all doing our part to minimize how much driving we do, cutting down on emissions and reducing gridlock, so I expect others to be mindful of parking properly and as accurately as they can.

In fact, in my opinion, you owe it to me to not park like an a-hole. But people still do it. When it snows and all the lines are covered up, people clearly have trouble with parking. I don't understand why. If one driver parks at the end of a row and another driver parks beside that car, why the hell do you have to go to the middle of the row where you can't see the guidelines and "park how you want to", thereby upsetting the calculation of space required for parking? For the stupid, this means where 16 cars could fit between the two at the end and the a-hole in the middle, only eight people managed to park there because the remaining eight decided that two parking spots must be the norm in winter weather.

But it gets worse. Days after it snows and the half-ass plowing and salting has been done, and the guidelines become somewhat visible, people still continue to park like a-holes. Let me tell you something, the rules for parking are the same in winter as they are in spring, summer and fall. You do your best to fit your vehicle into a space, even checking to see where you are on the pavement. Park and run just doesn't cut it. It's the only explanation for why the donkeys below parked like this because I can see the lines.

Let me make it even simpler. If you can open your driver-side/passenger-side door the whole way and stand between the fully extended door and the vehicle next to you, you've parked like an a-hole.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Musical chairs

Sent via text message to 9054420352 from Kyle H.

cj... what would you do if you got up to offer a lady a seat and she politely said no only to have some guy standing beside her nod at you and then sit down in the very spot your butt had been. this happened to me during this morning's rush hour.

In my mind, I'd be giving the guy a bag beat down but since I don't like jail, I'd probably just stand there and fume. I'm sure others have different suggestions they would like to share. The situation is somewhat awkward. Clearly standing wasn't an issue for you so this guy ran with it. Or maybe he doesn't like it that only ladies get offered seats and he was fixin' to teach you a lesson.

Plunder slumber

In an email to cj@thiscrazytrain.com Alton O. writes:

On my ride home last night, I went to the top part of the train and sat down with my computer bag and a spanking new bottle of coke I bought from the newsstand in union. I was pretty tired and I fell asleep almost immediately after the train left the station.
When I woke up just after Pickering, I reached down to get my coke and my hand felt nothing but the seat. My coke was gone. I looked around and under the seat and could not find it. As we get close to Ajax, and it's my stop, I get up to go downstairs and in that middle seat area is a guy drinking a bottle of coke that looks just like the one I had. Of course I can't prove he stole it from me but I can remember being behind him when we climbed the stairs of the train together when we first got on at Union and now he's moved. So I'm thinking, why did he move? Because he stole my coke!
I'm tired and cranky so I figure I'll call him out on it so I excuse myself and ask him if he found that coke bottle up on one of the seats and he just looks at me. Then out of nowhere, he starts mouthing off at me calling me a sh8t faced liar and an a55hole. Then he throws the almost empty bottle at me while I clamour down the three steps to bolt off the train. When I got onto the platform, he was slapping the window at me and giving me the double finger salute.
I call guilty and he owes me $2.25!

Useless sticker

Yep, this will stop them dirty GO train laptop thieves.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Woman pleasures herself in train – other passengers not amused

Source: The Local.de

GERMANY -- The police on Friday said they had arrested a woman having a good time with herself and a vibrator on a train in Bavaria. Despite rubbing her fellow passengers the wrong way, she claimed she didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

I just know you want to read the rest of this article, here you go!

Thanks to Tom W. for the link.

Horny Potter

From: Kate Wxxxxxx
Date: Mon, Jan 17, 2011 at 8:05 PM
Subject: coffee mug lost. very important to read this
To: cj@thiscrazytrain.com

I am hoping you can help me. I having a MAJOR problem finding a lost coffee mug on one of your trains. I can't find how I go about recovering this coffee mug. I was bringing it home because a friend made it for me as a gift. I like unicorns and wizards and it's very unique where the unicorn horn sticks out a little bit. She did this so that if I were to use the coffee mug for tea, you can hang the bag on the horn when you pull it out of the water. I thought it was really smart of her to think that. I took it home with me Monday at around 5:20. I guess you need to know what train I took. I was going to Ajax. I had wrapped the coffee mug in several pieces of the Financial Post newspaper and I fear someone has recycled my coffee mug. I don't know why someone would do it because the second anyone would pick it up it would feel strange and heavy and I know if it was me, I would look. I really hope it's not broken in your garbage somewhere. I had come downtown to meet with my friend who made this for me and I don't see her very often because she's been not well for many years and I'm just heartbroken. I was wondering if someone had stole it but I don't see how someone could steal a coffee mug when it was disguised in newspaper. I am pretty sure I left it on my seat. I know I got up to put my hat and scarf on. I am sure you get this all the time. Do you need me to give you the colours and size of the coffee mug? I can ask my friend if she took a photo of it when she had finished painting it as I know she does take pictures of her potter. Is there someone I can call who was on that train? Is the train driver the person I should be speaking to? I'm just wondering if someone found it what would they do with it. I was thinking of looking at those online classifieds because I am worried someone would try to sell it and I remember reading that if things are stolen from your home you should check the internet. Please let me know what I can do at this point. Thank you for listening.

Kate Wxxxxxx

She totally had me when she wrote "hang the bag on the horn".

I did reply to Kate and told her she had the wrong person but that I could point her in the right direction. This was met with another long-winded email that I will spare you all from reading. However, Kate did reveal in her reply that she is in her early 80s which should make you all feel like asses now for laughing at her email -> cue price is wrong sound effect

I'm kidding. I laughed my ass off, too.

Why the brotherhood rides for free

This picture definitely gave me chills, and I thought you might want to post it. It was taken @ 11:10 am this morning on University Ave in front of Mt Sinai Hospital. For most of us, this photo is a sign of solidarity the likes of which we rarely see in Canada, and it makes my heart and eyes swell when I think of why all these brothers and sisters are gathering today. For an ungrateful, and completely heartless loser like Mr. PTB, this will be sure to make him nuts thinking of all the freeloaders that rode GO for free. Read PTB's comment here

Submitted by LM via pic message to 9054420352

PS. Check out the Toronto Star's incredible slide show of the procession.

Much respect

"GO Transit is waiving fares for Greater Toronto and Hamilton area police, fire and emergency services personnel travelling to and from Union Station for the service. Emergency workers are asked to identify themselves by wearing their uniform or carrying identification while travelling."

From Police gather to honour Sgt. Ryan Russell, story, today's Toronto Star.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Sasquatch sighting

Please note, she is *in* the train. With heat.

Sent via email to cj@thiscrazytrain.com by Anonymous

Hog on a GO bus

Anonymous writes via pic message to 9054420352:

This is a busy route but this turnip has to have her own sleepy seats.

You know what solves this problem? Sleeping at home. Oh, and going to bed earlier. And car-pooling.

I ain't got time to bleed

The following text message came in tonight (9054420352). I've nicknamed the sender IT (for "idle threat"). My responses are in green.

IT: i think you have a photo of me on my website

what? how can i have a photo of you on your website?

IT: no, your website

which site

IT: the crazy site

IT: u need to take it down

take what down? the site? no way, man

IT: the photo

the photo you have on your site?

IT: NO, you dumb f*ck, the photo u have of me on YOUR website

do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

IT: TAKE IT DOWN

dude, how can i take down a photo of you when i don't know who you are

can you refresh my memory?

hello?

hey, listen, you're taking me away from this 500-piece puzzle i'm working on. according to the box, i should be done in an hour and i really don't feel like setting the egg timer again. i've already set it three times and I haven't been under an hour yet

IT: it's a photo of me sleeping. i'm trying to find it

you know, if this was important to me, i'd bookmark it, then i'd send it to the rcmp so they can trace the IP and then call in sandra bullock and isolate the server and then using GPS mapping, they can track the host and then get a warrant to subpoena the address. then the military can move in and take all the computer equipment away. that's what i'd do

then jesse ventura could show up and while he's threatening google to shut down the website, he cuts his finger on a piece of paper and when his assistant asks if he wants to visit a walk-in clinic, he says "i ain't got time to bleed" and murdoch and he get into the a-team van to hunt down the person who posted the photo

IT: are you for real

IT: you're an asshole

you sure know how to make friends

IT: i don't want to be your friend

ditto

IT: when i find the photo i'm going to email you and give you an hour to take it down

nuh-uh, i need to finish this puzzle first and you've already set me back 20 minutes

IT: i don't care. you will do what i say

sure

IT: good

fine

IT: ok, i will be checking in an hour

i'll be here

IT: it better be down

oh, it'll be funky. fresh even

IT: what?

i'll be waiting for that email

IT: you better

wow, you really need to work on your goodbye

IT: shut up

i can only imagine how you end a letter

For those of you who got lost on the Jesse Ventura reference, just watch this clip from the movie Predator:

Delayed for? What?

How in the hell does track congestion at Union happen?

Isn't there a schedule? Or is it pull in when we want to?

By the way, you a-holes that park at the Oshawa GO lot and take up three spaces because you think just because there's snow on the ground means you can park how you want to are one "key" away from a trip to the body shop.

You know who you are.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

You ain't going nowhere today

Best snowman, ever!

I think the Stay Puft Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters should be the GO Transit mascot during the winter months. He has the perfect delayed-trains-make-me-angry face.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Everybody's workin' for the weekend

Looks like she's off to find "some new romance" with those hooker tights.

Submitted by Tim L via picture message to 9054420352. Taken at Oshawa GO station.

Girl, it's cold. Try leggings that have a crotch in them. - CJ

Thursday, January 13, 2011

How to look like a Teletubbie

I'm sure it's happened to you. I know it's happened to me. We've all encountered at least one train ride with NO HEAT. Ever noticed how no one moves to another car? It shows how lazy we really are, which leads me to this - The Forever Lazy!

And for you turnips that complain "Sob! I can't watch YouTube from work!" Here's a link to the product I'm flapping my gums about.

Straining hardcore

I saw you lady, trying in vain to listen in on my conversation this morning with my train buddy, Blondie C.

If I could have resorted to sign language, I would have. It came down to practically reading Blondie's lips.

When I'm with Jill, we just text message each other, especially if the person we have a beef with is right in front of us.

Also, just a general observation from LSE rider Char L'Hottie, if you're going to chat on your cell phone, there's no reason you have to hold your arm up and out so your elbow is at 90 degrees. You're not a human antenna. It may work for the TV at the cottage but it's not necessary on the train. People sitting near you don't need your elbow in their mouths.

Refer to the illustration below for further instruction.

A1 on the 80s glasses. She blinded me with science!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Annie Lennox

She rides the 4:53 LSE. Okay, it's a woman, who in my opinion, looks just like Annie Lennox circa 1986 ... when she had a crew cut and did the whole David Bowie androgynous thing.

I mean this Annie Lennox. Fast forward to the 2:24 mark.

This video was also ahead of its time. Did you notice the video messaging mobile phone?

Someone owes Annie some serious royalties.

Don't mess with my SEO, part 2

1. Open a new tab or new browser window
2. Go to google.com
3. Type in Crazy Train

What's number THREE on the list?

And some of you thought it couldn't be done.

Watch out, Ozzy. Choo choo.

Dedicated to Pat O.

Pissed someone off on the train lately?

Do you see this person regularly?

Or do you just have a really high forehead? Well guess what? Change how you look in seconds. Now you can ride the train undetected! And thanks to Justin Bieber, men can do it too!

After the long, cold, arctic wind chill walk to my car after the 2 hour trip to get home

I could have used one of these.

Best earrings. Ever

Chuck rides the LSE. I have proof!

The hell?

Was that?

Tonight?

Come on down ladies and gents, we're gonna play a game called NAME THAT TRAIN!

Here's how it works, folks. You schlep your way into Union Station and guess which platform the EXPRESS train is on. Those departure boards, they're not part of the game. Nope, it's all up to you. Pick right and you're home in (cough) record (cough) time. Pick wrong and you're on the milk run the whole way home (cue price is wrong sound effect).

You'll get no help on this. No communication. In fact, our goal is to confuse you. That 15:45 all stops to Oshawa? It's a whole new train trip ... or is it?

Ready? Go!

What? Equipment malfunction? Why that's just part of the game! You have to tell us what you think that malfunction is!

Gary, tell them what they can win ... !

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Skater Mom does not have it going on

Put your hand up if you've ever had the pleasure of sitting next to Skater Mom on the 5:10 to Oshawa.

Skater Mom (SM) always make a point of calling her daughter, who I peg at about 11 years of age, at skating practice.

The phone calls usually go like this:

SM: Were you on time for practice?

SM: What does the coach have to say about your jumps?

SM: How many did you do?

SM: I know you're tired but how do you expect to get to the Olympics if you don't do your jumps?

SM: Do you have enough water?

SM: What do you mean? I put 400 bottles in your skate bag this morning? (Sigh) We discussed this. You need to be more responsible. What are you going to do in the Olympic Village one day and it's only you who can take care of you?

SM: Did you eat?

SM: What did you eat?

SM: No, that's not what we agreed to. I told you, protein at every meal. That's not protein, that's sugar.

SM: I don't care if you're just a kid. You can't be eating that junk. It's not good for your body. Remember what you've learned, you have to treat your body as a temple.

SM: Who's that yelling behind you? Well, move away from them. I'm really concerned that you don't have any water. Is there a water fountain in that arena? Can you ask someone? No! Don't drink juice. It's not a replenishment for fluids! (Sigh)

I think you get the picture.

Monday, January 10, 2011

"I've got this feeling ..." you need to turn your volume down

I got to sit next to someone tonight who had the entire Dirty Dancing soundtrack loaded into his, yes I said *his*, iPod. I handled "She's like the wind" and got through "Be my baby" but all of a sudden, "Hungry eyes" by Eric Carmen wound up on repeat, FIVE TIMES. I swear, this dude listened to it five times in a row!

All bloody night while cooking waffles for dinner, cleaning up the kitchen and giving my kid a bath, all that kept playing in my head was this god-awful song. So I you-tubed the video.

Hilarious! Everything that is fromage about 80s music videos is encapsulated in this hot mess. My favorite part (2:48) is when the piece of dinner he's fixin' to eat starts playing the saxophone.

Be sure to watch to the end when his meal ticket makes out with a tiny, pimp daddy in Aviator shades only to transform into, what? An Asian woman?

What does this all mean!?

A+

PS. Eric Carmen is 61 years old. He's two years younger than my mom! Be sure to check out his video for "Make me lose control". Check out the hair.

A++

Broken glasses need not have happened, writes Pat O.

Sent via text message to 9054420352

hey CJ, hopefully someone reading recognizes himself. today i got on the 4:53 and all that was available on the car I got on was a window seat. i politely asked to be excused into that seat. instead of getting up, the two clowns on the outside seats just sat there so i had to climb over them and wound up wacking the first clown in the face with my bag. we're talking glasses flying onto the floor and to my horror I STEPPED ON THEM and broke the arm. he scoops them up and starts losing his shit at me and then before i can even suggest paying for a repair or offering contact info he flies off the train just as the doors are closing. i was so embarrassed and distraught, i burst into tears. thank u to sarah and tania for helping me feel better. so for those who sit on the outside seats, please just get up and let me in. thanks. and clown #2, you're a jerk.

Projectile stupidity

Melanie K. writes in an email to cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Saturday night. Sat in the upper section of the quad on the train so I could head back to Georgetown and was joined by a group of teens who looked way too young to be drinking, let alone drinking at a bar somewhere in downtown Toronto. The whole train ride was fraught with one of the young lads declaring over and over, "Man, I'm gonna be sick", or "Bro, I'm gonna be sick", or "Dude, I'm gonna be sick". Often this rhetoric was met with loud peals of laughter from his buddies.

We all got off at Oakville. The kid who said he was going to be sick stood up and right when the train came to a stop, he projectile-vomited all over the stairs leading down to the bottom section of the train.

I lost my temper, yelling at them and asking why they didn't encourage him to use the bathroom instead of laughing like lunatics? I also told them they were responsible for cleaning up the mess and I was off to report them all to the station CSAs as public drunkenness, especially at that age, is neither acceptable nor legal. Then I got off the train.

I have to ask, who raises these kids? Full-on inebriation at 16 on a public train, not cool!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Did you ride the TTC today with no pants? Guess what? Neither did I!

Photo from Facebook

Friday, January 7, 2011

Saw this on YouTube, thought of you

Why thanks Matthew! Matthew sent over this video. Drunk dude chats up teen girls sooo, like, not interested.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Hey, why don't you make yourself at home? Don't mind us. We don't want a seat

Snapped by yours truly on the 5:10.

Because the Internet has the answers for everything ... How to Avoid Conversation on Public Transportation

Photo: On The Bus by user plasticbystander from flickr.

Earlier today I posted an article from wikihow.com about How to Enjoy a Train Ride. Wikihow.com is now my new most favorite website in the world. How I managed to learn anything without it is nothing short of a miracle!

One of the steps encouraged in the Train Ride article was that people strike up conversations with those around them. But what if you're one of those people who doesn't want to talk anyone? No problem! Wikihow.com has the answer!

Apparently any of these tactics will work:

1. Bring your MP3 player and place ear phones on head before boarding the bus or train. (Discman or Walkman will suffice as well.)If you don't have a music player, earphones with the end of the cable tucked into your pocket should work just as well.

Walkman? What year is this?!

2. Sit down and immediately put your head down and close your eyes as if you wish you were cozy in bed. Most other passengers get the picture.

3. Bring reading material. Some ideas include: newspapers, magazines, novels, notes from school.

Phew. I'm glad they gave examples of reading material. I would have just brought a cereal box on board.

4. Start texting people, or if you don't really want to text anyone, just get your cell phone out and pretend you are busily texting.

A+

5. Head for an area of the bus/train that has the fewest seats filled. Fewer people means less chance of someone trying to make conversation! That's just common sense.

For some people, because of the corridor they're on, this may mean you're riding on top of the train. Outside.

6. Say "I'm not allowed to talk to strangers" if you are under 15. It just might work.

Frig. This is hilarious at any age. I'm so using this one.

7. Bring something to keep yourself engrossed such as a handheld games console.

I'm gonna haul ass with an arcade game next week. I mean the ones from the 80s. Yeah, those ones. I'm thinking Q-Bert.

8. If someone does try to talk to you, seem uninterested or tell them your throat is sore and you don't want to irritate it by talking.

Total win.

9. If they start asking out questions be brief answering them and turn your head towards them without making eye contact. When they aren't talking and you're not answering, don't look at them, just look at you feet our your lap.

Or you can borrow from a page outta the How to Enjoy a Train Ride and start playing hand games with yourself.

10. Pretend that you do not speak a word of english. Example: If someone is asking you which bus to take to a destination, have a confused look on your face, meaning 'sorry, I don't speak english.' The passenger may get the point that you are from a foreign country and that you don't speak english well and you're visiting the country to visit family or friends.

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. A confused looks means I may be mentally retarded. Awesomeness! How about you just pretend to be deaf!

How to enjoy a train ride. You're doing it wrong

Lionel sent me a link to a Wikihow.com article entitled “How To Ride a Public Transportation Bus”. It contains 14 (FOURTEEN!) steps on how to ride a bus. FOURTEEN!

Also included in the article are four tips and three warnings. Yep, it’s a mighty stressful and dangerous world out there for the average bus rider.

While on Wikihow, I keyed in how to to ride a train into the search field and back came this gem, How to Enjoy a Train Ride.

The article is filled with several gems, particularly:

1. Bring a book or a magazine. Don't read if you get motion sick easily, though, because reading just might make you blow.

Blow what? Chunks? Balloons? Your neighbour?

2. Play hand games. Cards are always great to play, and so are guessing games. Try playing Chopsticks or rock, paper, scissors.

Really? Rock, paper, scissors? That’s one way to look mentally unstable, especially if no one sitting in your quad on the GO train wants to play with you so you resort to playing hand games with yourself.

It’s get better once you read down to the tips.

Don't sleep when you're going to arrive at your destination in less than an hour.

However, the writer of this nutty piece of how-to advice doesn’t explain why sleeping is out of the question. Since most of the GO express trips are under an hour, this means 80% of the people I ride with in the morning have no idea “how to enjoy a train ride”. This means you, Jill. You’re just ruining the whole experience for yourself, aren’t you?

Hilarity ensued once I got down to the Warnings. The last one reads, “If you get bored with trains easily, don't take them”.

That’s right my sweet fellow rutabagas, if riding the Crazy Train makes you miserable, you’re welcome to walk. Or drive. Speaking of driving, Wikihow also provides a (cough) great (cough) how-to piece on How to Drive a Car. So the next time someone cuts you off, instead of hollering about where that person got his licence, now you can holler, “Where’d you learn to drive a-hole? The Internet?" Scary.

But the best, swear to God, was this line: Things can get lost easily. Know that once it's gone, it just might be distributed among the train staff (so be sure not to leave anything important, like your kid).

What?!

So when a train's out of service, parents can expect their children to be abducted?

Hey Joe?

Yeah?

I found this kid under the seat. You want him?
Like this? Make sure you read the continuation of this post.

Gold digger

You get on at Ajax.
You wear a grey hat made of wool.
Perhaps if Kleenex had no tax,
you wouldn't pick your nose like a fool.

The end.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

On the way to Union ...

Like the thousands of you turnips, I also walk to and from Union Station to work and this evening what I snapped below caught my eye.

This was taken at the side of the parking garage for the Bay/Adelaide Centre on Richmond, just east of Bay.

Hydro conservation? What hydro conservation? Do you think the owners of the building enroll in PeakSaver?

Hey, let's light up an empty billboard! Great idea, Jim. Here's your $3.2 million bonus!

Sleep-induced imaginary eating. I has it.

This graphic would be more effective if her eyes were closed but it's copyrighted and I can't edit it because Corbis would sue me for billions of dollars.

I'm paranoid about falling asleep on the train.

Part of it stems from NO ONE WAKING ME UP one evening nearly three years ago and I rode all the way back to Union Station FROM OSHAWA to find myself sitting in an empty car in the yard outside Union Station IN TORONTO. Worst night of my life and I don't want to experience that again.

I honestly don't understand why my brain does this but when I do drift off, I always seem to dream about eating something.

One time I startled myself awake after I pantomimed putting a forkful of imaginary veal parmigiana in my mouth. I also caught myself one time actually chewing a non-existent hamburger in my slumber. Maybe it's because I don't eat breakfast until I get to work and I take the train home at a time in the evening where my brain expects dinner.

I caught myself nodding off yesterday morning and I know I was putting an imaginary waffle in my mouth and was just about to start chewing when I forced myself awake.

I can only imagine what this looks like to people sitting near me - this crazy lady eating imaginary food in her sleep, actually shoving an imaginary fork in her mouth and chewing. Good times, I'm sure.

I quickly did some research and apparently "imaginary eating", according to National Geographic Magazine, is a good thing and can help one to lose weight. However, I couldn't find anything about sleep-induced imaginary eating. This must mean I am crazy.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

How she managed to stay conscious is anyone's guess

Tonight Jill and I rode the 5:20.

This girl in the quad across from us talked non-stop the ENTIRE train ride about shoes that make her butt sore.

The woman across from me never turned a page in her book the entire time leading me to believe her brain had shut down from the mind-numbing chatter or she's like me, when distracted by motor-mouths, can no longer concentrate and read the same page over and over, never really absorbing any of the text.

Girl never stopped. We don't think she even had lungs.

A "Hello" Would Be Nice

Last night I swung by the Oshawa station to pick up a January pass. This was around 8pm.

Dude behind the ticket wicket was mad-texting. I'm ok with that. Somewhat. It's no different than if he'd been making a personal phone call which 90% of the working world does. What I didn't like was that I had to acknowledge myself. With a cough. He immediately stopped texting and simply waited for me to speak.

Really? You can't acknowledge me!?

I didn't even get a "Hello" or a "Hi".

Was this GO employee a mute? Don't know. All I know is Customer Service as a whole has gone down the toilet. The least people in the service industry can do is smile.

Maybe it's just me but I like service with a smile. And a "Hello".

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Yeah, it's been pretty dead 'round here

Cue crickets.

This video is only made funnier by the fact that the person who recorded the sound used a picture of a Grasshopper. LOL!

PS. Regular services resumes January 4th. Thanks for the emails. Some just weren't publishable!!! Keep it clean, gawd!

Pole dancing on the TTC subway

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New year, you dirty turnips

Well?

What did you do? Anything?

I made myself a nice Crown and Dry and watched the fireworks stream from the backyards of a subdivision across from my house.

Good times.