Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Your umbrella

Your umbrella is not an aspergill and we are not at Church, please do not feel you need to cleanse me of my sins.
Your umbrella is not a sword.
Your umbrella is not a walking stick.
Your umbrella is not a dead animal and you are not a lion, please do not drag it behind you like prey.
Your umbrella is not a pointer and we are not at School, please do not punctuate your sentences by pointing it at me.
Your umbrella is not a guitar.
Your umbrella is not a light saber.
Your umbrella is not a scepter and you are not Zeus, your umbrella need not be lain across your lap.
Your umbrella is not a cattle prod.
Your umbrella is not a yard stick.
Your umbrella is not an antenna and you are not a radio or a television requiring better reception.

Your umbrella belongs on the floor, in your bag or propped up against a window.

Your umbrella is wet. It does not get a seat nor does it need one.


Anonymous said...

I take it someone with an umbrella pissed you off?

C.J. Smith said...

Two words.

Bicky said...

I almost got prodded with an umbrella once. Nearly deflated the girls. Not impressed.

Anonymous said...

They should screw a couple of small loops about 1" - 2" into the end of each row of seats between the two backrests (you know, the part of the seat that is at the aisle) so that you could slip your umbrella into it during your ride. I don't think it would get in people's way as they walk down the aisle (if people can navigate around the massive duffel-bag type knapsacks that oblivious self-centred douchepicks leave halfway into the aisle, these things wouldn't be in the way). That way, you can store your umbrella for the ride, it'll dry off a bit as you ride, you won't be tempted to place it where you shouldn't in the quad & you won't be pushing anyone else's stuff around as you try to stow it beneath your seat.

Damnit, now you all have my multi-million dollar idea and will reap fortunes from it while I'm left to curse the thievery, greed and lack of morals of my fellow commuters!!!!

Anonymous said...

Aspergill?!?!?! All of those years as an altar boy and doing my best to stay awake as a teen and I never knew what it was called. I thought the technical term was water-dippy-shaky thingee.

Valentino Assenza said...

I'm not really sure CJ if the original intent of this was to write it as a poem, but I very much enjoyed it.

a) because it was colourful, true, and myself and so many others could relate.

b) It educated me. All these years being raised Roman Catholic and the thing that sprays water at you to bless you is called an "aspergill."

Go figure.

I don't carry an umbrella for many of these reasons and more. It rains I get wet for a bit whatever, it's just water. I sometimes am amazed at just how frightened of weather Torontonians and Greater Torontonians are.

Enjoyed very much, thanks for that.

C.J. Smith said...

Imma school you all in the ways of Catholic religion!!!

Anonymous said...

I've never understood umbrellas. It rains, you get wet. Get over it (umbrella people are weird...)

Squiggles said...

I only use the umbrella when at the bus stop because I do not have a shelter and the rain will eventually soak through my coat (and/or outer covering). Once on the GO, it goes into the outside pocket of my backpack.

And Valentino, I agree. I see people freak and have to get something to cover their head when it is only trying to rain. In fact, I had stopped in the path to Union because the person in front of me was getting out the umbrella. This person chided me for pushing her, not realizing that I was pushed into her by the hoards of people coming up the stairs behind us.

Now, if we were talking about cockroaches and not water, that is a different story.