Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Train Buddy Dilemma

Dear CJ

I recently started reading your website and actually worked my way back from the first post to your most recent posts and I noticed along the way that you've made "train friends" where it appears Charlotte is the first person you hooked up with.
Like you, I also have train friends and only one of the three people I sit with is someone I socialize with on an "off the train" level as we get along well, but the other two women I sit with don't like her. I feel sometimes they sit with us because they enjoy my company and don't want to be rude. I also feel they wouldn't move just to be petty and I'll get to that in a bit.
I think I need to give these women names so that I can identify who is who.
The woman I socialize with is Kate. The other women are Anne and Debbie. These aren't real names and the situation I'm about to describe is not the real situation but is parallel to it.
We've all been train buddies for two years.
In September Kate got engaged. Last week she handed me, on the train, in front of Anne and Debbie, an invitation to her wedding in May and asked all 3 of us to email her our mailing addresses so her maid of honour has a complete shower list.
She then went on to tell Anne and Debbie she'd invite them to the wedding but the guest list is at the max and that she really wanted me there because we're more than train friends. This was news to me. I like her but we hook up for lunch occasionally and nothing really more. I don't even have her home phone number, just work and cell.
What I don't understand is why she invited me in the first place. I don't want to go to her shower or wedding only because I am a single mom and money is always tight. She knows this and so has put me in a position to decline both.
Second, I thought it was insensitive of her to explain to Debbie and Anne why they weren't invited to her wedding and I don't feel she should include them in the shower. She's made this very personal, don't you agree?
Although I like Kate very much and we get together for lunch, for me, train friendships are like work friendships. These are casual acquaintances with boundaries.
You seem to have quite the following and I'm interested in what other women think of my situation.
Recently, Kate also disclosed that she doesn't like sitting with Anne and Debbie as she only wants to talk to me and has asked me to consider riding in a different car. She says she feels like Debbie and Anne are always judging her, where those two have disclosed to me they feel that Kate doesn't care about their lives and talks over them on purpose.
I like everyone equally and don't want to choose. I also think it's mean to just stop talking to people because of another person's shortcomings.
As you can read, this is a situation concerning several situations. It was much easier to be train friends when it wasn't so personal and I somewhat feel Kate should have kept her wedding/shower plans "off the train".

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network from Mrs. Y.


Anonymous said...

Does this woman think that only women would have an opinion?
This reminds of a time where these guys I door-block with from time to time went out for wings one night leaving me to stand alone on the 5:10. This pissed me off so much that not only did I switch cars but moved to Richmond Hill to ride a different line.
Heartless bastards.

Anonymous said...

Are you well?!?!?!

kary said...

This is why I ignore everybody on the train. Train buddies are nothing but trouble.

Mrs. Y said...

I am quite well, thank you.

Kary, I don't mind having struck up conversations with people and I enjoy having conversations on the train but I feel Kate has crossed the line and don't know where to go from this point.

C.J. Smith said...

I know you didn't ask for my opinion but I'll weigh in anyway.

Friendships only become personal when you let them become personal. I think we all are responsible for setting our own boundaries and shouldn't rely on other people to set them for us.

I can't fault Kate for how she wants to run her wedding or who she invites to her shower. She can do whatever she wants. However, I don't know if it's reasonable to have expected her to consider your financial situation. Just say you have a prior engagement and don't go to the wedding but why do you expect that you have to give money? I invited people to my wedding because I wanted to celebrate, not fill up my bank account.

As for the shower, don't go. If you can't make a gift or in exchange for a gift, you offer to help decorate, simply decline.

It seems to me that Kate is more into you than you are to her and perhaps you need to be honest with how you feel.

As for the other two women, if Kate wants to sit somewhere else, encourage her to do so and if you don't want to move, just tell her that.

As for how she invited you to her wedding, I can't understand why she just didn't give you your invitation in private so she wouldn't have to explain anything to the two women.

I hope you keep us posted on your situation of many situations.

Anonymous said...

My comment (are you well?!?!?) was directed to the looney bin who made the first comment about moving because people didn't invite them out for wings. Good grief, grow a sack and suck it up!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm very well, thank you.
I see sarcasm is lost on you.
It was a joke.

Anonymous said...

If it was me, I would move cars. You are being sucked dry by emotional vampires-all 3 women are bitching to you about each other. Get the hell away from these leeches.