Spot the foot rider

Submitted by Justin

This was a packed train. The 5:20 from Friday going east. I don't blame the people standing not asking her to move her feet so they could sit. I passed by her when I first boarded, her feet were filthy. I don't know why people do this. It's rude. Would you do this in the livingroom of a house you're visiting? Would you just stick your dirty birkenstocks and feet on someone's couch? I wanted to slap her feet off the seat.

Pandelerium

Due to a protest by pink people demanding access to pay toilets at the corner of Queen & Yonge in advance of the summit, my office tower was evacuated at 4pm. I'm on the 4:25 listening to a gaggle of summer law interns discussing what they would do should they 'get shot' this week during a protest. I guess the fact they were let off early in advance of a protest was lost on them. Never mind the army of police on hand ...

Foot rot

The lady beside me keeps slipping her bare feet in and out of her loafers. Each time she does she assaults me with a smell - stale sweat? - that can only be described as how a car would smell if it sat all day in the sun with an open bag of corn chips baking on the dash.
The lady across from her has been busily fashioning a mask out of a Metro newspaper.

Bathroom killer

I spent the last 10 minutes of my ride tonight listening to a conversation between two guys explaining how they hide out in the washroom at their respective work places to kill time, sometimes for more than an hour. One reads and the other plays games on his Blackberry.

So I thought, I guess that's one way to kill an hour but then eventually your co-workers will notice and that's why when your birthday rolls around, you shouldn't be surprised when you open your gift and it's a book called "Keeping Control: Understanding and Overcoming Fecal Incontinence".

I wonder how a book signing goes on a topic like this? If I were the author, I'd have a keg of Purell on hand.

Announcements

For those of you with rice paper bladders, washrooms will be unlocked on the accessibility coaches of all trains or so says the customer service ambassador riding my 5:20 train tonight.
Since most of my readers are people who work for GO, I have to give props to the ambassadors and how they're becoming more and more creative with the 7-minute long G-20 announcements.

But I'd still like to see some jazz hands!

Banana Bread, yes please!

Submitted by Carry L.

On the Milton train Friday morning, I had told my husband in my cell call to him while waiting for the train to board I hadn't slept well and also skipped breaksfast and left my bank card in my other purse. All I had on me was a library card and a 10-ride ticket. When I was finished the woman opposite of me pulled out a slice of banana bread she had bought earlier for herself and offered it to me saying she would get something later at work. She was concerned about me going hungry all day. I accepted and I regret not asking her name as I don't use the train often as I'm part of a carpool but the driver is on holidays.

So to the lady in the yellow blouse, thank you!

At the bottom of the ocean

I just spent the whole ride, on an express train that became ALL STOPS, next to a guy who told what seemed like hundreds of bad lawyer jokes to the poor suffering couple sitting across from him.
I suppose this was better than listening to the 'guess who's gay on this train?' game the two girls standing near me were playing.

What? No potty?

THIS POST HAS BEEN UPDATED
Despite what you've heard in an announcement on your train, check the GO Transit website for washroom information. Readers have written in stating different instructions are being given out. - CJ

Did you know that next week, starting Monday, because of some event which is costing a gazillion dollars involving jokers from around the world who will be attending a baseball game at the Rogers Centre has GO Transit locking the bathrooms on all of their trains as a security measure? (This information may be false, see note above and comments below.)

Will they be locking up the saws, sledgehammers, shovels, pick axes and hammers conveniently stored throughout the coaches fully accessible by anyone? So some wannabe terrorist cum protester can't hide a stick of C4 in the loo but they're welcome to help themselves to a pick axe?

Not only do we have to bring "snacks and water" next week, but we also have to invest in adult diapers. Is anyone NOT thinking this through? How can anyone expect thousands of people to be stranded on trains with no access to washroom facilities?

At least I know how I'll gain access to the bathroom if I need it. I'll just use the sledgehammer.

Le Bag Rider

This woman (riding in the window seat) rode all the way to Ajax with her crap on the seat opposite her while the woman beside her held her purse in her lap.

As people boarded and a man asked to sit, she sighed audibly as she shuffled her stuff under her seat.

Hey, here's an idea?! How about you do that before you sit down? Like right when you first get on the train. You should try that, this way others don't inconvenience you.

Gum blow

The girl across from me in the other aisle seat just sneezed and blew her gum out of her mouth. It hit the 'Last Call For Alcohol' ad.

Gerbil doc

It appears the gerbils who run things (literally) at Google have died because my poll at the bottom of my blog has ceased operation.

I'll give it a couple of days for their IT people to restock from the local pet store before I delete it. I was really looking forward to the final tally.

People who park like a$$holes

You can't even see the yellow guide line on the asphalt, that's how asshole-ish this parking job by the owner of the red car was.

I'm not built like Barbie so I had to climb into the driver's seat from the passenger side of my Ford Flex. In the pouring, f*cking, wind-driving rain after a soaking, soddy walk to the end of the GO lot. And people wonder why their cars get keyed.

Woman, you crazy. And stupid

Outside Ajax, this woman pulls out her cell and begins a conversation about her citizenship application. On a packed Go train and within earshot of strangers, she provides her SIN, name, DOB, mother's maiden name and address and then proceeds to entertain us all with why she needs to provide proof of citizenship... for a shopping trip to the Coach store in Buffallo.

Identity Theft. You has it.

36

I bet you're wondering why there isn't a lick of a train story today or why there won't be.
It's just easy if I post my last few Facebook status updates. Enjoy.

Cindy Smith
is giving 36 the finger

Cindy Smith
36. Yep.

Winnie Forsberger

Congratulations on being on the other side of 40? Enjoy your day! Spend it with (your daughter).

Cindy Smith

Coincidentally, that may be the plan as she's up with me complaining of a sore tummy. I had plans to be at the spa but my baby comes first.

Cindy Smith

Don't you sleep? Oh wait ... ... aw crap. XXX just upchucked all over the office rug.

Cindy Smith
it's hard to clean up puke when you're drunk and it's not even yours, see comments in last status update.

Cindy Smith
Would people find it odd if I drag my 5 year old with me to Shoppers Drug Mart at 2am for Ginger Ale? Oh sh*t ... wait. Okay, if I call a cab and take her with me? Does she need it? Oh lordy, please don't let her puke again! Bloody **** and his 'I'mma in a coma sleeps'!!!

Cindy Smith
All right. I'm lying down with this kid. I'm tired. Of all nights when I have a vodka bender I get this. Can I tie a feedbag to her head? Will it work? Can I make one with a tube sock?

Oh wait, you're confused. I see.

Well, I booked today off as a vacation day for my 36th birthday with plans for a spa day. I also decided a buffet of cocktails was in order after Sunday night's dinner. Then, at 11:45pm, my 5 year old wandered into the office here at home complaining of an upset tummy. So, we sat together looking at stuff on the Sesame Street website on one monitor while I farted around on Facebook on the other ... I think what happened next is self-explanatory. I also think it's pretty obvious how I'm spending my birthday.

Sun

Just switched seats with the girl next to me who wanted the window seat so she can 'work on her tan'.

MA-MAH!

It was a train of audio horrors for me this morning.

There's these two women who get on at Whitby who jump around like Arethra Franklin on donuts, so you never know which car they'll wind up in. These two never SHUT UP.

This morning the topic at hand was a $45 bank charge for an RRSP withdrawal or some crap. Usually when I see them coming, I flee, but I was with my train friend Charlotte and I couldn't just leave in mid-conversation.

You know these two ladies have a reputation when you hear the collective sighs and groans from others once they settle their loudmouths into seats.

And if these two ladies happen to stumble onto this website one day and can recall the time there was this 30-minute discussion about f*cking slow cookers and dinner, it was me who asked you both to lower your voices that day.

Then, somewhere outside of Pickering, this woman breaks out her cellphone and begins a conversation in Vietnamese at VOLUME 20 hollering at her mother. She kept screaming "Ma-mah! Ma-mah!" every other sentence.

My ability to understand Vietnamese is limited to what I learned from watching the movie Platoon over one hundred times but I'm positive that's what language everyone in my coach was getting a lesson in. She also hollered, "Cam ming lie!" a few times which I am sure is "Shut up".

Ohhh, now I get it.

Dirty Turnips!

Contributed by Jay C.

Today as my train rolled into Union these 2 construction types get off. Attached is what they left behind. Dirt, grime and dried mud. It's like snails and the trail of slime they make as they crawl along. At least put down some newspaper and sit on that!!!

(click photo to enlarge)

C.J. says: This reminds me of the time a woman's Aunt Flo joined her for her commute. Only the ladies will understand.

Overheard

There's three blonde university types sitting on the stairs lamenting over how they didn't score seats.
'I know, right?' says one while her friend says, while slathering lip balm all over her mouth complete with baby voice, 'I was so looking forward to sleepin so I could dream about eating'.

You not in line!

Just got screamed at by a man as I blended in with the throng boarding the 5:10 at Union.


What line?

For RonNasty

Why is Michael J. Fox (as Marty McFly) riding the GO Train? Story here.

No tone please

The lady beside me was writing the longest text message in history with the keypad tone on her phone set to LOUD.

She was also texting incredibly slowly. It sounded like my grandma making a long distance call to the Ukraine, then screwing up on a digit and starting over.

Eventually I told her she could turn the tone sound off to which she replied, "Oh I like it, because it reminds me I'm typing, like on a keyboard. Silent typing is just weird."

I hope no one ever buys her tickets to a deaf choir. It appears much is lost on this woman.

Observed

A dude, who just got on at Ajax, is wearing a lifejacket, long sleeved shirt and shorts. We're heading east to Oshawa. I don't know where he's heading.

Random

1. Why do people bring rank food like warmed up mystery meat and onions on board?
2. Why, when the train is late, is there always one person who has to bitch aloud the whole ride? Get a blog. It worked for me.
3. Why do people insist on putting their bags on seats when people are boarding? No one should be asking you to move it. It's a given, jerk. And don't roll your eyes when I ask.

It's one thing to smell it, but to taste it ...

I just breathed in the bad body odor of the dude next to me.

With my mouth.

I tried ...

... To get a picture of the guy who tied his 10-speed to a pole on the first car on the 7:53 from Oshawa with a dirty sweat sock, complete with red stripe.

But there was no way to do it without being so obvious.

When he got off at Union and rode away, his assless jeans were forever burned into my brain.

The Gate Keeper

Submitted by Adam D.

This morning as I was heading to the Milton Go Train, I had to go and punch my ticket. Well, my usual green punch card machine was being guarded by a rude little man who thought it would be better to stand in the way of people with his bag, reading the paper.

This is probably one of the most popular ticket punch machines and even despite my glaring and pushing his bag out of the way, he still stood there reading... the kicker is that he had a wide open platform to stand anywhere he wanted to. Heck, the train had not even arrived yet... but nooooo Mr. Rudeness just didn't care... Way to go Sport-O, way to go!

---

C.J. says: According to my spies and incredibly reliable sources, it appears "Sport-O" here makes it a habit of being in other people's way. Evidence shown below.

Rudeness in action

I took the 5:53 today. The train was packed.

There were 2 women with rolling suitcases on board. One had her suitcase down on the floor in front of her legs and the other, shown with a black square on her head, had her suitcase on the seat next to her.

In the second photo, below, you will notice all the space under her seat and in the aisle where she could put her suitcase.

Why? So she could give this lady, who sat on the WET STEPS a seat.

I offered her mine but she pointedly looked at these two women when she said, "Oh, thank you but I'm okay to sit on the floor".

It amazes people are so rude. And clueless. People should be forced to pay extra fare for excess baggage at peak times.

Poll Results - April/May

So to answer the question of my April/May poll:

True or False: GO Transit monthly pass holders have an annual household income of $100K and higher

True	22 (48%)
False	23 (51%)

Votes: 45

GO Transit customers are a wealthy lot with a median household income of over $100K.

My husband and I fit the criteria but we sure don't feel wealthy. Do you?

Email

I should probably make it a habit to read my crazy train email account more than two times a week.

To answer some commonly asked questions, no, I am not "breaking the law" by having such a blog. Where do you think I live? Turkey? No offense to those who live in Turkey... not that you could read this anyway.

My crazy train logo, from what my lawyer friends tell me, doesn't infringe on any copyright. It may make a person look twice but that's because of the colour and I'm pretty sure GO Transit doesn't "own that green". I'm not even using the same green. If they've trademarked the colour, which I doubt as Coke, AT&T and IBM are the only companies I can think of who have trademarked their corporate colours, then I suppose I better shut this whole operation down.

Um, no.

But really, how does one enforce colour copyright? Can I trademark a rainbow? I've always been fond of blue.

As far as I know, people who work at GO Transit make up more of my readership than actual riders.

And no, I don't work there. I'm not telling you where I work.

Spike belt

Anyone know where I can pick one up on the cheap?

This will teach those dirty turnips who nearly run people over in GO Transit parking lots in the morning as they race (literally) to park so they can catch their train.

Is it possible to buy one I can shoot out of a wrist strap like Spiderman? I'd be a hero. No, seriously, I would.

There's also no excuse for this same behaviour in the evenings.

Speeding in parking lots is akin to speeding towards a red light, so slow down and be patient. You walked to your car just like I did, right?

Everyone else wants to get home just as much as you do and preferably in one piece!

You've been "told"

I love riders who tell other riders to "shut the hell up".

Trust me lady ... there was a reason why no one came to your defence after that guy yelled at you. We were all sick of listening to your cackle as you chatted and laughed away on your Blackberry.

It's too early for that crap and our brains don't like to listen to one half of a conversation. Research has proved it.

I'm surprised more people don't go apeshit.

Friday

I had no means to which to blog as I had left my celly in my car but the highlight of the ride home was the dude who attempted to get his 10-speed on board the 5:10.

Security had to be called. For real.

Victim

As I drove home from the GO Station tonight, a warning message flashed in the driver's information area of the dash of my Chevrolet Equinox.

TIGHTEN GAS CAP

This puzzled me and then I noticed my fuel gauge. On Sunday, I filled my car. My tank holds 69 litres of gas, enough to drive 598 km. Tonight, my fuel gauge showed I had less than a quarter of a tank left. I've only driven 62 km this week.

Turns out, I'm a victim of gas siphoning. Someone siphoned close to 50 litres of gas from my tank while it sat parked in the GO lot. It's the only conclusion I can come to. My tank had over three quarters of fuel this morning.

It's time to bring back locking gas caps.

Jerk.

Eyes

The guy across from me keeps rolling his eyes back into his head everytime he blinks.
It's almost as creepy as people who sleep with their eyes partially open.

Me Too!

For those who can't make it out, the t-shirt reads, "Normal People Scare Me".

Seriously

Considering I pay good money to ride, how hard is it to turn on the a/c in this coach?
Worst ride home ever.

Someone get this lady a pillow!

And a martini. With umbrella.

Listen up, dirty turnips. Why overhearing half a cellphone conversation is so annoying

From the Los Angeles Times

A new study shows why the ever-present cellphone conversations going on around us—in the grocery store, mall, airport, elevator, on the bus (on the GO Train!), etc.—feel so intrusive.

Cellphones have made phone conversations ubiquitous. But many people confess to feeling a bit startled, then irritated, when they hear speech, think someone is talking to them, and then realize the person nearby is talking to someone else on the phone.

It turns out that our brains just don't like this phenomenon.

READ THE REST OF THIS STORY

Not ridin' dirty

Yesterday I took the day off and took my kid to the zoo.
Holy crap. I had no idea it was going to be that warm.

Today I am working from home and with the long weekend upon us, there won't be any stories til Tuesday.

Keep those pictures coming! cj@thiscrazytrain.com

Have a nice long weekend you dirty turnips!

What a nightmare

I'm so embarrassed.
My allergies got the better of me and with no tissues available, I had to make due with my white jacket.
Yes. I will leave you with that mental image.
I apologize if I grossed anyone out.
It was really bad.

Oshawa 4:10

What the hell was that?

No seriously ... what the hell?

On the first car, lower level, there was a group of 7 people who clearly failed to realize that many of us didn't give a rat's bum about their lame jokes. The speaking volume was ridiculous ... and the yelling!

I can understand the joy of having train friends but for god's sake, some of us are trying to read. I found myself reading the same paragraph over and over because the obnoxious laughter kept breaking my concentration.

As we pulled into Oshawa, this same group then stood in a crowd at the doors continuing their boisterous ear-splitting volume of discussion and laughter.

The poor woman beside me was so annoyed, I could feel the steam from her ears. When I asked her if it was like this everyday, she said yes.

Good god.

Someone better hide the tools.

Overheard

"I don't know why I pay for a pass.
No one ever checks."

---

Oh but they do.

It happens on the day you forgetfully left yours on the dash of your car because you were trying to disconnect your iPod and then you dropped your keys and couldn't find them and now you're late and you slam the door and book it for the train and all the while your pass sits alone on the dash.

That's why you pay. Because you never know when your time is up.

Fridge

Okay folks, listen up.
I can appreciate that many of you commute with several bags and that's not the problem. The problem is how you carry them.

When walking between the aisle seats, carrying several bags over the shoulder is not only dangerous, it's rude. This morning, my train buddy Charlotte was nearly decapitated by a moron who decided to hoof a bag the size of a small bar fridge onto his back.

Carry them down in front of you.

Help save a head.

Help save a life.

Bag riding to Stouffville

I snapped this on Friday. When I asked this lady to sit she said she was holding the seat for a friend. I'm not sure where this friend was but there was no friend in that seat when we left Union.

Submitted by Tamara H.

Charlotte

Before I begin today's post, I aplogize for yesterday's lack of mindless nonsense. I didn't ride the train as I drove my ass into Toronto for a conference. As I type this, the guy across from me is air drumming and tapping out beats on his knapsack, oblivious to the fact that some of us just aren't that much into Reo Speedwagon as him. I suggest he "roll with the changes" ... maybe just roll right off the train.

My train friend finally told me her name but I've already committed myself to the name Charlotte which will now be difficult to break. Charlotte it is.

Also, Charlotte would like you for a**holes at Ajax to let her off the train in the morning. Shocking, I know, that some people actually get off at stops before Union.

Pizza

The kid across from me... university-age... he's brought aboard a 12-inch pizza, in the box, and is wolfing this monster down - like he hasn't eaten in months.

The smell is driving me crazy. I almost want to offer him $2 for a slice.

I wish people wouldn't do that.

Bring delicious smelling food on the train, I mean.

And just before dinner.

I accidentally called him a bastard under my breath.

Okay, no I didn't. But I want to.

Bible

Occasionally, I see the same three people who read the Bible daily.

I often wonder about that. I only ever read it once. It took all of my Grade 10 and 11 theology classes to get through it. I don't remember it being a real page-turner. (Oh, I know I am going to burn in hell for that ... )

The Bible hasn't changed in thousands of years and unless there's an alternate ending I don't know about, I'm intrigued by those who read it over and over.

I have a five year old who watches the movies the same way. And an 89 year old grandmother.

Confession

I told my new train friend, whose name I realize I've never asked, so I'll call her Charlotte because I like that name, about this website and admitted I blog about y'all.
On a side note, the guy opposite of me needs to turn down his motivational recording on his iPod which I can hear is about learning to love yourself.

Oh

I see how it is ...
It's okay for *you* to have a bad case of the sniffles but when I casually cleared my nose, you threw me a dirty look. So I did it again and you rolled your eyes.
When you sniffled again, I pointedly offered you a tissue which you turned down.
Is there a BA people study for how to be a jerk?

Suitcase rider

Nope, rush hour is not a good time to take you and three suitcases from your vacation in Quebec City onto the train.
You can't understand why people are pissed that you've put your suitcases onto three individual seats in a quad? Did you buy three tickets?
No.
So get a clue.

When I suggested you stack them on one seat, complaining you didn't want them to fall over is not my problem.
Unreal.

Smoking

No, you are not cool standing there smoking on the platform under a big yellow sign asking people not to. Why? Because it's the damn law and it applies to everyone. How fair is that to the smokers who do comply?

What? Are you special?

Did your mom not hug you enough as a kid that you think being a rebel means you resort to sucking on a cancer stick and blowing your toxic bullsh*t into others' air space?

Laziness gives no one the right to break the law. Smoke in the parking lot and then you can join those of us who obey the law.

Jerk.

Friend

I made me a friend today on the 7:53.
See, I'm not that heartless.

Too much

For the life of me, I will never understand how people can have a full blown conversation about a dance recital, weekend plans, birthdays, mother's day and every other piece of drama going on in their life before 8 in the morning. Who are you talking to?!!

Teeth

This young guy just flossed his front teeth with the wire of his iPod headphones.

Crap

Only I would pick the worst place to sit on the train this morning and there's nowhere to move to.

No, not near the potty but at the back of the first car, near the door for the second car. Yeah. I suck.

Breath mint

Um. Yeah.

Sooo ... you know those times when a really tall person crams into the inside window seat opposite you and then decides it's time to crouch down for a power nap so their knee is massaging your crotch?

You do?

Super. That's what I rode home with tonight on the 4:53. Not only that, I had to put up with 45 yawns (I counted) all directed at me that smelled like a closet that had not been opened in years.

In fact, there were many times where if I had a Certs or a TicTac on me, I would have shot a few three pointers at his mouth and would have scored every time.

I would have also done him a favour.

Tourists

That's awesome you've taken a day out of your life in Peterborough to head to the big city of 'Torunna' for some shopping downtown. I'm so happy for you!

In fact, I know that everybody on the first floor of Coach 5125 was thrilled to learn why you hate Toronto so much and your disbelief there are people who "do this" everyday - take the train everyday. Wow, eh? By the way, ever heard of an "inside voice"?

Yes, we "do this" everyday. Sometimes twice a day. Because we work. And because the world doesn't revolve around the car. And because like you, we don't want to pay a fortune to park or sit in traffic.

You mean, you go to work everyday, too? Ohhh, but in a car ...

Amazing.

Bag ridin' on Lakeshore West

Submitted by Anna who writes, "this bag wasn't giving up its seat for nobody".

Tattoo

How to describe this tattoo ...?
Well ...
It's not something I'd put on my body but it says "F**k the man" and is accompanied by a drawing of a dice and a fist.

Now, surely Sue finds this amusing, because all I know is that I was nearly peeing myself from laughing from looking at the photo just now.

On the train this morning, out of Oshawa, dude was lost in a world of Metallica on his iPod and much to the delight of those around him, he decided to sing along. Loudly.

Enter Sandman indeed.

Paint

The woman beside me has managed so far to moisturize, prime, foundation and powder her face and has been working on her eyes since we left Whitby.

Everytime the train sways, she keeps muttering 'jesus christ' under her breath.

Call me crazy, but I think those of us who put our makeup on at home are onto something. Just a hunch ...

I would never want to do something so delicate on a train that would leave me angry enough to pump a mascara wand so aggressively like that girl we all knew back in high school who was popular with the boys for all the wrong reasons.

Right?

Brilliant

Snore

In the quad where I'm sitting, the woman sleeping across from me in the window seat is busily sawing logs which two other ladies and I have been occasionally giggling over.

Perhaps one of us should aggressively bang her headrest a few times (and thus, scare the crap out of her) since this is an acceptable way to deal with similar minor annoyances according to some riders.

---

Update

As we were pulling into Union, the woman awoke and asked the lady beside her if she had been snoring. When she told her she had, the woman apologized.

Civility. Take note.

Guest Post. Doors

by Jeff H.

So it's last calls for the doors at Stouffville and this woman books it only to get her purse caught in the doors. You can see her purse on the outside and the straps on the inside but the doors are tightly shut and I guess the sensor couldn't pick up on it.

In a panic, and also a really dumb move, she tugs and tugs until her strap broke (this despite me trying to be all Superman-like and pry the doors open for her) and boom! her purse falls to the ground.

Again, in a panic, she slaps the emergency strip thinking the train will come to a screeching stop but of course, that's not what happens and as we keep moving she's now in hysterics. I'm thinking: Wow! Lady, get a grip. Surely even if it's a pain, the contents can be replaced!

Long story short we get to Markham and the Go guy shows up and she leaps off the train saying she has to get a taxi and get her bag.

That was way too much drama over a purse. Maybe it's because I'm a guy but it was really over the top.

Bag riding. You're doing it wrong.

Submitted by Amanda. Snapped today on the 5:20 Lakeshore East.

The lady in all black holding her Blackberry actually tucked her bag under her seat. What's that about? You mean, people actually do that?

Whoah.

Bracelets

This morning I did something I've never done before.
I wore jewelery to work. And not just any jewelery, but bracelets -three bangle-style bracelets.

On the train, I have a bad habit of playing with my hair. I like to twirl locks around a finger as I watch the landscape go by.

Apparently, since I had tuned it out, the jangle of my bracelets was driving the lady behind me to desperately search for a flask of vodka, or possibly a baseball bat.

Instead of turning around and politely asking me to refrain from moving my hand, she pounded the back of my headrest which scared the shit out of me and of course, I had to ask if everything was okay.

She replied that my bracelets were too loud and starting to get on her nerves.

Wow. Eh? Just wow.

White

I'm probably stupid to do this but tomorrow, I'm going to wear my new and very white Spring jacket on the train. Why? Because I look pretty damn sharp in it. And I'm crazy. Get it? No, really. Get it?

Those seats better be clean.

Shout Out

Julie sent this in to me tonight.

I don't read the T.O. Night evening newspaper, although I do get hollered at a lot by their newsies every night as I make my way to Union Station, but there's this section called "Shout Outs" and it mostly contains emails from TTC and GO Train commuters slamming other passengers.

Apparently the submission highlighted in red caught Julie's ire. She writes, "If the 2-hour ride we all do everyday was free then sure, we should all just smile and suck it up, but I pay $272.50 for a monthly pass, which is twelve dollars more than my car payment, meaning I pay $522.50 a month just to bust my ass to make it to work. So Mr. Cheer here needs to realize when you're dropping that kind of dough it's perfectly acceptable for GO Transit passengers to expect some civility and common courtesy. Most of us have stressful jobs and can't retreat to the private comfort of a car after work, so we're forced to relax in the company of strangers. To ask people to be quiet and not laugh and carry on like it's $2 drink night at some college bar is perfectly reasonable."

You know what? Julie's point is the very reason why I started this blog. Most of us logistically can't drive into work each day and many of us don't want to due to parking and fuel costs, as well as doing our part to reduce our carbon footprint, so we do have to share space with others in this effort.

All I ever want is a nice quiet ride in and home without feeling shoved into my seat because the guy next to me wants to stretch out sideways or cramped due to someone's three purses and added lunch bag forcing me to bend my legs inwards for the next 50 minutes.

It's a reasonable request. Get your feet off the seats. Keep your voice down. Learn to carry one bag. Keep your purse to yourself. Listen to your iPod at a reasonable volume. Don't snap your gum. Don't eat Cinnabons right at the dinner hour sending others into a carb-crazy Cookie Monster ravenous hunger. Don't tell everyone your life story at a volume that could be heard from space. Don't rest your hands on the back of the headrest so that your knuckles dig into my scalp. Don't fart. Don't cough into people's faces and we'll get along just fine.

M'kay?

Foot rider

The foot rider is a cousin of the bag rider.
Like the bag rider, they travel alone and often can be found occupying the window seat on most GO trains.

Scientists believe that foot riders find it perfectly acceptable to go to bed - under the covers - in the shoes they walked all over downtown Toronto in. All the scientists I interviewed (such as my sister) can't think of any other reason why these ignorant turnips find the practice of putting their dirty and scummy feet on seats people pay good money to sit on remotely okay.

Thanks to Sammy J. for sending in the photo.

Overheard

Woman in red: That was quick.

Said to man next to her who had gotten up, entered the large bathroom available on the newer cars and then walked out seconds later.


He said: Oh my god, that bathroom smells like death took a dump in it and didn't leave.

Rolling along in my personal living room

Unless you got some baby wipes in that bag of yours and you wiped off your sneakers before you made that seat your personal footstool, keep your dirt to yourself. Because some of us pay for a pass that is as much as a car payment, we expect cleanliness. You dirty turnip.

Photos submitted by Brian
Comments by Yours Truly

Oh, I'll write about it ...

Some dude coughed all up in my face as he stood near the stairs where I was sitting to exit the Go train tonight. I've ingested Purell and will be bathing in it later.

We exchanged words. I had to. Unacceptable!

Jerk.

Gasp! You mean ... We're not alone?

Full story (Toronto Star)

Thanks to Angela for the link!

Photo

Yesterday, on the 5:20, I tried to snap a photo of this woman who was going to paint her finger nails. Yes, she had the nail polish ready, but the train was rocking too much that all I got was an LSD-like blur and she realized it probably wasn't a good idea.

Then all of a sudden, she says to the woman she's with who I gathered is a co-worker, "There's this website I found when I was looking up Go Transit stuff. It's a woman who writes about people on the train. It's called Crazy Train. I'll send you the link."

Little did she know ...

PS ... You see that Facebook badge? Don't get too excited. As a graphic designer, I tend to photoshop the crap out of myself. I know. Sorry.

Grooming

Okay folks. Gather round my safety circle for a minute. I want to talk to you about grooming and the nasty crap some of you jokers do on trains.

Stop picking your dandruff with your nails and then smelling it. If it's really that bad, send away for a mail order monkey or invest in some better shampoo.

Don't clean your ears with a pen and then examine your wax in front of me. I have enough candles. Thanks.

Don't chew the skin around your nails and then spit out what you just landscaped.

File your nails at your kitchen table. While your family is eating. Let me know how that works out for you.

Look, I get that you have bacne (acne on the shoulders and back) but don't subject me to your show and tell. The grossest thing anyone can ever do on public transit is pop a zit and then examine what was delivered.

Yes, you have dry lips. Pick at them while you're in your car driving home. There's nothing worse than watching someone flick their snakeskin onto the floor.

Don't even think about clipping your nails in front of me or near me.

And lastly, a credit card is not how your dentist wants you to floss.

You dirty linebackers.

A whole new level of awesomeness

I tell you, this blog is a gift that just keeps on giving. Why? Because readers like you send in photos like this.

This lounge turnip was snapped by a Crazy Train reader Wednesday morning.

I guess he figured it was more sanitary if he simply took his shoes off and rested his rank feet on the seat. Oh, and God forbid his bag touch the floor. Not only is he rolling in his private living room, he's guilty of "bag riding".

This turnip figured he could justify it all by disappearing inside his Tilley hat. If he can't see anyone, they won't notice him airing his foot beauty for all to see and smell.

Here's a closeup:

Breathtaking, I know.

Nag

Oh good God. I'm sitting with my back to a couple where the GF is riding her BF over the fact that he didn't PVR Glee for her last night, how she told him 59 times, how if it was one of his shows he'd remember, etc.
Ok, I've had enough...
So I turned around and politely interrupted them and told the woman she can watch every episode online on Global TV's website.
Jesus. Let it go.

Your gum ...

... won't be the only thing snapping if you don't stop.

420

I saw what you had in your little baggie this morning because I don't know many people who carry their own spice rack around.

Oregano, indeed.

Bag riders - your photos

So I've seem to hit a nerve with others who really hate people who place their bags on seats while a train is at the station and passengers are boarding. I agree with Matt that there's no harm in the practice once the train is moving and everyone is seated, but to do this while people are getting on the train is just rude.

Marly writes that she's irritated it's always people who put their bags on the seats near the window forcing her to ask people to move their belongings.

Snapped on the Barrie train


Snapped on the Milton train

The end of crazy

You know those old Bell commercials where the guy is surfing and he gets that message, "You have reached the end of the internet"? Well, I've reached the end of crazy.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can top what I just saw.

This woman just changed her kid's dirty poopy diaper on the seat opposite of me while I'm waiting for the 5:10 train to fill with people. Right on the seat. On the train. No towel. No sanitary measures taken.

And before you bark, I'm a mom and I've had to change a few dirty diapers in my time and I am aware there is no change table in the bathrooms of the GO train, but changing my kid's diaper on a public train is something I would never do.

What about you? Is it wrong of me to feel grossed out? There are other trains and there are change tables in the washrooms inside Union Station. She had options.

C-

Late

Just some advice for the Oshawa crowd. If, for whatever reason, it's your lucky day and the doors re-open after they've been closed and you missed your first opportunity, don't blow your 2nd opportunity by running to the next coach. You're late. Learn to recognize a break.

Mail bag - again!

Nick from Oakville writes, "Clickable pens should be banned on all trains".

I totally agree! There's nothing like listening to this sound the whole fricking train ride!

Mail bag

I'm on hiatus today and tomorrow but others are more than happy to help Dial Up The Crazy.

Tashia rides in on the Barrie line.

Here's her shout out:

"I had a guy clipping his nails sitting next to me. One flew into my lap. So I picked it up and threw it at his lap. He turned a few shades of red. Like really? Do that s--t at home in your bathroom, not on a public train!"

Sleepin' Hardcore

Must have been one hell of a day, buddy.

Deaf

Note how far away I am sitting from this dude (with a big finger pointing at him). I could hear the music from his iPod loud and clear. Interesting playlist I have to say ... Black Eye Peas, The guy that sang "Electric Avenue" and some AC/DC. I made an attempt to record what I heard from my vantage point so you can understand how loud the volume was. I don't know how useful the recording is but halfway through it you can hear his music.

Many people find such a loud volume annoying. I find it downright scary. I'm a victim of premature hearing loss due to the unacceptable volume levels I listened to my Walkman at when I was a teenager.

Take some advice from a woman whose only in her mid-thirties. Turn it down.

Bag rider of the week

When: Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Boarded Train at: 7:49 am Oshawa
Length of time bag rode on seat: Until Ajax
Accompanied by: Black Jacket
Removed: When the seat was the only one available and a rider asked for the bag to be removed with a polite, but curt, "Excuse me".

Evidence shown below.

Hey, how about we make your bag more comfortable for the morning ride? Here's a bottle of Coke.

And for when it gets hungry, here's some peanuts.

And for when it gets bored, here's an iPod and some funky headphones.

There you go. Now you just relax ... shhh, don't talk. Just let me look at you.

Reader photo submission - NYC rider plucks chin hairs on commuter train

From Liz via my Facebook account. This is a whole new level of awesomeness. Swear to God.

Peek-a-boo

Do I tell the dude sitting across from me his zipper is undone and I can see his Daffy Duck boxers, or do I try to snap a picture?


Okay so I didn't take a photo.


He's now lapsed into a coma.

Oh well.

Whitby

Just a shout out.
I can tell from this morning that the platform construction nonsense is starting to get old for most of you.

Be strong.

Comfort Zone

Gee CJ, what's going on in this photo you took on the 5:10 this evening?

Well, I Ride This Crazy Train reader, I am so glad you asked!

The guy hunched over his BlackBerry is leaned over very far in his seat. Far enough over that he's annoying the crap out of the guy trying to read his newspaper.

It's an awkward photo angle but at one point, Blackberry dude was practically text messaging over Newspaper Dude's crotch which was beginning to make Newspaper Dude very angry.

There was a lot of audible sighing from Newspaper Dude.

See, if this was me, I would have accidentally elbowed Blackberry dude in the balls as I leaned over and pretended to pick up my pretend earring that fell out of my ear.

Everybody has a personal comfort zone on the train (some call it their safety circle). Stay out of mine. And especially Newspaper Dude's.

Gag

Why did I choose a seat near the bathroom?

Gah!!!!!!!! Blech, moses!

Jump in at any time here if you know what that smell is or what they put in the bathroom on the trains as a deodorizer.

Sunglasses

I've got some guy here sitting on the opposite aisle who thinks he's Maverick from Top Gun who I *know* is staring at me for whatever reason from behind his Aviator shades. I know he's not sleeping.

I spent 10 minutes thinking of what I could do to gross him out.
So I picked my nose AND looked at my finger. My nose was clean but he didn't know that.

Yeah, that's right. You look away.

You dirty linebacker Maverick-wannabe.

Over the shoulder

This woman standing next to where I'm sitting is trying hard as hell to read what I'm typing but that's nothing compared to what's really exciting about this train ride. Not a single person is talking! It's a level of awesomeness I simply can't describe.

I swear to God, it's quiet enough in here to hear the crickets in Tiger Woods' head in that new Nike commercial where his father rises from the dead and predicts six more weeks of winter.

Artist

Tonight on the 7:17 pm (what the hell? what was wrong with 7:13?!) there was a guy mad sketching beside me who eventually lapsed into a coma.

All of you jokers owe me big time for the gymnastics I had to pull to get a shot of this masterpiece.

I changed seats and then positioned my phone over my head so I could snap a pic while he dozed in the seat behind me. (Click the image to enlarge it in a new window).

I don't know what the hell it's supposed to be.

The first thing I thought of were genital warts. Crying over a flower. And a really bad acne problem.

Christmas baby jesus miracle

The train was on time this morning! I was so desperate to celebrate that I made sure to angle my handbag just right so that I smacked the shoulder of every person sitting in an aisle seat as I bolted off the train.

Ahhh, sweet, sweet revenge.

(I didn't really do that but I did fantasize about it, kind of like how Ralphie fantasizes about the essay he plans to write about the Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle BB Gun he wants for Christmas in that movie that plays a gazillion times over Christmas and his teacher waltzes around the classroom writing A+ A+ A+++ everywhere).

Dead battery

I killed my battery tonight snapping photos of silly turnips risking life and limb crossing Bay Street near the Go Transit Teamway bridge (just way too risky at dusk, in the rain, and in dark clothing) and my charger is at the office, so updates for tomorrow morning's Oshawa 7:53 westbound train to Toronto's Union Station will be delayed by 55 minutes. I apologize in advance for any inconvenience this may cause.

Thank you for reading I Ride This Crazy Train.

Wet feet ...

Don't belong on the seat in front of you. You dirty turnip.

Dear Sick Fellow Passengers

Look, I love you all. You're a great source of entertainment but you've got to start taking better care of yourselves. I'm sitting here at Ajax delayed while an ambulance comes to save you.
Hey, I'm being cool about it even tho signal problems caused me to be 45 minutes late for work yesterday and today, I'll once again have to stay late at work to make up the time and lose another evening to spend with my daughter.
Just make sure you stay home tomorrow.
Thanks

Warm!!!

Dear God! Can someone please turn the heat off in this coach?
It feels like 35C in here.
Can't breathe... can't ... must ... try ... oh shut up Tom... just find the friggin thermostat button and kick it. That's how you can be my customer service ambassador this morning!

Lust

The two teens who are groping each other the next aisle over is all the more amusing seeing as the boy keeps trying to hide the fact that he's 'pitched a tent'.