Sunday, November 27, 2011


from J. McDonnell
Wed, Nov 23, 2011 at 12:58 AM
subject nose gushers

I'm susceptible to nosebleeds at this time of year. I just found your website so I figured I would send you a story that happened to me last week.

I was headed home to Milton and was in a quad with three other women. My nose was really dry. So I kept pinching it hoping this would stimulate some mucus. After about 12 minutes of this, I began to think of things that would make me cry such as my dog dying, my mom burning all my Pac Man personal arcade systems. You know those really small versions of the larger kind you would play in an arcade? I have seven of them. All original. Mint. Already the tears are forming. What I was hoping for was a runny nose as it would help with the lube. Earlier in the day I had moistened my nostrils with dabs of Vaseline. Hey, anyone who deals with this dry nose shit is nodding their head. Anyone grossed out should just count their lucky stars you don't have to start your day stuffing grease up your snot tunnels.
About 30 minutes into the ride, I'm now considering giving up my seat to snort the water that isn't safe for consumption in the GO train bathroom when all of a sudden, I feel a gathering wetness in my left nostril. Shit. Blood.

Of course I have no fucking tissues and the only thing I can use to stench the flow is the sleeve of my jacket, which I carefully use to dab after every sniff of blood. I throw my head back which only pushes the blood down my throat causing me to gag. Then horror of horrors, I irritated my gag reflex and coughed, spewing a spray of blood into my hands.

Only one of the women in my quad was awake and she was staring at me like I was Regan in the Exorcist movie.

I mumbled an apology and scrambled to get up to go to the bathroom. I realized I had the attention of quite a few people who had no qualms about shrinking back into their seats as I passed them.

In the bathroom I looked like I had just bitten the toe off of someone. I had blood crusted on top of my upper lip. My nose was leaking like a faucet. I stayed in the bathroom for most of the ride.

My wife was waiting for me at the station. She was pissed I had ruined my jacket. Like I had intended for all this to go down.

I guess what surprised me most was that no one offered to get me paper towels or provide Kleenexes. I guess that's to be expected in this day and age with all the diseases on hand.
A crappy train ride home.


Reminds me of this video:

J, you're the boy screaming, "Not funnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee!"


RonNasty said...

Obviously this person was never a Boy Scout.

JMcD said...

How the hell is having been a Boy Scout (which I was) have anything to do with this story. Was I to take my train seat apart for the stuffing and make a nose plug?

Tim K. said...

Yes, yes you were.

FRED said...

One question for ya mate. How did you get the bathroom door open considering your bloody hands?

Bicky said...

I think the Boy Scout reference is referring to their motto "Be Prepared". If you know you're prone to nosebleeds, then you better be packing tissues or paper towels. Just a thought.

Skin Man said...

I appreciate the content, snot tunnels made me lol.

But thank the good lord baby Jesus that you weren't on my train. and ya, never, ever leave home without tissue ever again, wtf were you thinking.

lswgirl13 said...

Eeeeeeewwwwwwww. Just admit it though, you were doing some serious picking earlier in the day.

Squiggles said...

Wow. Were you trying to elicit sympathy or trying to be funny? Because it was neither. I also cannot believe you thought that someone would have provided you with a snot rag. Most people don't carry them (I only do when I am sick), let alone know that a complete stranger's geyser is about to flow.

Maybe this will teach you to carry one in your pocket. Or use your shirt. I mean, they are easier and cheaper to replace than a suit jacket.

And consider consulting a doctor if this happens all the time. Could be an issue with your sinuses. And they have this handy-dandy nasal spray that helps.

JMcD said...

I was TRYING TO BE FUNNY people!
Holy shit. You're a tough crowd.

Kathy said...

It wasn't lost on me JMcD, I found the story humourous. I also had a nosebleed problem as a kid so this totally resonated with me.

And for the record, I carry a pack of pocket tissues as well as a handkerchief. I would have given you that hanky, no hesitation and no questions asked!