Thursday, May 9, 2013

I spy with my little eye ...

Someone who is GUILTY. As charged.

Over the years (all three of them) I've received the odd emails and text messages from GO Transit patrons who stumble onto this site through whatever means (usually a Google search for methods to carry-out GO Transit fare evasion) and take it upon themselves to defend or justify their rude train behaviour. For these people to have discovered themselves, they would have had to browse my site for hours and wade through over 2,300 posts. This is why I never take the accusations seriously. I've watched Punk'd.

Last night I received a phone call, yes, a phone call, allegedly from this woman

I had just gotten home when my cell rang. It was a 416 number and since I have Toronto friends, I answered it. I was shirking off my purse when my ear was assaulted by a woman screaming through the receiver. I had to put the person on speaker so I could avoid further auditory abuse.

Girl was AN-GRY.

She was demanding my home address so she could send over her biker brother who apparently wrestles cows in farm fairs, or something like that, to talk to me about all the laws I broke by taking her picture and putting it up on the internet. She resented that I called her a dirty turnip, saying I must do this stuff to make myself feel better about being trailer trash, and said that I was sick in the head for setting her on fire (for real).

Oh dear.

I handed the phone to my cattorney, Georgie Greyskull, who sniffed at it and then promptly laid down on it. I could hear the woman continuing to yell while I inspected the grilled chicken Ceasar salad my hubby had made for dinner.

Eventually Georgie got up and wandered over to his food dish and had a snack. The woman continued to yell.

My daughter came downstairs and asked me if I could update an app on her iPod. All of a sudden there was silence from my phone. A few seconds later, a more calm sounding voice asked, "Hello".

"Hello," I replied, handing my daughter her iPod and sending her back upstairs. "Well," said the woman. "Are you going to delete my picture?"

I told her she needed to email me a link. She said she did. I flipped open the laptop we keep in the kitchen, just an old thing I use for recipes, signed in to my email and clicked on her link. Then I grabbed my phone from the floor in my front hall and carried it to the kitchen table.

"Interesting," I said, "So you don't feel you were doing anything that would be objectionable to other passengers?"

She tells me she was just riding the train and riding the train like "any person who paid to do does".

"So you bought three tickets?" I asked her.

"No," she said. "Why would I buy three f---ing tickets?"

"Because all of your stuff is spread across three seats," I reply, continuing to eat my dinner.

"So ..." she says, "First come, first serve."

"Excuse me," I say, putting down my fork. "That's exactly why your photo found its way onto my site and why I photoshopped flames on you. Your attitude stinks. You are a selfish, self-absorbed person who clearly doesn't have a lick of consideration for others or the fact that manners and courtesy mean something in society."

Expecting a profanity-laced response, I moved my phone closer to me on the table. Instead, she told me she would "see my ass in court" and hung up.

So I called her back and got her voicemail. I told her to have her lawyer email me and to execute legal action by Friday afternoon as my lawyer has an appointment to have all of his body hair shaved off on Saturday and will be spending all of next week licking every inch of his skin as he struggles to figure out what happened. He simply won't have time to handle her demands.

Of course, I always assume I'm being trolled and nothing is ever legit, but I follow through, people. I follow through like the boss that I am.


Anonymous said...

Should have taken your daughter's iPod and recorded the conversation so you could put it on YouTube.

C.J. Smith said...

Ahhhhhh! You're right!!! Dammit.

Al said...

Ha ha,
She is so wrong, you didnt take this photo, I did.

C.J. Smith said...

I should have conference'd you into the call! LOL

Al said...

No thanks..... your website.

lilnat86 said...

It's important to note that you did not display HER on fire but rather all of her CRAP that was spread out all over the place.

C.J. Smith said...

I'd never do that to you, Al!

C.J. Smith said...

True, Nat. However, I have put flames on people's feet. So I'm a virtual pyro.

TomW said...

Are you really get your cat shaved?

Anonymous said...

I miss when you used to put flames on people and their things.

C.J. Smith said...

Yes. Georgie is getting shaved. He's a Norweigan Forest cat so he's a mess with his full coat and he's never learned to groom itself. He gets matted all along his backend which pulls at the skin. We feel for him so we give a lion's cut every summer.

I should post before and after pics.

Squiggles said...

Poor kitty. But he will feel much better once Summer actually gets here. Though 50 cents says it will never happen.

As for the world's Most Entitled Douchebag: Unless someone recognizes her bags or crappy boots, no one will know who you are. Of course, NOW people will be staring at their fellow passengers who embark at that station to see if you make an appearance. And I hope you do. And I hope you display the same douchebag behaviour. Because you will once again grace these pages. And maybe this time, your face won't be blurred out.

Ah, to dream.

elvis said...

This is gold. One question - if you were white trash, would you be running a website? Wouldn't that cut into driveway/front lawn drinking time?

C.J. Smith said...

Dude, please, we gots wi-fi in our double-wide! Internet access from the driveway!

Lori said...

*insert Borat voice* Very nice!

What an inconsiderate douche. First come, first serve my ass! Your ticket entitles you a ride on the train and dependent on boarding time and location a seat as well but it does not entitle you three. She should be glad it's just photoshopped fire and not real fire.

Anonymous said...

We've had to do the same to our Himalayan every two years or so. A few times, they lifted it off in one whole piece with five little holes.

Bicky said...

Okay, so she's complaining two YEARS after the photo went up? And her face is blurred. Unless you know what her crap looks like, you wouldn't know who it was. Heck, it could have been Carrot Top.

I was laughing so hard on the GO Train as I read this post. People were looking at me.

Dude sitting across from me almost made it as a submission. His knapsack was perched on my knee because he insisted on slouching down in his seat. Ugh. Just as I was about to silence my phone camera he sat up.

And yes please, we need before and after pics of Georgie.

Anonymous said...

THAT was a girl?? Oy! (Just because the suitcase is pink doesn't mean a thing these days).

Anonymous said...

Lion's cuts are awesome.. Just saying :)

Kelly said...

Speaking of white trash - is that a playboy bunny on her hat???? It doesn't get more white trash than that, imho.

Anonymous said...

That picture is of a woman????

Anonymous said...

As a CSA myself... I see it all. None of this surprises me lol. But still very comical.

C.J. Smith said...

Georgie's appointment got cancelled for tomorrow. He goes next Saturday. I will definitely post before and after pics.

Nothing yet from Playboy logo hat's lawyer

blindwheels said...

You Rock!

I have been darn tempted to take pics of idiot transit users here in Halifax/Dartmouth!!

Seriously, some people just need a lobotomy!

When you have 3 universities in a city as small as Halifax/Dartmouth, your bound to see entitlement whores..

Mark Dowling said...

Suggested caption for future pics:
"All crazy/threatening/otherwise unpleasant calls to my personal number may be recorded for quality assurance/posterity/sale to Gawker"